struggling man Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi, I'm having a very tough time dealing with the departure of my wife a few months ago. I'll leave out the details as I'm registered here under another name and would rather keep that name for when I'm not feeling quite so desperate. I've been contemplating suicide for a while now. Finally bought the apparatus to do it today. I won't say what that is because it's all very common stuff available to anyone and I don't need to give anyone else any bad ideas. Last week I got very very down and called 911. The police came and then an ambulance. They took me away to the hospital where I was admitted for 3 days. It was an awful experience. I never want to go back there. The people in there were really crazy and had some pretty serious problems. One patient physically attacked another. Another guy, a psychotic, got in my face and scared the crap out of me. Anyways, while in there I was not suicidal at all, I was just anxious as hell to get out. So I acted very nicely and did my time and got released by the end of the weekend. But then Tuesday comes and all of a sudden WHAM I am hit by this same extreme wall of sadness. Just out of nowhere. I was at the gym, had done my workout, and then while changing to go home it suddenly hit me I have no one. I started crying right in the change room, though nobody saw me. But this feeling of sadness just came out of nowhere, just like last week. Strong recurring thoughts that I have no one, and because of my job situation and age and body it feels like I never will. I just want to stop feeling sad, I don't think I actually want to die, but the pain is so so so bad. I cry in public, I can't work, I can't think. I have to take pills just to go to sleep and stay asleep. And now I have this stuff that will kill me in just a few moments should I choose to use it. I've researched this stuff online and it looks pretty easy to do. I need some help but I don't want to go back to the hospital. I can't call my ex, she's had enough of me and she's not the right person to support me anyways. Don't want to involve family or friends. I'm so lonely and down, my life seems hopeless. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Philosoraptor Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 It's time to involve family or friends. I know you're feeling low right now but imagine how everyone else in your life will be feeling if you do take an action against yourself. You will leave nothing but pain for all of those you care about. Seek counseling if you're feeling this way and don't do anything you can't take back. As much as you don't want to involve your friends and family I promise you they want to be there for you if you just give them the chance. Things do get better if you work through them. Seeking help and opening up to those close to you is usually a pretty good step in making things better for yourself. 1
hinatticus Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Don't kill yourself man. Please don't. I've had suicidal tendencies in the past too but there is no way I'd do that now. You're in a funk. Your family wants to help if they know how serious you are. Go to counseling and read self help material. I thought counseling and books were for the weak. Now I know it takes a strong person to do these things. Trust me it helps. I cry in public too. In my truck most of the time. I still can't wrap my head around being a single father. Tell your family how you really feel and they will help. Post here while you're feeling low. It helps Stay strong
Author struggling man Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Still here. Took a couple of the super-strong sleeping pills they gave me at the hospital. Slept from about 4pm yesterday until 1:30pm this afternoon. Just trying to avoid life at this point. Body aches like hell from lying there for so long, but at least I'm not dead right? I'm sure (or I hope) it's just a phase. Basically I think a few days before my hospital stay last week I finally realized, it is over, there is no hope of her ever coming back. Which may be a good thing looking at it. But I think it is this total loss of hope that has led me into such deep despair. Prior to that I still figured we'd find a way. I'd give her some space and time and she'd get some help, and then she'd realize it was not so bad with me and she'd come back. I know now that's not happening. So a new phase of mourning, where I go from trying to find ways to be patient and find ways to get her back, instead trying to find ways to just go on without her. It's hard, I can't avoid her completely because we have a child together, so I will always be in contact with her to some degree and that really sucks, because if not for that I would pack up and move to the other side of the country. But I can't, she's always going to be in my life and I am going to have to shut out the memories of her as my partner and just find a way to only view her as my kid's mom. Really hard not being able to ever go full NC with her. Maybe I haven't been here long enough but I haven't found too many threads here on people dealing with this, no hope of ever going NC, and how do you get over your ex when that is the case. So depressed but a little less so today than yesterday. Doing something social tonight and hopefully afterwards I'm not left with that extremely lonely feeling that sometimes comes after going out to a social event that I don't know anyone at. Give me strength to get through this and forget her.
