He's on vacation with his kids

[carhill]

Five days? Wonderful. It'll pass in an instant.

 

Please reflect upon what you posted upthread, regarding your father and his now wife:

"I don't like her much and I'm not close to my dad."

 

They're married and have dealt with your not liking either of them much. That's one potential. Yours is as of yet unknown. Rather than attempting to steer or predict the outcome, just live.

 

If you had to identify one common fear in your current dynamic, what would it be? I'm talking about an intrinsic and instinctive fear, not one resulting from the discourse in this thread. Something impels you upon this path of reflection and seeking of support and insight. What is it?

 

For example (this is not advice), if you called him right now and asked him to focus on his children and contact you in five days upon his return, what's your biggest fear regarding that act?

[amaysngrace]

I'm not close to my dad.

 

Rosie my advice to you would be to go talk to a pro. This man is almost old enough to be your father. He maybe gives you something your dad never did?

 

You are jumping into a mess head first. Decisions you make now will follow you for many years to come.

 

Please follow your head right now instead of your heart and if your heads needs some sorting out, hey that's okay too .

[rosieisblue]

Five days? Wonderful. It'll pass in an instant.

 

Please reflect upon what you posted upthread, regarding your father and his now wife:

"I don't like her much and I'm not close to my dad."

 

They're married and have dealt with your not liking either of them much. That's one potential. Yours is as of yet unknown. Rather than attempting to steer or predict the outcome, just live.

 

If you had to identify one common fear in your current dynamic, what would it be? I'm talking about an intrinsic and instinctive fear, not one resulting from the discourse in this thread. Something impels you upon this path of reflection and seeking of support and insight. What is it?

 

For example (this is not advice), if you called him right now and asked him to focus on his children and contact you in five days upon his return, what's your biggest fear regarding that act?

 

My main fear is that he will either go back to his wife or else we won't make no matter what. My fear if I called and told him to focus on his kids is that he would htink I was bailing on him.

[jade4071]

My main fear is that he will either go back to his wife or else we won't make no matter what. My fear if I called and told him to focus on his kids is that he would htink I was bailing on him.

 

Thing is, he should be focusing on his kids and you shouldn't "have" to tell him to do so. Additionally, if you can't tell him how you feel, give your opinion, etc without living in fear of his reaction, it's an unhealthy relationship (regardless of how it started). Neither one of you should be tethered to your phones 24-7, as a matter of emotional security. Also, his kids are old enough to know what he's doing, kids are smart. Dad being fixated on his phone while he should be spending time with them, what kind of dad-time is that for them?

 

In a nutshell, in a relationship you need to be able to communicate without the fear of the other one retaliating for speaking your truth. Are these your insecurities or behavior he has displayed in the past? Or both?

 

As far as the kids wanting nothing to do with you, that is a big one to consider. I have two SS's who are both adults now, I've been in their lives since they were toddlers and my own DD was barely beyond toddler age. My younger SS, his mom remarried when he was 6 or 7 and he has never liked his stepdad, still doesn't, and mom/stepdad didn't have an affair as far as I know. Stepfamily arrangements can be tough and sometimes the kids warm up, sometimes they don't and never will. You may never be able to be around his kids without tension, conflict, etc. Not saying dad isn't entitled to have a relationship but his kids may never come to accept you and that can be a tough pill to swallow for some.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie my advice to you would be to go talk to a pro. This man is almost old enough to be your father. He maybe gives you something your dad never did?

 

You are jumping into a mess head first. Decisions you make now will follow you for many years to come.

 

Please follow your head right now instead of your heart and if your heads needs some sorting out, hey that's okay too .

 

He's only 14 years older than, not old enough to be my father. His wife could be my mother, though. She actually said that to me when she was telling me about his affairs.

 

I don't think this has anything to do with my dad. And yea, it is kind of a mess but is there a way to sort it out, make it not a mess? I don't want to screw up my life and right now I'm on the internet as a cheater, everyone knows we had an affair and most see it for th elove it is but I know some think badly of us. It's just so difficult!

[rosieisblue]

Thing is, he should be focusing on his kids and you shouldn't "have" to tell him to do so. Additionally, if you can't tell him how you feel, give your opinion, etc without living in fear of his reaction, it's an unhealthy relationship (regardless of how it started). Neither one of you should be tethered to your phones 24-7, as a matter of emotional security. Also, his kids are old enough to know what he's doing, kids are smart. Dad being fixated on his phone while he should be spending time with them, what kind of dad-time is that for them?

