ThaWholigan Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Seeing this thrown around a little, so I want to put it to the ladies and gentlemen here - would you date somebody who settled for you? If someone was not attracted to you physically, or thought you were beneath them intellectually or in some other fashion, but stayed with you out of convenience because they couldn't realistically do better, would you accept this and stay with them? I could not do this to be honest. If someone was physically repulsed by me or turned off by my way of life, but wanted to stay in a relationship with me, I would leave. And likewise, I would not be with a person who I was not attracted to at all physically, or in any other fashion. What say you, the board?
Pyro Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I wouldn't be with someone in the first place who I felt that I had to settle for. I think that makes my answer obvious. 1
counterman Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I wouldn't date someone who thought they were settling for me and I wouldn't date anyone I thought I would be settling for. It's a real sad state of affairs, what some of my friends are in. They are dating girls who are settling for them and are staying in unsatisfactory relationships just because the girls are attractive. Reason those girls stay with my friends are because they're reliable and 'safe', but they do not find my friends attractive. And my friends don't want to break up with these girls because they fear they can't do any better (physical attraction wise). Personally, I don't think it's worth it. If I am extremely attracted to a girl but she isn't treating me right, then it's not going to work. 1
Philosoraptor Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I wouldn't settle and I wouldn't want to be settled for. One who settles is just a step away from jumping ship on you. If you settle you're not happy and if you're happy you didn't settle. 3
january2011 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I think it's fair enough if you don't know that they settled for you* - we're not mindreaders. But telling you that they settled for you is probably one of the most tactless and rude things someone can tell their date/life partner. I would not stick around knowing that my date/life partner thought I wasn't good enough. I'm not a placeholder/fallback/plan B until something better comes along. 2
Titanwolf Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 No. There's no way I'd allow a woman to settle for me. You only get one life in this endless stream of time, why the hell would I waste it being with someone who can't fully appreciate my existence? physical appearance included. When hell freezes over. Find your purpose in life, cultivate your soul and maintain balance between a healthy mind and a healthy body, and NO ONE can state that they're "settling" for you. Edit-Pardon the strong response. You lit a fire under my ass with this one bro. Can't stand to see/hear people "settling" 1
verhrzn Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 No, it just isn't worth it... if nothing else, because when eventually that person who is "settling" wises up or gets sick of the charade does move on, the dumpee feels as if the whole relationship has been a lie. I don't understand why anyone would be pleased if their significant other settled for them, no matter how amazing that person was. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hell no. I would be out of there if I even suspected this 1
RedRobin Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Glad you picked up this topic.... I think there is a big difference between 'settling' and just being happy with the overall sum total of a person or relationship. We all do trade offs and make compromises. Well, the ones who sincerely want a relationship, anyway. That said... No, I would not want someone who felt like he could do better overall. And if he felt the need to tell me about all the things he found lacking in me, I'd find that very tacky and unnecessary. I VERY MUCH want to avoid those people who are always grabbing for the dating brass ring and can't be happy with a person who meets most of their needs. The GIGS/BBD people who feel their 'soulmate' is just around the corner. When I was doing OLD, I nexted any profiles that even mentioned 'chemistry' and 'soulmate'. That, to me, was code for GIGS/BBD'ers. Yes, I would be happy with someone who was happy with my whole package... even if there were parts of my 'package' they didn't find particularly appealing. I'm not looking for perfection and expect my man won't be overly concerned with it either. 1
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 If someone was not attracted to you physically, or thought you were beneath them intellectually or in some other fashion, but stayed with you out of convenience because they couldn't realistically do better, would you accept this and stay with them? I doubt I'll ever meet a woman that brutally honest, but I'd thank her and not let the door hit my ass on the way out. 1
Jane2011 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I'm not the settling type, and I don't think that will change. I'd really rather die alone, romantically, (but with friends and family) than settle. I just wouldn't be happy. And fortunately, there are other things in life that make me happy, so it wouldn't be all that tragic to me to not grow old with some guy. I have two girl friends who I suspect are settling, but I can't say for sure. One is a friend who's been with her guy about a year and a half; she's engaged to him and says she loves him. But she also says she wishes he were more (various things). He's also not physically attractive; then again, a lot of her past boyfriends were not physically attractive (even though she is). Another friend flat out says her husband is not what she wants; she's actually wrinkled her nose when talking about him at times; as a matter of fact, she wants an open relationship. But she stays with him, she says, because they built this strong friendship and life together; it's too late to go back now. And oh yeah, another friend beyond these two, but I'll stop describing them... 1
Els Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hell naw. 'Settling', to me, implies that he isn't totally in love with me and his heart isn't completely in the R. Definitely not something I'd go for. On the other hand, learning to accept someone we love, flaws and all, is part and parcel of every R and something I greatly prize in a partner. 2
iris219 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I think it's fair enough if you don't know that they settled for you* - we're not mindreaders. But telling you that they settled for you is probably one of the most tactless and rude things someone can tell their date/life partner. I would not stick around knowing that my date/life partner thought I wasn't good enough. I'm not a placeholder/fallback/plan B until something better comes along. Exactly. ^ I, personally, have no problem settling or being settled for; as long as you don’t bring it up to make the other person feel bad, what’s the big deal? I would love to find some to settle with. If I can stand being in the same room with the guy for an extended period of time and don’t feel like throwing up when he touches me, that is acceptable. I don't know how anyone would know the other settled. If a man came out and said, “Hey, Iris, I just want you to know that I can do a lot better than you” then, yes, that would be a problem because it’s disrespectful to say something like this. Honestly, I’d like someone to think I’m awesome in all ways, but I’m also very realistic. As long as someone treats me well and is faithful, why would I care if they feel like they settled, especially if I don’t know about it? Is it really going to matter when we’re 80? Believing someone settled for you could cause problems, however. I had an ex who always thought I could do better and he used to accuse me of settling, but he was fine with it as long as I stayed because I made him happy. He feared I would leave him and this insecurity caused problems. If you believe someone settled for you and you live in constant fear of the relationship ending, that’s not going to a healthy relationship. If you’re both settling, that could work. My most recent ex probably felt like he settled with me because he has an inflated sense of who he is. It didn’t matter to me because I knew he couldn’t do any better (and hasn’t). I felt like I had settled for him, but that was a choice I made. (The situation with my ex also had nothing to do with physical attractiveness. I feel like when the men on here talk about settling they are talking about looks mostly.)
