royalblue6 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi guys, about 10 months ago my ex and I broke up after a 3 year relationship due to the fact that we had become completely different person and fought all the time (mostly due to my insecurities). We loved each other a lot, it was our first serious relationship. I initiated NC about 8 months ago and covered up my sadness and guilt with anger and hatred towards him. About two months ago, I realized that instead of changing for the better (I often used anger to cover up my real emotions during our relationship) I was the exact same person I used to be and didn't like it. As I slowly came out my little hatred/anger bubble, I realized that most of the problems in our relationship had been created by me...and that I had caused him a lot of hurt and pain during our relationship. I was feeling guilty, so I decided to break NC to send him an apologetic email. At that time, I felt so good about my decision and felt like it would finally let me cut my attachment to him and move on. I said in the email that I wasn't looking for anything from him, not even a reply or forgiveness. Then I managed to my sorry's and ended it with saying that I hope he finds someone to have a real,loving relationship with in the future. He replied back in an insanely short amount of time (15 minutes) saying he'd feel bad if he didn't reply, that he forgives me and also added that he's not ready to talk to me just yet and isn't sure he ever will be. I didn't reply back of course, but for some reason...reading that we may never talk again, it hurt a lot. Instead of the email making me feel better, it made me feel like we had just broken up again. Ever since that night (2 days ago), I've been crying non-stop and feeling so sad that we're over (even though we have been for 10 months!). I miss him so much and am back at the bargaining stage once again. This is ridiculous because for the past 5 months, I came to realize how we weren't compatible on any level and would never have lasted. Where did all this realization go? Its so obvious he's over me and has moved on...why can't I? I feel so drained and depressed. Am I going to have to re-recover from all of this again? Is the progress I made in the last 10 months gone just like that? I feel like no matter what, I'm never going to escape from this breakup.
Exit Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Heh you sound like an alternate universe version of me. In a few days it'll be 8 months since my breakup, maybe only about 6 months of full NC. Even though I thought I was improving bit by bit, I hit a real low point lately where it's been so bad, I've been tempted to contact her. For many of the same reasons, stupid insecurities affected my relationship and I caused most of the problems. Only difference is that I have not actually broke NC yet. I think I'd get a very similar reply, she might respond to it but mostly she would say she's not ready to talk now, if ever. I feel the same as you, like I will never escape this breakup or this grief. I don't know what advice to give you. Obviously it is back to NC and maybe some day he will reach out or maybe never, just like he said. I'd tell you how to start feeling better if I had any idea how....
Author royalblue6 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Heh you sound like an alternate universe version of me. In a few days it'll be 8 months since my breakup, maybe only about 6 months of full NC. Even though I thought I was improving bit by bit, I hit a real low point lately where it's been so bad, I've been tempted to contact her. For many of the same reasons, stupid insecurities affected my relationship and I caused most of the problems. Only difference is that I have not actually broke NC yet. I think I'd get a very similar reply, she might respond to it but mostly she would say she's not ready to talk now, if ever. I feel the same as you, like I will never escape this breakup or this grief. I don't know what advice to give you. Obviously it is back to NC and maybe some day he will reach out or maybe never, just like he said. I'd tell you how to start feeling better if I had any idea how.... Hey Exit, thanks for the reply. I think that for me, this is finally closure. Even after the break up, he's on my mind non-stop and in my dreams every night. Even though I thought I had made peace with the fact that it was over forever...a small part of me always held onto him (hence the thoughts and dreams). With his reply though, it hit me that now I really do have to let go of him...all of him. And its pretty scary. I guess there is nothing for us to do than let time heal us. I definitely recommend you don't contact your ex, if she's perfectly fine and seems like she's moved on...its just going to hurt you even more. I definitely wish I hadn't contacted him.