 

In a nutshell, in a relationship you need to be able to communicate without the fear of the other one retaliating for speaking your truth. Are these your insecurities or behavior he has displayed in the past? Or both?

 

As far as the kids wanting nothing to do with you, that is a big one to consider. I have two SS's who are both adults now, I've been in their lives since they were toddlers and my own DD was barely beyond toddler age. My younger SS, his mom remarried when he was 6 or 7 and he has never liked his stepdad, still doesn't, and mom/stepdad didn't have an affair as far as I know. Stepfamily arrangements can be tough and sometimes the kids warm up, sometimes they don't and never will. You may never be able to be around his kids without tension, conflict, etc. Not saying dad isn't entitled to have a relationship but his kids may never come to accept you and that can be a tough pill to swallow for some.

 

He is focusing on his kids but he does keep in tough with me. I mean, it's a ten or eleven day holiday. Would we not be in touch?

 

I'm not afraid of his reaction, I just don't want him to think I'm rejecting him. I'm scared of the whole mess, to be honest. It's such a huge mess and I want to figure out a way to make it right. And if I can't I need to know that so I can move away. But how to do that? We work together and see each other every day. Eeryone at work knows we're in a relationship. What if we broke up and everyone knew? We would look like fools.

 

I'm just not sure we can integrate into each other's lives. I thought, at the beginning, that it would go smoothly but it's not getting easier with the kids and while we've met friends and family a bit it's not, I don't know, integrated, if that makes any sense. It's freindly enough but it's not natural. Maybe that just takes time but it's been awhile. His parents didn't even see him on his birthday. They gave him their house for the weekend but went away and we went there to celebrate. His mom came to visit the day after his birthday but saw his wife as well.

 

It's just complicated. She's so involved with everyone and I wonder if she always will be. Her family lives really far away so she's very close to his. And the kids are really close to them as well.

[rosieisblue]

His charm is very typical of serial cheaters. You may want to google charm, serial cheaters, and narcissism. These three go hand in hand. His ability to beg or cry on cue is also typical.

 

The kids will never accept you. You need to move on from that. Go ahead and live with this guy, but install a spy program on the home computer so you can detect cheating right away and leave.

 

Do not have kids with this man.

 

Seriously? How can I move in with him if he has his kids half the time and they won't accept me? How is that going to work?

 

And spying on him? Yes, he is very, very charming but spy on him? I can't imagine doing that. Wouldn't that just mean I don't trust him right away and what would happen if he found out?

 

this is nuts. What am I doing?

[whichwayisup]

She's so involved with everyone and I wonder if she always will be. Her family lives really far away so she's very close to his. And the kids are really close to

 

Yes she will be. This is something you have to accept and deal with. As long as you aren't threatened by this, then everything can go a bit more smoothly.

 

You need to let go of the fantasy that everything is going to be easy, the kids will accept you with open arms and you two ride off into the sunset together. A month or so ago you were SO SURE that one of his kids adored you, wanted you to be their mom instead of their real mom.. Kids change their minds like the wind, anything could happen/change at any time.

 

Blended families take a while to work out and get along. Expect 2-4 years, maybe more before your life becomes more consistant and more at peace. If you can't handle it, get out now.

[whichwayisup]

Seriously? How can I move in with him if he has his kids half the time and they won't accept me? How is that going to work?

 

And spying on him? Yes, he is very, very charming but spy on him? I can't imagine doing that. Wouldn't that just mean I don't trust him right away and what would happen if he found out?

 

this is nuts. What am I doing?

 

Why do you have to live with him right away? HE should live alone for at least a year so HE can spend time alone with his children when he has them. You two can do sleepovers, go out on dates..Change the affair dynamic. And this way you two can rebuild a real relationship out in the open, not a hidden one with sneaking around.

 

You won't be involved or a part of their kids lives until they are ready to meet you and be in your life.

[rosieisblue]

Yes she will be. This is something you have to accept and deal with. As long as you aren't threatened by this, then everything can go a bit more smoothly.

 

You need to let go of the fantasy that everything is going to be easy, the kids will accept you with open arms and you two ride off into the sunset together. A month or so ago you were SO SURE that one of his kids adored you, wanted you to be their mom instead of their real mom.. Kids change their minds like the wind, anything could happen/change at any time.

 

Blended families take a while to work out and get along. Expect 2-4 years, maybe more before your life becomes more consistant and more at peace. If you can't handle it, get out now.

