Trouble reading women + Being aggressive

[tenspoons]

I can trace a lot of my problems back to the fact that I can't tell if a girl likes me or not. Or HOW she likes me. Thinking about that I know is a wrong thing to do because I need to be worrying about developing the relationship instead. regardless if I know she likes me or not, but the thoughts just pop in there uncontrollably.

 

For instance I find myself attracted to a woman, spend time with her, think everything is going swell, and find out later I was in the friendzone the whole time. I've gotten out of that habit quickly though.

 

Another instance is how I'm starting a relationship currently, which I know I am not in the friend zone at all, but I still have a hard time reading the level of fondness she has for me. even after 4 dates... It's no different than only being able to see the color black your entire life, and be asked to point out a white object. I see no contrast between a friend and a potential romantic partner (other than the way I talk to her, otherwise it feels the same emotionally). Although I know what girls I like and don't like, and which ones I want to date.

 

I mean I can pick up on the obvious ones, like hair flipping, laughing at every stupid joke I make, going out with me, touching, and getting close. I can read the nonverbal communication perfectly, its the acting on it that confuses me. HOW do I act on it? It's also the verbal stuff. like I get positive, flirty nonverbal signals, but she will talk to me casually like a you would a friend/buddy.

 

I guess for some reason I am led to believe the affection I am receiving is a lie of some sort, so it kills my mojo a little. I hate being insecure like this, even though it is not affecting my relationships directly, its just a lot of unneeded stress I bottle up. I guess it also keeps me from making moves because I am too stressed out about how she will react; goodly or badly. I dislike the mystery.

 

Like I KNOW she will not reject me, and I GET the signs clearly. They just don't want to click in my head right, so I proceed with caution all the time. I end up missing opportunities, or respond to flirting incorrectly (acting on things straight forward instead of suggestive even though I know what she means suggestively).

 

What I need is for someone to reassure me about what I am suppose to do, even if that means being brutally honest. I would much rather be told I have a vagina, than be told I have no balls. A little more helpful info along with the truth is also required though Like I need someone to tell me that I should act on things suggestively all/most of the time, regardless if they are suggestive or not (if that is the right thing to do of course)

 

That aside, you can overlook my other threads and piece together stuff, but I can assure you a lot of that is the result of not being aggressive enough as people have tried telling me before. It gets me insecure about myself in relationships, and mixed signals from women. I cannot read them correctly.

 

Perhaps I'm sending mixed signals as well, which gives me a mirrored affect with women. Something to think about.

Edited July 6, 2012 by tenspoons

[OrangeSnack]

YOu and I have the same problem. We are nice and charming people. But sometimes we get stuck in the friendzone.

 

I think the only way to fix it is being direct and up front. Of course I don't mean to go in front of every girl you meet and say hey I want to date you etc etc. What I suggest is being up front after you've known her for a few days/weeks or have gone out on a date or two. I think this pretty much will give you a clear view of where you stand.

 

I could be wrong, and I would like to hear from some LSers as to why they think being direct can be a negative thing.

[Koda1969]

I honestly do not think that being direct is a negative thing. In fact, I believe it is admirable. While I'm not one to spout cheesy prose, I heard a quote some 30 years ago that said "courage is jumping off a cliff and building your wings on the way down".

 

As a woman who spent nearly 30 years of life being meek and avoiding conflict and being everyone's Switzerland, I got nowhere. That isn't to say that being a gentleman or a good guy isn't appreciated. But, what you need to seek, is the women who really are "ready" for that kind of honesty and a good guy. Not every woman is, as you probably sadly know.

 

But, be true to yourself. If you want something, go for it. With women, if you like a woman, don't wait. Try kissing her at the end of the date. If she doesn't respond, move on. Again, I say this as a woman. I'm just as nervous as you, so if you make a move and tell me outright "hey I like you" I will respond, even if it's to be honest and say I don't like you in that way. Although, I'm not the type of woman to go out with someone I don't have a common level of interest in either.

 

People, I think, for the most part appreciate honesty and directness. Those that don't like it, aren't necessarily people you want to get to know because ultimately, you want to find someone you can be yourself with completely.

 

Just believe in yourself, trust me, it goes a long way. I spent so many wasted years thinking stupid superficial things were what defined me as a proper partner. Now, when I go on dates (well before the current BF) I wear jeans and a t-shirt and my best accessory? A huge smile on my face. If a man responds to me being completely comfortable, natural and laughing, it's all good from there!

 

And don't lose hope. I'm 43, and still searching. It's not easy, but keep taking steps, stay true to yourself, and go after what you want!

[carhill]

If she finds you attractive, there's very little you can do wrong. If something is lacking, oh I so don't want to be you

 

Reading is easy. Anything other than yes is no.

[GLDheart]

One possible answer to this is easy. Simply Don't worry about being aggressive. Aggressiveness may work for someone else.... But DON'T be someone else. Relax enjoy the date, and take it for what it is. Girls now a days can be aggressive enough for the two of you ;-)

[USMCHokie]

Reading is easy. Anything other than yes is no.

 

I strongly agree with binary theory here...

 

She'll either bang you or she won't. No need to go beyond that...

[Koda1969]

If she finds you attractive, there's very little you can do wrong. If something is lacking, oh I so don't want to be you

 

Reading is easy. Anything other than yes is no.

