TrebleClef Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) I've been crying all morning and I'm shaking in disbelieve as I type this. I have NOONE to talk to about this and I'm trying my best not to run to my parents. I'm still in between counseling sessions due to being a cash patient. After the incident with him saying I'm so quick to call him a liar and him in turn accusing me of lying about something extremely serious, he text me early the next day saying "we need to talk". I said ok, when. He said whenever, let him know when I was available. I had time right then so I said "now's good". He said he was busy right now. The entire day went w/him putting me off and giving excuses like: "I have to go to a notary" and "I'm in line at the store". He made it to my house after midnight to talk! SMH. We really did talk, he did most of the talking, things were aired but we both knew we had a long way to go.....then the following morning (no there was no intimacy) we get into heated debate. He walks away/ignores me if I ask too many questions or if I talk truths that he doesn't like or want to discuss. I had had enough of him ignoring me/walking away so I followed him. I told him his walking away/ignoring me like that is BS and if he leaves to keep his A** away! He's looking down and digging in his bag, never looking at me so I kept lifting his head up to look at me. I felt like he was disregarding me or non-verbally saying "you're not important to me". He said he had to leave and told me not to touch him anymore. He said he'd come back and talk if that's what I wanted but right now he's leaving. I said I wanted to talk now. He left. Later, I called, he didn't answer so I left him a msg apologizing for HOW I said the things I said. He didn't respond. This morn I asked him were we still together. He said no. I asked why, I cried, I pleaded. He said when he came over to talk to me he wanted to get our lives in sync and start a relationship together. He said after I put my hands on him he realized that I'm not the woman for him. He said I put him in a situation where he couldn't defend himself. I didn't realize lifting his head up was putting my hands on him. I thought putting hands on someone constitutes hitting? He said he's not trying to make me upset or wanting me to beg him and said there was no need for me to keep calling/texting him because me putting my hands on him was it and he's going on with his life and suggests I do the same. So now, since I lifted his head up (I've NEVER hit him, pushed him, barred up to him...nothing) I'm suddenly NOT the woman for him and all his love for me is depleted? Edited July 5, 2012 by TrebleClef
whichwayisup Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 This morn I asked him were we still together. He said no. I asked why, I cried, I pleaded. He said when he came over to talk to me he wanted to get our lives in sync and start a relationship together. He said after I put my hands on him he realized that I'm not the woman for him. He said I put him in a situation where he couldn't defend himself. I didn't realize lifting his head up was putting my hands on him. He told me that there was no need to continue to call/text him and that putting my hands on him was it and he's going on with his life and suggests I do the same. So now, since I lifted his head up (I've NEVER hit him, pushed him, barred up to him...nothing) I'm suddenly NOT the woman for him and all his love for me is depleted? He used that as his out, the excuse to totally end things and make you look like the bad guy. The thing is, it's been over for a long time but he hasn't had the balls to actually end it, and neither have you. Let him go. Don't fight or chase someone who doesn't want to be chased. Believe him when he says it's over. The way he treated you, dissed you, ignored you, all show you that he is no interested anymore. Sorry, I know you're hurting but the best thing you can do is grieve the loss, and never look back. 11
Author TrebleClef Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 He used that as his out, the excuse to totally end things and make you look like the bad guy. The thing is, it's been over for a long time but he hasn't had the balls to actually end it, and neither have you. Let him go. Don't fight or chase someone who doesn't want to be chased. Believe him when he says it's over. The way he treated you, dissed you, ignored you, all show you that he is no interested anymore. Sorry, I know you're hurting but the best thing you can do is grieve the loss, and never look back. Thanks "whichwayisup". This is going to be hard. I still can't believe it. When you say "neither of us had the nerve (since I'm all woman and DO NOT have testicles) to end things" I didn't think it was over nor did I want it to be over that's why *I* never ended it ended it. I just wanted his lies, manipulation, and ignoring me to stop. One minute we're talking trying to sort things and the next he's telling me to stop calling/texting and I'm not the woman for him afterall. All beecause I lifted his head up for him to look at me? We were headed in the right direction I thought. During our last talk he told me he wanted us to be together (he's divorced for real BTW) and although I was surprised to hear him say it I was starting to mull it over. As I said we both knew there were tons of issues and a fairytale ending this WOULD NOT be but he had me sold on us trying to be together legitimately. Then...in a heated debate, I lift his head up, he says I put my hands on him, I'm not the woman for him, stop crying, calling and texting and move on with my life. o_O
