Add me to the List.....................

[Sara_Shocked]

S.O.S I'm sure!! Married 13 years, 2 kids, everything was great. Husband is the quintessential great guy. Works out, good job, shares, helps, great dad, romatically we were good, and like everyone else I said "It will never happen to us! We get along too well!"

 

:lmao:WRONG:lmao:

I tried to use the debit card and it was declined. Let me add he handles all the finances always has for over 10 years, retirement, everything, pays all the bills, buys the cars, and just tells me "Don't spend over $300, 400, 500 for the week or whatever...".

 

I called the bank and they said your account has been locked for a possible fraud attempt and I would need to verify charges to have it unlocked. Long story short it was locked due to Moneygram charges!! 4 of them............ $110, $200, $150, and $220.

 

Shocked and bewildered I called him and he gave me some line about buying parts for his computer and car which is common for him, but Moneygram?. I asked to see the receipt aka to see who it was from why would you do that? He said he would get it............I was concerned, but more perplexed, my husband is smart why would he pay a fee to use MG vs Paypal etc? He said he would bring them home the next day after work!!

 

I went to the bank the next day and that when I saw how deep this went I was FLOORED!! 113 MONEYGRAM TRANSACTIONS IN 2 YEARS OVER $17,000!!

 

I started to go through everything line item by line item. That's when I found it..........he had been paying a subscription to a SugarDaddy site and these transaction were to girls he met.

 

I felt so sick, nautious, just couldn't believe it was true, my husband. The ultra hard working, loving, great guy, who travels a day or two for work every month had been doing this!!

 

Once confronted he was very candid and talked for probably 15 minutes before stopping!! He talked about depression, growing older, that this was his last chance to try new things meaning "girls", the rush, the taboo nature of it, how it was no strings attached, how he knew it was wrong, but always gave in. It wasn't always physical sometimes it was just dinner and a drink sharing stories. After he was done...... crying a good bit now all he said was.

 

"I can pack my clothes and leave and I expect you will be filing divorce papers soon?" "I screwed up big time and I'm prepared to accept the consequences." "Sorry, I couldn't live up to expectation of being a great guy and caved like so many others do." I'll miss you!! Just let's be ultra mindful of the kids okay!!

 

I was numb and said that's stupid to go pay for a hotel just stay in the basement!! I need to think trying so hard not to flip out!! It's been like walking on egg shell every day since. We are cordial and no decisions have been made, but inside I'm so angry, so numb, so hurt, so blown away that this happened!!

 

We are like robots just going through the motions. Eat, play with the kids, chores, clean house, play with the kids, go to sleep, he in the basement me in bed with one of the little ones.

 

I know what I wrote is jumbled mess I could type forever I'm just so lost!! I almost feel like if HE could do it and he was just so great for so long......everyone has to be doing it. We were inseperable except for the flights he would take for work which were so quick. Fly out one day back the next and they were for work I saw the tickets! He said he would meet girls then too! Looking back I see how calculated he was he would plan things weeks ahead of time. "Hey there is a race in Atlanta in 6 weeks I wanted to go too think that can happen?" "Just 2 days?" He would meet girls there too couple times a year he would do this.

 

 

He said it was never any girl more than twice sex with 5 of them all between 20-24.....we are mid 30's!

 

I just don't know.......I feel like my world has crumbled. There was never a sign not a one! I trusted him with everything he never made a mistake I had no reason not too.......UGGH!!

 

This was 10 days ago we are still just robots.........it's like life is at a stand still! I have no clue what I'm going to do.....

[frozensprouts]

first...take a deep breath.you've just had your world turned upside down, and it's impossible to think straight under those conditions

 

second...give yourself time to think and unwind a bit before you decide anything. Is there any way you can get a few days away, just for yourself to think and try and figure out what your next steps will be?

