Ex-OW sort of stalking me

[smartgirl]

I have been absent from this forum for several years, but now feel I have a situation that is so unfamiliar to me that I need help. Will probably go back to therapist, but here is the basic story.

 

My H had an affair with a woman at work about 7 years ago. Our assets are tied up in the company and he can't leave and she won't. I had more or less come to grips with the fact that she continues to come to him - daily - for conversation, advice, to complain, but basically for attention. He has put as much distance between them as he can without making her freak out. I have never confronted her and generally just avoid her as much as I can.

 

This is more difficult at work-sponsored social functions. She comes to many, not all and it is her practice to expend a good deal of effort calling attention to herself. This has escalated considerably the last couple of years. Her manner of dress has gotten more revealing, her attempts to gain attention more overt and her behavior towards me more aggressive. It's this last part that has me so upset.

 

Essentially, she stalks me. She shadows me around the venue, comes up behind -- wihin a foot or so - to talk to people behind me whether she knows them or not, if I go in the other room so does she, if I go to the bathroom so does she. There was a recent party where it was so constant, her outfit so wildly inappropriate and her behavior so show-offy that even knowing how she craves attention, my H was shocked.

 

There are any number of reasons for this, none of which have anything to do with me. I've kept my distance and never caused her any trouble. "Why?" isn't really my question. I am just having difficulty dealing with the fact that I could be facing years of this. I feel like I am being harrassed and I don't know how I am going to deal with this. She is an extremely difficult and combative person and if my husband or I were to say anything to her she will deny all and possibly act out even more. She craves attention and drama, so doing nothing is actually the worst thing I could do to her.

 

I guess I'm just hoping for some words of comfort because I know in my heart there is nothing we can do to stop her. Her inner demons drive her and I am her target. I'm just feeling so depressed over this.

[GLDheart]

Hire an actress to dress and act like her for the next venue. Have the actress stalk her doing the things you just described. In the extreme absurdity of it, she may realize something... if not, atleast bring a camcorder... this would be hilarious.

[Owl]

Have your H take this matter to his boss or HR department.

 

He works for someone (and so does she) unless you're owners of it. If you're owners...then why can't you fire her for her behavior?

 

Going to him daily...unless he's her direct supervisor...is inappropriate, and should be handled in a professional manner.

 

What's stopping it from being handled that way?

[whichwayisup]

Have your H take this matter to his boss or HR department.

 

He works for someone (and so does she) unless you're owners of it. If you're owners...then why can't you fire her for her behavior?

 

Going to him daily...unless he's her direct supervisor...is inappropriate, and should be handled in a professional manner.

 

What's stopping it from being handled that way?

 

Totally agree with this.

 

Also, does your husband have to go to all those gatherings and parties?

 

Why doesn't he ignore her at work.. Walk away when she talks to him about anything personal, outside of the realm of work related issues? He is making it worse by sitting idle.

[MissBee]

Have your H take this matter to his boss or HR department.

 

He works for someone (and so does she) unless you're owners of it. If you're owners...then why can't you fire her for her behavior?

 

Going to him daily...unless he's her direct supervisor...is inappropriate, and should be handled in a professional manner.

 

What's stopping it from being handled that way?

 

I agree. If she is so inappropriate, it may be grounds for her getting fired. Her husband should indeed go to HR.

 

Smartgirl, does she only stalk you when you're at work functions with him? Or is it in your daily life as well? She does sound unhinged, but if she only does this kind of thing at work functions, then she may be able to be fired and thus out of your hair, if she doesn't bother you all outside of that.

 

I too would have confronted her like bent said and asked her in the bathroom when she followed me WTF she thinks she's doing and she'd better stop. Perhaps you aren't like that so my first recourse would be talking to your husband about her being reported for her inappropriate behavior, which reflects badly on the company and not just her.

[KathyM]

That's a terrible situation, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. First of all, I would suggest you tell your husband to put a stop to these conversations she has with him. He should put someone else in charge of supervising her, and he should let her know that she should go to this other person to seek consultation with whatever issues at work she needs to discuss, and that because of their past inappropriate relationship, it is no longer appropriate to have a close business relationship with her either, so she is to go to this other guy for advice and consultation.

 

If he is the boss, he needs to send out a memo to all staff on the importance of dressing appropriately and businesslike in the office, and hold everyone to that standard. If she fails to comply with company policy on that, she should be terminated. If your husband is not the boss, he should have a talk with HR or his boss on his position of the importance of maintaining a professional office environment, and that a dress code should be enforced, and also that someone else should be supervising her, since she is making him and his wife uncomfortable with her attention.

