irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 ....they're recently divorced or JUST got out of a bad break up. Is this common? It's either they're spoken for, but if they ARE un-attached, they're hurting from whoever they've split from. Is it possible to meet people who aren't suffering from a divorce or split up?
Philosoraptor Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Just be glad you're finding this out rather than getting led on. I think this comes down to adjusting your own people picker and not jumping towards those in trouble. Find someone well grounded and more importantly, happy with their lives. No one who just got out of a relationship is really happy and as you've seen, are looking for someone else to make things better and fill the void.
somedude81 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 ....they're recently divorced or JUST got out of a bad break up. Is this common? It's either they're spoken for, but if they ARE un-attached, they're hurting from whoever they've split from. Is it possible to meet people who aren't suffering from a divorce or split up? Were you seriously expecting to find a woman who's been single for a long time by choice?
Author irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) Were you seriously expecting to find a woman who's been single for a long time by choice? I rarely do meet women that isn't in a relationship, there is always some kind of overlap with them and relationships from one man to the next...at least from my experience. I don't think I've EVER met a woman that's been (by choice) been single for at least a full year. The only real solution is try to grab them as quickly as possible, before another guy snags them. (But is that wise, since they JUST got out of a relationship?) The real concern there is the male competition and who finds out she's FINALLY un-attached, first. I've seen it happen, when the "Orbiters" find out through word of mouth that a woman they've had the hots for (but had a boyfriend at the time), has been unattached for a day...word gets out. lol...and her phone line starts ringing. Edited July 5, 2012 by irc333
somedude81 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I rarely do meet women that isn't in a relationship, there is always some kind of overlap with them and relationships from one man to the next...at least from my experience. I don't think I've EVER met a woman that's been (by choice) been single for at least a full year. The only real solution is try to grab them as quickly as possible, before another guy snags them. (But is that wise, since they JUST got out of a relationship?) The real concern there is the male competition and who finds out she's FINALLY un-attached, first. I've seen it happen, when the "Orbiters" find out through word of mouth that a woman they've had the hots for (but had a boyfriend at the time), has been unattached for a day...word gets out. lol...and her phone line starts ringing. Yeah, you got it. That's just how this game is. One move you haven't mentioned, is going after women who are in relationships and trying to get them to cheat and/or leave their man. From what I've heard, it seems most women would rather be in an unhappy relationship, then be alone. That just means you have to find the ones who need a little coaxing to let go of their current branch.
Author irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Yeah, you got it. That's just how this game is. One move you haven't mentioned, is going after women who are in relationships and trying to get them to cheat and/or leave their man. From what I've heard, it seems most women would rather be in an unhappy relationship, then be alone. That just means you have to find the ones who need a little coaxing to let go of their current branch. Yeah good point, you always see these romantic comedies that portray real life situations. There's always some woman about to get married, and the guy friend seems to be "the one" for her in all actuality. Same typical plot, but you get the picture. I've known this to happen, I knew of a guy who snagged a woman away from a man she was engaged to somehow.....Maybe that's my problem, when I find out someone has a boyfriend....I leave them be and don't do ANY coaxing...I just try to find someone legitimately single....but that's rare. Like, right now...I met a real nice lady...but she's only been divorced a couple of months, and tells me she's still hurting and needs just a "friend" for now. So, should I be her "friend" and allow her to get to know me, before some other schmuck snags her up? Or meet her for coffee, hang out, in hopes she'll at least she'll be somewhat physically intimate with me?
varonny Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I rarely do meet women that isn't in a relationship, there is always some kind of overlap with them and relationships from one man to the next...at least from my experience. I don't think I've EVER met a woman that's been (by choice) been single for at least a full year. The only real solution is try to grab them as quickly as possible, before another guy snags them. (But is that wise, since they JUST got out of a relationship?) The real concern there is the male competition and who finds out she's FINALLY un-attached, first. I've seen it happen, when the "Orbiters" find out through word of mouth that a woman they've had the hots for (but had a boyfriend at the time), has been unattached for a day...word gets out. lol...and her phone line starts ringing. I know PLENTY of women that aren't in a relationship, and who don't particularly want/need to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with them. They're not tragically misfortunate in the looks department or anything, some are just working on their career or focused in studies. I mean, sure, you'll find a lot of girls that can't seem to stay single, or even have a fear of being single or alone. But guess what? You've just met a woman who's been single... for over a year... BY CHOICE!
