PhotoGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 This is my first time ever posting to a forum. I've talked to friends and family and they give you the same pep talk. I swear they all got together and rehearsed it. The "you deserve better", "you'll find someone else", "you are better off without him". I know that it is all true what they're saying. I do deserve better, and yes in all reality I am better off. I've accomplished more since we split than I ever did with him. So yes there is proof of all that I know. I've mourned the loss of my partner over and over. I've cried too many times to even count I think. And while I'm angry at him for the things he's done and the things he's put me through, I seem to be more upset with myself for letting him do it. The disappointment in myself is the worst part. Why did I have such blinders on when it came to him. Why did I accept his apologies and his excuses over and over only to allow him to treat me the same way multiple times. What's wrong with me? Why would I do something like that to myself? He was never abusive, nothing like that. It was kind of like the grass was always greener on the other side. He'd want out, thinking that was better, once he got out, he'd want back in. He just couldn't seem to decide where he wanted to be. And for me, every time he came back I was determined that this time we'd make it work no matter what. I mean he came back for a reason didn't he? Or so I thought. I think I was afraid of failure. It was my second marriage and maybe I was just determined to make it work? But really would you keep passing someone a hammer if each time you gave it to them they whacked you in the head? No of course not, but that's what I feel like I've been doing for the last 4 years. If anyone has any thoughts or has been through anything similar, please by all means respond. Would like to hear from you and maybe get a different perspective. Thanks!
Exit Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Sometimes when you really love someone you want to keep giving them those chances. Some say it's codependent or toxic but I've always struggled to see it that way. If I love someone of course I want to have faith in them and not give up. I wouldn't spend too much time beating yourself up for giving it chances. Other people give up on relationships too soon. Be upset with him for never making any of those chances a success, not mad at yourself. 1
CopingGal Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 It's toxic if you keep giving, keep giving, keep giving, and your partner takes, takes, takes, doesn't give back and treats you like crap. Relationships have to be give and take. Any relationship in which one does all of the giving, or a great deal of the giving and the other person does not is doomed. 1
Exit Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Yeah, I have trouble knowing where to draw that line and seem maybe PhotoGal had a hard time with that too and now looking back she is kicking herself for putting up with it. I kinda experienced the same way, I was always enthusiastic about fixing whatever it was my ex and I needed to repair in order to have a future, whereas it seemed she never fully engaged herself and kept looking for reasons to leave rather than to stay. I guess the best thing to do is to count it as a tough lesson learned. You give and give to these people and then they are the ones who leave anyway. Next time you start to notice the scales tipping too far in one direction in terms of who is making an effort, maybe you'll know to catch it earlier. 1
CopingGal Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) I was buying my ex all kinds of presents. My therapist told me there had to be balance. There wasn't. But I love giving so I kept doing it. I just kept doing it because I loved him and I didn't want to be petty and be mad that he never got me presents, because they are material things. I would make plans for us and he would not because he said it was hard for him to make plans. I would make arrangements all the time and I hated it, but I tried to accept that. I gave him my time. He was stingy with his, and when he got lots of time in his life, became even more stingy with his time. My ex has never, EVER given me any kind of gift, just because. He didn't give me anything at all the first year, including for my birthday...nothing, not even a card. His excuse was that he life was complicated at the time. In three years he was my boyfriend, he never gave me one gift, not ONE gift for "just because," and I hated it...and pushed it down and got mad at myself for being petty. Once when my bf and I were on better terms, he wanted to take me out to eat someplace nice. I thought it would be a good idea to take much of the money for that, give it to charity and eat at a fast food restaurant. He told me that he was hoping I was joking. I wasn't working and my ex would buy me toilet paper, sometimes every two weeks. Gosh, it was SO hard for him to do that because he is so selfish. My ex stopped taking me nice places to eat. One time when he came to visit, he just brought me some cream for my rash. Said that was all the money he had. Couldn't take me out to dinner. Another time he was going to take me to Burger King so I could eat something. He didn't have money for himself. I felt so great that he was being giving to me when he had so little...then I found out he had the money, but was spending it on another woman... I lavished him with my time, my love, and my gifts. I got crumbs of his affection and a lot of words, no gifts except for ONE birthday, one Christmas and 2 Valentimes Day. As we progressed in the relationship, I stopped buying him gifts and purposely did not give him anything for his birthday. He has the smallest heart I've even know and it is FULL, mostly with himself and some for his son. That's pretty much it other than for a few of his friends and the fake friends on facebook. My EX put everything ahead of me, his hobby, his friends, and other women. I was always last on his list. He was alway throwing other women in my face...even his co-workers. I put up with SO much from him and put myself down for wanting more...which I thought was greedy, for not being accepting of him...for being judgmental...for this and that. In the end, when I finally realized what a terrible bf he had been, I looked back on everything and asked myself I could I have accepted so much? Edited July 6, 2012 by CopingGal
Double D Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Hi + Welcome PhotoGal! The first thing I would say to you is don't be so hard on yourself. Love, like money, sometimes makes you do things you don't want to do or know better. Its tough but it happens. So forgive yourself and have a (virtual hug) and be more forgiving to yourself. Be thankful you know better now + its gives you the chance to one day be with someone who is truly committed to you. You have a better insight now on what your willing to tolerate + that's a good thing. We develop all the time through the good and bad times and let this be an opportunity for you to develop and grow. I was in a very bad relationship and in hindset I can't believe what I was thinking, it wasn't the greatest hour in my life and It has taken me time to forgive me for my mistakes and have tried to grow with it. Not easy by any means but continue my progress. Wish you well.
Author PhotoGal Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 I think you nailed it Exit, I did always look for the good in my partner, and yes I definately had trouble drawing the line with him I'd have to say its probably the toughest lesson I've had to learn so far, so hopefully it sticks this time!
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