Boyfriend has mostly female friends

[Koda1969]

Hi Everyone,

Hoping to get some guidance on a weird issue I am experiencing. I met someone online a few months ago. We hit it off great, and have been dating ever since. A few weeks ago, we agreed to be exclusive, so again, all is good. We are the same age (43) and are very similar in that we enjoy being mature (in our jobs) but also indulging in having fun, etc. (neither of us have children). So, we are a great match.

But...there is something that is nagging at me. I am coming to realize that my boyfriend has mostly ALL female friends. Granted, I have male friends, so I understand and don't have an issue. But, in meeting more of these friends, I'm seeing a bit of a pattern that worries me: These women are all VERY aggressive (almost manly) type women. They are very outspoken, very loud, very inappropriate in public settings (cursing, being vulgar, etc.). Plus, all of these women are much younger. Some are in the their mid 20's some in their 30's. None are our age.

At first, I thought, play it cool. As our relationship grows, things may change.

The problem is, these women are actually making it hard for our relationship to progress forward. One, for instance, says she is straight but "dates lesbians" (her words, not mine). She is very obese, very loud and just overbearing. When I met her for the first time, it was at a party for a friend of his. At one point, she tells me that she is moving into my boyfriend's place in November! I was shocked! When I asked him about it, he said her lease was up, and he agreed to let her move in. I finally decided to tell him that I was not a college kid, and if she was moving in, I was not comfortable with that, nor being around her. He said he understood and said "she has issues". He swore he would tell her she couldn't move in. Well, another good friend agreed (and she's known the friend as long as he has) and she said she would be at the party with him where they would both talk to her and tell her she couldn't move in. The next morning, he told me the other friend took him aside and said "don't say anything..she lost her car keys, was running late all day and has had a bad day." So...he didn't tell her, and still hasn't told her. Oh, and to add to the humor of this. This past weekend with the storm that hit us, many lost power. I was at my boyfriend's place (like I am every weekend). We didn't lose power, but lost cell coverage. He updated his FB so everybody knew we were ok. He goes out to get us lunch..I'm in nothing but a robe, and SHE walks into the house! (she has a key) supposedly under the guise of checking on us!

Now, the other female friend (who supposedly agreed the one friend needed to be put at a distance) I met her on the 4th. She hugged me, said it was nice to meet me, then proceeded to spend the entire time talking to my boyfriend about "inside things" I knew nothing about (their friends, places, etc.) she also told me that the other friend "has issues" but that I need to understand that their friendships are over a decade old (ironically, she did this out of earshot of my boyfriend).

Another friend is an ex. As he puts it, they got along great and he loved her..but they just stopped "dating" and being in relationship (ummm..ok). He actually asked me to join him in helping her move!! She called him and said "I'd love to meet her..and she can help move some of the smaller stuff." I looked at him point blank and said "I will not meet any of your ex's and I will most definitely NOT help somebody move!"

He has been single for a decade, so I'm trying to cut him some slack, but I'm seeing a pattern in all these overbearing women he is friends with, and I'm not so sure this is going to work out. I have both male and female friends, but my friendships have boundaries because of work and other responsibilities. So, I'm not used to friends that are just "always there". Any insight would be greatly appreciated!!!

[carhill]

Cool guy. He's got a harem. I was commenting on this in another thread. I'll bet he's rarely single for long.

 

It was opined in the other thread that good people (catches) are rarely single long. I opined that 'good' is often in the eye of the beholder and one's attraction is a large determiner of perception of aspects of 'good'.

 

A past love interest (unhealthy one) of mine has a boyfriend like this guy. He 'collects' people. They're a good match because she does too. Apparently, your boundaries are different.

 

IMO, if you're constantly on boundary patrol, it's better to let him smash into a concrete wall and self-terminate.

 

Welcome to LS

[Oxy Moronovich]

I once had a chick who thought I had too many female friends. I switched around the classic female line in my favor: "I have female friends because males are catty." She didn't like that but my buddies had a good laugh over it.

 

In any case, I think the OP wouldn't be dating the dude if he didn't have so many female friends. Women get the moistest when they compete with other women over a dude with a lot of chicks after him.

[Koda1969]

Cool guy. He's got a harem. I was commenting on this in another thread. I'll bet he's rarely single for long.

