It happens everytime!

[GeeziG]

Hey loveshackers,

 

I just wanted to start a post to get some insight on if every relationship i've been in for the past few years ends because of me, and if so what are somethings that i could change to prevent this in future relationships...

 

I'll start by saying that my past few relationships have ended the same identical way and in the same amount of time only lasting a breif 6 months. ..although I am fairly young being 22 years of age i have always been very mature when it comes to relationships knowing exactly what i want and expect out of my partner. I am a very hard loving individual and always put the girl i've chosen to be with first in my life. I am very consisten in the way i love and if i start to show it in one way i will continue. .. i've been told that i have a natural sense of how to love nd treat the person i am with and i take a lot of pride in it and have been told not to change, however it always leaves me alone in the end.

 

At the start of each relationship i go in with a lot of confidence knowing that most guys are not like me and that the female that i have comitted to will soon see this and appreciate how much thought and care i put into the relationship we have embarked on. ..all feelings seem mutual then, but somewhere between the start and the end i start to feel less confident and insecure about the relationship i have decied to be in..mainly because i start to realize that the female that i am with maybe not be as comitted or serious about the relationship as i would like her to be. ..maybe it has to do with immaturity and age on there part, but they always claim to be sooo in love and soo serious about the relationship we have nd i believe that, but there actions dont seem to match there words in certian circumstances... For instance in my most recent relationship of six month which was a LDR i had to literally beg my EX to stop talking to her EX'S (which happen to be three different guys) because i just didn't feel like that was something you go into a new relationship doing if you are really trying to be serious anyway. ..or the fact that she could never make me as important as her family and friends i felt more like an option than a proritiy and like any mature person would do i approached her about it and she basically told me i would never be as important to her as them...she would also do things like call me and tell me two guys told me i was sexy as **** today?! like is that really something you tell your signficant other? maybe i am insecure, but i feel like her actions contributed to me being even more insecure about the realtionship i was in with her... she ended up moving to the same city as me but broke up with me two days before she got here...saying that she couldnt meet my standrds she wasnt ready to be committed and that i should learn to trust my girlfriend in everything that she does... she blamed the whole breakup on me and this is the same words of an ex prior to her...so is it really me? What am i doing wrong...

 

Also i saw my most recent EX the day she arrived here and one of the first things she said was this is my first night here and if i wanted to go out tonite you would have a problem with it...like really?! considering we have been long distance for six months and the enitre time all we have been talkin bout is spending time together seeing each other etc... who wouldnt?

 

She also said she felt like she was losing herself so maybe the relationship was really just to serious for here, but like i said once again for the longest time all the way up until the breakup this is what she supposedly wanted... All my EX'S seem to realize what they had once its over and done too i just dont understand

 

I guess im just venting and searching for answers any replys will be really helpful thank you.

Edited July 6, 2012 by GeeziG

[Girlboots]

I don't think it's you.

 

I've noticed that people around our age usually don't appreciate people that are willing to commit and put in care and love into the relationship. They usually want to experience people and move on. They don't want to be tied down to someone just yet, because they feel young and sexy and they want to explore the ocean a little.

 

I think it's ok to feel a little insecure. But, if it starts to interfere with the relationship and the girl finds herself comforting you at all times, she's going to want space. You seem like a great person, I think you just find people that aren't looking for what you're looking for.

[RogerWallace111]

Yeah, find some different girls... That's all very reasonable stuff to take issue with. And if you handled it calmly & maturely, props to you. I've had some serious (usually drunken) fury related to contact between my ex and her exes. Which obviously just makes you look like a weak douchebag. But truly, the only friends of mine I can think of who are truly cool/indifferent with their girl having regular, unecessary contact with her ex's are either 1) cheating on her, or 2) just don't care that much about her.

 

And the long distance thing isn't always conducive to building a strong bond, realistically. It sounds like you are a good boyfriend, but that doesn't always equate to a super strong attraction that's gonna make you indispensable in a more longterm sense. Not a profound statement but girls often place more importance in a guy's personal strength/charisma/independence than his honest, caring, protective, supportive conduct as a partner. You've gotta strike a balance. I've had my weak/needy moments but my underlying confidence, positivity & big aspirations seemed to more than make up for it in my last relationship. And this is with a girl who had previously never been dumped, and only broke up with me after I did with her...

