Bobibble Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Okay so this will be a long post so I apologize in advance. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over one year and it has not been an easy road, mainly due to my fault. I have extreme insecurity issues and for our entire relationship I have always been clingy to him, never gave him much time for himself, always accused him of cheating when I had ZERO proof. After dealing with that for our entire relationship, a few months ago he started to get fed up with it. He hated how I always made him out to be the "bad guy" and always accused him of cheating when he gave me no reason to not trust him. Up until recently I was a virgin and we had not had sex, and he has had ALOT of sex before me and it was always very difficult for him. I know he never cheated on me back then but for some reason I'm extremely worried now. A little background on him and me. I have moderate-semi-severe anxiety. I have trust issues and all that fun stuff and it hasn't been with just him, it's been with every relationship I've had. I currently started to take birth control so I don't know if that is one of the reasons why I'm being extra paranoid. He comes from a very close family. He is extremely close to his mother, grandmother, and sister and I have gotten reassurance even from his own mother and sister that he is not the cheating type and would never do that to me or any one else. He also has never cheated on any girl as far as I know. Now to why I feel like he may be. Due to him being so frustrated with what has been going on with us, he's become much more distant and closed off. He has gone as far as to tell me that his walls are up and that he is no longer sure what will happen between us but is hoping for the best and that he wants to work things out but that it will take time. He wants me to understand that he needs time for himself and with his friends and wants me to do the same and went as far as saying he wants me to have days where he will ask me to spend time with him and have me say "not today baby I have other plans" because he doesn't want me to be his whole life, which I totally understand. We have gone down from seeing eachother 5 or so times a week to 2-3. Granted we decided to give each other space to breathe and also so we can miss each other. However, he has told me recently that he will delete text messages from people that he doesn't talk to because he's worried that if he were to ever get drunk he would accidently text them and it would be embarrassing. He hasn't been wanting sex this week and when I asked him today why he said "I'm sorry baby I've just been busy" granted he works M-F and I started my monthly period on Sunday, I guess that is understandable. He did initiate sex on Saturday, I just wasn't in the mood to. However he told me today that this coming week he is supposed to be working from 9-6 M-F which got me thinking "how is that even possible that is well over a part time position" to which I asked him and he said he knows and that he needs to ask his manager on Monday. All my friends, his friends, my family, especially my sister are telling me to stop thinking he's cheating on me because "he is not that kind of person and does not have that personality" but I just can't help myself but think he may be. Mainly because of everything I had put him through and still semi continue to, I'm afraid I may have drove him to do so or about to. We have had our moments of almost breaking things off, never in that time frame in his most angered time has he ever even mentioned the slightest word of him ever cheating on me or wanting to, and after deciding on taking a break once, he called me the next morning saying he didn't want to because it sounded silly and wanted to work things out. As I'm typing this I realized that my "proof" isn't very much proof at all but when he takes a long time to respond to text messages or he is always tired from work (though he more than likely is because he just started this job a few weeks ago and it is alot of work) I just worry that he is hiding something. And every time I confront him about anything he will get extremely defensive and say that I don't trust him, which more than likely comes from the fact that I actually didn't and would flat out make it obvious I didn't for the first half of our relationship because I am so unbelievably insecure. All I do know is that I want this relationship to work more than anything and so my question is, is he cheating (which more than likely he is not) and if he is not, is giving him space and seeing each other 2-3 times a week until things cool off going to help? Also, what are some ways to make myself more secure because everybody and their mother that knows me have gone as far as to practically saying that if I don't stop being so insecure I will drive him away sooner then later.
TLY22 Posted July 8, 2012 Posted July 8, 2012 He's so clearly not cheating on you. You're pushing this poor guy to his limit, and he might be taking more time at work to get a break from you. Even after all you've put him through, he's still with you and giving you the time of day. Most guys would have bolted by now. Take a step back and try to restart/refresh the relationship. Don't talk everyday; just fall in love with each other again. Then learn from your mistakes, and don't constantly accuse him of these things. Hopefully this will fix your problems. But they're YOUR problems, not his. He sounds like a great guy, so be appreciative of what you've got.
Affliction Shirt Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I have extreme insecurity issues Stopped reading here. Whatever happens, just know that it's all your fault.
