frozensprouts Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 ( this question is similar to one being asked in another thread, but I figure it's different enough to warrant it's own) If your spouse had an affair some time ago, would you want to know? Why do you feel that way? If everything else in your marriage since that point had been good, would you still want to know? Do you think it would affect your marriage? Myself, I'd want to know, as honesty is important to me...hiding an affair like that would mean that the marriage was dishonest at it's very core
Spark1111 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 There are many different types of marriages I learned in IC. Many are an unspoken contract: You pay the bills, I care for the house and kids; Let's not rock the status quo. Appearances are everything. In those types of marriages, maintaining appearances are more important than a loving, intimate, marriage. I was amazed at how many women told me after dday, they would rather not know if their H strayed during their marriage as long as he continued to be a good provider and devoted father. Not me. I married my best friend and for love. I loved him sometimes sick, sometimes broke, and often depressed; not for money or status or our appearances in the community. I was more devastated by his lying and secrecy to maintain the affair. All he had to do was tell me he had developed feelings for another. I loved him enough to let him go. In fact, I did for awhile. Yes, of course I would want to know. 1
Furious Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I strongly believe that if an affair was never disclosed or discovered chances are very high that the WS would likely have another affair someday down the line. If someone could successfully hide an affair and the marriage continued as if things were still good, that the time when things were rough, let's say that year when W/H were so stressed at work, or that time when he or she was being so moody, has passed and things seemed better now, were the times when they were cheating...then why not, if or when, another opportunity arrives for a second or third affair, what's to stop it from happening again. The type of person who can cheat and lie, rarely stops that behavior if it has been successful for them. 1
Summer Breeze Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 ( this question is similar to one being asked in another thread, but I figure it's different enough to warrant it's own) If your spouse had an affair some time ago, would you want to know? Why do you feel that way? If everything else in your marriage since that point had been good, would you still want to know? Do you think it would affect your marriage? Myself, I'd want to know, as honesty is important to me...hiding an affair like that would mean that the marriage was dishonest at it's very core Yes I'd want to know. I think it's a special kind of cruelty when someone has an A, goes 'phew it's over', then lets it fade away like it never really happened. In my mind the A might just as well be going on still. Actually worse because some a++hole cheated on me and then decided that he'd take the cowards way out when it ended. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me but if someone kept it from me for years I'd probably hire a hitman!
sad puppy Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 There are many different types of marriages I learned in IC. Many are an unspoken contract: You pay the bills, I care for the house and kids; Let's not rock the status quo. Appearances are everything. In those types of marriages, maintaining appearances are more important than a loving, intimate, marriage. I was amazed at how many women told me after dday, they would rather not know if their H strayed during their marriage as long as he continued to be a good provider and devoted father. Not me. I married my best friend and for love. I loved him sometimes sick, sometimes broke, and often depressed; not for money or status or our appearances in the community. I was more devastated by his lying and secrecy to maintain the affair. All he had to do was tell me he had developed feelings for another. I loved him enough to let him go. In fact, I did for awhile. Yes, of course I would want to know. That's because you are a real and genuine person who lives from an open and honest heart, your center is a deep, kind, authentic center that wants to connect to the truth. For that, you should feel proud of yourself. My xMM had just the marriage you describe - unhealthy, completely lacking in intimacy, the unspoken contract. Pitiful.