 

It was opined in the other thread that good people (catches) are rarely single long. I opined that 'good' is often in the eye of the beholder and one's attraction is a large determiner of perception of aspects of 'good'.

 

A past love interest (unhealthy one) of mine has a boyfriend like this guy. He 'collects' people. They're a good match because she does too. Apparently, your boundaries are different.

 

IMO, if you're constantly on boundary patrol, it's better to let him smash into a concrete wall and self-terminate.

 

Welcome to LS

 

Thank you for the welcome, and the honesty! I actually teased him the other day that he has a harem and he got a little touchy saying "that's not true!" Ironically, he has been single for a decade (since his divorce). He's only had a handful of dates, a few relationships that lasted maybe a month or two, but nothing serious. I'm the first woman since the ex-wife to meet his family or his friends. In truth, I think these "friends" are the ones who are preventing him from moving forward, because so far, what I'm seeing is that when he does start to back off (like now) they suddenly "need" him. I even told him point blank that he has settled quite comfortably into the role of the "backup boyfriend".

He swears that he wants to change, and that he wants me in his life, so I'm willing to give him a chance, but only so much. At my age, I did all the work on myself, so I bring to the relationship a strong sense of self, a successful career, and minimal emotional baggage (I fully admit that I did take a hard look at my own faults, and worked very hard to fix them). Plus, I have the benefit of not having ex's in my life, and no drama in relation to others. So, I guess I want the same. I thought I'd found it in him since his attachments were equally minimal...now I'm seeing that may not be the case

[Koda1969]

I once had a chick who thought I had too many female friends. I switched around the classic female line in my favor: "I have female friends because males are catty." She didn't like that but my buddies had a good laugh over it.

 

In any case, I think the OP wouldn't be dating the dude if he didn't have so many female friends. Women get the moistest when they compete with other women over a dude with a lot of chicks after him.

 

Actually, I had no clue that 99% of his friends were female. He didn't tell me that in the beginning. Plus, I'm not one of those females. I don't date men who have girlfriends, wives, none of that. I respect boundaries, and always have. Plus, I don't like competition, never have. Again, I'm not typical, but I'm also 43 years old, with no designs on marriage or kids, so I am very non-typical for my sex and age.

 

To put the shoe on the other foot, I asked him point blank how he'd feel if my male friends did/said some of the things his friends did..and he said "I wouldn't like it one bit".

[carhill]

Give it a bit of time and the truth will come out. A few months is short time and you've seen a lot of canaries already.

 

Question: Is his exW around? I'll bet a talk with her would be an eye-opener.

 

After a few months, you should have already met his best male friend. How did that go?

[Koda1969]

Give it a bit of time and the truth will come out. A few months is short time and you've seen a lot of canaries already.

 

Question: Is his exW around? I'll bet a talk with her would be an eye-opener.

 

After a few months, you should have already met his best male friend. How did that go?

 

Well, the ex is out of the picture and here's why. As he puts it, "she came home pregnant and I kicked her out." Yes, it illicits a gasp from most. But, turns out, he cannot have children, so obviously, she was cheating on him. That was a decade ago. The ex was purged (pictures, etc.) The ex I know about now is the one who is a great friend (who wanted me to help move)..and she was just a girlfriend who went on to get married and have children.

 

As for the best male friend, there's the kicker. I have yet to meet one. On FB he has male friends, many live out of state or are former military buddies. Just to give an example, he's into collectibles (as am I) so last week I found an action figure he really wanted and it was a good deal, so I surprised him with it. He posted a pic on FB with the line "I have the best girlfriend ever" the male friend teased him saying things like "you are Howard" (a reference to Big Bang Theory). But in person, I've met no male friends, seems only the female ones are around.

[carhill]

OK, turn it around. Has he met your best female friend and, if so, how did that go? What was her feedback, since I know women talk about such things?

[betterdeal]

As with any aspect of anyone you have a relationship with (and I mean relationship in its broadest terms, so as to include your relationship with your mother, brother, boss, postman) if it annoys you or makes you wary, you can either

 

1. accept it ( put up with it or change your attitude )

2. talk to them about it, tell them how it affects you and suggest what you'd like to change

3. distance yourself from that person, be less involved with them

4. end the relationship, either telling them why or not

 

If you do talk to him about it, consider what you will do if you don't come to an amicable agreement. You might tell him what that is, you might not.