dreamingoftigers Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 My husband used to pull this one on me too "I was so hopeful until you [did something insignificant]." Let this one go. Do not respond when he initiates contact. He will. Do not respond. 2
Author TrebleClef Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 My husband used to pull this one on me too "I was so hopeful until you [did something insignificant]." Let this one go. Do not respond when he initiates contact. He will. Do not respond. Thanks "dreamingoftigers" I felt like it was an excuse but I guess I needed for someone else outside looking in to type it. IDK about him initiating contact. I can't see that happening. He was adament. He told me he's going on with his life and suggested I do the same. He has NEVER told me that before. He's told me "I'm done with you", "take care", "that's it, no more" but never "stop calling/texting me and stop crying; I thought you were the woman for me but you're not". AND I have never lifted up his head for him to look at me. It was festered anger from all the times he'd walk away from me and ignore me when I was talking to him. I guess I lifted his head up harder than I thought. *sigh* 1
Quiet Storm Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 It's called deflection. It's a common defense mechanism. Instead of owning up to his issues, he has turned the tables so that the focus is on you and whatever "horrible" thing that you did. It keeps the focus off of him, and puts you in defense mode. It's working. Stop begging & pleading. Stop blaming yourself. Try to recognize the manipulation and don't allow yourself to get pulled into it. Deflection is how manipulative people train others to not hold them accountable. If you end up with him, you'll end up stuffing your feelings, biting your tongue and accepting bad behavior, just to keep the peace. You deserve better than that. 7
Author TrebleClef Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 (edited) He used that as his out, the excuse to totally end things and make you look like the bad guy. The thing is, it's been over for a long time but he hasn't had the balls to actually end it, and neither have you. Let him go. Don't fight or chase someone who doesn't want to be chased. Believe him when he says it's over. The way he treated you, dissed you, ignored you, all show you that he is no interested anymore. Sorry, I know you're hurting but the best thing you can do is grieve the loss, and never look back. How can he jump from "I want to start a relationship with you, you're the woman for me" to "you're not the woman for me like I thought" because I lifted his head up to look @ me? I'm having a hard time. I know I should be counting my blessings but its so hard to wrap my brain around this. I guess I got used to him dumping me and then popping back. To know that won't be happening ever again is making my head spin! I wish I can move on with ease like he has....so quickly....so soon. Edited July 6, 2012 by TrebleClef typo
dreamingoftigers Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Whoa, whoa, whoa fuzzy boundaries, lack of clarity: Books for you: 1. Boundaries; by Cloud and Townshend 2. Women who love too much 3. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it 4. Anything by Gottman 5. And just for fun: Divorce Remedy 6. And How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk 7. How to Break Your Addiction to a Person Enjoy your relationship post-mordem; you'll be much better prepped for the next dating round. I know this sucks, but use the opportunity to make it unsung for you next time. It'll also help you keep busy and when you go through the breakup pain you can keep it in context. Yay! Read some, read all. Reject morons left and right! All without shouldering the blame like you are doing now. 1
skywriter Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 TrebleClef, You may not realise it now. I know it took me a long time to figure it all out. The heart confuses the brain hen it comes to his type of manipulation. My ex-H and my exMM were similar to your guy. You have been spared having to walk on egg shells because conflict avoiders are masters at the craft of manipulating situations and turning them around on tou. It's frightening once you have time to sit back and rethink situations in your mind. Suddenly it begins to become clear, that we believed it was us and not them. They knew all along what they were doing and this is how they "loved' us all along. If you wanna be a puppet, he's your guy.
