Sweett Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 The red flags were there after about 6 months. The relationship didn't feel right and we argued a lot and I cried a lot, but this relationship continued for a year and a half. I couldn't let go even though he would say things like we're not compatible, I can't do right by you, I've been trying to tell u I don't want a serious committed relationship. I chose to ignore these signs and it is now affecting me emotionally. He chose to leave me 3 weeks after I caught him with someone else and said he needed space. Why do I feel like this is my fault because I didn't let go? He's now engaged to this girl. I can't stop asking myself what's wrong with me that he decided he didn't want me so soon! I keep thinking they will have this happy life and that he's not a cheater and he just did this to me because I wouldn't let go and he didn't want to hurt me.
hypersonic Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 You may have made mistakes but the only one responsible for his cheating is him. My wife was cheating me our entire (admittedly short, 10 mo.) marriage and we had rushed into a relationship. Mistakes were made but she was the one that chose to hop into bed with someone else (actually 3 someone else's). The cheatee (is that a word? ) is never never NEVER responsible for what the cheater does. The best thing you can do is take some time and get some perspective on what happened. I hate you're going through this and best of luck.
Author Sweett Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 You may have made mistakes but the only one responsible for his cheating is him. My wife was cheating me our entire (admittedly short, 10 mo.) marriage and we had rushed into a relationship. Mistakes were made but she was the one that chose to hop into bed with someone else (actually 3 someone else's). The cheatee (is that a word? ) is never never NEVER responsible for what the cheater does. The best thing you can do is take some time and get some perspective on what happened. I hate you're going through this and best of luck. Thanks, that's what everyone tells me but all if the manipulating things he said to me is making him think his cheating was justifiable because I couldn't let go. So I keep trying to place the Blame in myself and I know I have to stop this because it is destroying me!
SerCay Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 The red flags were there after about 6 months. The relationship didn't feel right and we argued a lot and I cried a lot, but this relationship continued for a year and a half. I couldn't let go even though he would say things like we're not compatible, I can't do right by you, I've been trying to tell u I don't want a serious committed relationship. I chose to ignore these signs and it is now affecting me emotionally. He chose to leave me 3 weeks after I caught him with someone else and said he needed space. Why do I feel like this is my fault because I didn't let go? He's now engaged to this girl. I can't stop asking myself what's wrong with me that he decided he didn't want me so soon! I keep thinking they will have this happy life and that he's not a cheater and he just did this to me because I wouldn't let go and he didn't want to hurt me. Dear sweett, sorry you feel this way First of all don't feelbad about yourself. Ignoring red flags when we're in love is something that we ALL do. Second, IT IS NOT your fault that he behaved this way. There's 2 sides in a relationship. You didn't let go, but he stayed with you and he didn't let go either. So nothing to blame on you here. I can only assumebecause i don't know your whole story but I think thought he had power over you so he felt the freedom to say stuff like he doesn't want to be in a relationship, when he actually was in a relationship with you at that moment. Believe me, it's his weaknesses for acting like this, and trust me, when things go wrong with his new fiance, he will just go looking for the next best thing around. His happiness will last as long as his rebound feelings will. Or as long as this girl realises what kind a person he is! 2
Author Sweett Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Dear sweett, sorry you feel this way First of all don't feelbad about yourself. Ignoring red flags when we're in love is something that we ALL do. Second, IT IS NOT your fault that he behaved this way. There's 2 sides in a relationship. You didn't let go, but he stayed with you and he didn't let go either. So nothing to blame on you here. I can only assumebecause i don't know your whole story but I think thought he had power over you so he felt the freedom to say stuff like he doesn't want to be in a relationship, when he actually was in a relationship with you at that moment. Believe me, it's his weaknesses for acting like this, and trust me, when things go wrong with his new fiance, he will just go looking for the next best thing around. His happiness will last as long as his rebound feelings will. Or as long as this girl realises what kind a person he is! Thanks for your advice! I think he mis took my tears as a sign of weakness which gave him power so in his eyes it's like I was weak. But if someone never listens to u and tries to overpower or talk over u it's hard not to show emotion because u can't understand why the person is so angry and reacting in such an un-loving way with all of this and always threatening to leave me, I was always kind of down but I just couldn't let go! I feel like instead of really talking to me about my feelings he just went elsewhere and he doesn't see it as cheating because he had emotionally distanced himself from our relationship.
