kaylan Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 So I was speaking to an old buddy of mine...just catching up and what not...and he was telling me about his gal and kids. Now obviously pregnancy affects every woman different, but he said his gal put on a good bit of weight and hasnt done much to make sure shed got back in decent shape after the kid. Its apparently greatly impacted his attraction and their sex life. I felt bad and told him to maybe talk with her about dieting together or being gym buddies. But hes afraid of how she will react, so they havent really ever discussed this. His situation reminded me of a good gal pal of mine. She has a child, and she hardly put on weight from the pregnancy. Shes maybe only a size bigger than from before she had her kid a few years back. But I do remember her telling me that her guy was the one who actually got huge during her pregnancy. And she def complained about it to me and admitted have a wandering eye for other guys (shed never stray tho). And trust me, homeboy got huge once they settled into their relationship. I was actually surprised at how quickly he let himself go. So being the wonderer that I am, I went online to see what people felt about body changes in men and women after marriage, or pregnancy, or just after being together for a while in LTRs without marriage or pregnancy. The responses were greatly different. It seemed that women (especially if preggerz or already moms) were given way more support regarding their body composition than the men. That is to say you would def see a lot more comments calling a guy a douche bag or a dick for sharing with his partner that his attraction was impacted by her change in appearance. Now I understand more sympathy being given to women whove dealt with pregnancy, but I didnt understand why women without child were treated differently than the guys. Especially if we are just talking about men and women in LTRs way before kids. Now also let me say this (because I know someone will run here crying about how theres more than the physical in a relationship); Yes there is more to a relationship than the physical...But that doesnt mean physical chemistry is much less imporant than emotional or mental chemistry. It really depends on the person though on how much each part is imporant...but they all still matter. The same way I can understand a persons physical attraction being different towards a partners body change, I can also understand that feelings of love and attachment can change when a partners personality becomes different. Now what I wanna know is this....Is it so bad that someones attraction changes to significant body changes in their mate? And what way can you go about expressing your feelings to your partner so that you dont seem like a jerk, or d-bag, or etc. From some of what Ive seen online, it seems that having changed feelings makes you the bad guy even though we know attraction isnt a choice. Its a tight rope it seems since feelings have to be protected.
pink_sugar Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) I think there is and should be a way to express your feelings towards the person. Like maybe you've noticed them put on some weight since you married or have been living together, but not too much. I know people who used to be very skinny and gradually put on weight due to age and lack of diet change. I think a good way to communicate this is emphasize that health and physical activity are very important to the both of you and perhaps impliment some diet changes and be more active, rather than figuring out how to say you don't find one another attractive anymore. Suggest that you both work on healthier eating habits together and do more outdoor activities. Edited July 5, 2012 by pink_sugar 1
veggirl Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 If your bud and his wife can't discuss those things openly, that's a whole diff issue. If I ever have children I would try my hardest to get back to my current size. Understandably bodies change as we age, BUT the fact is that many, many people are just lazy and don't want to put in the effort to maintain a "good" body--they want to eat what they want and they want to relax after work instead. If that's their priority then fine, but it won't be mine if/when my body starts "going". I don't think it's unreasonable to lose attraction if someones body changes drastically! As far as after a pregnancy, I suppose part of it would depend on how soon after my man was making this judgements. I don't claim to be an expert on weight loss / gain but I'd imagine with proper work (nothing crazy, just regular work outs and eating well), your body should basically be back within 9 months...took that long to gain it and all. That would be my goal if I had a baby. (ftr I have a great metabolism and do not struggle with weight. So, for whatever that is worth). I could lose attraction to my BF if he put on a substantial amount of weight. 2
anne1707 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I think it depends on the circumstances for the body change and the attitude of the person whose body has changed. Pregnancy - if a man complains about a woman's body during pregnancy and in the first months afterwards then yes he is a douche (did I really just use that word ). However if a lot of weight still remains after time then IMO she should try to lose that weight and get back to pre-pregnancy levels (as much as is possible after going through pregnancy and birth which has a huge impact on the body). If a person's body changes through ill health or injury then whilst that may be a turn-off, it is no fault of the person affected. They cannot help the situation and have far more important issues to deal with. I think then what would keep attraction is attitude - if still positive and making the most of life then that can definitely overcome physical issues. If a person's body changes through neglect and laziness then that to me is the most dismal thing and yes attraction may well be lost. Note: none of this is about thinning, greying hair or some thickening of the waist as you age, some loss of firmness, etc. Bodies will change as you get older but it is about making the best of what you have 1
ikele Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 both men and women do. reasonable or not its the reality.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 This is an odd question. Attraction is not a choice. You can't make a conscious decision to be attracted or not attracted to someone. It happens on a subconscious level. And since we are not dealing with rational thought, the concept of reasonableness does not come into play. Simply put, you are either attracted to someone or you're not.
yongyong Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Geez, pregnancy is not an issue here. Do american women really gain weight just by having babies? I guess at least that would be a good excuse for her if she had kids. 'My gene is different' would be the only option for single ladies though....
