What to expect when moving in together?

[TigerCub]

My boyfriend and I are planning the big move in.

 

I've lived on my own for about 10 years. I love the living on my own aspect of doing what I want when I want and its kind of the same for him. This is the first time for either one of us to do the move in in a relationship.

 

By the time I move in, we would be together for just about 2 years. This move in is not just shacking up, we've talked about things and its more of the next step.

 

I'm really excited to start this new chapter with him, but I just hear so many different things about when couples live together and now I don't know what to really expect.

People say that every flaw or annoying trait of a partner gets magnified and made so much bigger when people live together. That scares me, not because his flaws would drive me crazy (I'm sure they would be more annoying ), but because I fear that mine will do that to him too.

 

I dunno, so what did you guys find when you moved in with a partner, did anything shock you? Or was it like you expected?

What should I prepare for?

 

So..any advice about moving in or what to expect?

 

Thanks

[Els]

Moving in together actually made things unbelievably easier and better for me, but that was because our previous few years were LDRs and then extremely annoying accommodation/transport arrangements in the same city (think students in different colleges who both live in university accom. and have only the bus for transport). Sure, there were a few snags with personal quirks/routine differences, but nothing we didn't already know from living in the same room for weeks at a time during LDR visits.

 

Personally, the major thing I would caution you to watch out for in a long-term cohabitation arrangement is that it's easy to let the romance slip away in the hassle of bills and housework, and the complacency of having each other available whenever. Be sure to give each other their own space and time apart, do your own thing a little, and make an effort to continue to plan date nights. You would be amazed how crucial the occasional date night is to the romantic aspect of an R.

 

Otherwise, IMO living together just hastens the inevitable. If you two are so incompatible that you'd drive each other insane, then best to know that now, rather than 5 years down the road with 2 kids, really.

[carhill]

Depending upon the man, count on issues revolving around the bathroom

I was lucky. My house has three bathrooms and I 'moved' into the main one, leaving the master bath to my exW and her 'stuff'. I had no problems with that, but another man might.

 

Working out a chore schedule. Prior (for 20+ years), I did all the chores. It was hard leaving something un-done until exW could get to it, if it was her agreed 'chore'. I also did laundry 'wrong'

 

Cooking - I had to learn to quit stealing exW's work in the kitchen and 'hovering', though we meshed well after a few adjustments. Again, this was a challenge from living 20+ years alone and doing everything for myself.

 

Space - Carving out personal space. There was some conflict on that issue as I'm not a typical guy who gives over the house to his wife and retreats to the garage or 'man cave'. Aspects of this might apply to any live-in relationship and can be worked out.

 

 

Overall, there really weren't any surprises, as I had many married male friends and knew all about that stuff when choosing to get married. Overall, in the cohabiting department, I'd say my exW was pretty easy to live with. Her shoes, OTOH, not so much

[Els]

Depending upon the man, count on issues revolving around the bathroom

I was lucky. My house has three bathrooms and I 'moved' into the main one, leaving the master bath to my exW and her 'stuff'. I had no problems with that, but another man might.

 

Working out a chore schedule. Prior (for 20+ years), I did all the chores. It was hard leaving something un-done until exW could get to it, if it was her agreed 'chore'. I also did laundry 'wrong'

 

Cooking - I had to learn to quit stealing exW's work in the kitchen and 'hovering', though we meshed well after a few adjustments. Again, this was a challenge from living 20+ years alone and doing everything for myself.

 

Space - Carving out personal space. There was some conflict on that issue as I'm not a typical guy who gives over the house to his wife and retreats to the garage or 'man cave'. Aspects of this might apply to any live-in relationship and can be worked out.

 

 

Overall, there really weren't any surprises, as I had many married male friends and knew all about that stuff when choosing to get married. Overall, in the cohabiting department, I'd say my exW was pretty easy to live with. Her shoes, OTOH, not so much

 

Oh, this post reminds me how things could be completely different for different people. None of the items on this list were a problem for us. We did have other problems, but not these (well, maybe the bathroom one when one of us has an emergency, since we have only one ). I guess in the end it comes down to the individual personalities and how they mesh with one another.