 

 

Do you have a hobby/affinity, goal/dream or passion that transcends your desire to be in a relationship ? Show the next girl something like that if you can... That you have more important things going for you than the validation of females (which can feel and is pretty important, but is never guaranteed !)...

Edited July 6, 2012 by RogerWallace111

[GeeziG]

Thanks for the feedback, Roger I will def keep all the points you addressed in mind, but more focused on a goal and myself in my next relationship than with whom im with. ..i love hard and at times i love too hard, and i guess there is a such thing as loving someone so much you push them away! I have hobbies like golf, and do have goals which all revolve around having a sucessful family job etc. maybe that scares them away.. idk but ppl think ima hell of a boyfriend, but i guess being a hell of a boyfriend these days means your weak!!! I can't help who i am tho and how i have a desire to love and support the female that i am with, but something has to change because im the one that always gets hurt in the end! but i agree on what you said about the whole ex situation if your signfigant other doesnt care about you talkin to a ex he/she is def. cheating or just dosent care about your relationship to begin with and prior to us dating none of her other bf's did ...if anyone else could provide any advice it would be deeply appreciated...THANKS ONCE AGAIN!!!

[RogerWallace111]

Don't get me wrong - I wasn't making you out as weak for being a great boyfriend- but maybe you've gotta be that helluva boyfriend and show her you've got plenty else going for you ... I'll ****ing kiss the ground my lady walks on, and consider myself an amazingly caring boyfriend, but the moment I feel walked on, taken advantage of, or low priority I make it known it won't fly... Not in a some angry pimpish way, but in a somewhat mature, calm way. Minus those times drinking hehehe

[RogerWallace111]

And note that the first couple weeks after this last breakup, i started to feel like my dreams, badass career, and personal drive were worthless without her. Haaa. I questioned if I really had the strength I thought I did, and didn't for a spell. But it's been returning like I knew it would... I speak from a place relating to you in multiple ways

[GeeziG]

I got you! lol i'm pretty much the same way, but i do know when enough is enough. With that being said tho do you think it has a lot with the girls i date just simply not being mature as i am and wanting the samething? or having a case of the grass is greener on the other side...

[GeeziG]

lol you sound exactly like me...its only been a week and i feel so useless and my entire being is worthless she was my everything... like you said tho i know ill bounce back i always do!

[Sugarkane]

Sounds like she has a harem of exes sort of as her fallback (when things go wrong) and ego boost. She should've dropped them when you said it's a problem. I think you need someone like me who isn't friends with exes. How is she friends with all of them? I find this really odd. Ive always had a similar breakup and dont talk to exes, let alone create a harem of them.

[Sugarkane]

I can't blame you for feeling insecure. It didn't help that she played along with it. How bizarre to be friends with all exes?

[GeeziG]

Tell me about it, i use to think the samething and they would do the most!!! for instance one of them would call everytime we were on skype and say things like im on my way over there etc. like really? if he really knew the extent of our relationship he would not feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone and call you knowing you were supposedly in a serious relationship with someone else this happened not once but twice, and as insecure as i was i would still let her go and be around them in settings that i knew they would be...looking back on it now she would always tell me situations that her ex's put her in that she didnt like or feel uncomfortable about but during our relationship she would put me in the same situations as they did it was almost like she was them and i was her...

[Jono85]

Tell me about it, i use to think the samething and they would do the most!!! for instance one of them would call everytime we were on skype and say things like im on my way over there etc. like really? if he really knew the extent of our relationship he would not feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone and call you knowing you were supposedly in a serious relationship with someone else this happened not once but twice, and as insecure as i was i would still let her go and be around them in settings that i knew they would be...looking back on it now she would always tell me situations that her ex's put her in that she didnt like or feel uncomfortable about but during our relationship she would put me in the same situations as they did it was almost like she was them and i was her...