 

third...contact a lawyer. Find out what your options are and what your rights and responsibilities are- the more knowledge you have, the more in control you'll feel

 

fourth- obtain copies of all and all pertinent records ( bank records, emails, whatever) you may well need them

 

Fifth- get some counseling for yourself, and, if you feel you might want to reconcile, you and your husband together

 

sixth- see a doctor. tell them what happened, and ask to be tested for STDs, etc. also , if you still feel overwhelmed to the point you can't function, ask for help

 

seventh-reach out to a few trusted friends and family members for help

 

eighth- whatever you decide, you don't need to come to that decision right away. take your time so hat you'll know that whatever decision you make, you made it as calmly and informed as possible...in short, you'll know you made the best possible choice for your children and you

 

good luck to you...i know it may not seem like it now, but things can, and do, get better:)

[Furious]

You must be numb and thinking this must be a bad dream and when will I wake up.

 

Have you gotten into Individual Counseling to help you cope.

If not, please try to get into therapy as soon as possible.

 

So..so sorry for what your dealing with.

 

((((hugs))))

[BetrayedH]

I just wanted to reinforce well, everything Frozensprouts said, but in particular, #8. You are already on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. Try to avoid making the big "divorce or reconcile" decision with your emotions. You are really going to need to get educated on infidelity and how to deal with it. You're going to go from desperately wanting to save your marriage to wanting to bash his fool head in from minute to minute. Regardless of what you decide, it takes 2-5 years to heal. Nothing (including quick, cheap forgiveness) makes it go away any faster.

 

Many will advise to divorce and never look back. Nothing wrong with that really and no one could blame you. If you choose to reconcile, it takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a very forgiving betrayed spouse. This forum can help you figure out what that looks like very well.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry you find yourself here but you are amongst company that has been there, done that. It really sucks but you will find some solace from those that know what you are going thru and get some decent advice on trip hazards, too. Good luck to you.

[YellowShark]

Over 17 grand? WOW! Thats a load of cash. And some "Sugardaddy" website? Eeeeeeewwww... That's just creepy as hell.

 

Your husband is sick. I am not joking. I can accept one-night stands, a FWB, maybe somebody at work... But years of little girls off some creepy Sugar daddy site? Uhhhh.. That's serial-cheating big time.

 

Don't make any major decisions right now. But if you think your husband will change, think again. No matter what he promises or says something serious is broken inside him. That he can lie soooooo well, and hide this sick and twisted double life from you says a lot.

Edited July 7, 2012 by YellowShark

[YellowShark]

That right there would be enough for me to file papers. He sounds like a passive aggressive child waiting for mommy to dole out his punishment.

 

He's had ten whole days so far --- what has he been doing to prove he's willing to do anything to save the marriage? Any action at all?

 

Or has he been acting like the scolded child I described waiting for mommy to make her move?

 

I just love the line "sorry I caved like so many others do." He just didn't cheat, he cheated, and cheated, and cheated.... And spent thousands of dollars. You got a serious hard-core serial cheater on your hands who likes little girls Sara. Creepy.

[GLDheart]

"I can pack my clothes and leave and I expect you will be filing divorce papers soon?" "I screwed up big time and I'm prepared to accept the consequences." "Sorry, I couldn't live up to expectation of being a great guy and caved like so many others do." I'll miss you!! Just let's be ultra mindful of the kids okay!!

 

 

His canned response bugs the shyte out of me too. It's like he's the "Dexter" of cheaters.

 

 

Showtime : Dexter : Home

[Sara_Shocked]

We are still acting like robots just going through the motions we know something is terribly amiss, but I doubt many others would. I have so many questions that one part of me wants answered while the other part asks do I really want to know it all?

 

I researched alot about the site he was on and I had no idea this world even existed it's much bigger then I expected. I would like to think girls would think more of themselves, but it seems $500-1000 to hang out, have drinks, talk, etc and possibly please a man physically is appealing to many like thousands!!

 

Today the kids were at bday party and I was feeling like I need to know more. I asked him why? What else have you done? After some dodging of the question........"Do you really want to talk about this?" "Are you sure?" I said YES I'M SURE!