[carhill]

Age is a factor too. I was 41 when I got married. You're in your 20's IIRC. When you reach 40 and reflect, you'll see the differences. As people age, their perspectives become less flexible in general. This is often markedly seen in the 'generation gap'. If the OP is young like yourself, I would largely agree that the issues I shared would be less relevant, but get two old farts together and...well, I even see it with my old married friends who've been married for decades. Lots to look forward to

[Els]

Mm, fair point. I definitely wouldn't say I'm terribly flexible - there are some things that are very important to me (disrupt my sleep and face my wrath... and I am easily disrupted ), but some things that I'm naturally very laid-back about. So cleanliness, how the bf does things around the house, etc, isn't a problem at all; chore division is easy, too - I do most of them since bf works more and pays more. In a way, I think there is a merit to having two people who can't be bothered about tidiness living together.

[darkmoon]

separate televisions one in a different room, seen this in 2 marriages, less arguing then, more space

[Els]

separate televisions one in a different room, seen this in 2 marriages, less arguing then, more space

 

We don't have a single functioning TV in our house, actually...

[carhill]

TV anger, yep

 

It was always more spectacular with the old CRT televisions. Boom!

 

(you did say 'functioning')

[paperboy48]

Great advice given to me just before moving in with each other:

 

You have your way of doing things, he has his way of doing things...you need to come up with "our way of doing things".

[Els]

TV anger, yep

 

It was always more spectacular with the old CRT televisions. Boom!

 

(you did say 'functioning')

 

 

Yeah, as a matter of fact, our one non-functional TV is an old CRT left around by the landlord...

[TigerCub]

I can't thank you guys enough!

 

This is helping a lot.

 

Lets see:

- Chore division, already talked about, we're gonna try to go for the 50/50 ish attempt and see if adjustments will need to be made.

 

- Separate spaces - check. He has his geek room, and I will have the TC Space.

 

- Multiple Tvs - check.

- $ contribution - 50/50 and agreed upon. We're not sticklers when it comes to money, bills will be 50/50 but I couldn't care less if I spend more on groceries and stuff like that.

 

Things to worry about:

- He's a super light sleeper, really really annoyingly light sleeper. I always feel bad if I turn or move and it wakes him. We already discussed this. We will buy a better mattress when we can afford it, and we will work something out till then.

 

Something we didn't discuss that might come up:

The bathroom!

hmm, we only have 1.5 bathrooms in the house, and TC needs her products and curlers and straightners ready to go.

We will need to have a discussion. Thanks for pointing that one out.

 

I'm actually quite optimistic. Even though this is a really big change and its kind of scary, but my bf is such a great guy and we always talk things out and listen to what the other is saying and I think that's what makes me feel like whatever comes up, we can try to compromise.

 

Thanks again for all the tips and stories. It really helped

[TigerCub]

Moving in together actually made things unbelievably easier and better for me, but that was because our previous few years were LDRs and then extremely annoying accommodation/transport arrangements in the same city (think students in different colleges who both live in university accom. and have only the bus for transport). Sure, there were a few snags with personal quirks/routine differences, but nothing we didn't already know from living in the same room for weeks at a time during LDR visits.

 

Personally, the major thing I would caution you to watch out for in a long-term cohabitation arrangement is that it's easy to let the romance slip away in the hassle of bills and housework, and the complacency of having each other available whenever. Be sure to give each other their own space and time apart, do your own thing a little, and make an effort to continue to plan date nights. You would be amazed how crucial the occasional date night is to the romantic aspect of an R.

 

Otherwise, IMO living together just hastens the inevitable. If you two are so incompatible that you'd drive each other insane, then best to know that now, rather than 5 years down the road with 2 kids, really.

 

Forgot to mention this part in my reply.

Yes!! Thanks for mentioning that. It is something that came to mind, I know of a lot of couples that go from dates and romance to just sitting on the couch doing nothing all the time.

 

I am a little concerned, but because of that I will be sure to make that a priority and keep it in the back of my mind. I understand that routine and responsibilities will take over sometimes, but I don't want us to lose the spark and the fun in our relationship.

 

Thanks for mentioning that

[TigerCub]

Depending upon the man, count on issues revolving around the bathroom

I was lucky. My house has three bathrooms and I 'moved' into the main one, leaving the master bath to my exW and her 'stuff'. I had no problems with that, but another man might.

