imavictim Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 ok this is gonna be long, but history is needed for this story , plese bear with me . About 2 years ago me and my high school fantasy actually got together, we moved in together almost immediatly, i was a bit hazy about getting into a relationship with her cause she hadnt really broken up with her ex, and i had just gotten out of a very horrible relationship in any case, we were together and we were happy, sex was great and our fcommunication was amazing everything was perfect. I had a pre-existing drug problem that with her help i over came and she really helped me get my life back on track, she is the best thing in my life, but one day she got an e-mail from her ex, almost two years after the break up!, well, i know that she has feelings for him, but since i trust her i tell her to try an talk to him, and so she does,and they start hanging out ..alot..like she would leave at 8 pm and get home at 1 am , after telling me she would be home at 10 , it eventually got to the point where i would beg her not to go and she still would. finally one day she confessed that she had kissed him 5 times in 6 visits..i told her to never see him again, and i could trust her, however she simple copntinued to go ..i had to go to counseling for anxiety during all this it felt liek no matter what i said or did she would turn it around and make me feel bad for taking her "friend" away.. Finally on my birthday i went out of state for a tattoo cvonvention.the trip turned to **** and i decided to come home early so i could spend my b-day with my gf, however when i got home at 10 pm , her dad said he hadnt seen her since 5 , and i had tried to call her cell but it was turned off, well i called her from home and she answered and said she was at the guys house and that they had watched movies ..i told her to have fun and that i would have my stuff out by the time she got home..then i got mad and raced to his house, luckily i met her on the way and followed her back home there was a huge fight and i think i actually got my point across, ..3 days later she went to see him and completly broke it off..he of course was a dick about it and made her feel bad . so now my question, during the time of her visits with him our sex life dropped dramatically , and since then we have had sex only once or twice in over a month ..now she says that she thinks about sex with other people and that she wants to watch me and another guy, and that she wants to have sex with other people but she hasnt named any specifically..i mean thers no real question ..just help me understand what may be goinmg on here..i love her more then anything int he world and i cant stand the thought of our relationship falling apart..
StartingAgain Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 This sounds very much like what my ex did to me. Your woman is having sex with this other guy. Your relationship has already fallen apart. You are young, you aren't married, there is no committment here. I know it hurts, but send her packing. Things are only going to get worse and it's just too painful a situation for a bf/gf relationship. It'll leave you scarred. Find yourself someone who is over her previous bf.
Sweetcandi20 Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 your not a victim.....cheating happens everyday.....getting over an ex is very hard.....im not saying that her love to you wasnt true....there is some loosse ends she needs to finish tying up and having sex is not the answer to tying things up.......she loves you ....she trying to sort somethings....maybe...i hope... my boyfriend cheated on me and the last thing he wants me to do is dwell on the situation.....alll you are doing is leaving the wound open and allowing the sore to never be healed.... Talk to her....explain your pain....make it clear that she is hurting you ......and decide if you want to go further with her or not.
StartingAgain Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I dont agree, Sweetcandi20. The woman he loves cheated on him. She betrayed him. In this regard he is a victim. I'm not talking about having a victim mentality, that's never good. But you'd have to be completely clueless or insensitive not to understand that cheating on your mate is going to hurt him/her. Cheaters know they are doing wrong. It just that while they are in the excitement of the affair, they don't much care. "my boyfriend cheated on me and the last thing he wants me to do is dwell on the situation.....alll you are doing is leaving the wound open and allowing the sore to never be healed.... " He's woman is cheating on him. He isn't keeping the wound open; she is. I take if from this statement that you and you B/F have got beyond his cheating and you have forgiven and trust him again? If so, you are correct, you don't dwell on it. If it's in the past leave it there. But if it's a case where he cheated and got caught, but the two of you didn't deal with it the way you should, then he will cheat again. When cheaters are allowed to get away with this behavior without reprisal, they will alway cheat again. You say cheating happens everyday. But you say this like it's no big deal. It is a big deal and it shouldn't be happening every day. If a married couple is faced with this issue, they must try to work through it. Id a couple who's only been dating a short time is faced with it, then I don't think it should be a major issue. But if an unmarried couple, who are in a long term relationship, is faced with it, then I advise ending the relationship. My rational and logic for this is quite clear. While the cheater is involved with the OP, they will not work on their relationship. Hence, for a married couple, the injured spouse, if he or she chooses to wait out the affair, has a horrible job. It's the most painful thing in the world to sit by knowing that your mate is currently making love to someone else and all you can do is wait and try not to loose your mind. But it's what you have to do for the sake of your marriage. I can't see a non-married person putting him/herself through this ordeal for the sake of a nonmarital relationship. And, yes, a nonmarital relationship is completely different from a marital one, as all married people soon learn. Rather, ultimately the least painful course is to end the relationship.