 

She is shadowing you for three reasons: (1) She wants to stay close to make sure you are not badmouthing her to other office personnel; and (2) she feels very competitive with you. You won the guy--she did not. She wants to be in the same line of sight than you so your husband can compare, and she thinks the comparison will be favorable to her; and (3) she does it to get under your skin. She knows you have the upper hand now with your husband, and she is the loser in this, so she is sticking it to you by flaunting herself in your face. I would suggest that the next time she shaddows you, you do not ignore her. When you go to office functions, make sure you are looking your best, being your charming friendly self to others, and when she purposely follows you, turn around to her, and with an aura of superiority, say loudly to her, "So how is that dating life of yours coming--did you meet anybody yet?" You need to put her on the spot. You need to put her in her place. You and your husband are giving her too much power over you both, and that needs to stop. Have your husband make these changes in who she reports to/seeks advice from, or if he is not the boss, then he needs to speak to whoever is and have these changes made. And you need to show you are not afraid of her, and put her in her place by making her feel unwanted/undesired by questioning her about her lack of a dating life/relationship. If she had a relationship with somebody, she wouldn't be acting this way. You need to take her down a few notches, and I suspect she will not be so inclined to try to draw your attention if it has negative consequences for her, or if it makes her feel inferior. That would be my recommendation. Good luck.

[Spark1111]

I agree with the posters who have advised you that you are both being too, too, gracious.

 

That can work with other rational people, but will never do for those that are unhinged,craving attention and competition with YOU.

 

She, like the xOW in my sitch, lived in a fantasy world that my H must still be pining away for her.

 

That let me know that he let her down waaaaaay tooo gently when he inititated NC.

 

She SHOULD report to someone else. If she continues to find a million reasons to chat with him, HE has to let her know that YOU do not appreciate that and since he LOVES and RESPECTS you, he will NO LONGER be willing to talk of ANYTHING unrelated to business.

 

If she continues to do so, he and YOU intend to report her behavior to Human Resources, even if it means disclosing the affair.

 

And, as for Miss Bee's advice, I would go one step further: I would, in a louf voice, pointedly ask her if she had FINALLY found ANY single men to date?

[frozensprouts]

my husband's ex other woman was very much like that, but she took it further...( this was even after she'd gone through several other married guys)

 

my experience was that as long as i ignored her, he just kept right on doing it, and it got worse ( she wanted a reaction, and when she didn't get one, she just stepped up the annoyances until they became more disturbing)...

 

i finally had enough, and got some legal assistance and some assistance as provided by my husbands workplace.

 

he behavior stopped.

 

( she very much fit the description of someone with histrionic personality disorder...and from what i have learned, ignoring someone like that simply doesn't work...you need to stand up to them ad let them know you won't put up with their cr@p)

 

good luck to you, and i hope things get better

[Summer Breeze]

The A was 7 years ago and there hasn't been a right time for him to untie your assets? The A was 7 years ago and he still is having conversations give her 'attention' (that's what I'm reading from your line about attention)?

 

I'd guess if she's been at this company for a long time her dress I can't imagine they haven't addressed her clothing by now if it was that inappropriate.

 

Why has your H left you in a position where anyone could 'sort of stalk' you? Why is he still working there, why are you still going to the parties, and why is he allowing her to behave that way towards you?

 

I have no idea your backstory other than what you've said here but it sounds like there are an awful lot of messy parts still hanging on after a long time. I'd have a word with her but I'd do it privately. If you start saying things out in the open be prepared for her to possibly say things you might not like. I don't air my dirty laundry in public but we're all different.

 

I think H needs to get this sorted myself. Good luck to you.

[smartgirl]

Thank you everyone for your comments and advice. I am hesitant to go into too many details about H's work situation because if the affair becomes known he will be fired immediately and we will have to forfeit a great deal of money that we are counting on. She would be fired too, but that would be of small consolation. That's why we made the decision jointly many years ago that we would continue on this path with a view towards extricating ourselves in about 5 years. The changes in the economy have extended that.

 

H has made mistakes in dealing with her and he knows it. In trying to "keep a lid on things" he allowed patterns and entitlement to bloom. It all came to a head about two years ago and he began a much more concerted effort to put distance between them. He has employed various tactics to avoid or quickly end contact and to force her to take issues to her actual boss. The fact that she still keeps coming tells you something about her personality. That plus, what she knows about him gives her incredible job security - you know what I mean. She has never made explicit threats, but the feeling of blackmail is always in the air.