Algermas Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Geez, pregnancy is not an issue here. Do american women really gain weight just by having babies? I guess at least that would be a good excuse for her if she had kids. 'My gene is different' would be the only option for single ladies though.... They gain weight because, in the US, she now has him firmly by the testicles and hence has no reason to pretend to care about him anymore.
funlady Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 both men and women do. reasonable or not its the reality. I agree. It is the reality. However if someone gains, lets say, 50+ pounds, they can hardly be surprised that their partner would have a problem with it or bring it up in a conversation.
amaysngrace Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I would pose it as a health concern first because being overweight causes health issues like heart disease and diabetes and I'd come from a place of caring rather than disgust.
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 IMO, it's not unreasonable for attraction to change when someone's body has changed, a little or a lot or in any significant way; however, in a LTR/M, that doesn't occur within a vacuum. It occurs within the totality of the relationship and commitment. That he is afraid of how she would react to honest and loving communication is a canary of an issue in their relationship. He presents to have little confidence in how to communicate his wants and desires to her. Concurrently, he should examine his own basis for love, commitment and attraction for health. IMO, if he's coming from a positive place fueled by that wonderful child they made together, they can resolve this issue *together*. I could think up a ton of examples of specifics, but each couple is different. Another potential to consider is that his waning of attraction has nothing to do with her weight, rather that he now, post-pregnancy, sees her as a (his) mother. Happens. Few men want to talk about that. Having been married to an overweight wife, I'll guarantee she's clearly and painfully aware of the body changes she's gone through and how she currently looks. Support and solutions IME get better play than 'tough love'. If they need help with that, it's available. 1
YellowShark Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 No it is not unreasonable. Desirability is a HUGE factor in choosing a romantic partner. We're hard-wired for it. So if your partner becomes obese, (to the point that you no-longer found them desirable,) it's not unreasonable to lose attraction. I know someone who this happened to. And she ended up divorcing him over it. After 3 years of asking her husband to please do something about his weight he never did. The hot 200lb guy she married 12 years later was over 350 lbs. When she saw him nude she was turned off. In fact she told me a funny story that when they made love he would literally crush her, and that simply wasn't fun for her at all.
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 OP, that brings up a question, reading about the guy who went from 200 to 350lbs (yikes!)... Put some numbers to this dynamic. Before and current weight, along with height. You said 'a good bit'. On my exW, at 5'1", 10 lbs was very noticeable. If she was 5'10", hardly. What are we taking about here?
xxoo Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 If love is very strong, physical changes don't tend to affect attraction as much as we'd expect. If attraction is dependent on being within a narrow physical range, maybe it isn't that strong to begin with. Personally, my partner has varied 30 pounds, up and down, over the course of our marriage. I've only really noticed in photos, although I enjoy his energy more when he is on the more active/thinner side. He literally has more energy when he is fitter, and as an active woman, I appreciate that. I've known couples to stay in love, and attracted, through disfiguring illness (mastectomy for example, even without reconstruction). I've also had the pleasure of knowing couples who stay in love through decades of marriage, turning each young bride and groom into a wrinkled, stooped, weakened old person! We should all be so lucky to experience that kind of physical change in a partner This issue usually comes up when the physical changes are the result of lifestyle changes that are unattractive. And then I wonder what the real issue is--is it primarily the body change, or the unattractive habits?
ScienceGal Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) If I were him, I would definitely play the health aspect. I don't want to be with someone that is overweight because they lack motivation to eat well and exercise (a medical or other uncontrollable reason is another story). Being overweight is unhealthy, and I wouldn't be attracted to that just as I am not attracted to smokers... the initial turnoff plus the long term consequences. To begin with, I wouldn't date someone that doesn't choose to live a healthy and active lifestyle. Was she an active/healthy person before the pregnancy or was she just lucky to be thin/smaller than she is now? If she didn't have the motivation to eat well and exercise before, that's probably why she doesn't have it now. Maybe he didn't anticipate her ever gaining weight. But, I realize life happens and we all go through different situations. If my partners mood/opinion of maintaining a normal weight changed, I would be patient and supportive. But, if a lot of time went by and he didn't do anything about the weight, I'm honestly not sure what I would do. Of course marriage and children would greatly affect what I would do. 'For better or worse' and 'until death do us part' still mean something, to me at least. He should take an interest in eating better (for himself) and take over the shopping and meal planning. He should talk to her about being gym buddies. He should do whatever he can to address this in a positive way. Edited July 6, 2012 by ScienceGal
YellowShark Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 OP, that brings up a question, reading about the guy who went from 200 to 350lbs (yikes!)... The instance I speak of the wife tried everything. Making him healthy meals, trying to be his gym buddy, walks, bike rides.. And the husband kept making promises but never followed through. His weight simply kept increasing.. (almost since the day they got married.) Finally it came to a head. She gave him an ultimatum. When 6 months passed and still no changes, she served him. She fell out of love. Like one would with an un-repentant alcoholic. At some point you just have cut your losses and go. This wasn't the man she signed up for. Everyone is hard-wired to pick a mate they find desirable. And you can't change that. Emotional factors - like good communication, trust, and shared interests - are important too, but everyone wants their partner to remain reasonably attractive. They'd be lying if they said they didn't. 2
carhill Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Sounds like she gave it her best shot and accepted the results as the truth and ended things. Sad to see stuff like that. Good advice for the OP's friend in that anecdote, IMO.
