landola Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I'm in my 40s and divorced. Met a guy I really like--this is the farthest any relationship has progressed since my divorce. Have lots in common, feel good around him, he's sweet to me, generally enjoy his company, and basically he meets all my criteria. He has ended a long marriage in a similar time frame to me. However. After we'd gone 5 or 6 times, we shared some personal stuff. He told me that he had cheated on his wife during their marriage--12 years earlier. I had kind of seen that coming so it didn't bother me too much, though it is a new thing to contemplate for me so I wanted to keep it in mind. Then, after a couple more dates, he told me more about this affair. It happened when he was in his mid/late 30s, and the girl was 18, an older sibling of one of his kid's friends. It was initiated by the girl, and at first he resisted, but then entered into it. It went on for a year. It ended, his wife found out about it, the girl's mother found out about it, he told his kids/mother about it, and there were apologies all around, from him to the girl's mother, from the girl to his wife, etc. Other circumstances: his wife was a woman several years older than him who he was madly in love with, but did not love him as much, and this was an ongoing source of pain. His dad was also dying at the time. He and his wife stayed together for a long time after that. They went to therapy and started things anew, with success. Later his wife had a serious illness and after she recovered she told him she wanted a divorce. So: this is obviously not what I was expecting to hear. And I would generally judge someone harshly who did something like this. No matter how sure an 18 year old is that they want this type of experience, and no matter how mature they seem, they don't really understand the implications and an older person should know that. He told me this because he wanted to be honest with me and tell me who he is. He said it was ten years ago, that he is a different person now, that he never cheated again and that he will not cheat now. He is ashamed of what happened and feels it was very wrong, and very specifically named all the ways in which it was wrong and he hurt people. He is also seeing a therapist to make sure he's moving on with his life in a conscious way after his divorce. It's confusing, because it doesn't have anything to do with the way he has treated me. I told him that what he told me makes issues of integrity very important. So, I'm wondering about the following: Is this a deal breaker? Will it creep me out too much? Will it cause insurmountable trust issues? Is it evidence of a character flaw that will come back to bite me? Or, Is it in the past, and not a reason to end a promising relationship? Do people grow and change? Is caring about someone giving them the benefit of the doubt and the chance to redeem their past mistakes? And, If I decide to go forward with it, how should I handle any repercussions of this past affair for the relationship? Thanks for reading.
Balzac Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) You shared your age as 40ish. In theory no children enter relationships at this stage, unless not biological. My thought is that relationships, marriages have very different expectations and challenges than twenty-something's. Not discussing cheating but more to the point, greater life experiences, including mistakes, come with each individual. It's really more about your expectations. Realism enters the picture at 40ish. Sounds like you're happy. Good for you. Edited July 5, 2012 by Balzac Statistics on 2nd marriages=reality check
Algermas Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 All of the stuff about his dad dying and his wife not loving him enough are nonsense. He just wanted to nail some fine barely legal ass, and who could blame him?
Balzac Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Welcome to LS! Lots of smart, experienced, helpful souls here to listen and offer helpful advice.
Celtica Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 hmmm. Would you say that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a truism? If he thought it was excusable then as opposed to inexcusably morally wrong (after all, he is making an excuse for his behavior), then you have to wonder if he makes excuses for inexcusable behavior all the time. It's up to you to decide what inexcusable behavior is. If you do decide to stay with him, then perhaps you should keep an eye out for the kind of excuses he makes in certain situations and his method of arguing...
FitChick Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Some people only cheat once and learn their lesson the hard way, determined never to do it again. He couldn't cope with the stress in his marriage (wife didn't love him, dad dying) so cheated as a distraction. Some people drink, some do drugs, some overeat. He has more self-awareness now and if anything similar came up, I think he'd quickly move to address it via some type of counseling. He isn't afraid to face his feelings and fears and talk about them, which is the type of man you want. It's the type of man I want.
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