lostsoulmate Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 So, I love my boyfriend very much. He is 37, I am 33. I have a 7 year old with another man whom I never married. My daughter loves my boyfriend and he her, very much! They are great together. So 4 months ago we decided we would move in together. I explained to him at that time that my custody order says I CAN NOT have a live-in boyfriend, it actually says I CAN NOT have a non male relative spend the night. He said OK. This last month we move in together. Last night we were talking and I brought up marriage. My daughter comes home from her summer visit with her dad in six weeks. He acted dumb-founded. I asked him again if he remembers when I told him we would "have" to get married (if we wanted to live together and not have a court battle fight with my ex). He said he remembered, I asked him if he didn't understand what I was saying (I don't know if he didn't want to think about it or what, but it is difficult to misunderstand what the court order says). He said he understood, but thought it would be ok just to live together. My heart hit the floor, I waited until he went to bed, then cried myself to sleep on the couch. Now what? Help!? I need to talk to him, but would like advice about what to say, how to approach this subject again. I feel yucky today...
SmileFace Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Start looking for a place so you can have somewhere to take your daughter. How long have you been together? 1
anne1707 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 It's poor communication now but it was also poor communication 4 months ago. Just as he should have put 2 and 2 together to realise that just living together was a problem, you did not make it clear what you saw as the solution. I really do not understand how that conversation could be seen as an agreement to get married based on what you have posted. You need to step back from the situation and think about what you want for yourself and your daughter. You then need to talk to your bf calmly and clearly - you both need to do this. You need to really listen to each other and see if you actually are on the same wavelength.
FitChick Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I feel sorry for the daughter. People with kids should only date outside of the home and not expose their kids to these strangers until such time as they are engaged to be married. It's not just the risk of pedophilia, but kids having lost one parent and one home, only to lose another substitute parent and home when things don't work out. What does it teach the kid? That maybe he or she will be easily discarded one day? That if you love someone they will always leave you? That people can't be trusted? If you want to live with this man, then give your ex primary custody and allow your daughter to visit. Otherwise, live with your daughter elsewhere. 4
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) It's unfortunate but it seems the communication wasn't on par for the circumstance...he more of heard than listened, and it doesn't seem like you two have been in a very long-term relationship before hand...was this rushed? It's got that "less than six months...its ok because we love each other" vibe going for it. This was something you really needed to sit down and talk with him about, maybe even put it in writing so that he full well knew what he was getting into...because now he can just pretty much try and sweep it under the rug like..."oh...well...I heard you, I just didn't think it would happen this quick and all...I thought we'd have more time and live longer together first...yadda yadda yadda" At this point...what can you really say now after the fact? he's already sort of back-pedaled and clearly seems to think this is going to fast for his liking...It's very hurtful and disappointing that he didn't seem to take this more seriously and as seriously as you. Now you've got the dynamic of having this man attached to your daughter, I'm sure it will also be confusing for her If the relationship ends, It's just a messed up situation. Sit down and have a serious talk with him and ask him where he stands and what he wants. You're not trying to force him into a situation and he seems to have been "surprised" and caught off guard with your friendly reminder...so did he have a change of heart or did it just put a little fire under his @ss but he's still willing to go through with this? You love him very much so you're going to give him a chance, not sure that kind of a comment is forgivable realistic, it was a low-blow and total wtf moment...especially since he understands the magnitude of this situation...just can't comprehend how this man wasn't able to realize that...makes me think he was just caught up in the ride but now It's come to pay the bill he might be thinking of skimping on the fare. Imo, you gotta dump this guy...he may not be the man you thought he was....anything he says is just not going to change how he really feels. Edited July 7, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
veggirl Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Wow. So if you are NOT ALLOWED to have a live in boyfriend, why again did you let your BOYFRIEND move in? Even if you were engaged, you're still not married! But you weren't even engaged! I know you don't need to be told how foolish and what were you thinking but geez! Come on. What you need to do is kick him out or move out. It is THAT cut and dry. How long have you been dating him? Anyway as far as "what to say"-- you say "I am not allowed to have a live in boyfriend. You knew that when you moved in. We can not live together, you need to move out." Done. It is what it is. He has to go. You made a terrible decision letting your boyfriend move in when you are not allowed to have a live in boyfriend. So he needs to move out. Or you do. 3
Balzac Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 The court does not seek you out, your daughter's father would be the problem. He must know that you are in a relationship, your child is old enough to reveal your situation. Apparently your real fear is biological father. Does he truly want sole physical custody?