Radu Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I actually read your entire post. First of all you need to understand that there is a huge difference between female and male friends, between how they process information. Males do not tend to think in very convoluted ways and socially, we are quite simple. Females on the other hand, are more likely to tell you what you want to hear in order to not rock the boat, to maintain the friendship. Furthermore, you asked his blood relatives, even if they had dirt on him they would not have told you. So yeah, i wouldn't put much stock into what his sister/mother/etc... say about him. It would be highly unusualk if these would actually say something bad about their own son/brother. I was and still am hypersensitive socially, so i can relate to what you are experiencing to some degree. Are you receiving treatment for your anxiety problems ? Have you had a history of partners cheating on you or of being abandoned that caused this ? I suspect the latter. What i did to get over my anxiety caused by hypersensitivity is to try and picture what would happen past the event i was scared of occuring. Birds will still fly, fish will still swim, ppl will still fall in love, there are more great guys out there [girls for me], the world will continue to spin ... It calmed me down. What you are doing right now, putting your thoughts in writing will help you, will allow you to process things more logically as you have noticed in fact. I suspect you are quite young, so would it come as a surprise that i don't think your relationship will last ? Besides the fact that you are both young [i suspect], the guy is probably shell-shocked to some degree or another by your insecurity. What he does from now on is entirely up to him and not you. Maybe he will cheat and you will break up. Maybe it will work out, but untill you get your anxiety under control, you will not lead a happy life, you will lead a life full of worry in all of the relationships you will have. Have you tried psychological anchoring ?
Author Bobibble Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I actually read your entire post. First of all you need to understand that there is a huge difference between female and male friends, between how they process information. Males do not tend to think in very convoluted ways and socially, we are quite simple. Females on the other hand, are more likely to tell you what you want to hear in order to not rock the boat, to maintain the friendship. Furthermore, you asked his blood relatives, even if they had dirt on him they would not have told you. So yeah, i wouldn't put much stock into what his sister/mother/etc... say about him. It would be highly unusualk if these would actually say something bad about their own son/brother. I was and still am hypersensitive socially, so i can relate to what you are experiencing to some degree. Are you receiving treatment for your anxiety problems ? Have you had a history of partners cheating on you or of being abandoned that caused this ? I suspect the latter. What i did to get over my anxiety caused by hypersensitivity is to try and picture what would happen past the event i was scared of occuring. Birds will still fly, fish will still swim, ppl will still fall in love, there are more great guys out there [girls for me], the world will continue to spin ... It calmed me down. What you are doing right now, putting your thoughts in writing will help you, will allow you to process things more logically as you have noticed in fact. I suspect you are quite young, so would it come as a surprise that i don't think your relationship will last ? Besides the fact that you are both young [i suspect], the guy is probably shell-shocked to some degree or another by your insecurity. What he does from now on is entirely up to him and not you. Maybe he will cheat and you will break up. Maybe it will work out, but untill you get your anxiety under control, you will not lead a happy life, you will lead a life full of worry in all of the relationships you will have. Have you tried psychological anchoring ? Yes I am in therapy for my anxiety. We are in our early 20's so yes we are a bit young, but not as young as you may have been thinking. I have stepped back and looked at everything, especially with my own family and friends putting me in a BIG reality check lately and have realized that space is what he needs. I have given it to him and he has come back and told me that he has started to miss me and is proud of me for taking some time for myself, allowing him time, and allowing the relationship to naturally grow. He said he's noticed a significant change for the good in my own security and confidence and he said it is much more attractive to him. Obviously I need to continue my progress because I will not completely be better overnight so I just need to make sure I not allow myself to go back to how I was before. And to not let this birth control alter my thoughts and perceptions! 1
Author Bobibble Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 He's so clearly not cheating on you. You're pushing this poor guy to his limit, and he might be taking more time at work to get a break from you. Even after all you've put him through, he's still with you and giving you the time of day. Most guys would have bolted by now. Take a step back and try to restart/refresh the relationship. Don't talk everyday; just fall in love with each other again. Then learn from your mistakes, and don't constantly accuse him of these things. Hopefully this will fix your problems. But they're YOUR problems, not his. He sounds like a great guy, so be appreciative of what you've got. Thank you, thats what my family and friends have told me as well! It'll take baby steps to get the love we had back but we're both starting to do that. Hopefully in a few months or so it won't be a problem!
Author Bobibble Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Yes I am in therapy for my anxiety. We are in our early 20's so yes we are a bit young, but not as young as you may have been thinking. I have stepped back and looked at everything, especially with my own family and friends putting me in a BIG reality check lately and have realized that space is what he needs. I have given it to him and he has come back and told me that he has started to miss me and is proud of me for taking some time for myself, allowing him time, and allowing the relationship to naturally grow. He said he's noticed a significant change for the good in my own security and confidence and he said it is much more attractive to him. Obviously I need to continue my progress because I will not completely be better overnight so I just need to make sure I not allow myself to go back to how I was before. And to not let this birth control alter my thoughts and perceptions! One other thing (because it won't let me edit my post) I was "emotionally cheated" on when I was 15 but I'm not sure if that is what triggered this because looking back on it now, the whole relationship was silly and immature but as far as I can remember, I never had a fear of being cheated on until after that event occurred so I guess it has to some degree made me fearful. I never had any successful relationships due to these issues, this is my most successful and serious relationship.
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