sad puppy Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 "reject morons left and right"!!!!!! Our new mantra - for everybody! How bout it? Let's use this empowering statement as fuel to get away from selfish and manipulative dudes! Love that statement, haha! 3
Author TrebleClef Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Whoa, whoa, whoa fuzzy boundaries, lack of clarity: Books for you: 1. Boundaries; by Cloud and Townshend 2. Women who love too much 3. How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it 4. Anything by Gottman 5. And just for fun: Divorce Remedy 6. And How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk 7. How to Break Your Addiction to a Person Enjoy your relationship post-mordem; you'll be much better prepped for the next dating round. I know this sucks, but use the opportunity to make it unsung for you next time. It'll also help you keep busy and when you go through the breakup pain you can keep it in context. Yay! Read some, read all. Reject morons left and right! All without shouldering the blame like you are doing now. I'm sorry "dreamingoftigers" do you mean I've GIVEN fuzzy boundaries and lack of clarity or I HAVE fuzzy boundaries and lack of clarity? Thank you for the book suggestions. I'll take heed. I need any and everything right now to assist me. And believe me I'm extremely busy as my schedule is OVERbooked. But right now whatever move I make that scene replays in my head and I think about him. Do you know I was actually trying to remember if I used force when I lifted his head? I was thinking "gosh, DID I use force?" I must've because he said "I went through mental abuse with my ex, I won't go through physical abuse with you". I was like: PHYSICAL ABUSE?!?! WHAT?!?!
Author TrebleClef Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 TrebleClef, You may not realise it now. I know it took me a long time to figure it all out. The heart confuses the brain hen it comes to his type of manipulation. My ex-H and my exMM were similar to your guy. You have been spared having to walk on egg shells because conflict avoiders are masters at the craft of manipulating situations and turning them around on tou. It's frightening once you have time to sit back and rethink situations in your mind. Suddenly it begins to become clear, that we believed it was us and not them. They knew all along what they were doing and this is how they "loved' us all along. If you wanna be a puppet, he's your guy. Thx "skywriter". When I sit and think about it...yes, you're right. I'm naturally quiet and reserved as it is and all the times he'd walk away/ignore me were bottled up and this last time was just too much and I wasn't about to let him get away with it for the millionth time. It was festered anger. That's why I was thinking "dang, maybe I DID use force when I lifted his head". I know I didn't, but I was trying to make his sudden change of heart and reasoning legitimate. Me being "puppet" huh? I definitely have a looonnngg way to go. I'm still thinking he's "my guy". So, that confirms I have a looonngg way to go. I thought "YES, he's divorced for real and finally he's going to be with ME, he finally said it and was trying to put it into action. I'm the one he should've been with years ago, back in college, before all the others....HE said this to me then and now. Then out came the lies, manipulation and dumping me then popping back. Again, knowing that this is truly it and his reason for making it truly "it" has thrown me tremendously.
scatterd Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I'm sure you are not the only one he has done this with.Think about it how would you like to go through this every time their is a disagreement.It is so much easier to ignore and walk away then to have to talk about what hes avoiding.Its a one way conversation and it get more aggravating the longer you have to put up with it. After years of doing it his wife she is called a mental abuser and what is that hes doing? it seems maybe their is two sides to the story now.Good thing your getting away. 2
alexandria35 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Treble, it's quite obvious that this guy is a manipulative emotionally abusive ass. So what? What are your going to do about it? Change him? Turn him into a prince? He's been married and divorced three times, had affairs and he's a prick. He's always been prick and he's always going to be a prick. Just like you can count on the sun rising in the morning you can count on him being a prick. So the problem isn't really him. Oh he's got problems but you know what he is and what he does, so why do you keep going back again and again for more and more of the same? You are doing this to yourself. You chase him around trying to make him hear you, look at you. You beg and plead. You cry and throw fits. He has you performing like his personal little trained seal and you are the one creating all of this drama in your own life by playing along with all the mindf**k games this guy has going on. How long has this been going on and how old are you? This guy is hopeless and he's never going to change. He's had three marriages where he could have changed and got it right, instead he used his three marriages to perfect his manipulative deceitful tactics and he is never going to be a good partner to anyone, ever. Stop using him as way to avoid your own life and your own issues. What will you do when you don't have him to blame for your unhappiness (because obvioulsy no woman could be happy with this guy) and you have to be alone and take responsibility for your own life? 5