 

In a nutshell he said "Life became boring" I'm paraphrasing a bit..."I've done a lot in my life have succeeded in my career, we have great house, great kids, you are a great wife. Nice cars, retirement, I looked around and I felt like this is it? Now I just raise kids, save money, clean house, pta, etc? I'm by no means saying this isn't great it is, but I would say often and question what's next and have been for about a year or so? I don't get drunk, gamble, I'm about as straight laced as they come and I sometimes don't like that I'm that way........ then a buddy sent me a link to that site.

 

It felt so wrong to even look at it.....but for giggles I signed up. From there I just gave in.....it seemed so taboo, edgy, no commitment, I was so nervous because I knew it was wrong. The thrill was obviously stronger it was like a huge adrenaline rush every 6-7 weeks.

 

I was just shaking my head at this point when he asked "Do you want me to continue?" I said YES.

 

He said.....He would get messages from girls some too young he said "18,19" he is 34. Then some in the 22-23 range. Mostly girls going to grad school that needed help or heard about the site too and were checking it out. He said it moved fast "We for drinks.........she was flirty, beautiful, talking about school her future etc" that was it I was hooked" The second time they met she drove 1hr to where he was staying same thing drinks, dinner, talking, flirty and she performed oral sex later on."

 

I stopped him and said I don't need to know anymore, but I'll assume more of the same right? Different girls same scenario? He said YES same scenario different girls!

 

He said he always used protection and I believe him because he is such a clean freak, but we are still going to the Dr. next week for tests etc. We are going to go to counseling because it's the right thing to do I still feel nothing but pain, anger, disappointment, like being stuck in a dream and never waking up. I feel grossly insecure because even though I'm pretty I'm not 22-24 either!!

 

I haven't told anybody because it doesn't help anything. Both of our parents are deceased for one and if I tell my girlfriends it will be 100 questions everyday for who knows how long. Then all the funny looks etc etc we are just going to go to therapy and continue to talk and see what happens.

 

My husband is strange in some ways.........and now I just wonder what else he is into. He has no friends! He is the guy you meet who is attractive, funny, knows everything about everything, but then you don't see him again for a month.You meet him again and think the same thing then you won't see him for a month. He claims he has social anxiety and really he has all the signs. He doesn't hang out with guys at all thinking back he never has. He's always doing moving forward very driven, but not super social even if he seems good at it he says "It's so draining I feel like I need hours alone afterwards". he says. It's always just us and the kids everyday! Normally he just reads, works, works out, we would hang out date nights, movies, txt, talk all day, and plays with the kids.

 

I'm thinking of all this little quirks he has.......he won't let me see him fully naked EVER like 2 times in over 10 years, hates daytime sex, doesn't enjoy parties like I said... though you would never know it when he is at one. is not social by nature...that's what makes this so amazingly hard to believe. That he would meet random strangers is so not him or so I thought! So, now I'm like what is wrong with him. He is the one with the issues he's always had issues he just hides them so well with well placed armor.

 

Oh well I'm rambling..............again! Tom. is another day just trying to take it one day at a time.

[GLDheart]

Sara, I seriously think he has rehearsed these answers. They just sound like he's been running them out ahead of time waiting for the day you caught him. The reason that matters is that it totally destroys any value they have.

 

His answeres therefore have NOTHING to do with what really happened.

[Furious]

He controlled the finances, has no friends, you've only seen him naked twice in all the years you've been married, it exhausts him to socialize and act friendly, he is cheating on you with call girls and has gone into over $17,000 in debt to support his sex addiction.

 

He then explains this as some sort of mid-life crisis.

 

This is more than a mid-life crisis...he has some very serious issues, and they've probably been there long before you ever met him.

 

If you can't talk to your family or friends...please get into Individual

Counseling for yourself, this is way to much for you to deal with alone.

 

You should also see a lawyer and be informed as to your legal rights if you decide at some point you want to separate.