 

Interestingly, her more aggressive behavior started around the time he told her that he was not comfortable with the level of contact between them and that it was disrespectful to me. So potentially, this is her reaction. KathyM has described well what I think is very much at work here. OW is younger and thinner (implants to boot) and being in the same line of site with me would very much serve her purposes. My H has said that she is highly competitive, needs to win and perhaps can't get over losing to me - especially since she thinks the superficial things are the most important. She was married at the time of the affair and had broken up her husband's previous marriage and family. I think that kind of kill makes her feel powerful. She just had a 4 year relationship end and is now firmly in her 40's with no man. That may also be making her feel a need to compete with me on looks since she has failed so miserably in the important things in life.

 

Unfortunately, reacting to her provocations also seems to make her feel powerful. I let her get my goat back at the beginning with this same kind of behavior and it became clear she gloried in it. H has said that being ignored or not noticed is the worst thing you could do to her. That's why this feels like such a trap. He finally puts the distance between them he should have all along, we react and it feeds her ego, we ignore her and she ramps up her behavior. My H's suggestion was to stay close to him at the events, but that only takes me so far.

 

I am going to think more on KathyM's points here to help me regain some confidence and footing back. I think she is doing this because she needs to feel good about herself and she needs to do it at my expense. She used to be able to compete with her husband's wife and kids and with her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. Now I guess I'm it for the moment. Still more thoughts are appreciated and thank you all again for taking the time to respond.

[Summer Breeze]

Since she too would be fired if the affair were exposed, your husband could have stopped this behavior years ago. Instead, he's been allowing it to happen . . . and feeding it.

 

I have to wonder if your husband isn't enjoying the drama and attention.

 

Exactly. There's no blackmail if both parties would suffer the same fate. Unless she doesn't care about the job she's apparently had for over 7 years. I'd think that would be a high price for her to pay.

[frozensprouts]

Since she too would be fired if the affair were exposed, your husband could have stopped this behavior years ago. Instead, he's been allowing it to happen . . . and feeding it.

 

I have to wonder if your husband isn't enjoying the drama and attention.

 

actually, depending on the HR policies of the company, she may not be at risk for losing her job...

 

in an ideal world, he would be able to quit and seek employment elsewhere, but there are some situations where someone can't just pick up and leave

 

besides, the other woman is responsible for her behavior towards the OP and her husband. Yes, they may have had an affair, but that was some time ago, and she needs to grow up and act like an adult.

[eeyore1981]

Well, the OP says she would be fired too.

 

 

 

Sure she needs to grow up . . . but he's feeding her. Why would she stop when he gives her attention?

 

Cause remember . . . the OP's husband has her convinced that he can't ignore her . . . or that will make it worse.

 

Sometimes it's not as easy to just walk away from it all. Not all companies and financial situations are the same.

 

Sure, OP could throw a hissy fit which results in both her husband and the OW getting fired, and it might even feel good in the moment, but then what?

 

I just don't happen to be a believer in the BS having to keep paying and paying and paying for what the WS and the AP have done. Her husband will not be the only one to suffer financially from this, and whether or not he deserves it, does the OP?

 

To me, this is about what the OP needs and wants, and what action she can take to get as much of that as possible.

[eeyore1981]

I think the OP should confront the woman at one of these events while her husband is not around. And not tell him she's going to do it.

 

If I were the OP, I would be very curious to know the reason WHY this woman after seven years still thinks of her as competition and goes off the deep-end when she's at events.

 

Got to be a reason.

 

BBM

 

But the OP has explained already she is not a confrontational person. IMO, judging from what's been said about the AP in this thread, this is a constant way of life for her, she's been at it for years, and will eat the OP for lunch.

 

Don't misunderstand, I think the OP is well within her rights to do this, but the reality is she doesn't have the skills to take this woman on, so for her to attempt a confrontation would be a disaster for her.

 

There has to be a solution somewhere that will work with the OP's personality.

[smartgirl]

I'm still listening and taking in various perspectives, but I have to tell you, the posts that keep hitting on the idea that my H is encouraging it in some way are off the mark and extremely unhelpful at this time. I'm not stupid, and you will just have to take me at my word that this is about her and not anything he or I have done.