Jane2011 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 And to answer the actual question posed: no, I wouldn't want to stay with someone who settled for me. 1
WonderKid Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hell no. If a woman settled for me I'd dump her. I don't need to be felt sorry for or something. If you're not attracted to me then don't bother. Because if I'm not attracted to you I'm not going to lie.
Radu Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Seeing this thrown around a little, so I want to put it to the ladies and gentlemen here - would you date somebody who settled for you? If someone was not attracted to you physically, or thought you were beneath them intellectually or in some other fashion, but stayed with you out of convenience because they couldn't realistically do better, would you accept this and stay with them? I could not do this to be honest. If someone was physically repulsed by me or turned off by my way of life, but wanted to stay in a relationship with me, I would leave. And likewise, I would not be with a person who I was not attracted to at all physically, or in any other fashion. What say you, the board? No, those ppl will leave you at the first chance they get.
Cracker Jack Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I wouldn't be able to deal with the fact that someone settled for me. If she's only with me because she couldn't find any better options, then it means she'd likely leave me when the next best thing comes along, anyway. So, I'd have to decline dating someone like that. I just don't think it'd go too far.
Joaquin Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) If a woman made me feel like she was settling for me I would not stay with her. I would mentally translate her "I could do better" vibe into she is likely to at some stage seek out other men for what I'm not able or willing to give her. It's would be a red flag that the girl isn't a good match for me. I know when a girl is committed to me, its a feeling that I have her heart. Id find it hard to accept that i could have her heart if she was settling. I don't think you have true commitment from someone who is settling. Edited July 5, 2012 by Joaquin
Author ThaWholigan Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 At least people are on the same page
Sanman Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 It really depends on what one means by settled. In reality, we all settle for someone unless we are Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Angelina Jolie, etc. and even then it is possible. Settling for someone and then feeling as if you could do better and treating the person in that manner is not acceptable to me. However, being an adult and understanding that we all compromise is fine. For example, there are things I don't like about my gf and she does not like about me. I think we like about 80-90% of what the other has to offer. Some would call that settling, but I know that I have not run across better in my years of dating and I am generally happy. So, I can put up with the few things I am not in love with to get all that I am.
GoodOnPaper Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 If someone was not attracted to you physically, or thought you were beneath them intellectually or in some other fashion, but stayed with you out of convenience because they couldn't realistically do better, would you accept this and stay with them? I don't know if the "settling" terminology really applies unless you are contemplating something serious like moving in together, engagement, etc. If you are just dating, then what you really have is an attraction imbalance. My single life was full of attraction imbalances -- I always felt more attraction than she did. In retrospect, it's pretty easy to see that in every case she had a foot out the door almost from the get-go. I really don't know why they stayed as long as they did but they always left. Back then, my strategy was to try and stretch out each relationship as long as humanly possible -- and why shouldn't I have? The attraction I felt provided plenty of motivation and I absolutely hated the early stages of attraction and dating -- I've always been terrible at it. Now, I would be much more on alert about lack of attraction, bad treatment, etc. and would likely catch things before they made the R really disfunctional.
phineas Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Every woman that dated me for a few months then blew me off all came around a yr later when they realized I was in shape and acting like I won the lottery because they now deemed me good enough. I invited them over for a movie, told them to wear something sexy for the lulz. I mean honestly, it blows my mind that a woman can waste someone's time like that, blow them off for someone "better" then when "better" is done banging her & moved on they notice i'm not fat anymore & come a calling me & expect me to be over joyed? How could I take someone like that seriously?
mortensorchid Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 I hope this does not sound arrogant or self centered, but when you are with someone and you are out of their league, it can do something odd to people. I have dated a few (make that A LOT) of guys who were not on par with me, either education, self confidence, or maturity levels. Their reaction once they realize this is to act out of hate and anger and lash out at others or treat them badly. And it's happened more times than I care to think about, but they have said after they have dumped me "I'm going to get another girlfriend." One long term bf from the past did and said just that. This was the man who said that this was not going to be permanent set up if I did not loose weight and quit smoking. After I had dropped about 30 of the 45 lbs I would eventually loose, and had quit for about 5 weeks, he was furious at me. It took me too long to do it. Looking back, I realize that was a power trip on his part. I showed him I had the will to do it and he did not, so he was jealous of that. But he showed me. Less than a year later he married another woman. He was so eager to have someone in his life that he agreed to marry this woman who was twice divorced, support her and her two children (even though he did not want any children himself). He was even paying for her daughter's education! Then the first year they were married she got a trailer down in NC where her daughter was living and going to college, started going down more and more often to "spend time with her daughter". The second year they were married she spent the whole summer down there. Then she moved down and only came back for Christmas. Then she divorced him, married husband #4, divorced husband #4, and is now married to #5. So he's really alone now. I can only imagine the abuse that his wife had to endure, if he was so cruel to me. But remember, that they act this way because they are insecure and it's easier for them to act badly towards you (as the SO) rather than act civilized towards one another.
Leopard Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 If that person can't do any better, then technically you are the best there is out there. So basically you are the best anyway, whether they think they settled or not. I could live with that.
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