haremmac Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 After recently discovering details of my wifes ea going pa (thread EA 6 years ago) I have been having some crazy emotions and thoughts. I have been talking with her but she tends to blame shift. At that point I just end the conversation. So after our last conversation she began to blame shift and I became extremely pissed. The thing is that I am not very articulate and sometimes have trouble finding the right words to explain my emotions. It gets intimidating because she is very smart and know exactly how to manipulate the conversation. At this time we have not been able to talk because I think she is waiting for me to initiate it. I can tell she is getting mad at me but I really feel like I have nothing to say if she is going to turn manipulate the conversation. It really frustrating that she is mad at me when she is the one who cheated. Anyone have a similar experience? How did you handle these situations? I did get some great feedback from other members and really appreciate this site. Thanks in advance.
eeyore1981 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 After recently discovering details of my wifes ea going pa (thread EA 6 years ago) I have been having some crazy emotions and thoughts. I have been talking with her but she tends to blame shift. At that point I just end the conversation. So after our last conversation she began to blame shift and I became extremely pissed. The thing is that I am not very articulate and sometimes have trouble finding the right words to explain my emotions. It gets intimidating because she is very smart and know exactly how to manipulate the conversation. At this time we have not been able to talk because I think she is waiting for me to initiate it. I can tell she is getting mad at me but I really feel like I have nothing to say if she is going to turn manipulate the conversation. It really frustrating that she is mad at me when she is the one who cheated. Anyone have a similar experience? How did you handle these situations? I did get some great feedback from other members and really appreciate this site. Thanks in advance. Maybe try discussing this in another medium other than talking, like email or passing notes. It's a lot harder for a person like this to manipulate the conversation when everything is written down and can be gone back to. This also gives you the chance to take some time to think before you respond, to keep the discussion on track. I feel for you, people like this just seem to go out of their way to make a bad situation worse. 1
SomedayDig Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I can honestly say that even though my wife didn't have the hostility yours seems to, one thing that really helped was that we created a "journal". Basically, since we both use gmail, there's a function in there where you can share a document. We started the journal to help her answer questions I had about her affair. As she said, it really helped her because even though she wanted to answer my questions, she often felt overwhelmed and "put on the spot". This gave her the chance to actually think about what happened and express it without feeling any sort of hard pressure...like me staring at her...which I did a lot.
drifter777 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Maybe try discussing this in another medium other than talking, like email or passing notes. It's a lot harder for a person like this to manipulate the conversation when everything is written down and can be gone back to. This also gives you the chance to take some time to think before you respond, to keep the discussion on track. I feel for you, people like this just seem to go out of their way to make a bad situation worse. This is an excellent suggestion for the reasons stated. OP: There are ways to make sure your cheating spouse gets the message that they are to blame for this mess and you are not going to take her insulting behavior. One way you can accomplish this is for you to pack some things and go stay with a friend or in a hotel for a week or two. Take some time to consider whether you want to spend your life with a cheating, manipulating women who refuses to take full responsibility for screwing some other guy. You will likely come to the conclusion that unless she is truly remorseful and is willing to work hard to repair the damage she has done, your marriage is over. It takes courage to put your own recovery and mental health first, but you need to do it. This is the kind of thing that can impact your life for many years so do something to help yourself. 4
GLDheart Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 You can answer that you are happy to address her issues one at a time but she needs to stay on the subject of the affair first. If she changes the subject, tell her that is unacceptable. 1
Owl Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I've got to agree with Drifter. If she refuses to carry on an articulate, calm discussion with you on the subject...and if by doing so, is avoiding directly addressing the issue...then another way needs to be found, or reconciliation simply will not be possible. Sounds to me like you need to use actions, not words, to demonstrate the severity of the situation.
nofool4u Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 She has no business being mad at you. This shows she is unrepentant and not remorseful. Sorry, but I don't see much you can do with your wife except go to marriage counseling (as long as you don't have to sit and listen to a bunch of crap about how you need to bend over backwards to please a cheating wife). If a woman cheated on me and had the nerve to get angry with me, I'd be telling her to pack her bags. I'd be telling her that anyway, but on the off chance that I did try to give her a 2nd chance and she pulled this crap, she'd be history. You are trying to give her a 2nd chance and she is getting mad? I wouldn't have any of that if I were you. I'd tell her either you go to counseling or she can leave the house. It really frustrating that she is mad at me when she is the one who cheated. Exactly. Her getting mad at you is like a snake getting mad at the mouse that is sliding down its throat. 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I think that this is common behavior from the WS. MY IC counselor told me to respond this way: "This discussion is about you and your affair. If you want to talk about another area of our marriage or my short-comings, then we can discuss that in a separate conversation. But for right now, this is about you." BTW - Just last week I was having a conversation related to the affair with my wife (recent thoughts, triggers, and struggles, etc) and as I expected she eventually responded with the "you're not perfect either" type of response. So I know where you are coming from. 1