 

I never thought he wanted me to be his mom instead of his real mom, I just thought it went well at the amusement park and that I would end up being friends with them.

 

I understand she's been close to his family but she's not in the family anymore. They're divorcing. Doesn't she need to back off a bit to make room for me? What happens at birthday parties for nephews or whatever? We can't all be there togetehr so what happens? She's close to his sisters and has been for a long time and that probably won't change but still, it's really weird because how do I have a relationship with them? I don't know that she's said anything to them but since their close I think she might have.

 

This really is a mess. I wish I could turn back the clock and do this the right way. I wish she hadn't found out the way she did and the kids didn't find out the way they did. I wish we had been more careful and were able to do it our way. Then my bf wouldn't have got hurt and she and the kids would have understood better that the family was falling apart and that it was time to gracefully end it.

 

Crap.

[rosieisblue]

Why do you have to live with him right away? HE should live alone for at least a year so HE can spend time alone with his children when he has them. You two can do sleepovers, go out on dates..Change the affair dynamic. And this way you two can rebuild a real relationship out in the open, not a hidden one with sneaking around.

 

You won't be involved or a part of their kids lives until they are ready to meet you and be in your life.

 

We aren't going to move in right away. He owns his place and I own mine. We do do the dates and sleepover things and it's great. We have a lot of fun together. We work out together and just hang out. Andit's in the open so we're not sneaking at all.

 

It's just how does it get to the next level? If we were just two single people it would be different but he's older with kids and an ex wife and all the complcations are overwhelming sometimes.

 

It's hard to pretend we're just a cople dating when tehre's all this otehr stuff.

[whichwayisup]

I never thought he wanted me to be his mom instead of his real mom, I just thought it went well at the amusement park and that I would end up being friends with them.

 

I understand she's been close to his family but she's not in the family anymore. They're divorcing. Doesn't she need to back off a bit to make room for me? What happens at birthday parties for nephews or whatever? We can't all be there togetehr so what happens? She's close to his sisters and has been for a long time and that probably won't change but still, it's really weird because how do I have a relationship with them? I don't know that she's said anything to them but since their close I think she might have.

 

This really is a mess. I wish I could turn back the clock and do this the right way. I wish she hadn't found out the way she did and the kids didn't find out the way they did. I wish we had been more careful and were able to do it our way. Then my bf wouldn't have got hurt and she and the kids would have understood better that the family was falling apart and that it was time to gracefully end it.

 

Crap.

 

No. she will have a relationship with her inlaws. Because of the kids and also because she is close to his side of the family. They want her around in their lives, you can't get upset or get involved in that.

 

This why it takes time, blended familes.. My cousin divorced his wife (she was mentally ill and that finally took its toll on their marriage and family life) and remarried 5 years later. His new wife (who was divorced too when they met) has 3 kids of her own, so it's like the brady bunch. His ex wife is still very much around and involved. They celebrate holidays together, she is included. No threat, no anger, just a family who worked together to make it work and wanted what was best for all the kids..It took time to adjust (kids and step siblings to gel and bond) but now, 15 years later, they are bestfriends and not 'step' siblings, they say sister/brother.

 

And all that was NOT out of infidelity, yet it still took a long time for life to be at peace and for things to go well.

 

You build relationships slowly over time. You cannot expect them to accept you and trust you within a year. These things take time and everybody has to be on board to make it work. I think you're jumping ahead way too many steps and worrying about stuff that is out of your hands right now. Worry about today and tomorrow.. When the rest comes your way, you will deal with it..But not now. Make sense?

[whichwayisup]

We aren't going to move in right away. He owns his place and I own mine. We do do the dates and sleepover things and it's great. We have a lot of fun together. We work out together and just hang out. Andit's in the open so we're not sneaking at all.

 

It's just how does it get to the next level? If we were just two single people it would be different but he's older with kids and an ex wife and all the complcations are overwhelming sometimes.

 

It's hard to pretend we're just a cople dating when tehre's all this otehr stuff.

 

But you're not two 'single' people, so don't go there. That isn't your reality.

 

You see how things go. Don't push.

 

Forget his kids and what goes on there. Focus on REBUILDING a new kind of relationship with him so you don't feel like the OW. Get grow together, bond and become a stronger couple.. When the time is right, you'll both know.

 

I do hope he gets counselling on his own. He needs to change his own dynamic and how he handles things. It will suck big time for you if you move in, and then he gets unhappy for whatever reason and chooses to go outside of the relationship as right now, that's what he knows to do when things don't go his way or if he feels his needs aren't being met. He needs to learn to communicate, listen and compromise. Give more, not take.