SerCay Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Thanks for your advice! I think he mis took my tears as a sign of weakness which gave him power so in his eyes it's like I was weak. But if someone never listens to u and tries to overpower or talk over u it's hard not to show emotion because u can't understand why the person is so angry and reacting in such an un-loving way with all of this and always threatening to leave me, I was always kind of down but I just couldn't let go! I feel like instead of really talking to me about my feelings he just went elsewhere and he doesn't see it as cheating because he had emotionally distanced himself from our relationship. How old are you sweet? I'm just curious. In the first year of my relationship with my now ex bf, he used to say ''let's just let this thing between us go, this is not what I'm looking for'' during EVERY quarrel we had..It made me feel like garbage, and yes just like you did, I stayed because you just want to understand how a person can say that,but still be with you and come back every time after 2 days! At the end of that year I was fed up and we had a huge argument over the fact that he didn't want to name what we had a relationship. He didn't want to force things, HE SAID. I said ok, if u want it like that and acted indifferent. Next thing you know? He starts talking to his ex gf cause he THOUGHT I was cheating. I broke all contact when I found out about this and even though he came back crawling and as a changed man after 2 months and treated me like a princess, in the end you just cannot let go of the a**holeness from the beginning. Logically, problems arised, and we broke up for good after 2 years. What I'm trying to say is, even if he would have turned around..when treated like this sweety, you will never forget nor forgive. And you will eventually only become more emotional. Because he will never show remorse....
Author Sweett Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 How old are you sweet? I'm just curious. In the first year of my relationship with my now ex bf, he used to say ''let's just let this thing between us go, this is not what I'm looking for'' during EVERY quarrel we had..It made me feel like garbage, and yes just like you did, I stayed because you just want to understand how a person can say that,but still be with you and come back every time after 2 days! At the end of that year I was fed up and we had a huge argument over the fact that he didn't want to name what we had a relationship. He didn't want to force things, HE SAID. I said ok, if u want it like that and acted indifferent. Next thing you know? He starts talking to his ex gf cause he THOUGHT I was cheating. I broke all contact when I found out about this and even though he came back crawling and as a changed man after 2 months and treated me like a princess, in the end you just cannot let go of the a**holeness from the beginning. Logically, problems arised, and we broke up for good after 2 years What I'm trying to say is, even if he would have turned around..when treated like this sweety, you will never forget nor forgive. And you will eventually only become more emotional. Because he will never show remorse.... Thanks for your words! I am now 33 and I was 30 when we got into the relationship, he is 2 years older than me. The girl he left me for is in her 20's. After I caught him with her he used to tell me that i would never be able to trust him again and I told him that he could not speak for me. If he wouldn't have shown his ass so much and showed me he was true to me along time ago then maybe I could've worked on forgiving but to leave me after I caught him saying he needed space was unforgivable.
SerCay Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Thanks for your words! I am now 33 and I was 30 when we got into the relationship, he is 2 years older than me. The girl he left me for is in her 20's. After I caught him with her he used to tell me that i would never be able to trust him again and I told him that he could not speak for me. If he wouldn't have shown his ass so much and showed me he was true to me along time ago then maybe I could've worked on forgiving but to leave me after I caught him saying he needed space was unforgivable. ughh..That's called choosing the easy way out for himself..Maybe he did love you but putting an effort to actually make you forgive him made him run. It may hurt now but I guess you're probably much better off without a selfish person like this. I've come to learn that selfishness in love is very hard to deal with..
Author Sweett Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 ughh..That's called choosing the easy way out for himself..Maybe he did love you but putting an effort to actually make you forgive him made him run. It may hurt now but I guess you're probably much better off without a selfish person like this. I've come to learn that selfishness in love is very hard to deal with.. True indeed, he was very selfish!!! my mom used to ask me if I really wanted someone like him after all he had done!! She didn't like him from the start! He was such a manipulator and he told people that i had a low self worth, however what person on this earth will be happy and feeling great after constantly arguing with someone who doesn't listen and is overpowering!?? To relieve his guilt he would say he was overpowering because I was weak and emotional but after arguing with him it took a toll on me!!! I mean who wouldnt be upset. But then the next day hes buying me gifts and taking ne to fancy restaurants so i would feel weird but yet i thought he was doing these things out of love. Funny because he said all these things about my self esteem and I found out he's in counseling and us taking anxiety medicine and has a panic disorder! so who sounds like the weak person!?