 

Working out a chore schedule. Prior (for 20+ years), I did all the chores. It was hard leaving something un-done until exW could get to it, if it was her agreed 'chore'. I also did laundry 'wrong'

 

Cooking - I had to learn to quit stealing exW's work in the kitchen and 'hovering', though we meshed well after a few adjustments. Again, this was a challenge from living 20+ years alone and doing everything for myself.

 

Space - Carving out personal space. There was some conflict on that issue as I'm not a typical guy who gives over the house to his wife and retreats to the garage or 'man cave'. Aspects of this might apply to any live-in relationship and can be worked out.

 

 

Overall, there really weren't any surprises, as I had many married male friends and knew all about that stuff when choosing to get married. Overall, in the cohabiting department, I'd say my exW was pretty easy to live with. Her shoes, OTOH, not so much

 

What you said in bold, I can totally see happening. I'm honestly not one for most chores, but if there are dishes to be done, I do them, it bugs me seeing a full sink of dirty dishes. I always thought that if that happens I would just end up doing them, even if he was supposed to. Do you think that's a bad thing? Would it send a wrong message to him?

[carhill]

Adjunct to the general 'chores' thing, a typical compromise on 'dishes' was whoever didn't cook did the dishes/filled the dishwasher. Another compromise was I did a lot of the 'tidy' stuff around the house and exW got 'the corners' meaning the occasional deeper cleaning, as that aligned better with our work schedules. I worked on the property so it was easy to tidy things/pick things up/vacuum, etc. during the day. She would devote time to deeper cleaning on her days off. I learned to be less tidy but we still needed to clean since a country house is nothing like living in the city. Dirt and wildlife will take it over.

 

Regarding your specific scenario, if he's unusually busy and can't get to it as agreed, a compromise would be to pick it up and him do something else when free. 'Hey hon, I'll get the dishes and you clean the toilets/bathtub/shower/whatever on your day off' as an example.

[TigerCub]

Adjunct to the general 'chores' thing, a typical compromise on 'dishes' was whoever didn't cook did the dishes/filled the dishwasher. Another compromise was I did a lot of the 'tidy' stuff around the house and exW got 'the corners' meaning the occasional deeper cleaning, as that aligned better with our work schedules. I worked on the property so it was easy to tidy things/pick things up/vacuum, etc. during the day. She would devote time to deeper cleaning on her days off. I learned to be less tidy but we still needed to clean since a country house is nothing like living in the city. Dirt and wildlife will take it over.

 

Regarding your specific scenario, if he's unusually busy and can't get to it as agreed, a compromise would be to pick it up and him do something else when free. 'Hey hon, I'll get the dishes and you clean the toilets/bathtub/shower/whatever on your day off' as an example.

 

Actually yeah, we do the cook doesn't do dishes thing.

sounds like you guys had a system that worked great for you. Did it take long to figure it all out and tweak it?

 

Thanks for the suggestion on how to handle my hypothetical situation.

 

You're too good at this, I just might appoint you as my official Cohabitation Tips go to guy

[xxoo]

My experience was like Elswyth's--it made everything easier, not having to drive to see each other. And it made everything better, waking up in the same bed every morning It didn't matter that we had one bathroom, one tv, and no washer or dryer

 

Excited for you, Tiger!

[TigerCub]

My experience was like Elswyth's--it made everything easier, not having to drive to see each other. And it made everything better, waking up in the same bed every morning It didn't matter that we had one bathroom, one tv, and no washer or dryer

 

Excited for you, Tiger!

 

WOW xxoo, no washer or dryer and ya still made it? That's gotta be true love:love:

 

Thanks for sharing your experience and putting me even more at ease , and for being excited for me - that's super sweet

[carhill]

sounds like you guys had a system that worked great for you. Did it take long to figure it all out and tweak it?

 

On the practical level, my exW and I got along well IMO. Perhaps that was a function of age and life experience. I preferred to get things (chores) done so don't spend a lot of time negotiating. The slippery slope to that philosophy is one can end up with more on their plate than is healthy, so living that helped create a more equitable balance between 'getting it done' and 'fair division of labor'. I think this is better addressed early, as people become used to the status quo and upsetting it can be, well, upsetting.

 

Oh, laundry brought up another issue, as it can be pretty time-intensive, when including folding, ironing, etc. I worked it out so I could do the parts that I couldn't possibly get 'wrong' and my exW did the other. In fairness, I'd say she did the lion's share of the laundry. When money was tight, I did put up a nice clothesline to save on propane and helped with that end.

