pinkyzhu Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Hi all, I have been following up this forum for a while, and I guess it does help while reading and sharing some thoughts with each other. Now I am here to seek your advice. My ex broke up with me 3 months ago. Our relationship was only about 10 months, but he is the first man I ever think of marrying, and the splitup came in a shock for me. We had many arguments and he thought it's broken for the best. Anyway the first two months after breakeup I could't eat and sleep, constantly at the verge of crying and making a lot mistakes at work..... I have been doing no contact for 7 weeks and tried very hard to heal... I still love him and hope he would call and come back. But now I think this hope is killing me. I am not putting my life on hold but always thinking why he doesn't call is driving me nuts. Tell me what do you think? pinkyzhu
StartingAgain Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 He's finished and right to be so. If the two of you were arguing alot, there should have been no thought of marriage. You don't marry someone you argue with. He's gone for good. What you are feeling is natural. I felt the same way when my wife left me for another guy, I kept fantasizing that the phone would ring and she'd be telling me what a tragic mistake she'd made. It is time to give up the hope he's going to call. This hope is false and it is preventing you from completing the mourning process. I've said this to several others, so I'll say it to you. A 10 month relationship is very short. You don't have as much of yourself invested here as you think. You'll get over him quickly once you decide to do so.
Author pinkyzhu Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 Startagain, thanks for your reply. I could not agree some of your thoughts though... My ex and I were the best friend of each other in the relationship. Sometimes the emotion inspired and feeling connected in a relationship couldn't always be measured by number of days they spent together. But I do agree that it's myself holding me back. No matter what I am thinking now has no impact on him or his decision anymore, it will only make me feel bitter or positive. So started from today, instead of thinking when he would come back, I kept telling myself that it's ended for good, and he's happy about that. I find it makes me better. I will stick to no contact, but sometimes I miss him so much, I just wish to see him again, even if he's now with someone else.
StartingAgain Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I know how you are feeling. Of course my comment about yours being only a 10 month long relationship doesn't wash with you now. Bit one day in the future, when you look back, you'll understand. Imagine living with your best friend for 13 years, sheeping with him every night, being joyful together and enduring the bad times, building a life together, realizing hopes and dreams and looking forward to realizing more, there is nothing about him good, bad, or indefferent that you don't know in your soul, not being able to imagine a future without that person. Imagine the investment of yourself into such a relationship; your identity really does become enmeshed with the other's. Then, suddenly it's over and all there is left to do is pick up the shattered pieces of your life and wonder who you'll ever be able to do to make sense of the loss -- 13 years of investment gone. I hope this never happens to you and that your current loss is the worst you'll ever suffer. But some of us have a different perspective adn cannot see the loss of a 10 month romance as too tragic. But I understant that it is tragic to you right now and that's really all that counts to you.
sally1530 Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I was in a 14 month relationship and had the wedding cancelled one month before we because I found him online cheating on me... I loved him with all my heart and we argued over the stripper and this online stuff so much that it killed our relationship and future. His sexual needs were selfish....and well now we are no longer together ,,,its been almost 3 months now and each day get better and better.... I know now it was the right decision to end things .... and move on...
Author pinkyzhu Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 It has come to the 8th week of absolute no contact, and I am still feeling miserable sometimes. I have been trying all sorts of stuff like keeping busy , dating or telling myself whenever think of him that it's been over for good ... I just worry I will continue like this. As he never calls me in 8 weeks, I guess he has moved on and wants me move on as well. I will try everything if I can forget him and stop feeling miserable. I may find a project to do. Sth that makes me feel really good if I will be able to score, like learning a new language or taking a qulification exam.... I don't know... Can you share how do you move on? pinkyzhu
sally1530 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Well its a daily struggle.... but each day try and limit how much time you think about him. You probably are only hanging on to the idea of him and you need to realize that things happen for a reason and that you may not know it now , new things are on the horizon. Its going to be hard... im in the same boat, but take it day by day and dont try and think to far into the future for now.... until things start to feel better. Wake up each day and try and say to yourself " what do I want today?" "what should I do to be happy?" be selfish ..... its your life... dont let him destroy your future.... by making you miserable.... dont give him that!! The best revenge is "Sucess" .....
Author pinkyzhu Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 Hi Sally, thanks for your encouragment. I will try this from planning and achieving little things everyday. I do this for myself , not for revenge. My ex didn't do anything really hateful except fell in out of love with me. We have very different culture backgrouds, and he feels that we are heading to different direction. He has everything I want on a bf , loving, caring, respectful and integrity, and he wanted to come back after broke up for 5 weeks. I told him it's not good enough unless he truely loved me. I would be so out of the relationship if the man I love is only feels guilty not love as much as I did. So he left again. Maybe the day will come that he regrets..., yet now I want to do everything to move on , stop feeling miserable , and appreciate life. pinkyzhu
EC Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Originally posted by StartingAgain He's finished and right to be so. If the two of you were arguing alot, there should have been no thought of marriage. You don't marry someone you argue with. I agree with you on somethings but that? What do you mean you don't marry someone you argue with. Sometimes thats the best part of a relationship. You learn from eachother, you find out how to fix your problems, you learn to listen and work together and not to mention the make up sex is the best!!!! I know this has nothing to do with the post but i just had to write it.
sally1530 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 we fought alot about the stripper and the wedding things.... nothing else.... and in the end he just is not ready to commit to a relationship or a marrige to anyone...if he does he is setting himself up to fail again... some people shouldnt marry...period.... he is one of those guys....