Edited July 8, 2012 by Furious

[Snakechammah]

Sara, from what you have written, you sound like a calm, collected, mature and lovely person. I truly hope you can overcome this madness and emerge a stronger and knowledgeable person at the end of the day.

 

Your husband is one heck of a creepy man. How on earth did you fall in love with him - with all those quirky and strange issues of his??

 

When a husband controls the finance in the household - it's mostly a red flag. When he has all the power and control (money means power for most), it is VERY difficult for the woman (even worse an unemployed housewife minding the kids with no income of her own) to regain back her self-esteem and control WHEN the husband betrays her. This sets a vicious cycle. The wife depends on the husband and has no choice but to swallow EVERY betrayal and hurt because she is unable to stand on her own two feet. It happens. Very sadly.

 

That's the reason, moving forward, the woman should always take care of herself first. Seize some control of the finance - if you're not employed, maybe save $100 (from the grocery money he gives you) for yourself in your own bank account every month (of course you can use this for the family in greater need - but this is mostly for your own emergency funds...just in case)... better still, get a part time job when the kids are older and GET YOUR OWN INCOME. With money and independence, you have self respect. And when you have self respect, nobody can treat you like sh*t. Especially not your husband!

 

Going back to the thread, it somehow bugs me bigtime how your husband responded to you. He has no remorse. He thinks it's a joke? He doesn't seem to take the issue seriously. In a nutshell, he doesn't seem to CARE about the hurt you are feeling. It's all about him apparently. He is one selfish prick!!!

 

On the other hand, how was your sex life? You've only seen him naked twice in 13 years??? How did you survive?? If it was my husband, I would rip his clothes off and pounce on him every night! It seems rather absurb he has sex with clothes on all these years. The men I know are always the first one to stand butt naked at the slightest hint of interest! Does your husband have body issues? What's wrong with his physique?

 

You both need serious counselling - more so him! Good luck, your husband truly need professional help. Do udate us, and I wish you all the best!

[BetrayedH]

I agree that it sounds very rehearsed. I'm sorry to say that the first "honesty" is usually anything but honest. Every 6-7 weeks is oddly spread out for someone who is addicted. And that he always used protection. And that it was never really the same girl twice - so you won't feel he has an emotional attachment to any of them. Honestly, I would worry about the more steady OW that he has in town. She's probably far underground right now until things blow over and then he can reengage with her - but much smarter this time. I don't mean to cause you more hurt. This is just usually the way it plays out and you deserve to know the truth. I would keep investigating and do it quietly.

[YellowShark]

It felt so wrong to even look at it.....but for giggles I signed up. From there I just gave in.....it seemed so taboo, edgy, no commitment, I was so nervous because I knew it was wrong. The thrill was obviously stronger it was like a huge adrenaline rush every 6-7 weeks

 

TRANSLATION: "I was paying for sex with 20-year-old strangers."

 

 

In a nutshell he said "Life became boring" I'm paraphrasing a bit..."I've done a lot in my life have succeeded in my career, we have great house, great kids, you are a great wife. Nice cars, retirement, I looked around and I felt like this is it?

 

TRANSLATION: "So the answer to my boredom with my "perfect life" was to drop an atom bomb on it. I joined a website where I could hook up with 20-year-olds and pay for sex with them.. behind your back. I think I am at $17,000 and counting."

 

..we are still going to the Dr. next week for tests etc. We are going to go to counseling because it's the right thing to do.

 

Definitely 2 good ideas.

 

I still feel nothing but pain, anger, disappointment, like being stuck in a dream and never waking up. I feel grossly insecure because even though I'm pretty I'm not 22-24 either!!

 

It's not about you. It's about him. Don't feel insecure. Your husband has a problem... and you just found out he has spent $17,000 so far betraying you. It's a shock for sure.

 

For now do the therapy and doctor things... find out what they have to say.. that's step one. Don't think past that right now. Baby steps.

[Athena]

When your husband chose his new hobby, he willingly chose to risk losing you and the kids. He knew it was a gamble, and he thought it was well worth the rewards he was getting.