DuckSoup Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) After recently discovering details of my wifes ea going pa (thread EA 6 years ago) I have been having some crazy emotions and thoughts. I have been talking with her but she tends to blame shift. At that point I just end the conversation. So after our last conversation she began to blame shift and I became extremely pissed. The thing is that I am not very articulate and sometimes have trouble finding the right words to explain my emotions. It gets intimidating because she is very smart and know exactly how to manipulate the conversation. At this time we have not been able to talk because I think she is waiting for me to initiate it. I can tell she is getting mad at me but I really feel like I have nothing to say if she is going to turn manipulate the conversation. It really frustrating that she is mad at me when she is the one who cheated. Anyone have a similar experience? How did you handle these situations? I did get some great feedback from other members and really appreciate this site. Thanks in advance. Let me help you out with some handy words buddy: "Honey, the simple fact is that when we got married, I didn't sign up for a lifelong committment to a lying, cheating wh8re. Regardless of the problems you saw in our marriage, making your orifices available to other men to dump their seed in is beyond my acceptable boundaries. Now you just go right ahead and have your little temper tantrum and blame me all you want, that's not going to change my opinion of the situation, or of you." Then let her rant away because after saying this it doesn't really make any difference what she says, does it? She left the marriage already when she decided to cheat, didn't she? You can't reconcile unless SHE wants to reconcile. It doesn't sound like she's very interested. So go ahead and print out that little speech I gave you on an index card, keep it in your pocket, and whenever she starts crapping on you again, you just pull that little card out and repeat the speech. Sooner or later she'll either get sick of it and go away of her own accord, or it'll start to penetrate. You just need to have a little patience. Edited July 6, 2012 by DuckSoup
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Until she shows you genuine remorse and owns her choices, stops putting this all on you things are the way they are. You can't force someone to work it out if they aren't willing to admit their mistakes, own their choices and shows anger because they don't like what's being discussed. That's just going to make you crazy (aka she is gaslighting you to deflect it all away from her) and make you feel worse. Back off completely and let her come to you. Go on with life.. Get busy, focus on your kids, hobbies, friends, family. Stop making the effort to sit and talk it out with her.. She will feel the distance and IF SHE IS SMART, she'll bend and realize on her own the way she is handling this now is so wrong and nothing ever will be fixed/solved. 1
GLDheart Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Her side stepping the issue of her infidelity by creating an unrelated argument is as inappropriate as you... ... side stepping a seperate and unrelated argument by pulling out the "but your a cheating whore" trump card. 1
Jonah Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I have been having some crazy emotions and thoughts. The thing is that I am not very articulate and sometimes have trouble finding the right words to explain my emotions. It gets intimidating because she is very smart and know exactly how to manipulate the conversation. I think you should write it all down. Actually type it into a word processor. All of it. Then sort it all out to where it makes sense. This will help you remember the small things that may be part of the root. You may sort some things out yourself, then decide... these are the things that I really want to know / talk about. When you do talk to her, Let her know that you do need her help. And instead of asking "why", say "please help me understand." Keep her on topic... Don't you get off topic. One topic at a time until it is resolved. When you perceive that the conversation is out of control, just end it and let her know that you and her will come back to it. Set a time and date that you want to talk. Have a goal... Like, "I want to feel better". That is a worthy goal.
Author haremmac Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Great advice. Thanks guys. I have been giving her the silent treatment (like one if the responses advises) and will wait until she comes to me. That may be a while as I think she is purposefully scheduling very full days which keeps her busy until 10-11pm everynight. I am passed out in bed by then. Oh well, my kids keep me happy enough to wait it out for a while. What a ****ed up life I am living right now. Who ever thinks this would happen to them? Not in a million years did I think this was a possiblity with my wife and I. What a waste of time. Thank god I don't like to drink. Sorry had to vent a bit.
GLDheart Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 ...I have been giving her the silent treatment... ...What a ****ed up life I am living right now... I cringe a bit when I hear the use of the silent treatment. It just strikes me as so unhealthy. It's good up to a point though, I guess. Just be ready to talk when she addresses you. Like when she says "good morning", be ready with: "we still have important talking to do you know". That should keep her accountable to the discussion that needs to be had. She needs to know it will not go away on its on.
AbeNormal Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) Only had a quick read of things here, so please forgive me if I missed something. But it seems to me that your wife might be engaging in some (rather unhealthy) defense mechanisms. Could be "pride - mixed with insecurity" of some sort (i.e. perhaps she is being honest now but just doesn't know how to "put her self out there and be vulnerable to you"). But more common/likely (but not necessarily so!) is that the truth of what happened is much deeper than you know - and her shame leads her to protect against exposing that truth by means of deflection, projection, etc. ... (these would be the unhealthy defense mechanisms - if they pertain). In the latter case, you will most likely not get the truth from her unless she thinks (or worries) that you can get it fom another source. Edited July 7, 2012 by AbeNormal
Author haremmac Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Abe you hit the nail on the head. What you said about not telling me the truth unless she knows I can get it elsewhere is exactly my thoughts. This is why I have been contemplating calling the OM. I know this freaked her out when I said this so I am just waiting until she has something to say to me regarding her cheating. I am not interested in talking with her about anything else.
scatterd Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 She is trying to avoid the subject and is making you the villain. Tell her that you both need to talk about the cheating before hand and calmly if she cant. I would suggest having a counselor help.
Owl Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 If you're seriously considering reconciliation...then INSIST on marriage counseling at this point. Find a counselor who can create a neutral, "safe zone" for both of you to communicate in, while you try to rebuild that abililty to communicate safely between the two of you. My wife and I also followed our MC's advice, and set specific times to discuss the affair/our marriage. We kept a journal outlining what was discussed, and identified where we left off at our last session. And no discussion on the subject was allowed OUTSIDE of those times. It let us rebuild while still addressing the issue. Just some thoughts...if she refuses...you've got your answers.
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