 

As carhill suggested, if you're feeling wary and constantly defending your boundaries or keeping your eye out for intruders, that's not much fun and soon enough, wary becomes weary, and life isn't about that. Some form of confrontation may well lead to a better outcome for you: even if that outcome is to end the relationship, you will have defined what you want and done your best to achieve it.

 

To thine ownself be true.

[Koda1969]

OK, turn it around. Has he met your best female friend and, if so, how did that go? What was her feedback, since I know women talk about such things?

 

Yes, he did. She liked him a lot and thought he was a nice guy. I told her about my issues with his female friends, and she said to give him a chance, but agrees with me that there may be some major clinging to the past that I may have to overcome with him.

 

My mother also met him, and liked him. Bear in mind, when meeting my friends, he does not discuss his own friends. When "adults" are present, he behaves like a grown man. It's when we are alone or around his friends, that he turns into a teenager.

 

Again, though, I work twelve hours a day minimum...separate work and pleasure and my friends are equally busy with their jobs, spouses, family, kids, etc. So, my friendships are not "all day" affairs. My friendships are "hey, I got a few hours off on Friday, want to grab a beer and dinner and watch the game?"

[carhill]

Hmm...43

"When "adults" are present, he behaves like a grown man. It's when we are alone or around his friends, that he turns into a teenager."

Canary, IMO.

This is where the balance of attraction versus canaries comes into play. With enough attraction, canaries can be dropping right and left and one perceives the mine to be safe for 'just a little while longer'. Maybe the canary was sick before

 

No concrete advice. I know, for myself, after a learning a lot of lessons in my M and D, I don't watch too many canaries dying before taking action. Time and life are valuable and brief. Hope it works out.

[Koda1969]

As with any aspect of anyone you have a relationship with (and I mean relationship in its broadest terms, so as to include your relationship with your mother, brother, boss, postman) if it annoys you or makes you wary, you can either

 

1. accept it ( put up with it or change your attitude )

2. talk to them about it, tell them how it affects you and suggest what you'd like to change

3. distance yourself from that person, be less involved with them

4. end the relationship, either telling them why or not

 

If you do talk to him about it, consider what you will do if you don't come to an amicable agreement. You might tell him what that is, you might not.

 

As carhill suggested, if you're feeling wary and constantly defending your boundaries or keeping your eye out for intruders, that's not much fun and soon enough, wary becomes weary, and life isn't about that. Some form of confrontation may well lead to a better outcome for you: even if that outcome is to end the relationship, you will have defined what you want and done your best to achieve it.

 

To thine ownself be true.

 

Very good points, and I agree completely. I did actually discuss it with him (and it is an ongoing discussion). I told him that I just don't want to be around people like that, and he said he understood. Heck, he himself admits that his friends have issues and are nuts. But, he has this weird need to "not let them down". That, of course, gives me pause. Because if he is the type who likes "rescuing" women, then I'm not a good fit because I'm not really broken, if that makes sense. He swears that he wants me in his life and he wants this "adult relationship" (as we jokingly call it). It's just that he isn't taking steps to set boundaries with the friends. He says he will, then a reason crops up that prevents it from happening. So, I feel that ultimately the next step for me will have to be a firmer discussion and then distancing myself.

From my perspective, I'm just frustrated because I honestly don't like having to give ultimatums or pressure. I've been divorced for 17 years and as I said previously, I am not looking for a husband, and I can't have children. I like earning a good living, and playing/spending that hard earned money, so I kind of view it as the best of all worlds. He's the one setting the pace, and I'm fine with that, since he says he's "new" to a real relationship, but he wanted exclusivity. Yet, I kind of feel that he is the one benefitting because he's getting the benefits of being with me (the sex) while keeping his raunchy clingy friends.

[Koda1969]

Hmm...43

"When "adults" are present, he behaves like a grown man. It's when we are alone or around his friends, that he turns into a teenager."

Canary, IMO.

This is where the balance of attraction versus canaries comes into play. With enough attraction, canaries can be dropping right and left and one perceives the mine to be safe for 'just a little while longer'. Maybe the canary was sick before

 

No concrete advice. I know, for myself, after a learning a lot of lessons in my M and D, I don't watch too many canaries dying before taking action. Time and life are valuable and brief. Hope it works out.