 

To his surprise, you haven't kicked him out and divorced him. So just what message is that sending him exactly?

That you love him, no matter what, that you want him, and need him, and will take him on his terms no matter what he's done, or will do.

 

There is nothing to control his behavior... not even the risk of losing it all, not you, not anything.

 

I wonder what he thinks now that he gets to Keep It All.

[Sara_Shocked]

@Snakechammah, I may be painting him in a bad light. He's modest when naked that was my point. The social aspect you would not know if you met him people love to be around him......he just says he doesn't love to be around people and finds social setting stressful. Like I said before he leaves a impression!

 

Physically we were great I would joke with him and call him my "Quiet Super Freak" cause that is what he is as much as it sickens me now!! I can only imagine what he did with those young women!! One of the things that made him so different was here was this attractive, buff, super smart man, yet mild mannered guy, always one step ahead of the rest! In college while other guys were getting C's and drunk he was getting A's and paid internships. When the guys would play flag football or softball and get drunk afterwards he would hit the gym and go play chess at the local artsy hang out.....and after we would go on walks. He was always so different looked like a jock, but always had the heart of a gold like the hopeless romantic. I was the only person he was ever with until now!

 

At 34 he is VP makes over $250K with huge upside potential, but now I understand he obviously has deep rooted issues!! I say all of this to say that's why he always controlled everything he is very successful at everything he does! I was living a dream until this happened.

 

May it be the box full of our wedding vows that gave me two years ago to something more extravagant like on his bday when I saw his car in the driveway (which is rare) he said "Can you get me the cordless drill out of the garage. When I looked in there was a brand new Land Rover with a bow. He told me how there is nothing he wanted more for his bday then for me to be happy. I'm not a snob, but I do like nice things, so I was pretty ecstatic. Txt messages, love you sticky notes, making the kids lunches, he really is/was great.

 

Lastly, even though my world has been turned upside down, I don't think there is anyone else because there is no time at all. We spend every second of every day together except for his work trips and these occasional trips he would take (to cheat who know if he went to race or not). Looking back I think he purposely planned them 6-8 weeks apart on purpose, so I wouldn't be suspicious.

 

His normal day is work 7:30-5 then he comes home and stays home or we go to the gym together, kids activities, and dinner etc. Weekends are date nights, so if there is another woman locally he's seeing her before work or he is sneaking out at night after we go to bed which isn't happening I would know....... We really are or were inseparable.

 

He did say he was "Sorry alot today and said he was willing to do whatever it took to prove that", "I know I have issues and trying to fill the void with doing that was not only not working it was making parts worse"

 

That's it really.........went to church today! The first one he has been to in a long long time. Two things about my husband 1 his parents passed when he was a teenager and he has no siblings a couple uncles and cousins that he doesn't really know and that's it.

 

2 he was in a cultic church growing up and it messed with his head for years. It was very works based and when his parents died at 17 I can only imagine what that was like. Alot of me thinks after that he took all of that energy that was forced, built, focused on church and aimed it at succeeding in life.

 

IDK I'm grasping at straws really....we will see how the week goes ...one day at a time!

 

Thanks for the advice

[96nole]

 

I researched alot about the site he was on and I had no idea this world even existed it's much bigger then I expected. I would like to think girls would think more of themselves, but it seems $500-1000 to hang out, have drinks, talk, etc and possibly please a man physically is appealing to many like thousands!!

 

 

My former boss was a sugar daddy. And yes it is a big "world". He had several email addresses just for finding his sugarbabies. He had a woman in every port. This is a lifestyle. This is not something you do because you're bored with having what everyone in the world is working their asses off to get.

 

How convenient that a friend happen to tell him about it. Why is a friend telling him about a site like this? I'm not buying it.

 

I'm going to be brutally honest, I don't think there is a future with him unless you're OK with him continuing this way. I don't think he will stop. What will compel him to stop when stopping only takes him back to what "bores" him?