SerCay Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 True indeed, he was very selfish!!! my mom used to ask me if I really wanted someone like him after all he had done!! She didn't like him from the start! He was such a manipulator and he told people that i had a low self worth, however what person on this earth will be happy and feeling great after constantly arguing with someone who doesn't listen and is overpowering!?? To relieve his guilt he would say he was overpowering because I was weak and emotional but after arguing with him it took a toll on me!!! I mean who wouldnt be upset. But then the next day hes buying me gifts and taking ne to fancy restaurants so i would feel weird but yet i thought he was doing these things out of love. Funny because he said all these things about my self esteem and I found out he's in counseling and us taking anxiety medicine and has a panic disorder! so who sounds like the weak person!? Usually when people blame you for something (eg. low self esteem) it's projection, they actually have low self esteem themselves then. Usually when mothers dislike our dates they turn out to be right..every time I try to go against it and every time she turns out right so..But yeah..you stick around a person like that because you just can't believe a person can actually BE like that..and you think that together with his love growing for you, he will change towards you in time..right?
Author Sweett Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 Usually when people blame you for something (eg. low self esteem) it's projection, they actually have low self esteem themselves then. Usually when mothers dislike our dates they turn out to be right..every time I try to go against it and every time she turns out right so..But yeah..you stick around a person like that because you just can't believe a person can actually BE like that..and you think that together with his love growing for you, he will change towards you in time..right? Amazing! A few other older women told me about the projection theory. So him saying I had a low self esteem was really a projection of himself which would fit because cheaters have a low self esteem. Its awful how ridiculous some people will sound when they do everything they can to place blame somewhere else. He really is a coward! As for moms they can always seem to see through people when we can't. But like I said I loved him and didn't want to see the truth. I did hope for a miracle and that things would change but I think people are who they are and don't change for the most part. Maybe he discovered he could get away with things with her and that she is just like him (a cheater) and maybe her standards are much lower than mine so maybe they do deserve each other...she just doesnt know she is in for a big surprise when they have a disagreement because he will have the last word!!
SerCay Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 Amazing! A few other older women told me about the projection theory. So him saying I had a low self esteem was really a projection of himself which would fit because cheaters have a low self esteem. Its awful how ridiculous some people will sound when they do everything they can to place blame somewhere else. He really is a coward! As for moms they can always seem to see through people when we can't. But like I said I loved him and didn't want to see the truth. I did hope for a miracle and that things would change but I think people are who they are and don't change for the most part. Maybe he discovered he could get away with things with her and that she is just like him (a cheater) and maybe her standards are much lower than mine so maybe they do deserve each other...she just doesnt know she is in for a big surprise when they have a disagreement because he will have the last word!! I understand, had the same. Didn't want to believe what mom was saying, cause I loved him lol.Inmy case I was actually putting an effort to make him turn around and it worked..but..after some time the old him popped up because like you said..people don't change. This girl he's with now will soon enough see what he's like or she's so easy to manipulate for him that she will never see. So don't worry..nothing has changed. I gues you fear that he has turned around for her and that hurts you but people don't change. Believe me. For my ex, I was the only woman he has ever turned around for, so I can tell you.. IT DOESN"T LAST. And most of us can tell you here, getting over someone that has treated us badly for no reason whatsoever is the hardest get-over. Stay strong! 1
Author Sweett Posted July 8, 2012 Author Posted July 8, 2012 I understand, had the same. Didn't want to believe what mom was saying, cause I loved him lol.Inmy case I was actually putting an effort to make him turn around and it worked..but..after some time the old him popped up because like you said..people don't change. This girl he's with now will soon enough see what he's like or she's so easy to manipulate for him that she will never see. So don't worry..nothing has changed. I gues you fear that he has turned around for her and that hurts you but people don't change. Believe me. For my ex, I was the only woman he has ever turned around for, so I can tell you.. IT DOESN"T LAST. And most of us can tell you here, getting over someone that has treated us badly for no reason whatsoever is the hardest get-over. Stay strong! Your words have been so helpful because u hit on a lot of the things that I've been thinking about which have been things that had me feeling down especially the part about thinking he's become this great person for her. She will soon see, I hear marriage takes work so she probably is in for it! She's got to live with this person and let me tell u he has some awful habits ( snoring, nightmares, using the same bath towel for days) among other things. :-) 1
Recommended Posts