 

hahahaha..thank you for that, I had to laugh!! Ah well, we will see what happens. Tonight, as usual, I'll be going over to his place to spend the weekend. So, we'll see what happens!

[sally4sara]

We live in a society where we dispose of people when their usefulness to us decreases. It is how my family worked and how the people around me behaved so for the longest time I thought it was normal. Keep in mind, I was disposed of by my father before I was even born so really, why would I think it odd?

But I never thought it odd to have platonic friendships. It was just kind of normal for them to fade when I or they had a relationship. No rocking the boat and I've never enjoyed unnecessary drama or being a part of drama in someone elses life.

 

Then I met my husband. He finds the disposable attitude an ugly one. One that fosters the way people use others or hurt people for personal gain. Its easier to eff someone over if you think of them with an expiration date already stamped somewhere on their ass. So he has many long standing friends of both genders and quite a few of the women are exes of a sort, casual or outright. It was odd to me at first and I wondered if I should worry. Friends would tell me I should worry. But what I found when I set aside suspicion and allowed myself to be warm and receptive to them was that my own pool of friends grew in a very fulfilling way. I see many of them now as family. I've even been able to reconnect with people from my past and what it adds to my life vastly outweighs the initial discomforts I experienced in altering my perception of interpersonal relationships. I have sisters and brothers now that accept me in ways I never knew possible within my blood family. In opening myself up to these people I was able to know my partner more intimately through the stories they had from when they were younger and the younger guy my husband was is someone I wouldn't be able to know so well if not for their sharing. Its an amazing gift these people can give you.

We leave in 2 weeks (so excited!) for a multi city trip to visit many of our friends that have moved away or we only see now and then. The love they send leading up to this trip letting us know they've set aside time for us when we arrive and the good times we are bound to have - we wouldn't get any of it if one or both of us were closed off, suspicious, acting territorial about how we met them or the nature of those long ago beginnings.

 

Just something to think about.....

[carhill]

OP, what I'm reading is we have one female friend who stops by unannounced, has a key, doesn't knock, and catches you in your robe. Another who introduces herself and then proceeds to ignore you at a social event. Another who said she'd love to meet you and then volunteers you for moving duty at her place without ever actually meeting your eyes in person.

 

Here's a line: "You know, I've been single for a decade"

 

Guy translation: 'I haven't been married for a decade'

 

It doesn't mean anything regarding being with women. It's double-talk. Everything not verifiable is tantamount to hearsay. Remember, I'm a man talking about another man. I'm not beating up on women here.

 

OK, onward... to a subject near and dear to me..... meeting his family. Mom, Dad, brothers/sisters, etc. FOO can be and usually is a strong indicator of the flavor of his style. If he's an altruistic man who genuinely loves taking care of people and building friendships for a lifetime, you'll see that reflected in his family and his relations with them. If his family is the polar opposite of what you experience with him, you'll feel the tension in their interactions with him. They won't get along; at best, you'll see polite disagreements.

 

This is why the getting to know process is so important. If your overwhelming feeling is positive, then go with that and continue getting to know him better.

[sally4sara]

If he's an altruistic man who genuinely loves taking care of people and building friendships for a lifetime, you'll see that reflected in his family and his relations with them. If his family is the polar opposite of what you experience with him, you'll feel the tension in their interactions with him. They won't get along; at best, you'll see polite disagreements.

 

This is why the getting to know process is so important. If your overwhelming feeling is positive, then go with that and continue getting to know him better.

 

I can understand why someone might rely on things like this, but its not always the case. My husband is who he is specifically because his family is not altruistic or warm. Not with other family members and not with "outsiders". Sometimes you gotta be the change you want to see and make sure your kids have a different experience than the ones you had growing up for any vicious cycles to stop.

[carhill]

So, help the OP out. How does your H interact with his family, given their marked differences? Give her some clues.

[Koda1969]

We live in a society where we dispose of people when their usefulness to us decreases. It is how my family worked and how the people around me behaved so for the longest time I thought it was normal. Keep in mind, I was disposed of by my father before I was even born so really, why would I think it odd?