 

My boss was a married with 5 kids. Pretty wife. Big house. Drove a Bentley. Traveled the world for work and pleasure. Very successful business owner. They even had a maid and a live in nanny. His wife was OK with him having his side women as long as she didn't know about it. She didn't want to give up her lifestyle. And they still did a lot together and as a family. Every summer they would have a month long vacation in Europe. But he still liked his side women.

 

Make sure that whatever you decide is best for you and your children. Don't worry about what's best for him. He's already doing that.

[2sure]

2 years. 113 "Transactions" And 17 thousand dollars.

 

Mr. Wonderful found plenty of time. And I bet he has been even more wonderful the past 2 years.

 

He has everything, just wants more. He doesn't have friends or social interests because they aren't all about him.

 

This is not going to be fine. It's not going to go away. It's not going to stop.

[dreamingoftigers]

Over 17 grand? WOW! Thats a load of cash. And some "Sugardaddy" website? Eeeeeeewwww... That's just creepy as hell.

 

Your husband is sick. I am not joking. I can accept one-night stands, a FWB, maybe somebody at work... But years of little girls off some creepy Sugar daddy site? Uhhhh.. That's serial-cheating big time.

 

Don't make any major decisions right now. But if you think your husband will change, think again. No matter what he promises or says something serious is broken inside him. That he can lie soooooo well, and hide this sick and twisted double life from you says a lot.

 

You most likely have a sexual addict with intimacy issues.

 

I married one too. Welcome to the nightmare. You either develop a dark sense of humor and a spine of steel or you lose yourself.

 

sa.org

 

Books:

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse

Out of the Shadows.

 

Don't just take my word for it, check it out, find a specialist to check it out if you are considering reconciling.

 

How's your stomach?

Btw, your sleep is going to be messed right up. Try some hot baths at night or something. Try to avoid pills. Avoid booze.

[dreamingoftigers]

@Snakechammah, I may be painting him in a bad light. He's modest when naked that was my point. The social aspect you would not know if you met him people love to be around him......he just says he doesn't love to be around people and finds social setting stressful. Like I said before he leaves a impression!

 

Physically we were great I would joke with him and call him my "Quiet Super Freak" cause that is what he is as much as it sickens me now!! I can only imagine what he did with those young women!! One of the things that made him so different was here was this attractive, buff, super smart man, yet mild mannered guy, always one step ahead of the rest! In college while other guys were getting C's and drunk he was getting A's and paid internships. When the guys would play flag football or softball and get drunk afterwards he would hit the gym and go play chess at the local artsy hang out.....and after we would go on walks. He was always so different looked like a jock, but always had the

heart of a gold like the hopeless romantic. I was the only person he was ever with until now!

 

At 34 he is VP makes over $250K with huge upside potential, but now I understand he obviously has deep rooted issues!! I say all of this to say that's why he always controlled everything he is very successful at everything he does! I was living a dream until this happened.

 

May it be the box full of our wedding vows that gave me two years ago to something more extravagant like on his bday when I saw his car in the driveway (which is rare) he said "Can you get me the cordless drill out of the garage. When I looked in there was a brand new Land Rover with a bow. He told me how there is nothing he wanted more for his bday then for me to be happy. I'm not a snob, but I do like nice things, so I was pretty ecstatic. Txt messages, love you sticky notes, making the kids lunches, he really is/was great.

 

Lastly, even though my world has been turned upside down, I don't think there is anyone else because there is no time at all. We spend every second of every day together except for his work trips and these occasional trips he would take (to cheat who know if he went to race or not). Looking back I think he purposely planned them 6-8 weeks apart on purpose, so I wouldn't be suspicious.

 

His normal day is work 7:30-5 then he comes home and stays home or we go to the gym together, kids activities, and dinner etc. Weekends are date nights, so if there is another woman locally he's seeing her before work or he is sneaking out at night after we go to bed which isn't happening I would know....... We really are or were inseparable.