CandyGirlXO Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 There is a reason why courts have such orders in place. The judge does not like it when mom exposes the kid to strange men. Normal men are not attracted to their biological female daughters because they watched them grow since birth. This causes a blockade to any sexual attraction even when the daughter is 16 years old with a great figure. A mom with young daughters should never exposed the daughter to strange men. Imagine they stay together and the girl is now 15 with a great figure. A decent normal man will repress the animal instincts, but a not so normal man will lust after the young girl and that is disgusting! The OP should be reported to CPS right away for violating the court order. Furthermore, OP is a manipulator that misled her BF. Interesting belief! Sounds great, but sooooo not true. I work in the court system, and you would be amazed of how many BIOLOGICAL fathers AND even grandfathers sexually abuse their own daughter\granddaughter. Most court orders in domestic relations do not have that in there.
irin Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 hold on if you are not allowed to live a with a man is the father allowed to live with a woman?
yongyong Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 So the marriage is not based on 'we love each other' but because you have a daughter and for him to live with you, he has to be married to you? You thought you explained well enough to him. you thought he would understand. do you realize how selfish you are? They say 'don't date single moms because their kids are the priority' Obviously, he comes 2nd in your relationship.
veggirl Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 hold on if you are not allowed to live a with a man is the father allowed to live with a woman? That's irrelevant. She needs to deal with the situation at hand, the terms of the agreement SHE agreed to say she is not to have a live in boyfriend. It doesn't matter what the ex is allowed to do right now. She needs to get her boyfriend out and re-think her priorities (evident by the fact that she allowed him to move in with no marriage...)
Author lostsoulmate Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 So all the weirdness was because he was getting ready to propose and he proposed and I said yes.!! Congrats to us!! Thank you to all who posted, good or bad. Everyone has the right to opinions. 1
irin Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 That's irrelevant. She needs to deal with the situation at hand, the terms of the agreement SHE agreed to say she is not to have a live in boyfriend. It doesn't matter what the ex is allowed to do right now. She needs to get her boyfriend out and re-think her priorities (evident by the fact that she allowed him to move in with no marriage...) yes it was a off-topic question, but i was actually amazed at it, and simply wanted to know more. op, congrats. how can a court really make such demands on your personal life like that?
FitChick Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 how can a court really make such demands on your personal life like that? When it comes to children, the courts have more rights than the parents. So think twice before you have kids.
wow04 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 how can a court really make such demands on your personal life like that? I have never heard of the courts making the demand unless it was agreed to by both parents.
Art_Critic Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 What you need to do is kick him out or move out. It is THAT cut and dry. I agree.. there is nothing to this but what is right for the child and of course the fact is a judges order that is also looking out for the welfare of the child. is in place and isn't being followed. Having been in the OP's Bf's shoes before ( in a previous life) I can tell you that I was married before I moved in with my first wife ( she had a 4 year old daughter..)
Art_Critic Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 So all the weirdness was because he was getting ready to propose and he proposed and I said yes.!! Congrats to us!! Thank you to all who posted, good or bad. Everyone has the right to opinions. Well.. there ya go.. Congrats LSM...and many wishes to your new family One thing though.. the DATE of the wedding should be set and should not be far in the future.. a judges order would still be being in contempt until the wedding happens...
Nicomis Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 So all the weirdness was because he was getting ready to propose and he proposed and I said yes.!! Congrats to us!! Thank you to all who posted, good or bad. Everyone has the right to opinions. That's awesome! I have a 7 year old daughter, and when my last serious GF broke up she took it worse than me. She still asks about her 2 years later, so I don't bring any woman home when she's here, and none of them will meet her till I'm sure they are "the one". Good that yours won't have to go through that.
Author lostsoulmate Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 I have never heard of the courts making the demand unless it was agreed to by both parents. This part of our custody order was actually a photocopied piece of paper I was told is attached to every custody order that comes from that county. I have also been told it is/was illegal to add general guidelines to all custody orders. I have the option to appeal, but don't have the $17,000 it would cost...
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