Author TrebleClef Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Treble, it's quite obvious that this guy is a manipulative emotionally abusive ass. So what? What are your going to do about it? Change him? Turn him into a prince? He's been married and divorced three times, had affairs and he's a prick. He's always been prick and he's always going to be a prick. Just like you can count on the sun rising in the morning you can count on him being a prick. So the problem isn't really him. Oh he's got problems but you know what he is and what he does, so why do you keep going back again and again for more and more of the same? You are doing this to yourself. You chase him around trying to make him hear you, look at you. You beg and plead. You cry and throw fits. He has you performing like his personal little trained seal and you are the one creating all of this drama in your own life by playing along with all the mindf**k games this guy has going on. How long has this been going on and how old are you? This guy is hopeless and he's never going to change. He's had three marriages where he could have changed and got it right, instead he used his three marriages to perfect his manipulative deceitful tactics and he is never going to be a good partner to anyone, ever. Stop using him as way to avoid your own life and your own issues. What will you do when you don't have him to blame for your unhappiness (because obvioulsy no woman could be happy with this guy) and you have to be alone and take responsibility for your own life? Wow "alexandria 35" I never looked at it from that perspective. After reading this I'm embarrassed. You, and all the others are right. That saying "truth hurts" is right on the money! This month was the 2 year mark for our sorted mess. We dated in and after college (I was a sophmore, he, a grad student) for 4 years. I've never cried and pleaded with him before. That was a first. I wanted so badly for this to work and for him to merit more of me than girlfriend or OW. I thought he found me/came back for a reason. I thought his love for me was real. He's the only man I "know". Another reason (IMO) I kept trying to force this. And, as crazy as I sound, I genuinely love him. My love didn't disappear as his seemed to have. When he truthfully divorced, then said I was the woman for him, etc. I knew we had tons to work on but I was thinking maybe it just might work because it was something I wanted and something he convinced me HE wanted. I'm not blaming him for my unhappiness. I'm unhappy and hurt because he accused me of lying (when he is the liar..I've never lied to him) and putting my hands on him (when all i did was repeatedly lift his head up). I'm unhappy/hurt because one minute I'm the woman for him, he's soooo in love with me and the next I'm not after all and now I'm an "abuser" and I "put my hands on him". WTH???!!
dreamingoftigers Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Oh jeez, I didn't catch all of that background. Honey, c'mon. He's waving more red flags than a Soviet Parade. Start your post-mordem there: Why did I believe that a thrice-divorced serial adulterer who has done zero work on these issues and avoids conflict was "the man for me?" And how can I avoid this in the future. For myself: if my husband does the walk-out game again, he better have a really nice backpack on, because I am locking that door. It isnt MEAN. it is actually respecting his choices. He can't expect me to understand that "he really wants to me (fill in the blank)" if ge can't articulate what he wants like a grown-ass man. If things are getting to heated, he can say "this is getting too much for me right now, we can discuss it tomorrow at xxx time" ( not to confuse xxx time with porn time) Would you walk out on your friends or boss? Not likely, you'd shoot straight. Plenty of people have more respect for the 7-11 clerk then themselves or their partner. (not that I claim innocence on that frOnt historically) 1
Author TrebleClef Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Oh jeez, I didn't catch all of that background. Honey, c'mon. He's waving more red flags than a Soviet Parade. Start your post-mordem there: Why did I believe that a thrice-divorced serial adulterer who has done zero work on these issues and avoids conflict was "the man for me?" And how can I avoid this in the future. For myself: if my husband does the walk-out game again, he better have a really nice backpack on, because I am locking that door. It isnt MEAN. it is actually respecting his choices. He can't expect me to understand that "he really wants to me (fill in the blank)" if ge can't articulate what he wants like a grown-ass man. If things are getting to heated, he can say "this is getting too much for me right now, we can discuss it tomorrow at xxx time" ( not to confuse xxx time with porn time) Would you walk out on your friends or boss? Not likely, you'd shoot straight. Plenty of people have more respect for the 7-11 clerk then themselves or their partner. (not that I claim innocence on that frOnt historically) Others on LS said that he's a serial adulterer. He told me this was the first time he'd ever done anything like this (after he revealed he was not actually divorced yet and the other lies came out). I've never been in a situation like this in my life. Still shocked that this is actually me going through this. Again, I was trying to make it right I was trying to make him merit more of me. I was trying to make his "I love you's" true and real. And they weren't and aren't. Thus the sudden change and using ANY and every excuse (I put my hands on him) to get out. Still hurts like hell. I'll be glad when I can stop crying.