 

She is acutely insecure and has a long history of initiating rivalries with other women at work, in relationships and even with her own sister. She also has a history of attaching herself to older men in positions of authority and then not letting go. Even after what she did to her ex-husband she goes to him regularly for advice, support and money -- and she believes he OWES it to her. She has implied to my husband that he owes her because they were in an intimate relationship. Even at her age she talks all the time about how she was her father's favorite. Are you seeing the pattern? She is not your average insecure woman - she is a classic spider-woman.

 

Basically I feel I am dealing with a person of uncertain emotional stability. Based on the last 7 years I believe that feeding her need for attention with conflict will encourage more of the same - because that has been the pattern. I can't change her and neither can my husband. You can't cure someone of their demons and delusions. At this point in time, I am looking for insights and encouragement that can help me distance myself emotionally from her insanity and cope at the next gathering. As cathartic as it might feel, I am not going to roll in the mud with the pigs. It makes the pig happy and I'll feel dirty.

[Spark1111]

Hmmmm...can you show up at work and start going to lunch with your H?

 

Can you send him flowers for random reasons? Can you charm the support staff?

 

My H's xOW was a former work colleague, and while they no longer work together, (he was promoted to a different office) she still found a way to break NC and visit him.

 

Now in the first office, during the affair, I was NEVER invited, naturally, because the affair was ongoing.

 

At the second office, I have visited him often and have friendly relationships with his co-workers.

 

Never underestimate the importance of having female allies in the workplace. When she waltzed in and tried to commandeer his time, they ran interference even though they knew nothing of the affair.

 

One woman even told him: Stay away from that one. Something is really off with her. His response, "I'm trying."

 

My H even went to his boss and told him that he had betrayed his family, that I had forgiven him, and that he was grateful.

 

He never mentioned a name, but he felt it was important to let his boss know something IF their was a splashback.

 

Good luck. I too was stalked. I ignored it. I called her eventually and told her to back off. I told her every woman in that workplace knew of and sensed the inappropriateness of their relationship and to be very careful here as they both could lose their jobs.

 

Haven't heard from her since.

[Emme]

Something can always be done. The question is what are you willing to sacrifice.

 

It seems like this situation should have been handled the moment the affair ended. It should have been discussed what will happen versus letting this women dictate what's going to happen. Her "stalking" isn't new. It's old. For whatever reason it wasn't handled. The time has come where the running from her has to stop. Seven years this affair happened and it's continuing to destroy your being. It's time to stand firm. No more running.

 

I understand you don't want to get messy. From time to time in life you have to get messy. Just envision it as a spa treatment. Your husband didn't do his job. It's time you stood up and did it for him. Every man and woman knows how to put someone in their place. Be aggressive.

 

Your assets are tied into the company. What would the cost be of you guys walking away. It's time you really figure out a game plan. Coping with this situation is in no way healthy for you. If your husband has to learn how to give someone the silent treatment unless it's work related, teach him. You need a plan.

[KathyM]

BBM

 

But the OP has explained already she is not a confrontational person. IMO, judging from what's been said about the AP in this thread, this is a constant way of life for her, she's been at it for years, and will eat the OP for lunch.

 

Don't misunderstand, I think the OP is well within her rights to do this, but the reality is she doesn't have the skills to take this woman on, so for her to attempt a confrontation would be a disaster for her.

 

There has to be a solution somewhere that will work with the OP's personality.

I think you stand up to these types of people the way you would stand up to a bully. If you remain silent, the bully will continue the abuse and in fact get worse, just like what Frozensprouts had happen in her situation. If you take the bully down a notch, and make it uncomfortable for him to continue the abuse, he backs off. That is why the OP needs to stand up to this woman and put her in her place. This OW does not want to be humiliated, but she is in fact humiliating the OP. I don't believe the OW will say something to disclose the affair, or it will jeopardize her job and her reputation in the company. But something has to be said to her to get her to back off. That's why I suggested making a comment about her dating life, or lack thereof. Just enough to get her to back off, when she sees it's having the opposite effect than what she wanted.

[turnera]

Get hold of an old Polaroid camera and fill it with film. The next time an event occurs, carry it around on your neck. Each time she comes up behind you, turn around, smile, and say 'smile for the camera!' and take her picture. Pull out the picture and hand it to her. Or hand it to someone else. Or pin them up in the work lunchroom. People will start talking about why it's happening. Won't be so much fun, then.