nevadagirl Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 It's unlikely that you'll just NEVER talk again but try to accept that by the time you are able to talk to him without feeling any pain you probably won't care to. I don't think it was so bad that you wrote what you wrote. I know you are in pain now but I think you will be surprised at how quickly you will find yourself back at whatever stage you were in a few days ago. I do not think you have regressed all the way back to day 1 of the break-up, but the next couple of days may feel like that. (But I am basing this on my own experience and the mistakes I made throughout my own healing process.) You just made a mistake. When you talk to an ex that you have feelings for you face the possibility of rejection. That is why if you really believe it is over you must not talk to them until you've reached a place of indifference. If I'm to be honest with myself...At this moment right now I do hope to talk with my ex someday. But I have had so many low points, so many moments where I wished I was DEAD, after stupidly checking up on him or - the worst - initiating contact with him - that I know I will never make that mistake again. If we ever speak again it will be on a day that I could care less that we're speaking. I've accepted that truth. The rest is just a matter of getting there.
Author royalblue6 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 It's unlikely that you'll just NEVER talk again but try to accept that by the time you are able to talk to him without feeling any pain you probably won't care to. I don't think it was so bad that you wrote what you wrote. I know you are in pain now but I think you will be surprised at how quickly you will find yourself back at whatever stage you were in a few days ago. I do not think you have regressed all the way back to day 1 of the break-up, but the next couple of days may feel like that. (But I am basing this on my own experience and the mistakes I made throughout my own healing process.) You just made a mistake. When you talk to an ex that you have feelings for you face the possibility of rejection. That is why if you really believe it is over you must not talk to them until you've reached a place of indifference. If I'm to be honest with myself...At this moment right now I do hope to talk with my ex someday. But I have had so many low points, so many moments where I wished I was DEAD, after stupidly checking up on him or - the worst - initiating contact with him - that I know I will never make that mistake again. If we ever speak again it will be on a day that I could care less that we're speaking. I've accepted that truth. The rest is just a matter of getting there. Thanks so much for the reply nevadagirl. I was hoping that as well...that this doesn't last for as long as before and hopefully in about a month I go back to where I used to be. Its so crazy that just one, non-direct exchange can you send back so far. Those few days ago, I felt as if I had made so much progress with this whole thing! Even the thought of him dating a girl who made him happy, made me happy! I honestly meant what I had said about him finding someone who's good for him...but now, if I found out he was dating someone, I don't even know what I would do. I'm just so confused with what I want now...having made a complete 360 turn in my emotions and feelings in just two days. I have moments where I consider asking to get back together even though I know the answer would be a loud and firm no. This is driving me crazy.
rAFC Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Was it you that broke up with him or the other way around?
nevadagirl Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I also wanted to mention that the way you described your relationship with your ex so reminded me of the one I had with mine. Very similar with the covering up of emotions with anger. Bleh. You really are better off figuring yourself out. I think part of what is bothering you is that it's easy to forget that the end of a relationship involves more than just how you feel about that person. There's the part where you fall out of love and feel better...but there is also the part where you have to accept that they have fallen out of love with you too. And that part can be just as hard to deal with.
Author royalblue6 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Was it you that broke up with him or the other way around? Hey rAFC, initially it was me who decided to end the relationship but then regretted it after 2 days and begged to get back together, but in those days he realized he wasn't happy in the relationship and that we're both much better off without each other. I also wanted to mention that the way you described your relationship with your ex so reminded me of the one I had with mine. Very similar with the covering up of emotions with anger. Bleh. You really are better off figuring yourself out. I think part of what is bothering you is that it's easy to forget that the end of a relationship involves more than just how you feel about that person. There's the part where you fall out of love and feel better...but there is also the part where you have to accept that they have fallen out of love with you too. And that part can be just as hard to deal with. You're right, not mattering to someone who used to adore you for such a long time is also a hard fact to face. These past two days, its been a roller-coaster of intense crying and pain to brief acceptance to bargaining, its so exhausting. How has your healing been going nevedagirl?
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