dreamingoftigers Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 The confusion causes a ton of anguish in situations like these. It makes the grief harder to work through because you can't clearly delineate between where the white knight ended and the ******* began. On one hand part of your brain is firing to chase him down and get that love-rush that so many serial cheaters have figured out how to trigger. On the other hand another part of you is fighting for self-preservation. Just feels empty and like the pain won't end. But it DOES. This is kind of your brain's way of taking out the trash and healing, it needs to do some heavy haulaway and reorganization. This means you do too. Just like any big job it takes some time and feels really heavy at first, then the relief comes with the progress. Go for some hikes. I found it incredibly therapeutic. How long were you together? 2
Flabbergaster Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 xMM chiming in. Your descriptions of this guy trigger SO many red flags. But that's not what you need to hear now, because it's too fresh to hear logic. I'm sorry that you got hurt so badly. This is an awful feeling, and the fact that you have to learn he is really a jerk (more than you thought) makes it worse. Give yourself a hug from us. Make your pro/con list for him. Notice how it lands very heavy on con. Decide to break up with him. You have enough reasons that you should have, right? Assume he's just playing manipulation games and break up with him for real. Send him a curt note to the effect of "the relationship i have had with you is emotionally damaging to me. This relationship is over, I no longer wish to have communication with you." Next...do NOT answer the phone or read anything he sends you (this part is hard). Do this and YOU are taking control. You are breaking up with him. There is a difference. You'll stop waiting for him to call, you won't be as vulnerable if he does. Next steps -find the thread about rules of NC. i've reposted links to it in the past, iirc -get the ice cream. not EVERY day, but one (small) container is definitely ok. -put away the booze. alcohol will delay processing the pain, and can find so many other problems -start exercising (ramp up if you already do), even if just a fast walk every day -stop listening to music...it's all sad right now -pick up a hobby that you always wanted to try. Origami? Finger painting? Something. -unplug your phone when you don't expect calls. if it's turned off you won't obsess as much -consider telling your mother, or at least a friend or three. making this less of a secret will make you less likely to fall for his bs again. Also it will help you release shame that this is a secret pain. I would also suggest that you stay away from men for a bit. Because the vultures...we can smell the fresh blood of your wounds a mile away, we know that you're vulnerable. Circle a date on calendar "no dates or free drinks from guys before this day." Try to heal over this loss, and then figure out why you were vulnerable to him. Work on you.
Author TrebleClef Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 The confusion causes a ton of anguish in situations like these. It makes the grief harder to work through because you can't clearly delineate between where the white knight ended and the ******* began. On one hand part of your brain is firing to chase him down and get that love-rush that so many serial cheaters have figured out how to trigger. On the other hand another part of you is fighting for self-preservation. Just feels empty and like the pain won't end. But it DOES. This is kind of your brain's way of taking out the trash and healing, it needs to do some heavy haulaway and reorganization. This means you do too. Just like any big job it takes some time and feels really heavy at first, then the relief comes with the progress. Go for some hikes. I found it incredibly therapeutic. How long were you together? Thx "dreamingoftigers". Confusion is another great word to use to describe this mess. Again, my schedule is overbooked and I'm accepting any and everything right now trying to keep busy! And I despise last minute things, invites, ideas and/or events but I have to do it if I want to remain sane. Sitting at home right now will NOT work! I was at an outing tonight and was hardly paying attention due to thinking about him and replaying his antics in my head. I saw one of my relatives with his wife and he was holding her hand. They appeared to be happy, in love, etc. and I felt the tears well up in my eyes, but I stopped them. It's a shame!!! I'm pitiful!!! This month marked 2 years of us being together. He found me in '09 but it was email and IM only. Then he disappeared and emailed me again (out of nowhere) in '10. We dated a little over 4 years in and post college.
