peace-maker17 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi, I was wondering if verbal abuse is treatable with counseling or if once an abuser always an abuser? Thanks, Greg
Balzac Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Absolutely treatable and curable. Perp must want to be changed. For the most part, abuse is learned behavior. 1
amaysngrace Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I'm not sure. I think it would have to depend on if the verbal abuser admits that they do that first and then would have to be called out on it every time they say something nasty after admitting they have a problem. So I think through open communication it can be changed within a relationship but only if the person doing the verbal abusing honestly wants to change.
writergal Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Are you in a relationship with a verbal abuser? Verbal abuse isn't justifiable and if you're on the receiving end, then you need to seek counseling for yourself. The best way to deal with a verbal abuser is to leave the relationship and get counseling, because verbal abuse left untreated usually escalates to physical abuse.
wow04 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 The person doing the verbal abuse has to want to change. If they don't, counseling will not help. 2
Author peace-maker17 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 The person doing the verbal abuse has to want to change. If they don't, counseling will not help. Thanks, I think me and my wife are both guilty of verbally abusing each other, name calling, etc.
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) On LS, verbal abuse is often known as 'tough love', not to, in any way, minimize your situation. So, when you call your wife a 'fat cow' (not saying you do), it's giving her 'tough love' to impel her to lose weight. If you hang around LS, you'll see what I'm talking about. Treatment? 1. Person has to want to change their behavior and freely admit it is unhealthy and inhibiting the continuation/formation of healthy interpersonal relationships 2. Person must commit time to this change. Changing behavior and personality aspects generally takes a lot of time. If I were in this situation, I'd commit at least a year to consistent work/therapy on the issue. 3. Person, if seeking professional help, must utilize a professional experienced in abuse and, adjunct, family dynamics/family of origin/childhood issues. Global (as opposed to situational, meaning time-marked) abusive behaviors are IME generally rooted in FOO/childhood. If you wish to, you can view such behaviors like an addiction; you're always in recovery. It's possible to be in recovery for the rest of your life and have a healthy and loving marriage and other relationships. It's up to you (and your spouse). Good luck. Edited to add that I fought a short bout of this when overwhelmed by caregiving and a painful marriage. MC (for over a year) helped me process it better. Now, when I'm getting baited or abused, rather than launching back, I visualize having to care for a psychotic person for eight years (which I did) and, if I can handle the abuse I received in that dynamic, I can handle anything. It diffuses the red tape. Edited July 6, 2012 by carhill
LonelySarah Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 On LS, verbal abuse is often known as 'tough love', not to, in any way, minimize your situation. So, when you call your wife a 'fat cow' (not saying you do), it's giving her 'tough love' to impel her to lose weight. If you hang around LS, you'll see what I'm talking about. Treatment? 1. Person has to want to change their behavior and freely admit it is unhealthy and inhibiting the continuation/formation of healthy interpersonal relationships 2. Person must commit time to this change. Changing behavior and personality aspects generally takes a lot of time. If I were in this situation, I'd commit at least a year to consistent work/therapy on the issue. 3. Person, if seeking professional help, must utilize a professional experienced in abuse and, adjunct, family dynamics/family of origin/childhood issues. Global (as opposed to situational, meaning time-marked) abusive behaviors are IME generally rooted in FOO/childhood. If you wish to, you can view such behaviors like an addiction; you're always in recovery. It's possible to be in recovery for the rest of your life and have a healthy and loving marriage and other relationships. It's up to you (and your spouse). Good luck. Edited to add that I fought a short bout of this when overwhelmed by caregiving and a painful marriage. MC (for over a year) helped me process it better. Now, when I'm getting baited or abused, rather than launching back, I visualize having to care for a psychotic person for eight years (which I did) and, if I can handle the abuse I received in that dynamic, I can handle anything. It diffuses the red tape. Verbal abuse is not "tough love" IT IS ABUSE! It does a lot of damage. Just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it isn't abuse. There is no excuse for any kind of abuse! Shame on you!
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I was characterizing a common description of 'tough love' on LS. I didn't say the two were equivalent, merely characterized that way by a portion of people who actively post on LS and are considered, by many, to be valued members. I agree with you regarding the specifics. Opinion varies.
kelliejoholly Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 Patricia Evans wrote a book called "The Verbally Abusive Man:Can He Change?" She asked that question because she's seen men change, but NEVER seen a woman change. I recommend you read any Patricia Evans book on the topic. Kellie
darkmoon Posted July 31, 2012 Posted July 31, 2012 (edited) how do abusers (who say it can be hard to change) behave at work, say, if they want a raise or a promotion? do they verbally abuse the boss? hell no...! how do they behave if somebody bigger than them picks a fight? i bet they don't ever verbally abuse a bigger built person than themselves see...the learned behaviour that can be hard to change can suddenly dissolve... Edited July 31, 2012 by darkmoon
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