 

I second that! Well said!

[january2011]

In my experience:

 

If a woman is willing to spend time alone with you, hen she likes you. Especially if she initiates the time spent together and it's for a signficant period of time.

 

If she lets you kiss her (on the mouth) for more than a quick peck, then she probably likes you as more than just a friend.

 

If she doesn't shy away from your touch (especially on certain areas of the body), it's further evidence that she likes you more than as a friend.

 

If she initiates the touching, then she likes you more than as a friend.

 

If she tells you that she likes you more than as a friend. She likes you more than as a friend.

 

Be direct, open and honest. I suggest telling "her" that you are developing feelings for her and then ask her what she thinks/feels about that.

[tenspoons]

Reading is easy. Anything other than yes is no.

 

What do you mean exactly? I don't know what a yes looks like. That's the hard part for me. So everything is a no in my eyes, unless I see a yes, but idk what they look like. I'd like examples please.

 

An example for me would be when I was watching a movie with my date at my house once. We were in my basement on a couch, and I sat one cushion away from her. Sometime during the middle of the movie, she turns to me and says "I'm freezing". I turned and smiled at her, and she smiled back with a huge cheesy grin, and giggled a little. she was kinda giving me nodding a signal to get closer by shaking her head around, but I couldn't tell. It was truthfully cold down there though, so after starting at each other for about 8 seconds with cheesy smiles, I turned back to the TV, watched for another 3 seconds, and said "hang on I might have something". I get up and get her a blanket. I did get close to her, like shoulder to shoulder, but that was it. enough to play footsie, and feel her breath on my face when she whispered to me. And after the movie was over, I turned the lights on and her face and chest were flush red. during the movie I could hear her breathing one cushion away before I got closer.

 

That anecdote is OBVIOUSLY a good sign that she wants more, but I can't be sure because I tend to hold back on acting on things because I have an overactive imagination that makes me read into things way too much.

 

http://p.bfram.es/the-signal-some-people-just-don-t-get-it.jpg

 

^^^^^

story of my life

Edited July 6, 2012 by tenspoons

[Koda1969]

What do you mean exactly? I don't know what a yes looks like. That's the hard part for me. So everything is a no in my eyes, unless I see a yes, but idk what they look like. I'd like examples please.

 

An example for me would be when I was watching a movie with my date at my house once. We were in my basement on a couch, and I sat one cushion away from her. Sometime during the middle of the movie, she turns to me and says "I'm freezing". I turned and smiled at her, and she smiled back with a huge cheesy grin, and giggled a little. she was kinda giving me nodding a signal to get closer by shaking her head around, but I couldn't tell. It was truthfully cold down there though, so after starting at each other for about 8 seconds with cheesy smiles, I turned back to the TV, watched for another 3 seconds, and said "hang on I might have something". I get up and get her a blanket. I did get close to her, like shoulder to shoulder, but that was it. enough to play footsie, and feel her breath on my face when she whispered to me. And after the movie was over, I turned the lights on and her face and chest were flush red. during the movie I could hear her breathing one cushion away before I got closer.

 

That anecdote is OBVIOUSLY a good sign that she wants more, but I can't be sure because I tend to hold back on acting on things because I have an overactive imagination that makes me read into things way too much.

 

http://p.bfram.es/the-signal-some-people-just-don-t-get-it.jpg

 

^^^^^

story of my life

 

Nothing wrong with an overactive imagination, use that and humor to move forward. On our first date, we were ordering dinner (after having already spent five hours together) and he asked the waitress if a certain dish had a lot of garlic in it, then he joked sheepishly and said "I'm aiming for a goodnight kiss, so I wouldn't want to ruin my chances".

 

Plus, my two cents, if she is at your house watching a movie on your couch, there is a good chance she likes you. I know I wouldn't be on a guy's couch watching a movie if I didn't like him! I know you said YOU can't be sure, but what's the harm in trying to give her a quick kiss and see if she responds. If she pulls back, well, there's your answer. At least then, you will know.

[carhill]

What do you mean exactly? I don't know what a yes looks like. That's the hard part for me. So everything is a no in my eyes, unless I see a yes, but idk what they look like. I'd like examples please.

 

Sure....

 

Ask her on a date, she says yes.

 

Share a funny story or anecdote and she laughs and makes hard eye contact.

 

Kiss her and she doesn't pull away

 

Caress her neck and she makes little moaning noises

 

Shall I go on?

 

If you're in a private space (like the basement) watching a movie, the last two are no-brainers. Sex, or even petting, doesn't have to occur, but physical affection is perfectly normal and even expected if 'yes' is her setpoint. If 'no' was her setpoint, that dynamic would be very unlikely to occur.

 

As some cheesy old fart can be heard in the background saying, 'Just kiss her already!'

[Koda1969]

As some cheesy old fart can be heard in the background saying, 'Just kiss her already!'

 

I'm not THAT old! But, was thinking the same thing!

[tenspoons]

As some cheesy old fart can be heard in the background saying, 'Just kiss her already!'

 

Haha, that's exactly who I need creeping at my window. Just a little encouragement, someone to egg me on.

 

That would actually be super hilarious. I'm putting that in a movie or tv show someday