Author TrebleClef Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 xMM chiming in. Your descriptions of this guy trigger SO many red flags. But that's not what you need to hear now, because it's too fresh to hear logic. I'm sorry that you got hurt so badly. This is an awful feeling, and the fact that you have to learn he is really a jerk (more than you thought) makes it worse. Give yourself a hug from us. Make your pro/con list for him. Notice how it lands very heavy on con. Decide to break up with him. You have enough reasons that you should have, right? Assume he's just playing manipulation games and break up with him for real. Send him a curt note to the effect of "the relationship i have had with you is emotionally damaging to me. This relationship is over, I no longer wish to have communication with you." Next...do NOT answer the phone or read anything he sends you (this part is hard). Do this and YOU are taking control. You are breaking up with him. There is a difference. You'll stop waiting for him to call, you won't be as vulnerable if he does. Next steps -find the thread about rules of NC. i've reposted links to it in the past, iirc -get the ice cream. not EVERY day, but one (small) container is definitely ok. -put away the booze. alcohol will delay processing the pain, and can find so many other problems -start exercising (ramp up if you already do), even if just a fast walk every day -stop listening to music...it's all sad right now -pick up a hobby that you always wanted to try. Origami? Finger painting? Something. -unplug your phone when you don't expect calls. if it's turned off you won't obsess as much -consider telling your mother, or at least a friend or three. making this less of a secret will make you less likely to fall for his bs again. Also it will help you release shame that this is a secret pain. I would also suggest that you stay away from men for a bit. Because the vultures...we can smell the fresh blood of your wounds a mile away, we know that you're vulnerable. Circle a date on calendar "no dates or free drinks from guys before this day." Try to heal over this loss, and then figure out why you were vulnerable to him. Work on you. Wow, thx "flabbergaster"! This was most enlightening! Oh GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, you don't have to worry about me staying away from men!! Not interested AT ALL!! I'll search for the NC rules thread, however, this man was very adament about moving on with his life and suggesting I do the same. He was also stuck on that "you put your hands on me, that's it" spiel as well. This has never happened. This time was totally different from all the other times he's dumped me, left then popped back. I can't see him trying his 'come back' MO any longer. He told me to stop crying, calling and texting him. He has never told me that either. I went from the woman for him to not so much all because I lifted his head up to look at me. Suddenly, I'm a physical abuser and that's "it". -I don't drink so "putting away the booze" is a cinch. (LOL) -Revving up my workout is a good idea, I'm on it! -As a musician it's hard to turn off my music completely, but I get where you're coming from. Every song reminds me of him right now. We'd duet often. He had a pretty good voice -I've been leaving my phone in the kitchen or other rooms away from my bedroom. I used to sleep with it right next to me....so I wouldn't miss his call/text/email. SMH -Now, telling parents...hmmm. Ask LS about me and my parents (LOL)! I'm an only child. I've been trying to NOT run to them due to them being so overprotective and overinvolved in my life. They know him, know about him and knew that we were dating again but have no clue about the WHOLE story. But at the same time they would tell me "girl, he has an ex-wife, gf or something that he's still involved with...let him alone!" So, maybe they DID know the whole story. They (esp. mom) couldn't STAND me re-kindling with him. They couldn't stand him in college either. They always said he was too "fast" for me, then and now. He's the only man I "know". Ea time he'd dump me/pop back I'd always "run" to them (parents) and tell. I know if I told them this latest they wouldn't ridicule me or demean me but I know there'd be the "I told you" and "why didn't you listen to us in the first place?" and a lot of overreacting as well. I have shared this with one sorority sister and a cousin that I'm very close to. I was too ashamed to tell them about me being an OW (unbeknownst to me, initially).
Author TrebleClef Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Wow "alexandria 35" I never looked at it from that perspective. After reading this I'm embarrassed. You, and all the others are right. That saying "truth hurts" is right on the money! This month was the 2 year mark for our sorted mess. We dated in and after college (I was a sophmore, he, a grad student) for 4 years. I've never cried and pleaded with him before. That was a first. I wanted so badly for this to work and for him to merit more of me than girlfriend or OW. I thought he found me/came back for a reason. I thought his love for me was real. He's the only man I "know". Another reason (IMO) I kept trying to force this. And, as crazy as I sound, I genuinely love him. My love didn't disappear as his seemed to have. When he truthfully divorced, then said I was the woman for him, etc. I knew we had tons to work on but I was thinking maybe it just might work because it was something I wanted and something he convinced me HE wanted. I'm not blaming him for my unhappiness. I'm unhappy and hurt because he accused me of lying (when he is the liar..I've never lied to him) and putting my hands on him (when all i did was repeatedly lift his head up). I'm unhappy/hurt because one minute I'm the woman for him, he's soooo in love with me and the next I'm not after all and now I'm an "abuser" and I "put my hands on him". WTH???!! HELP!!! I want to call him, I want to try to get him to listen to reason again. I want to see if he still feels so adament about dumping me and moving on w/his life. Because I know me....I've deleted any and all contact for him, pictures, texts and emails but I have the strong urge. I want him to call me so badly. I still drive up to my driveway hoping he's sitting in the driveway, waiting on me (like he's done a million times when he's dumped me b4). I was with him when he purchased a new vehicle. Now I see that particular vehicle everywhere I go! I follow it with my eyes, wondering if that's him. I'm losing it!!! Why?!?! UGH!! HELP!! Not a good day for me. Hasnt been a 'good day' all week!!!! I want to know why, why, why has he turned on me so suddenly like that?