scatterd Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Yes I would want too know.We did make a promise to stay faithful. I feel that I should have a right to know if he is the person he claims to be. I have given my all and loved with everything I have. I dont want to be with someone who lies to me and always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Knowing would give me the right to deside what I also want. I would let him go to the greener side and I would live my life true blue. 2
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 My answer would be similar as before; if the marriage was desired to continue, yes, disclosure is helpful. If not, non-disclosure. IME, there are indications, behaviorally, in appearance, even in smell, which cause a spouse to go 'Hmm...' even if there is no finite and concrete evidence. Those markers can be stored as emotional memories forever. Life may continue, good or indifferent, but they're always there, going 'hmm'.... Inevitably, over the months, years or decades, a concrete clue leaks out and all those 'hmm's' from the past can then become the primary vision of the spouse, erasing all of the good in between, emotionally. I personally feel there is a huge difference, interpersonally and emotionally, between being disclosed voluntarily and being blindsided or discovering independently such betrayals as infidelity. Both hurt, sure, but there is something positive to be said for proactive and voluntary disclosure, especially if the goal is to get the issue out there and work it to better/recover/reconcile/clarify the relationship. Myself, my 'hmm's' will go to the grave with me. The truth will remain a mystery. It is what it is.
GLDheart Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Yes, I would DEMAND to know. I would marry for love and friendship... Deceit is the opposite. It is more like hate and adversity.
Silly_Girl Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) I would want to know but I'm not that comfortable with my rationale. Since my ex treated me crappy for 8 years, and there was a high level of gaslighting, I want to know E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I'm almost obsessive. I am improving all the time with this, especially as my new guy is like me and open and honest to the extreme. But I would be desperate to know, the thought of not knowing that makes me feel anxious and tense, but I need to think more about how I *really* feel outwith all that. I'm pretty sure I'd remain in the 'tell me' camp. Edited July 6, 2012 by Silly_Girl
96nole Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I'd like to know if the ex had other previous affairs than the one I know about. I asked her and she said 'no', but let's face it, she's not going to tell me the truth. So I have no way of knowing if that's true or not. At this point if there were other affairs, it would just help support my opinion that she is a lousy person. And that I need to keep my eyes open a little bigger in the future.
seren Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 There is absolutely no question that I would want to know, no matter how long ago it was. No one has the right to make decisions that affect me, my decisions, how I live my life and what I need to know or not. Even as a child I was consulted about things that would make a difference to my life. I find it incredulous that anyone thinks they have the right to with hold information that directly affects me, simply because it makes life easier for them. 2
SoMovinOn Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Nope. Wouldn't want to know. It wouldn't add anything to our relationship.
Radagast Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 My wife and I have been together eight years, married about half of that, so an affair would only have been possible in the last four. Four loved up, fun-filled years during which we were barely apart. Would I want to know if during that time she'd been unfaithful? That's a tough call but on reflection no. Our love goes from strength to strength and I would not want that undermined by petty jealousies or doubts. I know she loves me, and if she had hypothetically kissed or even had sex with another man that doesn't change the depth of her lived and embodied love for me. I would rather that that love be allowed to flourish and thrive and not have it undermined by the insecurities that would be prompted by a revelation of a past flirtation or fling. I've lived with loneliness and insecurity before and I would rather enjoy the wonder of the love I have now than return to that. If you asked this question of me when I was still married to my ex-wife, I would have said yes. I would have wanted to know because it would have lessened the guilt I felt that kept me with her for so long. I would have felt free to leave her if I knew she could find solace with other men and not felt so trapped by my commitment to her. I'm not saying I would have had an affair earlier, I would probably simply have left because the myth that I was the only man who could save her, the only man that could take care of her and the only man she was sexual with (to the extent that she was sexual at all) would have been exposed as a myth freeing me from the burden of my promise to save her from herself.
woinlove Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I would want to know. The distance that such a secrecy and betrayal (assuming my H kept such a secret - that would be a betrayal) would matter to me. I want and have a great deal of intimacy in my M, so the answer for me is a no-brainer. Such a secret would limit the intimacy.
beenburned Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I, like BNB, found out on the last affair. Also like her, if I had found out on the first one, there would not have been a second or third one.(just divorce) I, like BNB, also had a H that demanded his life be exactly like he wanted. I was to fit my schedule around him at all times. If I had found out sooner, I would have done what was in MY best interests for the future.(career wise, money wise, etc.) I resented him using me for all his selfish goals. All the time knowing what a lousy H and liar he was. Everyone needs to know the truth, in order to protect themselves! 1
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