Sweetcandi20 Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 i wasnt saying that she was not hurting him........and i never said that she was not aware of her actions...i said it is very hard to get over an ex. all i am saying in order for closure they need to talk to one another as hard as it maybe...it needs to happen...you just can not move on freely without discussing the matter......it will always haunt you! i know how betrayal feels and i know how an affair can put a damper on your relationship...but if you want the relationship to last there is a gap of communication that must be filled......and i mean filled! Talk out everything...but only ask questions that you would feel comfortable with knowing the answers......all i was implying was after the talk......she and you both know the affair occured and its best not to bring it up in everyday conversation..like...."but you did this to me" (I know it happens when arguements start) because if they already feel horrible about it and you do too then you are not helping better the relationship.and the relationship will die bc trust is a issue...but if the relationship is not better after the talk its time to call it quits but it does take time for the relationship to heal after an affair, it will not go back to way it was before.
Author imavictim Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 thanks for all your replies and i think i can clear this up a bit , she is not seeing him anymore, therefore she is not currently cheating on me, and i have told her exactly how i feel, as i said we have a great communication program, however this recent turn of almost coldness towards me in a sense, is very puzzelling..she says that she is never in the mood and that when we do have sex she just tolerates it until it starts to be enjoyable..i dont understand and she says that she thinks about /wants to have sex with ANYONE ELSE from me, i cannot even grasp this concept..i mean i am still a guy but i cant look at girls taht way anymore..its odd..see, she never told me taht she wanted to be with him, i asked and had she said yes i would have left, she begged me to stay and i did, i would honestly do anything she asks me to do if i think it will make her happier..love is a beautiful trap ...this newfound coldness/desire for anyone but me immediatly following a slight cheating adventure..what could it mean? what could it lead to? we dont talk about the boy anymore..except this one day we went to get some tacos and he handed them to us, and then he wrote her an e-mail that said "you broke my heart" she wrote him back..i dont know what she wrote but he hasnt replied..i dont hate him..she is a wonderful person and i understand why he would risk so much on her but i wish he and she would extend me a bit of respect..but anyhow the guy is gone and buried and i like it like that but this new crap..i dont like
Author imavictim Posted July 24, 2004 Author Posted July 24, 2004 ok , so its been like a month since my last post thingie or whatever, but last night the gf gets up in the middle of the night looking for her scap book thing , which just happens to contain pictures/letters of her ex bf....me no like this...i really dont want to get mad but she says she does in fact still want to be his friend..i told her that that part is ****ed up and that she should try to be friends with someone/anyone else, and that she has caused his being her friend to be imposssible while maintaining a relationship with me..hmmm.. i really dont know what to make of it all...help me out ...yo... " i met with my therapist, and i was admiring all his plaques on the wall. I noticed a plaque signed by Cal Ripkin Jr. "Is'nt that the guy who owns the Dollar General Store?" i asked. "Yes" he answered...I never trusted him after that"
StartingAgain Posted July 24, 2004 Posted July 24, 2004 imavictim, Sometimes a man gets under a woman's skin and she can't leave him alone. The guy my ex cheated with is like that. She just wanted to remain his friend, since they had been friends for so long. Actually they have been lovers four itmes in the last 20 years and it's turned out badly for them each time. Yet they hide behind this friendship bulls***. She's been engaged once (broke if off) and married three times and he's been on the scene to destroy each of those relationships. Yet she WILL NOT see this pattern and understand that this looser is anything but her friend. And of course when I tried to convince her leave this man alone before he destroyed our marriage, *I* was the bad guy; *I* was the controlling, manipulating bastard who was dictating who she could call friend. There every possibility that you are in a similar situation. Your gf carrying a torch for her exbf and may do this forever. As I said in my initial post, find yourself a woman who isn't still in love with her exbf.
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