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Is it possible to meet people who aren't suffering from a divorce or split up? They either need to have the quick-moving psychology addressed in your other thread or you need to relocate to an area where people are single for longer than it takes them to break up/divorce or get over a breakup/divorce. My problem is related to the latter. The example I gave you in the other thread is common. Men around here are pursuing women even while the women are still married, generally as soon as they smell separation or divorce. I saw it a lot as a younger man and ended up in a couple of EA's as a result of attempting to compete in that environment. If you see any commonalities, I'd heartily suggest looking for love somewhere else.
Author irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I know PLENTY of women that aren't in a relationship, and who don't particularly want/need to be in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with them. They're not tragically misfortunate in the looks department or anything, some are just working on their career or focused in studies. I mean, sure, you'll find a lot of girls that can't seem to stay single, or even have a fear of being single or alone. But guess what? You've just met a woman who's been single... for over a year... BY CHOICE! Not saying there is anything wrong with them. But in my area....if the woman is attractive, she's at least has a boyfriend, and had been dating him for a while. This area is NOT one of those places where you can approach a woman at a bookstore or grocery and not go without seeing a wedding ring on her finger...and she's only 23. LOL I know I'm 40 now, not that I'm approaching women that age...but when I WAS around that age, I think I was the ONLY guy in the community that couldn't find a woman that was neither engaged or married. ( hope I didn't use too many double negatives there).
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 "But in my area....if the woman is attractive breathing, she's at least has a boyfriend, and had been dating him for a while." Appended to reflect my experiences. That is why my dating/relationship history, relevant to a woman's appearance, financial and socio-familial background varies so widely from the commonalities expressed often on LS. Such specific targeting is/has been literally impossible. If I had a narrow range of parameters, I would likely have dated little and probably would never have married. Wait, is that good or bad? 1
KathyM Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Unfortunately, a lot of people nowdays think marriage is just a temporary state, so they make their romantic interest known to a married person, just in case the married person would consider leaving his spouse. There's been plenty of women letting my husband know that if he weren't married, they'd be interested in him. There's been plenty of men hitting on me, and when I tell them I'm married, they ask "Happily married?" (in case my marriage was not happy, they would continue to pursue). Don't be one of those people who hit on a married person hoping they'll leave their spouse. Don't be a vulture/homewrecker/opportunist that takes advantage of a situation where a marriage is going through a rough patch. But I would also advise not to wait if a person is newly divorced. The good ones do not stay single for long, and if you wait until she is adequately healed from her divorce, she will likely have already met someone and be in a relationship already, and you will have missed your window of opportunity. But don't hit on separated people, unless you want your heart broken, because they are too much at risk of going back to their spouse. 2
Author irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Nah, I don't really pursue married women in a rough patch....just the non-married but have boyfriends. LOL (Well, considering it...but still don't...but considering it) Because...well...after all, they aren't married...so they can easily walk out of that one. Now, there is this one woman that's living with a guy that I had a thing for, but won't bother with her, because there's no real opportunities to get her alone to talk on the phone or chat...he might be shoulder surfing at their apartment they've rented together. lol Unfortunately, a lot of people nowdays think marriage is just a temporary state, so they make their romantic interest known to a married person, just in case the married person would consider leaving his spouse. There's been plenty of women letting my husband know that if he weren't married, they'd be interested in him. There's been plenty of men hitting on me, and when I tell them I'm married, they ask "Happily married?" (in case my marriage was not happy, they would continue to pursue). Don't be one of those people who hit on a married person hoping they'll leave their spouse. Don't be a vulture/homewrecker/opportunist that takes advantage of a situation where a marriage is going through a rough patch. But I would also advise not to wait if a person is newly divorced. The good ones do not stay single for long, and if you wait until she is adequately healed from her divorce, she will likely have already met someone and be in a relationship already, and you will have missed your window of opportunity. But don't hit on separated people, unless you want your heart broken, because they are too much at risk of going back to their spouse.
Author irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 .....and if you wait until she is adequately healed from her divorce, she will likely have already met someone and be in a relationship already... THIS.....this woman I'm talking to seems to be one of the good ones...however, she's been divorced only 2 months, and says she's still recovering and just looking for friends. With what YOU just said, should I hang around until she's healed so no other schmuck grabs her when she's ready? LOL
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Another perspective is attaching greater value to your own (as a man) worth as a 'catch' and altering the mindset of figuring out ways to 'get in there' before 'some other schmuck' grabs her. While reflecting historically upon reality, I do note that my 'stock' increased markedly after I began dating internationally and had potentials pursuing my attentions and affections. The locals suddenly didn't want a 'catch' to get away. Interesting how that works. Now, I'll just leave and not look back nor care. Everything here is dead to me now. If you find yourself inordinately engrossed in 'figuring out an angle', then maybe it's time for a change of scenery. Try something else.