 

He did say he was "Sorry alot today and said he was willing to do whatever it took to prove that", "I know I have issues and trying to fill the void with doing that was not only not working it was making parts worse"

 

That's it really.........went to church today! The first one he has been to in a long long time. Two things about my husband 1 his parents passed when he was a teenager and he has no siblings a couple uncles and cousins that he doesn't really know and that's it.

 

2 he was in a cultic church growing up and it messed with his head for years. It was very works based and when his parents died at 17 I can only imagine what that was like. Alot of me thinks after that he took all of that energy that

was forced, built, focused on church and aimed it at succeeding in life.

 

IDK I'm grasping at straws really....we will see how the week goes ...one day at a time!

 

Thanks for the advice

 

God, your first bit reminded me so much of the early days of myself and my husband.

 

Our sex life was great, he was like a total saint, concerned for my happiness.

 

I was so amazed and though I was beyond lucky that a girl with my family background could luck out and get such a happy, well-adjusted man like my husband. He just floored me.

 

He was so determined, so just....everything.

 

Then the truth spilled and it turned out he could be more of a monster and more broken then I ever would have suspected. I have seen very dark part of my husband. Places the sun hadn't shone in years.

 

Your husband has completely compartmentalized what this has done to his family, you and himself for years.

 

To be honest, I think that one of you may want to move out for a bit to reconsider the effects. It wasn't until my husband got that boot in his butt from myself that I was able to gain some perspective.

[BetrayedH]

Most affairs develop at the workplace. He has plenty of time and freedom there. My wife was in middle management and she and her boss found time during the workday to visit 50-70 hotel rooms over about a 13 month period. I was none the wiser because she was otherwise a great wife and mother. I'm sorry but your post couldn't sound more full of denial. Gosh, what a wonderful guy he is. Oh wait, no he isn't. This is the first stage of grief. The others will come soon as your mind will not be able to stay in denial forever. This is just what happens when the initial shock sets in. I'm sorry but at this point, all you KNOW is that he is a liar.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh god.

 

I am so so sorry. This is going to completely nuclear bomb your self-esteem.

 

He is not going to clue in for a looonnnnggg time.

 

It took my husband 3 years to really clue in to my suffering being not all about him.

 

Plus your husband has no problem piling the graphic details on you.

 

My husband was the same and my father the same to my mother.

 

I hate to say this prematurely but I will risk it: this guy is mad as Hell at his mother and he is point-blank taking it out on you. He treats you like a mother that will never be satisfied with him (playing out his own drama) and then he seeks out his good-time girls on the side.

 

If he were to get to know them on any real level he wouldn't be able to get the high off of the NSA sex anymore. He wants to pay them and be their hero.

 

This is all about him.

 

My husband described it the other night as playing his own game of baseball, not seeing me stand beside him and then repeatedly, accidentally hitting me with the bat because he keeps expecting me not to stand in the way.

[Radu]

I just want to add that social anxiety is real, it doesn't excuse what this guy did, but it's real.

Charming in public is his outer shell.

Being a VP is a lot about perception too, leadership 80 and management 20 so i'm guessing it comes partially from there too [again, no excuse for it].

 

I don't know if he did this out of boredom [again ... i can see how it would be so] or just because he hates his mom [like DOT said], but i do know that all you have written is about power.

He has a job where he has power over others, where his example is followed by others.

He was driven to getting that power [and that attracted you].

He controlled the finances [power].

He was the sugar-daddy to those girls for money [power] and they did what he wanted.

 

He didn't want those girls because they are prettier than you, he wanted them because they needed his money, they needed him ... that's the angle he toyed with them from.

He had power over you, but in a way you are more independent of him than those girls are as you can leave, take the kids, are more mature, he would be forced by society to support you and the kids ... etc.

 

Then there is the fact that he lost his parents at 17, i would not be surprised if you found out in the end [after therapy], that it was all about power coming from event.

 

I normally am of the mindset that an affair needs to be disclosed immediately to everyone that will listen, to shatter the affair fog.