YellowShark Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Sounds like she gave it her best shot and accepted the results as the truth and ended things. Sad to see stuff like that. Good advice for the OP's friend in that anecdote, IMO. She did try. But in the end she told me she would gasp when he tried to get in the shower with her. And they couldn't do certain sexual positions anymore because he would crush her. Hugging him felt like a different person. So not only did it affect her visually, but physically. And it was something he could fix, not any type of uncontrollable disfiguring illness.
Author kaylan Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 I have news for you. Once you have been married for a few years the perfect figure of your wife seems less attractive than the pudgy gal next door . Ask Tiger Woods why he sought women that were vastly inferior to his wife. Ask Arnold Schwarzneger why he had sex with the pudgy and ugly housekeeper which was much uglier than the wife. Your buddy is just another Tiger Woods or Arnold. He is going to cheat on his wife and has started to rationalize. Imagine that one day you have a daughter and her h dumps her because she does not look good after having a kid. I hate to say this, but most of your posts are about being vain. Nah...my wifes nice body will never look worse to me than some pudgy girl next door. And actually, my posts are quited varied. Its just you chose to read and notice the ones that are about looks and attraction. Maybe you should open your eyes and read a bit more around the site. And I wish people would stop trying to shame folks for caring about physical attraction. Would you shame someone for caring about if their partners personality or emotional feelings changed? All these things go into attracting someone and creating a bond. So spare me with the "vain" accusations.
mesmerized Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Attraction is not about reason....But I agree that if the emotional connection is very strong, the physical might play less of a role in it.
irin Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 i used have a hardcore crush on this one particular guy, and over a year he gained alot of weight, he went from skinny to actually fat, my attraction to him somehow increased with his size lol. he looked like the softest most cuddly teddy bear ever, i just wanted to hug him :love: so weight change doesnt always have to have a negative impact on partners attraction, hey boobs get bigger, the backside gets rounder. p.s. while the world is busy dieting and trying to lose weight im here trying to gain some. 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Attraction is not about reason. Absolutely this. I wish other people had enough intelligence to understand this
xxoo Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 You are a young guy and probably never had a relationship with a woman with a great figure for a long period of time------------lets say over 5-6 years. At some point the relationship becomes calm and some men yearn for strange. In this instance strange becomes attractive because it is a novelty and NEW. Emphasis on some. Kaylan might not be the kind of guy who struggles with that.
mortensorchid Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 This is an ugly subject to talk about, no question. My mom is obese, she has expressed her dislike of it, and yet she does little to nothing about it. She's tried joining organized dieting, working out, etc. but the fact of the matter is that she is a closet eater (she doesn't eat much when she is around others, but she eats when she is alone). I went down that path myself, when I was in my late twenties I started to gain weight at about the same age that my mom did. My dad is not pleased with the fact that my mom does not have the motivation to loose even any of it. Her health is hanging by a thread (having gotten cancer, diabetes, arthritis, having all her teeth rot out of her mouth, kidney stones from a lifetime of not drinking enough water, etc.) and has told me as much. He started making comments to me, then one day I said "I'll show him!" and I lost 45 lbs. I am here to tell you that this happens more often than you think it does. You can loose your sense of attractiveness to someone who gains a lot of weight no matter what the situation is that they put it on. The inverse is possible too, in that there are some who like those with something extra on them, that person looses the weight, and then they are not attracted to them anymore. We don't want to admit things in life, especially that we are that shallow. Think of celebrities : Elizabeth Taylor, Jessica Simpson. If she had never done anything again after making the movie National Velvet, she would've always been praised for that. The same for Jessica Simpson's music career. But then they both got fat and it's like they were not allowed to live anymore. The press rags on them, and we follow suit. People treat you differently when you are fat. It is an absolute necessity to your physical and mental health to stay within your BMI and not become that way. Because you will change, everything will change for the better when you loose the weight. Don't believe me? Wait until it happens to you.
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