But I never thought it odd to have platonic friendships. It was just kind of normal for them to fade when I or they had a relationship. No rocking the boat and I've never enjoyed unnecessary drama or being a part of drama in someone elses life.

 

Then I met my husband. He finds the disposable attitude an ugly one. One that fosters the way people use others or hurt people for personal gain. Its easier to eff someone over if you think of them with an expiration date already stamped somewhere on their ass. So he has many long standing friends of both genders and quite a few of the women are exes of a sort, casual or outright. It was odd to me at first and I wondered if I should worry. Friends would tell me I should worry. But what I found when I set aside suspicion and allowed myself to be warm and receptive to them was that my own pool of friends grew in a very fulfilling way. I see many of them now as family. I've even been able to reconnect with people from my past and what it adds to my life vastly outweighs the initial discomforts I experienced in altering my perception of interpersonal relationships. I have sisters and brothers now that accept me in ways I never knew possible within my blood family. In opening myself up to these people I was able to know my partner more intimately through the stories they had from when they were younger and the younger guy my husband was is someone I wouldn't be able to know so well if not for their sharing. Its an amazing gift these people can give you.

We leave in 2 weeks (so excited!) for a multi city trip to visit many of our friends that have moved away or we only see now and then. The love they send leading up to this trip letting us know they've set aside time for us when we arrive and the good times we are bound to have - we wouldn't get any of it if one or both of us were closed off, suspicious, acting territorial about how we met them or the nature of those long ago beginnings.

 

Just something to think about.....

 

I appreciate your input, and trust me, I understand what you mean about people being treated as disposable. That is not my insinuation or desire. I do not believe people are throw away, and I certainly don't demand people be thrown away on my account. But, there is a fine line. We are not talking about healthy female friends who are in secure relationships who are "true" friends. We are talking about women who are so messed up, they can't even define their sexuality (they flit from being straight to bi to lesbian) and more importantly, when he begins to like a woman, they have a pattern of driving her away by "crowding" him (they say so themselves).

That is why this is so hard, because I do not believe in just abandoning people. But at the same time, at this point in my life, do I really want someone in my life who cannot step up and define his priorities outright? Bear in mind, HE says he wants this change, but then when he goes to implement it, something or someone talks him out of it. These are not friends saying "hey, I am so happy for you that you are happy" but instead are saying "you know, she looks a lot like your ex, or acts like so and so and oh well, we'll see how long this one lasts". Obviously, they do not have his best interest at heart. If they were decent and nice women, I'd LOVE to expand my group of friends and get to know them.

[Koda1969]

OP, what I'm reading is we have one female friend who stops by unannounced, has a key, doesn't knock, and catches you in your robe. Another who introduces herself and then proceeds to ignore you at a social event. Another who said she'd love to meet you and then volunteers you for moving duty at her place without ever actually meeting your eyes in person.

 

Here's a line: "You know, I've been single for a decade"

 

Guy translation: 'I haven't been married for a decade'

 

It doesn't mean anything regarding being with women. It's double-talk. Everything not verifiable is tantamount to hearsay. Remember, I'm a man talking about another man. I'm not beating up on women here.

 

OK, onward... to a subject near and dear to me..... meeting his family. Mom, Dad, brothers/sisters, etc. FOO can be and usually is a strong indicator of the flavor of his style. If he's an altruistic man who genuinely loves taking care of people and building friendships for a lifetime, you'll see that reflected in his family and his relations with them. If his family is the polar opposite of what you experience with him, you'll feel the tension in their interactions with him. They won't get along; at best, you'll see polite disagreements.

 

This is why the getting to know process is so important. If your overwhelming feeling is positive, then go with that and continue getting to know him better.

 

I agree on the doublespeak...trust me. I know that I have to "show" that I'm different, and I'm fine with that. In time, people eventually joke "holy crap, you really are what you see is what you get!" hehe so fair enough on the being single part.

 

As for family, well, on father's day I was invited to join him to take his mother and father for breakfast. We had a nice time. His dad is a longtime fire chief in one of the local cities. Both parents are no nonsense, and they liked me a lot (both texted him later and said "she's a keeper!") He respects them, and their relationship is good. He has one younger sibling (a brother, like me) and they have their moments, but again, like me, it is playful but loving.