I do not recommend you inform his workplace about his affair though.

You are a single income family and if he is in a very competitive industry, then his career will be done.

 

The reason he was so cold and calculated in his responses to you is i suspect because of his job, management is a place where you don't want emotions to rule.

 

As for you, do not let him get away with this, do not bury it down, deal with it but he needs to get therapy pronto.

If you go into MC, there are some therapists who are of the conviction that for the marriage to survive, then one must be sacrifice [to bottle it down].

Pls do not do this, talk it through, ask information from him, check his stories, you will be able to forgive in 2-5yrs, but you will never forget.

 

PS: If i'm right about the power thing, then he will fight you if you force him into therapy.

The only way it would work is if he understood that he is captive to his desire [need] for power, and that he needs to fight that in his marriage or else it will destroy him.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Radu

[Sadwife37]

I found out about my H affair 7.5 months ago. But I suspected it for 3 years before that. In a lot of ways he sounds like your husband. My H is a partner at a Law firm. Very successful. Great family man, always with us on the weekends and after work. He worked 8 - 5:30 most days and came home to his family right after. We always went to bed together. He has very few close friends and almost all of our socializing was together and together with other couples. He said things like how could I ever have time for an affair. I am always here and we are always together. He convinced me I was imagining everything. Once the A was discovered I found out they talked on the phone every day when he got to work and they emailed. They would both leave work in the middle of the day to have sex at her house. She was also married with kids. If someone wants to have an A they can find time.

 

I hope your H starts to come around and show remorse for his actions. My H and I are reconciling. He is very remorseful and 100% transparent. I believe he does fully understand the impact his selfish decisions had on me and our family. I believe he fully regrets his choices and will never cheat again. But I am still torn apart by his betrayal. I still have some days where just functioning is very difficult. I can't imagine how you could ever successfully reconcile without your H having a total change of heart. He should be begging you for a second chance and promising to do anything you need if you will give him and your family another chance. The reality of the mistakes he has made and the pain he has caused you should make him sick. I am not hearing any sign of this. I truly hope reality settles in and he starts to fight for you and the life he has thrown away. You deserve much better. I hope you get it!

[Summer Breeze]

A friend gave him the website. So that means he had been actively talking about this to at least 1 person. And he signed up for 'giggles'.

 

The 2 words would be good and bye. What on earth is keeping you with this guy? I agree all of his answers seem rehearsed and he's just waiting for you to come around and figure out you can't live without him and his lifestyle. He likes the lifestyle and figures you do too.

 

I've read all of your posts and I can't believe you're entertaining the idea of reconciling. Good luck to you no matter what you end up doing.

[Athena]

As Radu said above, "I normally am of the mindset that an affair needs to be disclosed immediately to everyone that will listen, to shatter the affair fog." I agree, you need to do this, because THIS ONE THING is what will lead the way to his feeling true remorse and determination to change....

 

The fact is that he has been living under cover for the past two years, doing despicable things with NO CONSEQUENCES, so he has 'adapted' to having no guilty feelings about what he's been up to!

 

When the 'consequences' come rolling in, in way of family and friends looking at him differently (like you do), THEN he will begin to realize that he does not like being treated differently, and that will motivate him to change his behavior and eventually, his mindset.

 

If you keep it all secret, he will only see the hurt and disgust in your eyes, and associate YOU as the problem, as the thing that is out of alignment.... in time, he will care less and less if you are out of the picture, so long as his career, hobby, family, children, and friends all look at him the same way as before... he will just adjust to living without you.

 

So, if you want him to take another look at himself and his choices, you have to make sure that everyone knows, so that he knows that they know, and that he begins to judge himself through their eyes (even if they say nothing to him).... there is no other way he will hold himself accountable if you do not put him through this process.

 

PS: If he gets angry at your telling family and friends, remind him that he DID say he is 'ready and willing to take the consequences' for what he chose to do... consequences include people knowing what he did.

Edited July 9, 2012 by Athena