[eeyore1981]

I think you stand up to these types of people the way you would stand up to a bully. If you remain silent, the bully will continue the abuse and in fact get worse, just like what Frozensprouts had happen in her situation. If you take the bully down a notch, and make it uncomfortable for him to continue the abuse, he backs off. That is why the OP needs to stand up to this woman and put her in her place. This OW does not want to be humiliated, but she is in fact humiliating the OP. I don't believe the OW will say something to disclose the affair, or it will jeopardize her job and her reputation in the company. But something has to be said to her to get her to back off. That's why I suggested making a comment about her dating life, or lack thereof. Just enough to get her to back off, when she sees it's having the opposite effect than what she wanted.

 

I disagree. Bullies don't always run home crying to mama when someone stands up to them, they are just as likely to become more aggressive.

 

So OP asks AP about her dating life, and AP responds with, "Your husband doesn't like me to date other men." Then what?

 

IMO, AP is going to have a lot more painful ammunition to throw at OP than vice-versa, and IMO, OP has made it perfectly clear this is not the way her personality is. There's nothing wrong with that. I am confrontational, and can be snarky and downright cruel at times when I get angry, so I do my best to avoid situations where I must remain calm no matter the provocation. I give OP kudos for knowing herself so well.

[KathyM]

I disagree. Bullies don't always run home crying to mama when someone stands up to them, they are just as likely to become more aggressive.

 

So OP asks AP about her dating life, and AP responds with, "Your husband doesn't like me to date other men." Then what?

 

IMO, AP is going to have a lot more painful ammunition to throw at OP than vice-versa, and IMO, OP has made it perfectly clear this is not the way her personality is. There's nothing wrong with that. I am confrontational, and can be snarky and downright cruel at times when I get angry, so I do my best to avoid situations where I must remain calm no matter the provocation. I give OP kudos for knowing herself so well.

The OW is not going to say that. She doesn't want the affair disclosed, or it will cost her her job. Most bullies do back down when it becomes uncomfortable for them to continue. I'm just suggesting the OP make it a bit uncomfortable for her to continue the intimidation. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. Frozensprouts' case is a prime example of that--ignoring it only escalated the intimidation. I'm not a confrontational person either, but I sure as heck wouldn't let some two bit whore intimidate me in front of my husband and the rest of the office without attempting to take her down a peg. Alternatively, she could try to get a restraining order against this woman that would deter her from talking to the husband, and deter her from following around the wife. And then she and her husband could take pictures with a cellphone of any violations. That may be hard to enforce, however, since they do work together, but it might be worth looking into.

[eeyore1981]

The OW is not going to say that. She doesn't want the affair disclosed, or it will cost her her job. Most bullies do back down when it becomes uncomfortable for them to continue. I'm just suggesting the OP make it a bit uncomfortable for her to continue the intimidation. Ignoring it is not going to make it go away. Frozensprouts' case is a prime example of that--ignoring it only escalated the intimidation. I'm not a confrontational person either, but I sure as heck wouldn't let some two bit whore intimidate me in front of my husband and the rest of the office without attempting to take her down a peg. Alternatively, she could try to get a restraining order against this woman that would deter her from talking to the husband, and deter her from following around the wife. And then she and her husband could take pictures with a cellphone of any violations. That may be hard to enforce, however, since they do work together, but it might be worth looking into.

 

I don't think you can get a restraining order for this, but it's a nice thought.

 

As far as the OW won't say that, it will cost her job....Well, the OP knows the situation best, and I guess it's up to her to decide if it's worth the risk of her husband losing his job, too.

 

Smartgirl, I'm not saying suck it up and let OW get away with this, I'm just saying I'm sorry you're in this situation, and I get how difficult this is to try to figure out. The only advice I really have is for your husband to do everything in his power to get away from this workplace and find another job as soon as it is reasonably possible.

[InJest]

Don't confront her outwardly or aggressively. Just talk to her when she follows you around. Ask her if she's found a man that wants to keep her yet, and smirk a little. Make it clear that you're over the affair and you're not threatened by her, by putting her on the spot. She can say whatever she wants about the affair, but she lost and she knows it.

 

Also, is there any way for her to actually prove the affair?

[frozensprouts]

she does sound very similar to my husband's ex other woman, and the problem with people like that is that they don't follow the rule of logic that usually be effective.

Ignoring someone like that simply doesn't work. The one thing that worked for me was letting her know that while I had way too much dignity to confront her in a public way, i was not going to put up with her cr@p, and that if she didn't stop, she'd face some pretty serious consequences.

 

The thing is that in doing so, I had to accept that my husband would also have to face some consequences as well, and it became a decision of balancing those consequences against finally getting her out of my ( and my chldren's ) lives.

 

In the end, it was well worth it.