who am i Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 So first it has been nice reading other's thoughts on this forum. It has been a help just knowing that there are other people struggling with me. I will start by saying that my wife and I have been married for 7 years, and together for 10. We met at a party, and we really enjoyed that lifestyle and clicked. She grew up in a small town, as did I, and there were lots of things we agreed on. When she graduated college she didn't find the job she was hoping for, and I noticed that she started to despise life as a result. Over the couse of the next several years it just got worse and worse, and it led to a lot of fighting and pain. I have always been a happy, cheerful, peace, love, etc kind of guy, so it eats at me every time she yells or complains. She seemingly complains and hates pretty much everything the world has to offer. We have a child now of 7 months, and she is the only reason my wife and I smile when at home. When the kid goes to sleep, the silence and resentment fill the room. After years of anger tearing at my insides, I can honestly say to myself that I am no longer in love. I struggle to see where we ever connected on a deep level. It was always superficial. We loved to party, have a fire, catch a game etc, but none of those things are deep. Every time we've tried to talk about something real, she gets angry and as a result I shut down. I don't know what to do. We are so terribly unhappy, and i've always believed that if you aren't happy in life, then what was the point of it? I can't stand to be around her for fear of having to hear her complain, I don't love her, we don't agree on our goals for the rest of our lives, and there is no real connection between us. All I know is that I don't want my kid to be significantly negatively impacted by whatever happens with her mother and me. That's what i'm held up on, what happens with the child? My marriage sucks, but I love my kid with all my heart, and I just don't know what to do. Thanks for letting me get this out.
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I'm with you 100%. It's like you read my story about twelve years ago. I've been in it for the kids, but about three years ago she cheated on me, and now I'm REALLY only in it for the kids. I read a book about people with borderline personality disorder which helped some, but it doesn't fix the angry woman. It only gives you ways to cope with her behavior. I'm not diagnosing your wife, but it has some relevance just because of the anger. I know how you feel....like you made a huge mistake in choosing to marry this person...now my kid is the one to have to suffer? And become another statistic? And the legacy of divorce, the cycle of dysfunction is falling in her lap? Then you wonder if you can ever be happy if you have caused that to happen. I wish I could tell you it all works out, but I'm still stuck in the middle myself, and I don't believe she has what it takes to truly get "better".
Author who am i Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 I hear from some friends that grew up in an unhappy home, and it severely influenced their perception of relationships. I am horribly unhappy, and my wife is unhappy with her life, but is incredibly dependent on me. I don't know what would happen to her if I left. I don't want my child to go through a divorce and having separate parents, but if we stay together in this dysfunctional home, is that any better?
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 It's the epitome of a lose-lose. Prozac helps, but it's not a cure.
JD1977 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 Have you guys tried MC? I know it doesn't guarentee to fix your marriage, but it may help. And wether or not you guys stay together, it may help you both co-parent you child. Which is HUGE for kids. You guys will have a life time together, married or not, being a part of your kids life. So why not try MC. You may find love again for your wife, but a the least you could get to a place of peace.
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I don't know what would happen to her if I left. I don't want my child to go through a divorce and having separate parents, but if we stay together in this dysfunctional home, is that any better? The short answer is no. The long answer is that I grew up in a divorced home and vowed that my child would never live the same way. My grown son moved out the other day and commented that while it bothered him to leave, he really only had bad memories of his home to begin with. I kept a totally dysfunctional family unit together for almost 22 years. I kept my promise, but I paid a high price for it. You will have to decide how high a price you are willing to pay.
the ill-made knight Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 I'd try MC before anything else. It sounds like your wife could use some IC as well. The way I see it is the two of you have a small child and neither of you has had an affair or seems abusive so there isn't really any reason not to try to work things out. No, that doesn't guarantee things will work out, but I would at least have an honest conversation with your wife and see if the two of you cannot at least try to work things out for the sake of your child if nothing else.
Steen719 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 The short answer is no. The long answer is that I grew up in a divorced home and vowed that my child would never live the same way. My grown son moved out the other day and commented that while it bothered him to leave, he really only had bad memories of his home to begin with. I kept a totally dysfunctional family unit together for almost 22 years. I kept my promise, but I paid a high price for it. You will have to decide how high a price you are willing to pay. Oh Lord, this got to me. I am divorced from XH (will be a year in Oct) & I was married 22 years. I stayed with my XH despite his cheating on me in year 8 of the marriage and there is other crap, including another infidelity and much more (if you want to read it, click on my name). Anyway, my son, now almost 22, did want me to leave his dad, did not want me to go back with him when he asked, feels I will be happier (I certainly am on my way), and has just recently told me that he didn't care about the house either being sold or foreclosed on and that he didn't like the house that much and didn't really have good memories of it. I now live in a sort of dumpy townhouse (great location, though) and he came home for summer from college. He loves it, he is so happy here, loves to have his friends over. There is a lot to be said about a happy home; that is my point.
shiftman Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 My son thanked me yesterday for sticking it out until he left, but told me that I should have left years ago................... I think his exact words were "Everybody knows that mom treated you like sh##". I told him that I appreciated his concern, but it was time for me to move on and let the pain of the past go.
Steen719 Posted August 23, 2012 Posted August 23, 2012 My son thanked me yesterday for sticking it out until he left, but told me that I should have left years ago................... I think his exact words were "Everybody knows that mom treated you like sh##". I told him that I appreciated his concern, but it was time for me to move on and let the pain of the past go. ^^^^Very similar to my son's conversation with me; almost word for word. Sorry, OP, for the t/j. You and only know how you feel, but since you do have a child and may have a chance at a happy marriage, I would try to see if you could both be happy. Go to MC and put all in. If you and she are still very unhappy with each other, then go from there, but always keep your child in mind when making decisions about where to live, custody, etc. You will never know if you should have stayed and kept a family together or left and be part of the reason it is apart. I could say that for me, I may have been happier all those years without my XH, but despite the problems, my XH gave some time to my son that was invaluable - coaching baseball, etc., so who knows? Do the very best you can for your child and if the marriage does not survive, you can still be a good, responsible, involved father. When you are trying to decide whether you want to try marriage counseling, remember that if your wife remarries, that will add another man to the mix and maybe more children. I am not saying to stay at all costs, but don't give up without trying, either. Good luck.
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