KathyM Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 THIS.....this woman I'm talking to seems to be one of the good ones...however, she's been divorced only 2 months, and says she's still recovering and just looking for friends. With what YOU just said, should I hang around until she's healed so no other schmuck grabs her when she's ready? LOL Be a good friend to her so you have your foot in the door, but do seize the opportunity to express romantic interest when the situation presents itself. Don't back off, whatever you do. Accept the relationship on the terms she's ready to give you, and it may turn to something more. I know a woman who started dating a guy after her divorce who was convinced she was not going to get serious about him and wasn't ready for another commitment, and sure enough, he changed her mind and she married him. Don't back off. This is your window of opportunity.
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 In the vacuum of 'winning', I see merit in that strategy, but it doesn't address two major factors in a healthy and long-term potential: 1. What personal factors contributed to the divorce? In a M, and in a D, each spouse owns responsibility for their part of it. Where is that clarity when moving on to another relationship without time and space for personal reflection and growth? 2. Healing and recovery. Is the recently divorced person their authentic self? Can they present themselves in a manner which facilitates getting to know in a healthy way and, hence, determination of compatibility? As an adjunct question, why do women on LS predominantly state to never date a separated or recently divorced man, generally without qualification? These dynamics are why this good man has removed himself from the dating market. I will not participate in the dynamic presented here as authentic and healthy and equitable. It isn't any of those things. Pass.
Author irc333 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Carhill, I have an old HS friend that has posted on his FB wall, a couple of times that he is sooooo frickin' glad he NOW has a g/f...and does indeed sympathize with men that try to date and acheive couplehood status. I recall, he has been single for a real long time in his life, only to suffer the trials and tribulations of dating. NOW that he has a g/f, he doesn't rub it anyone's face about it on his FB wall, with cute, sappy love notes, or pics he would not post every single day of him and his g/f snuggling. He's an advocate of those unsuccessful in dating for LONG periods of time like he ONCE was. This is unique , because usually people seem to conveniently forget about how "bad it was" when they had no g/f, but now when they DO have a g/f.....they get amnesia about it or something. LOL In the vacuum of 'winning', I see merit in that strategy, but it doesn't address two major factors in a healthy and long-term potential: 1. What personal factors contributed to the divorce? In a M, and in a D, each spouse owns responsibility for their part of it. Where is that clarity when moving on to another relationship without time and space for personal reflection and growth? 2. Healing and recovery. Is the recently divorced person their authentic self? Can they present themselves in a manner which facilitates getting to know in a healthy way and, hence, determination of compatibility? As an adjunct question, why do women on LS predominantly state to never date a separated or recently divorced man, generally without qualification? These dynamics are why this good man has removed himself from the dating market. I will not participate in the dynamic presented here as authentic and healthy and equitable. It isn't any of those things. Pass.
KathyM Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 In the vacuum of 'winning', I see merit in that strategy, but it doesn't address two major factors in a healthy and long-term potential: 1. What personal factors contributed to the divorce? In a M, and in a D, each spouse owns responsibility for their part of it. Where is that clarity when moving on to another relationship without time and space for personal reflection and growth? 2. Healing and recovery. Is the recently divorced person their authentic self? Can they present themselves in a manner which facilitates getting to know in a healthy way and, hence, determination of compatibility? As an adjunct question, why do women on LS predominantly state to never date a separated or recently divorced man, generally without qualification? These dynamics are why this good man has removed himself from the dating market. I will not participate in the dynamic presented here as authentic and healthy and equitable. It isn't any of those things. Pass. You're right, a newly divorced person will have baggage, and will not have processed adequately what contributed to the divorce, and their emotions will be unreliable. In the best case scenario, people would hold off on dating until they are completely healed and have processed why their marriage ended in divorce, and they would be completely ready to have a healthier relationship after they've recovered. The thing is, by the time they are healed, there is usually someone else in the picture, and by that time, you will have missed your window of opportunity. The good ones don't usually stay single for long. Divorced people are used to companionship from their spouse. They don't like the single life, they like the companionship that a relationship brings, and they don't tend to hold off on that for long. Of all the divorced people I know, 90% got into an exclusive relationship with someone within a few months of their divorce.