Zammo25 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Keep going. You are here for a reason like we all are. Your time is not up until God decides it is. DO NOT do anything silly. We are all here for you. Stay STRONG.
LoverOfDance Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Please don't kill yourself. I can't say I understand what you're going through because I am quite young and I don't know what it feels like to be abandoned by someone you love so much but I have a sibling who went through a time in his life when he contemplated suicide. I was there 4 him and let him know that he is not alone and will never be as long as I am here. You need to get in contact with your family members. They are the only ones that will truly help you heal. They won't judge you and they will never leave. Your friends may even leave you but family will always be there. Get in contact with them. You'll heal faster with them around to console you. Don't worry, like you said this is just a phase. Just like all good things come to an end, all bad things have to come to an end as well to make way for new and better things. Don't worry, everything will be alright. We are here if you need to talk.
hypersonic Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 It may not be possible to do full NC, but you can restrict your interactions with her to issues involving your child. I had difficulty with this right after I got divorced, the tendency is to make small talk and act friendly. Don't do it...if she tries to go off the topic of parenting then either ignore it or redirect it back to the topic at hand. Each conversation with her should have a specific purpose (how will we divide up the summer) and once that's done then end the conversation. Hope this helps...hang in there.
Mr Scorpio Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I need some help but I don't want to go back to the hospital. I can't call my ex, she's had enough of me and she's not the right person to support me anyways. Don't want to involve family or friends. I'm so lonely and down, my life seems hopeless. I don't want to live like this anymore. I know how you feel. My life also seems hopeless, at least to me. However, the fact of the matter is that you never know what tomorrow may bring. You could end up in a fender-bender with the new love of your life, you could win the lottery, you could experience some random event that brings new meaning into your life. If nothing else, think about your child. Imagine what the loss of a parent -- especially via suicide -- would do to your child for the rest of their life. If nothing else, you owe it to your child to see this through. It is your primary job to be there for your child. You brought him/her into the world. Don't leave them with only one parent. I know what only having one parent feelings like. It isn't pleasant.
amaysngrace Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Everyday when you wake up be thankful for one thing in your life. It doesn't matter how big or small that something is...just find it and be glad for it. PS I'm sorry you're hurting but things WILL get better. 1
hinatticus Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I'm 33 and I'm a single father. Break up happened just over 4 months ago. Our son is only 23 months! I feel your pain man.
Sugarkane Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I envy you struggling man, atleast you have a kid. The rest of us dont. I can relate as I also became suicidal- lost my friends and I had no work at The time. Have a family history of depression I found out. At the time my parents didn't seem to care at all. As usual my mother just got angry at me. She always does that when I ask her for advice. my dad thinks therapy is BS (even though he needs it himself) and thinks you're weak if you have depression. So that's why I came here. I even took blades from work- too easy. As no one cared I went to a therapist and went on meds. Please seek help too.
The Tallest One Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 Dear friend, please please please don't ever try and take your life. Trust me as I have tried twice in the last three years and it's not the answer. I was with my ex wife for twelve years and we have two young boys together. I came home one day after work to find an empty house and no kids while my ex was sitting on our front steps of our home. She was leaving! I tried for ten months to win her back, even tried marriage councelling until one day she said she didn't love me and to move on. I fell into a deep depression and tried taking my life. Thank God I'm still here because I have kids and they would be devestated if they lost me. Like mentioned above, get rid of whatever you baught to end it. You will get through this, I promise you! It takes time and opening up to others who can help. I have depression and an anxiety disorder which makes things difficult at times, but in time you will be able to gain perspective and find the strength to move forward. Two years after the split, I met an amazing women who I instantly fell for. After four months and some problems that I have mentioned in my first thread, she left me. I was overwhelmed with pain and for a second time, tried to take my life. We eventually got back to seeing each other but it was a roller coaster relationship that she finally ended after almost fifteen months. It's been two weeks since she ended the relationship and yes it's been hard for me, but I will never try and harm myself ever again. Noone is worth taking your life for. It's been four years since my ex wife left and I have no feelings whatsoever for her at all. Keep as little contact with her as possible, be focussed on you and your child and just ride out the pain. I know it's not easy, some days feel like you will never be happy again, but you will. You have to be strong for your child who needs you during this tough time. Come to this site and vent, let it out because we're here for you and your not alone! I have a shrink and a therapist and they have helped tremendously, plus you can always find support groups in your area for people who are in crisis. You are not alone, this happens to people every day, so please be strong, I'm pulling for you!