[rosieisblue]

I don't think you can leave now rosie, you will have to give it a try and have to find out the hard way like most of us do. So this is my advice, (again) lol.

 

Stay away from the kids, and you are right, you can't move in with him. Be suspicious, don't completely trust him, listen to your intuition always. Stop with looking at him through rose colored glasses, keep your guard up always. I wouldn't drive myself nuts checking up on him but yet I wouldn't take anything he says at face value. If your intuition kicks it, snoop for the truth. Never confront him with anything less that absolute proof cause he is an excellent liar and deflector of blame.

 

Insist on ic for him and for yourself and couple counselling now as there is a small chance he might change his ways but don't count on it.

 

Never have any children with him because that is 100% guaranteed to get him cheating again, he can't handle not being the sole focus of all your attention and this way you can walk with fewer complications.

 

The first time you catch him cheating walk or better yet you preferably get fed up with being in love with a man you can't trust and walk before he cheats.

 

That's your reality.

 

I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to be suspicious and I don't really feel that way. I*m just worried about teh future.

 

He won't go to ic, that I know. He enjoyed the mc with his wife and liked the therapist but now she's the wife's ic, so he can't go to her.

 

I find it hard to believe that having kids would makehim cheat but then again his wife said he was telling some other girl that he hadn't been in love since the kids were born so maybe there's something to it.

 

I can't leave him right now. I love him. But I guess I*m going to have to be careful. I just don't know how I got myself into this mess.

[whichwayisup]

I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to be suspicious and I don't really feel that way. I*m just worried about teh future.

 

He won't go to ic, that I know. He enjoyed the mc with his wife and liked the therapist but now she's the wife's ic, so he can't go to her.

 

I find it hard to believe that having kids would makehim cheat but then again his wife said he was telling some other girl that he hadn't been in love since the kids were born so maybe there's something to it.

 

I can't leave him right now. I love him. But I guess I*m going to have to be careful. I just don't know how I got myself into this mess.

 

If he wants you and a life with you, then he can find another therapist to go to. IT'S A MUST, otherwise the pattern will repeat itself and you'll find yourself a BS while he gets OW. you could experience what his wife has experienced.

 

It's a gamble either way. If you give up now you'll never know..If you stay, who knows maybe things will work out. It won't be easy and your lives will be busy and hetic, but if you truly love him and he loves you, it'll be worth it.

[rosieisblue]

Rosie:

 

I meant he can move in with you. You are right, you cannot move in with him.

 

I understand you trust him because he has said you are different. However, there is a very old saying:

 

You need to pay attention to his past history. He has cheated in the past more than once so this was not a once in a lifetime fluke like you did. The past history tells you a whole lot more than his words.

 

Serial cheaters cheat again. It is a rather simple concept.

 

His children will always dislike you even though the real guilty party is their dad. However, they cannot hate dad so they hate YOU.

 

Do you get along with the OW of your dad? Are you tight with her? I don't think so. The only kids that accept crappy behavior from parents are infants because they don't really know anything. Teenager children are at a very vulnerable age when the marriage ends because of infidelity. I have seen 30 year old men cry over the infidelity of older parents.

 

The pain that kids feel on d-day is not that different from the pain the betrayed wife feels.

 

I'm not going to have him move in with me. My place is small and there isn't room for kids. I hope his kids don't always hate me, I hope they realize that it wasn't me that ended their family, not really.

 

I know how badly it hurts to have the family break up. I went through it myself and maybe I can help the kids understand that it does get better. I twas really hard when my parents divorced but we did all recover, although my mom still hates my dad.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not going to have him move in with me. My place is small and there isn't room for kids. I hope his kids don't always hate me, I hope they realize that it wasn't me that ended their family, not really.

 

I know how badly it hurts to have the family break up. I went through it myself and maybe I can help the kids understand that it does get better. I twas really hard when my parents divorced but we did all recover, although my mom still hates my dad.

 

The kids will not move into your house anytime soon so put those thoughts out of your head.

 

Their kids will get used to how life is and adjust on their time schedule, not yours, or his. In time they will learn to trust you, get to know you.. you let them approach you about that stuff, not the other way around.

[rosieisblue]

If he wants you and a life with you, then he can find another therapist to go to. IT'S A MUST, otherwise the pattern will repeat itself and you'll find yourself a BS while he gets OW. you could experience what his wife has experienced.