On the 4th they invited me to join them for a big parade the father was going to be in, and I had a blast. The mom actually took me aside and said that my boyfriend was the happiest she'd ever seen him and said "I could tell when I met you that you were a good one." Now, here's the interesting thing. His mom actually said to me "I don't really like his friends, they are so...so...vulgar!" then joked that she hoped I would rub off on him in that these friends would go away. But the family relationship is a great one.

I think, though, that he has honestly just sunken into a comfortable backup role and I suggested this to him. He actually at first balked then said "you know, you are probably right..I just never thought about it and never had a reason to change because there was nobody in my life." So, he acknowledges that he wants to change, which is why I don't just walk out now. He has many GREAT qualities, and if the worst I have to weather is getting through this hump while he grows up a little, then so be it.

[OrangeSnack]

I'm not a believer in time. I don't think giving him time will change anything. You need to set things straight. It's your life and it's your relationship. If things aren't going your way, speak up. Us guys will understand. If we don't then it's not your fault. You have every right to be well, i wouldn't say jealous because it doesnt seem like you're the jealous type, but you have every right to speak up.

 

I honestly believe a good relationship relies on good communication. If you can't communicate properly to your partner about something that's bothering you then he'll assume it's okay to do it over and over again.

 

Just my 2cents. I know people will disagree with me. But I just don't think people should be wasting their time hoping their partners will change.

[sally4sara]

So, help the OP out. How does your H interact with his family, given their marked differences? Give her some clues.

 

He is good to his mom, tries to not draw his dad's attention too much and has completely written off his materialistic and entitled sister.

With people in general, he is warm and welcoming. Even when a friendship is largely one-sided, he does not grow resentful; the effort he lends is effort he chooses to lend and not given with the expectation of a prescribed reciprocity. He gives everyone a long, long rope and if they hang themselves with it THEY ended the friendship because till you do something to him or someone he loves, not giving the same effort to maintaining a friendship is not a transgression in his eyes. Whether he saw you yesterday or 10 years ago, if your are a friend, you will always be afforded a warm reception and selfless hospitality. We have put up so many of our friends when they were in need (or even if just passing through) I wouldn't sweat running a bed and breakfast! These people included exes of us both and my ex mother in law.

[carhill]

Take-charge fire chief father + 'backup role' eldest son without identifiable male friends = disconnect

 

I see tension between father and son with mother as peace-keeper. Does BF strike you as conflict avoidant? I ask because of the family demographic and his apparent long-term 'backup role' which he apparently wants to change.

 

'I just never thought about it and never had a reason to change because there was nobody in my life.'

 

Hmm....

 

OK, I can see you leaning both ways on this so will leave it at that. Thanks for providing good information. Best wishes

[Koda1969]

He is good to his mom, tries to not draw his dad's attention too much and has completely written off his materialistic and entitled sister.

With people in general, he is warm and welcoming. Even when a friendship is largely one-sided, he does not grow resentful; the effort he lends is effort he chooses to lend and not given with the expectation of a prescribed reciprocity. He gives everyone a long, long rope and if they hang themselves with it THEY ended the friendship because till you do something to him or someone he loves, not giving the same effort to maintaining a friendship is not a transgression in his eyes. Whether he saw you yesterday or 10 years ago, if your are a friend, you will always be afforded a warm reception and selfless hospitality. We have put up so many of our friends when they were in need (or even if just passing through) I wouldn't sweat running a bed and breakfast! These people included exes of us both and my ex mother in law.

 

I think it's great that your husband has found a healthy outlet for his emotions and that you are supportive. As I said, I don't disagree with being there for people. Lord knows, I've done that many times myself. So, I am not one to turn away anyone in need.

The issue here, though, is friends that are overstepping lines. These are not friends who are behaving as "friends" these are women behaving with the familiarity of girlfriends. For instance, I met the one friend (who barged in on us last weekend) at a party a few weeks into dating at a party we went to. Within five minutes she declared to me that she was moving into my boyfriend's place in November. Then she giggled that she promised not to laugh at us on the weekends if we were noisy. Then...the rest of the party, she sat next to my boyfriend telling him all the things she wanted to change about his house. After we left, I asked him about it (since to be honest I was not comfortable hearing the news) and he said "I had told her she could move in after her lease is up". Since then, though, by his own admission he doesn't want her living there, her behavior has gotten really out of hand. But, he hasn't said anything yet.