StartingAgain Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd Originally posted by StartingAgain He's finished and right to be so. If the two of you were arguing alot, there should have been no thought of marriage. You don't marry someone you argue with. I agree with you on somethings but that? What do you mean you don't marry someone you argue with. Sometimes thats the best part of a relationship. You learn from eachother, you find out how to fix your problems, you learn to listen and work together and not to mention the make up sex is the best!!!! I know this has nothing to do with the post but i just had to write it. That's exactly what I am saying. If you are in a relationship and you have an occasional disagreement, that's fine. But if you can't get along well enough before marriage that you cannot settle disagreements without arguing, there's something wrong and it will only get worse after marriage. So you don't even think about marriage until you can communicate better. Marriage is completely different than the bf/gf relationship. It's a hell of a lot harder. Unfortunately few single people believe it when married people tell them this, but they find out soon enough. All married couples argue from time to time. The problem is when they argue over stupid, pointless things or don't fight fairly. Fighting fairly is to make your position known, listen to your partners point of view and use this information to work out a compromise. You never fight to win; that can only damage the relationship. Makeup sex!! Are you kidding me? That idea lasts about six months into the marriage. After that, if you have a fight, sex is the last think on your mind. "Sometimes thats the best part of a relationship" I'm sorry, I'm not trying to insult you, but this is one of the most insane things I've ever read. If you are in a relationship where arguing is the best part of it, you are in an extremely sick relationship. I can't imagine anyone ever wanting that. You surely won't a few years down the connunial pike.
Author pinkyzhu Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 "we fought alot about the stripper and the wedding things.... nothing else.... and in the end he just is not ready to commit to a relationship or a marrige to anyone..." Sally, I am so sorry on what happened especially your ex had a cold feet on the last minute, and I would be mad if I were you. We ourself do change mind sometimes, and it also gives us a second chance to look at the relationship and ask what do we want out from life. This is just my opinion and hopefully would be of help. pinkyzhu
Author pinkyzhu Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 "Fighting fairly is to make your position known, listen to your partners point of view and use this information to work out a compromise. You never fight to win; that can only damage the relationship. " Startagain, I agree that too many arguments over genunie things is a sign of incompatible, and only love itself is not good enough to make a long term relationship. Sometimes I can be very aggressive. In this past relationship, I acted childish , needy and listened only to myself whenever disagreements arised.... I think that's partially resulted in his left. " never fight to win" sounds more of negotiation to me , and that's what I am realising now to communicate better. Thanks, pinkyzhu
StartingAgain Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 too many arguments over genunie things is a sign of incompatible Precisely, Pinkyzhu. I've been married twice, and basically they were good marriages, save a tragic flaw in each. My first wife and I didn't have our first argument until we'd been married nine years. My second wife was very competitive and liked to argue, though she wouldn't call what she did arguing. Even still we didn't have any serious disagreements for four years. Unfortunately, when the time came when compromise was the only solution, my ex showed that she didn't believe in compromise. Indeed, she said that to comprise is the same thing as loosing. Interesting..... She's now divorced and struggling on her own. She has her OM, but he doesn't support her; he just screws her. Talk about loosing. Contrast this with some good friends of ours, who, while dating, argued like cats and dogs on just about every subject. They said their relationship was just passionate. Well, they married and remained that way for about 2.5 years before they decided they couldn't stand one another.
teressa0397 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 i been haveing an affair for 9 years i love this man very much; he even told me he loved me it is all lies recently we broke up;i"am married he has been liveing with this women just about as long he has been with me; i try to break off with him but i keep going back i cant stop loveing him; i no if he loved me he would come and get me take me with him; my friend told me he uses women well i found out the real truth today i trick him i made up anE_mail address up i pretend i was another lady he ask her out well i got really mad and hurt i told him i was going to tell his girfriend at home every thing he cant lie out of it; give me advise do you all think i should call and tell her after all look how he done me he said he loved me there there was no one else; i broke it off my self i cant stand pain no more i want it to go away; but i love this man so much i would do any thing for him but it is over now; i want pain to go away; this man used me; i seen all the signs but too in live to break it off; please help me
teressa0397 Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 i been haveing an affair for 9 years i love this man very much; he even told me he loved me it is all lies recently we broke up;i"am married he has been liveing with this women just about as long he has been with me; i try to break off with him but i keep going back i cant stop loveing him; i no if he loved me he would come and get me take me with him; my friend told me he uses women well i found out the real truth today i trick him i made up anE_mail address up i pretend i was another lady he ask her out well i got really mad and hurt i told him i was going to tell his girfriend at home every thing he cant lie out of it; give me advise do you all think i should call and tell her after all look how he done me he said he loved me there there was no one else; i broke it off my self i cant stand pain no more i want it to go away; but i love this man so much i would do any thing for him but it is over now; i want pain to go away; this man used me; i seen all the signs but too in love to break it off; please help me
StartingAgain Posted July 12, 2004 Posted July 12, 2004 teressa0397, just focus on the fact that this swine used you and several other women as a cheap peice of ass and you'll get over loving him soon enough. There's no such thing as being too in love to not break it off. All you have to do is get some self respect and you can do it. End all contact immediately. Never speak with him again. Block him on email, phone, IM, etc. Get yourself some therapy if needed. Then get busy on healing the relationship with the husband you've been betraying for nine years.
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