Author TrebleClef Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Wow "alexandria 35" I never looked at it from that perspective. After reading this I'm embarrassed. You, and all the others are right. That saying "truth hurts" is right on the money! This month was the 2 year mark for our sorted mess. We dated in and after college (I was a sophmore, he, a grad student) for 4 years. I've never cried and pleaded with him before. That was a first. I wanted so badly for this to work and for him to merit more of me than girlfriend or OW. I thought he found me/came back for a reason. I thought his love for me was real. He's the only man I "know". Another reason (IMO) I kept trying to force this. And, as crazy as I sound, I genuinely love him. My love didn't disappear as his seemed to have. When he truthfully divorced, then said I was the woman for him, etc. I knew we had tons to work on but I was thinking maybe it just might work because it was something I wanted and something he convinced me HE wanted. I'm not blaming him for my unhappiness. I'm unhappy and hurt because he accused me of lying (when he is the liar..I've never lied to him) and putting my hands on him (when all i did was repeatedly lift his head up). I'm unhappy/hurt because one minute I'm the woman for him, he's soooo in love with me and the next I'm not after all and now I'm an "abuser" and I "put my hands on him". WTH???!! HELP!!! I want to call him, I want to try to get him to listen to reason again. I want to see if he still feels so adament about dumping me and moving on w/his life. Because I know me....I've deleted any and all contact for him, pictures, texts and emails but I have the strong urge. I want him to call me so badly. I still drive up to my driveway hoping he's sitting in the driveway, waiting on me (like he's done a million times when he's dumped me b4). I was with him when he purchased a new vehicle. Now I see that particular vehicle everywhere I go! I follow it with my eyes, wondering if that's him. I'm losing it!!! Why?!?! UGH!! HELP!! Not a good day for me. Hasnt been a 'good day' all week!!!! I want to know why, why, why has he turned on me so suddenly like that?
skywriter Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 (edited) TrebleClef, I don't know if this will benefit you,but it seemed to help me. I'd write my exMM emails. Only, I'd send them to myself. I'd just let out whatever I was feeling and then go back and read it periodically. It was a good way to see where I was at that time and also to see how I progressed. It also served as a reminder of the pain that I inflicted upon myself for making the choice to be with such a person as him. I want to know why, why, why has he turned on me so suddenly like that? Please don't turn on yourself, by letting his manipulative mind f*#k ,work on you. You are much smarter than that. Just hang on, this too shall pass. Edited July 10, 2012 by skywriter to add
alexandria35 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 Treble, I've had to go no contact with someone I've been absolutely addicted to before so I know how hard this is, but if you ride it out you will get through it. Make a list of every rotten thing this guy has ever done to you. Then whenever you feel like you can't get through another moment without contacting him, read what you have written and remember how horrible and how bad he has made you feel. Also distract yourself as much as you can. I know it's hard to go out and have fun when you're going through this but it can help to distract you enough until the urges pass. Moping around the house thinking about him 24/7 is the worst. When I said you blame him for your unhappiness what I meant was it sounds like you are unhappy much of the time with him and that's usually because of how he treats you. This is a common thing that women do. They hook up with some guy that treats them crappy and then they put all of their attention and focus on believing he's going to magically change or trying to make him change. They go "oh if only my bf would stop doing A,B and C and instead did X,Y and Z. Then I could really be happy. Why won't he change and make me happy?" The problem with this is that then you have no control over your own happiness. You have laid it in someone elses hands and you expect them to change to please you. Your bf is an abusive ass. It's not against the law to be an ass. He has a right to be an ass and he never has to change if he doesn't want to and I'd say he doesn't want to. So what are you going to do about it? Are you going to keep handing him heart and telling him to take care of it although he has proven time and time again that he won't? Or are you going to take control of yourself, realize he's just a waste of your air and then go out into the world and make yourself happy?
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