 

Reflecting back, even though I had lived for many years alone and am an only child, who are stereotypically selfish, I found the transition to be relatively uneventful. I think the desire to be married and my love for my then wife were instrumental from my side. I can't speak for her. My bet is things will go fine for you. Good luck

[mercy]

Always have separate bathrooms. Seriously. Don't compromise on that.

[TigerCub]

On the practical level, my exW and I got along well IMO. Perhaps that was a function of age and life experience. I preferred to get things (chores) done so don't spend a lot of time negotiating. The slippery slope to that philosophy is one can end up with more on their plate than is healthy, so living that helped create a more equitable balance between 'getting it done' and 'fair division of labor'. I think this is better addressed early, as people become used to the status quo and upsetting it can be, well, upsetting.

 

Oh, laundry brought up another issue, as it can be pretty time-intensive, when including folding, ironing, etc. I worked it out so I could do the parts that I couldn't possibly get 'wrong' and my exW did the other. In fairness, I'd say she did the lion's share of the laundry. When money was tight, I did put up a nice clothesline to save on propane and helped with that end.

 

Reflecting back, even though I had lived for many years alone and am an only child, who are stereotypically selfish, I found the transition to be relatively uneventful. I think the desire to be married and my love for my then wife were instrumental from my side. I can't speak for her. My bet is things will go fine for you. Good luck

 

Very wise words.

 

hehe, I think we're doing our own laundry. I wouldn't mind doling some of his if it was really needed, but I certainly wouldn't want my clothing options to be at the mercy of his schedule

 

We already noticed a few annoying habits when I cook at his place, he gets all anal about what cooking tools to use and blah blah and I get annoyed that he's micromanaging me - he's more cautious of that now, and we decided that we should keep whatever kitchen stuff each of us is used to using, and that way, I can just use my tools and not have to worry about upsetting the fragile ecosystem of his kitchen stuff;)

 

Thanks for the advice and wishing me luck Carhill, that means a lot

[TigerCub]

The most important thing (it sounds like you've covered the obvious/basics) is learning to handle the conflict resolution dynamic.

 

You both have to be willing to be able to "disengage" if necessary and that requires being very sensitive to the other's mood. But the disengagement has to be in a non-resentful manner, basically, you should try to disengage when you can sense the partner's mood is not conducive to actually addressing whatever the issue is effectively.

 

You have to know what kind of things to "take a stand" on and also how to let things go in the immediacy of a conflict and try to come back to address it when emotions have had a chance to cool a little.

 

Generally if one of the partners needs to be "educated", setting a good example works better than resentfully nagging.

 

Unless one of you has some personality aspect that has been pretty much hidden until now, it sounds like you shouldn't have too much trouble, after two years. You have probably spent lots of time together already so you know each other's basic habitats (neat vs. sloppy, etc.)

 

That is such a good one!

We already brushed on that, because right now, I have the luxury to just walk away and go to my place and just take a break from him and give him a break from me if we had a bad argument, but its way harder to do that in the same house. Sure, we can go to our separate corners, but its still so not the same.

 

So yeah, we definitely have to be sure to know when to disengage and when to talk and stuff like that - I think we're not so bad because we don't argue too badly, but on the other hand, its way harder to know when to back down while in the midst of the fight.

 

That one is a really important one.

 

Oh and also, I'm quitting smoking, but he absolutely hates it, so I never smoke infront of him, and when I'm stressed I'd want to smoke, so if we got into an argument, that changes how I normally deal with it (leave, have a smoke, think things through on my own at my own place) - oyi...hope the e-cigs are gonna do it for me during an argument after the move in

[TigerCub]

Always have separate bathrooms. Seriously. Don't compromise on that.

 

Can't, we only have 1.5 bathrooms. so we need to share the bathroom that has the bathtub.

 

We'll have to upgrade to a more fitting house, then for sure, I'd claim my own

[Radu]

Always have separate bathrooms. Seriously. Don't compromise on that.

 

But then you don't get to barge in during her shower.

[TigerCub]

But then you don't get to barge in during her shower.

 

Nah, separate bathrooms with the exception for "Wet & Wild Shower Fun Time"