CopingGal Posted July 12, 2012 Posted July 12, 2012 (edited) Hi, I've been contemplating suicide for a while now. Finally bought the apparatus to do it today. I won't say what that is because it's all very common stuff available to anyone and I don't need to give anyone else any bad ideas. I'm telling you right now, you get that apparatus and throw it away. Right now. Do it...okay? Nobody, but NOBODY is worth killing yourself over. Besides you have a kid to thing about. She doesn't want you...screw her. You have your own life to live. Do NC as much as possible. This WILL pass. I'm telling you it will. Pick a friend or family member that you trust and have an honest talk with them. Go on a suicide hotline or in a suicide chat. Suicide chat Suicide hotline in the US 1-800-273-TALK Stay strong and keep posting here. You are among friends. Edited July 12, 2012 by CopingGal
Author struggling man Posted July 16, 2012 Author Posted July 16, 2012 Thank you everyone for responding and sharing your stories. I'm still here. Going through some wicked bad anxiety and making some bad decisions but not harming myself or anything. I was supposed to pick up my child yesterday but called and said I couldn't manage it. Called again today to say the same thing, I am just not in the right place mentally. I think I'm doing the responsible thing since I really shouldn't have our kid when I'm in this condition. Not that I would cause them any harm but I'm really miserable and probably would be neglectful. Driving home I was considering suicide again tonight but something changed about 10 minutes from home. Not going to do it now but may take some pills to get to sleep I do that from time to time. Feeling very very lost and like I'm screwing up. I'm going to lose joint custody if I don't take my child when I am supposed to. My wife will hold this against me I am sure. So much pain so much anxiety so much not thinking straight. Its getting worse not better. But still here. Thanks everyone.
BrokenMirror Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I feel like I can relate to you. After my ex left me, I wanted to do nothing but to just die. And I used to contemplate suicide all the time. Truth is a few years ago, I used to slash my wrists and my ex was the main reason I stopped. He helped me feel better by showing me all the love he did. And we broke up and now, I don't want to live. Who would? When you feel miserable all the time and you want to cry at the most randomest times? I get the urge to cry while I'm doing my homework or when watching TV. I have family that I can't talk to about this and how many times can I talk about this to my friend? But suicide isn't the answer. I learnt a lot in my relationship. I learnt what to do and what not to do and I've changed. I can gladly say that I haven't cut in a long time and I want to. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. But I shouldn't. Don't kill yourself. Hang in there. You have our support and we can help you through this. Knowing that other people are feeling like I do helps me get through the day. I can't PM yet, but I should be able to do in a while and I hope to help people then.
amaysngrace Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 I'm sorry but you're being extremely selfish to put your own pain in front of your child's. Your child's world has been turned upside down too but all you do is wallow in your own self pity and blow off your child. Not once this weekend but twice! Please, before you take your sleeping pills, pick up the phone and tell your child that you love them.
Med Posted July 16, 2012 Posted July 16, 2012 Just hang in there, time is a healer, it really does get better i can assure you..Be strong & surround your self with positive & uplifting people. You might wanna try doing some work outs or do the things you never had the chance to before such as a hobby. I too was in your place & now its my ex who cant live without being to far off me. Be strong and look after you now even if it is to pretend your happy, do it till it becomes real...Just takes time hang in there.
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