 

 

DUDE. i know you're broken right now, i am in a similar position. BUT STOP PURSUING THIS CHICK. to be blunt, she most likely cheated on you despite how sure you think you are that she would never. but even if she didn't, that type of behaviour is quite simply ridiculous. you need to readjust your bounderies. my gf hanging out with an ex, let alone TALKING TO THEM, is a big nono. show your next gf that you can leave in a heartbeat if she breaks your bounderies. with your ex, you made it okay for her to do that, even if your words suggested otherwise. your actions suggested you'd stay with her even though her ex would call her and say he's coming over to chill while you're long distance?? makes me boil just hearing that. please bud, you sound like a real quality dude, but you need to start putting YOURSELF over these chicks or they'll walk all over you. this girl probably used you for emotional support. she was so in love with you b/c you provided the emotional support that these douchbag exes didn't, but she still longs for those types of ******* guys.

 

trust me, there are better girls out there. maybe not as many of them at your age, but don't settle. learn from your mistakes.

[GeeziG]

I'm starting to realize that Jono, all i can picture is here somewhere smiling and laughing about the way she used and abused me now that we are broken up, but all i can do is learn and never make the same mistake again. ..looking back on our relationship now i realize she was never in it whole heartedly and she did like me simply because i was a lot more emotional than any other guy she had dated but when your in love you fall blind to things of that nature..its been a week of NC and im going strong...no plans of contacting her at all and if she happens to rech out to me she will get nothing ...if they day ever comes i will feel so much better! lol

[GeeziG]

Still seeking advice thanks guy and gals lol

[steveblack]

I agree with everything state above. I think you might be putting too much stress on what a relationship means to you (especially that early). Its not anything you are doing, (most likely)

[GeeziG]

So are you saying that I care too much too fast?

[morichu]

You sound like a good guy. You just need to respect yourself more. I think you need to change your mindset especially at this age. Look at it from this perspective:

 

You're living your life for you and nobody else. Work on building yourself up (whether it be job, fitness, doing different things, etc.) and start having this alpha persona that says "I'm gonna do what I want, when I want and if anybody wants to join me they can but I don't care if you don't."

 

The next time you want to approach a girl and talk to her, just think "She's 1 of billions out there, she's really not that important" because it really is true. It will take a lot of pressure off you and actually make it easier for you. Dude trust me, when you have this distant, carefree attitude to girls it actually makes them come crawling to you in a weird reverse psychology way.

 

To sum it all up, set your mindset to the tune that you have a badass lifestyle no matter what and whoever wants to come aboard they're welcome too but the ship will sail regardless.

 

Good luck!

[GeeziG]

Thanks bro great advice, with that being said do you think there is anyway to salvage what I had its been a week of NC I know it's Polly best to keep going but I saw a lot of potential in us

[Chi townD]

There's a big difference in being mature and being intense. I think you're being too intense with girls. Dude, you just need to tone it down and just enjoy a date as nothing more than a date. A night out to have a good time with a pretty girl. Not an audition for a future wife and the mother of your children.

 

Or, you just could be attracted to the wrong type.

[morichu]

do you think there is anyway to salvage what I had its

 

Is there a chance? Maybe

 

Should you try and salvage it? Definitely not

 

In my experience I say never try to get back with an ex unless you broke up over something silly. But the fact that you had to beg for her to not talk with her exes is no laughing matter. I would've dumped that girl even before then.

Once the trust has been broken there's no reason to go back, you're just gonna run into the same problems later. You'll feel lonely for a little while but you'll be much better off if you just move on.

[GeeziG]

i agree. ..after those situations came about it was like i was always wondering and questioning her motives.. preciate all the advice once again! I will def put the advice given in effect next go round.. and as for my ex now i feel as though i treated her too good for her not to realize and come around one day although she is very stubborn and selfish so who knows? it would make me feel a lot better tho lol

[morichu]

No problem.

 

And yeah she'll realize one day she let a good guy go, but at that point it won't even matter to you anymore;)

[RogerWallace111]

morichu speaks the truth