 

It's a gamble either way. If you give up now you'll never know..If you stay, who knows maybe things will work out. It won't be easy and your lives will be busy and hetic, but if you truly love him and he loves you, it'll be worth it.

 

I know he won't go to a therapist. The only reason he went before was because his wife asked him to and that only lasted a couple of months. He won't do it, I know he won't

[whichwayisup]

I know he won't go to a therapist. The only reason he went before was because his wife asked him to and that only lasted a couple of months. He won't do it, I know he won't

 

Then you've just inherited a guy who has some really bad traits and habits. A guy who chooses to bail, to cheat instead of facing the heat and talking things out, and compromising. That is NOT good for your relationship dynamic in the future. He will be the same guy he was with his wife. Good luck there.

[rosieisblue]

The kids will not move into your house anytime soon so put those thoughts out of your head.

 

Their kids will get used to how life is and adjust on their time schedule, not yours, or his. In time they will learn to trust you, get to know you.. you let them approach you about that stuff, not the other way around.

 

I don't think they'll ever approach me. And I can' tsee us all living together any time soon. I can see being his gf for awhile while they grow up and then we'll see what happens.

[rosieisblue]

Then you've just inherited a guy who has some really bad traits and habits. A guy who chooses to bail, to cheat instead of facing the heat and talking things out, and compromising. That is NOT good for your relationship dynamic in the future. He will be the same guy he was with his wife. Good luck there.

 

But can't he have realized what he did wrong and do it differently this time? Can't he have seen things now and know how to not do them when the pressure or whatever hits next time? Can't we heal ourselves?

[whichwayisup]

I don't think they'll ever approach me. And I can' tsee us all living together any time soon. I can see being his gf for awhile while they grow up and then we'll see what happens.

 

Okay, so focus on that and put the stuff about his kids out of your head for now. Projecting into the future too far ahead is not good for anybody. Live for today and worry about the bad stuff or future stuff when/if it happens.

[whichwayisup]

But can't he have realized what he did wrong and do it differently this time? Can't he have seen things now and know how to not do them when the pressure or whatever hits next time? Can't we heal ourselves?

 

Then you make it perfectly clear to him that you WILL NOT tolerate cheating. That if he chooses to cheat - He's out the door and it's over immediately. You make sure he understands that if he is unhappy, or feels you aren't there for him the way he wants you to be there, he MUST be open and honest, talk to you and sort it out with you. To run and keep quiet, to go cheat because he's selfish or can't be bothered to communicate and listen will NOT happen in your relationship with him. You set boundries and have expectations that he MUST live up to. And that goes both ways, not just him.

 

Therapy just makes it easier because most can't do it on their own.

[rosieisblue]

It is a life changing event and it shapes your life forever.

 

You re about to do a bit more life changing events that could add to your prior scars. Do not have children with this man. Stay young and in great shape. Try your best to keep him happy, that is your job.

 

Try your very best to avoid the stale boring phase of all relationships. Dp you realize that you were probably boring to your exBF? It takes two to have a boring relationship. You need to work very hard to keep this man happy because he needs you to stay happy.

 

Well, I'm a happy, positive person by nature so I suppose that's ok. His wife was depressed and very negative. She complained about all the moving, complained about where they were living (very wealthy area on the sea) because she hates the suburbs and wanted to move back to the city. I think that's why they had problems-she was always complaining...although, as you all say, that's his side of the story so who knows.

 

I want kids one day so what'st he point of staying in this relationship if I can't have kids? And by the time we have them he'll be closer to 50 than 40 so wouldn't he have matured?

[rosieisblue]

Then you make it perfectly clear to him that you WILL NOT tolerate cheating. That if he chooses to cheat - He's out the door and it's over immediately. You make sure he understands that if he is unhappy, or feels you aren't there for him the way he wants you to be there, he MUST be open and honest, talk to you and sort it out with you. To run and keep quiet, to go cheat because he's selfish or can't be bothered to communicate and listen will NOT happen in your relationship with him. You set boundries and have expectations that he MUST live up to. And that goes both ways, not just him.

 

Therapy just makes it easier because most can't do it on their own.

We've talked about cheating and I've said it's a dealbreaker, more or less, so he knows. And he doesn't want to cheat. He regrets ever doing it in his marriage. he wants to be happy and content in a relationship, he doesn't want the fights and all the 'you did this, you did that' kind of stuff that he had with his wife, so we talk alot. I think that if we keep communicating that will help avoid problems.