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 The good ones don't usually stay single for long Yes, I've heard that for decades. I'm still working on what 'good' means, relevant to my prior post. Does moving from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage portend the 'success' and 'good' of a person's intrinsic and social value? It appears, in this time and social dynamic, it does. OP, what's your take-away here? You've been on LS a long time and have read lots of threads about dating separated and divorced people, rebound relationships, filler companions, friends with benefits, etc, etc. What speaks to *you*? 1
KathyM Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Yes, I've heard that for decades. I'm still working on what 'good' means, relevant to my prior post. Does moving from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage portend the 'success' and 'good' of a person's intrinsic and social value? It appears, in this time and social dynamic, it does. OP, what's your take-away here? You've been on LS a long time and have read lots of threads about dating separated and divorced people, rebound relationships, filler companions, friends with benefits, etc, etc. What speaks to *you*? Good means the same for divorced, single and widowed people. I'd define good as someone who had a lot going for him--great personality, ambition, fun/interesting hobbies and interests, intelligent, attractive, good character and values, etc. Most people do want the companionship that a relationship brings, especially if that is what they are used to, and they don't wait until they have everything sorted out before getting into the next relationship.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 It's because you're middle aged. I was dating in that same pool. Lots of middle aged people who are single are, naturally, fresh out of divorce. I found massive tons of bad baggage among my single age peers. My husband told me he found the same among many of the women he dated before he and I got together. As you have probably found, the number of single and free young women who have never been married who want to date a man of your age is small, if you are going for them yourself. I'm afraid it's just something you'll have to navigate through.
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I'd define good as someone who had a lot going for him--great personality, ambition, fun/interesting hobbies and interests, intelligent, attractive, good character and values, etc. OK, using that description as valid, why the admonition to avoid separated or recently divorced men? I posted up a thread on that once and women specifically stated they would not consider dating me simply because of those parameters. The response was nearly unanimous. Where is good and bad in that analysis, relevant to your valid statement? If separated or recently divorced (I think the general parameter was less than two years from legal judgment) men can be good, why avoid them? This presumes the ladies are being approached by the man, as is customary. Is this another identified double-standard?
KathyM Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 OK, using that description as valid, why the admonition to avoid separated or recently divorced men? I posted up a thread on that once and women specifically stated they would not consider dating me simply because of those parameters. The response was nearly unanimous. Where is good and bad in that analysis, relevant to your valid statement? If separated or recently divorced (I think the general parameter was less than two years from legal judgment) men can be good, why avoid them? This presumes the ladies are being approached by the man, as is customary. Is this another identified double-standard? I admonished dating a separated person, because they are still technically married, are likely having a lot of emotional issues that comes from the difficult divorce process, or are still holding out hope, or considering on some level, getting back with their spouse. Until the divorce papers are signed, the risk is too great to get into a relationship with a separated person. But once the divorce is final, I wouldn't recommend avoiding dating people, because, like I said, the good ones will get into relationships fairly quickly after that, and then your window of opportunity will be lost. I don't think men or women should be avoided after their divorce is final. I'm sure they won't be totally healed from their prior marriage dissolution soon after their divorce, but most people do get back into the dating game fairly quickly after that, if not before. I'm just saying, if you wait until the person has been divorced a certain number of months or years before trying to approach, that person is highly likely to already be in a relationship by then. Most people don't wait long before getting back into the dating/relationship game. They are used to companionship, and they are no longer satisfied with the single life.
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 OK, so to bring it back to the OP's question: "Is it possible to meet people who aren't suffering from a divorce or split up?" The answer would be, generally, if they are 'good', no, as they are used to companionship, desire it and their desirable qualities exceed and obviate any prohibitions or concerns another might have about their suitability for a relationship. Hence, they enter a new relationship with someone shortly after or during the end of a prior relationship and you (OP) have a finite window of opportunity so make it count.
KathyM Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 OK, so to bring it back to the OP's question: "Is it possible to meet people who aren't suffering from a divorce or split up?" The answer would be, generally, if they are 'good', no, as they are used to companionship, desire it and their desirable qualities exceed and obviate any prohibitions or concerns another might have about their suitability for a relationship. Hence, they enter a new relationship with someone shortly after or during the end of a prior relationship and you (OP) have a finite window of opportunity so make it count. I would definately recommend waiting until someone is divorced before pursuing, but not wait until they are long past their divorce being finalized. Most people do seek companionship/a relationship soon after their divorce is final.
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