Plus, bear in mind. You are married. You have a commitment and some semblance of love that binds you and your husband. My boyfriend and I are still in the initial stages of dating. How are we supposed to become closer if there are constantly people barging in or living with him? I don't yet have full trust in him, nor should he have it in me. We HAVE to get to know each other as a couple first before that trust can be implicit.

Sadly, his place is the only place we can go to for now. My mother lives with me, and I cannot change that. Due to circumstances in her life, things just ended up the way they did, and I adore my mother, so I refuse to not take care of her. So, for privacy sake, we only have his place which is why the roommate thing and the friends barging in is such an issue as well.

[Koda1969]

Take-charge fire chief father + 'backup role' eldest son without identifiable male friends = disconnect

 

I see tension between father and son with mother as peace-keeper. Does BF strike you as conflict avoidant? I ask because of the family demographic and his apparent long-term 'backup role' which he apparently wants to change.

 

'I just never thought about it and never had a reason to change because there was nobody in my life.'

 

Hmm....

 

OK, I can see you leaning both ways on this so will leave it at that. Thanks for providing good information. Best wishes

 

conflict avoidant...you hit it on the head! When the issue with the friend moving in came up, he told me the night it was supposed to happen (him telling her shouldn't couldn't move in) that "I really don't like conflict" and admits that is why he lets so many things slide.

 

Your assessment is extremely interesting. I would have never added those things together in that way, but you did hit it on the head! And yes, the mother is the peacekeeper. She's a tough cookie with no issues speaking her mind!

[sally4sara]

I think it's great that your husband has found a healthy outlet for his emotions and that you are supportive. As I said, I don't disagree with being there for people. Lord knows, I've done that many times myself. So, I am not one to turn away anyone in need.

The issue here, though, is friends that are overstepping lines. These are not friends who are behaving as "friends" these are women behaving with the familiarity of girlfriends. For instance, I met the one friend (who barged in on us last weekend) at a party a few weeks into dating at a party we went to. Within five minutes she declared to me that she was moving into my boyfriend's place in November. Then she giggled that she promised not to laugh at us on the weekends if we were noisy. Then...the rest of the party, she sat next to my boyfriend telling him all the things she wanted to change about his house. After we left, I asked him about it (since to be honest I was not comfortable hearing the news) and he said "I had told her she could move in after her lease is up". Since then, though, by his own admission he doesn't want her living there, her behavior has gotten really out of hand. But, he hasn't said anything yet.

Plus, bear in mind. You are married. You have a commitment and some semblance of love that binds you and your husband. My boyfriend and I are still in the initial stages of dating. How are we supposed to become closer if there are constantly people barging in or living with him? I don't yet have full trust in him, nor should he have it in me. We HAVE to get to know each other as a couple first before that trust can be implicit.

Sadly, his place is the only place we can go to for now. My mother lives with me, and I cannot change that. Due to circumstances in her life, things just ended up the way they did, and I adore my mother, so I refuse to not take care of her. So, for privacy sake, we only have his place which is why the roommate thing and the friends barging in is such an issue as well.

 

Yeah but we didn't marry till we'd been together for 6 years.

Trust is important and it does go both ways. Both fresh out of relationships when we started dating; his most recent ex became an ex due to her drinking style and combative attitude. He was trying to be her friend and give her a place she could choose to hang out so long as she arrived sober and stayed that way. All of her friends were heavy drinkers and obstacles to her trying to clean up. Pretty quickly I could see she was not coming around for the help he was trying to offer her and said so. I was not ready to trust his long rope to hang yourself with style and he was not ready to trust my intuition about someone I didn't know well when it rubbed against his personal code about friendship. I chose to be the one to blink first, step back and let that train wreck I knew was inevitable happen but with one condition - if she attempted to use his friendship to rekindle then I didn't want to see her face again. So I put a smile on my face and stood by him, treated her warmly and matched his intentions.

The train wrecked, she was show the door out of his life and we had that first block of trust established with each other.

I hope it all works out for you and your guy. Just make sure to not contribute to any train wrecks looming on the horizon and do your part to build trust by letting him sort out his friends while being informed of your boundaries on the matter so he can earn yours too. Good luck!