I Snooped and found undeniable proof, but I feel like scum for doing it

July 5, 2012

So here is some background.

My BF and I have only been together a short time, but we moved in together almost immediately (he moved into my place first because it was less expensive, but we moved back to his due to space constraints, poor decision to do it so quickly but it was convenient). We started out strong and things were great, I was completely upfront about friends of the opposite gender and their standing in my life, which he had no issue with at first. Very shortly after moving in he started snooping through email, Facebook, photos, etc. (he of course found nothing), but he slowly started to cut me off from my nearest and dearest which I complied with.

A few months ago I opened my laptop and an email from a hook-up site was on my screen (I didn't search, I turned on my computer from being asleep and the browser window was open). Of course I pursued it and read "off" emails from the time that we met on and found instances where he was setting meetings with women. Upon confronting him he accused me of snooping and that the reason I was doing it was because I was the one actually up to no good. I buried it eventually, but nothing has gotten better.

What it has boiled down to is that I snooped two other times (a month ago and tonight; my reasoning was/is that he would leave without telling me and stay out all night without even a courtesy text). He is continually making plans to meet women, there are more hook-up sites and I've found emails with nude photos exchanged, some dated two nights ago. This time I made no effort to conceal that I had snooped (wrote down sites, names and email addresses because I also found out about a drug habit that I was suspicious of but could not prove).

He ended up confronting me and I broke it off with no chance of fixing things and he accused me of being a snoop saying that:

a.) if I would have asked he would have confessed (we've been fighting for nearly a month straight about trust and I've asked point blank with no confession)

b.) he is NOT actually doing anything with these women and he just likes the attention

c.) he has a mental problem that he needs mental help for

d.) he will get over it but it has to be done on his own terms

I've literally packed everything I am taking and I will be storing it tomorrow. What's killing me is that I feel like a complete jerk for snooping because I've never done that before in any relationship and I was so hurt when he was spying on me. I know that it is wrong, but it is not something I originally pursued. Has anyone been through this? Much of what is online is against snooping. I feel like a crazy person and I'm ashamed of what I have done, but on the flip side I'm so glad I did because the longer I would have stayed the harder it would have been to leave.

July 5, 2012

You are not crazy or bad because you snooped. Snooping was the only way for you to find out the TRUTH. And the truth is this guy was cheating and lying from day one. Your "snooping" actually saved you.

Don't feel guilty at all. You did what you had to do.

July 5, 2012

What's killing me is that I feel like a complete jerk for snooping because I've never done that before in any relationship and I was so hurt when he was spying on me.

Don't feel bad about snooping. You had EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on in your relationship. Your gut was telling you that something was off. and to be honest, if both of you were snooping on each other, then there were major trust issues in the relationship and it was becoming extremely toxic.

July 5, 2012

I snooped, and felt no guilt whatsoever. Snooping is only wrong if you don't find anything. If you do find something, then your lack of trust pales in comparison to what he's done.

a.) if I would have asked he would have confessed

BULL *****

Most cheaters will take their secrets to the grave, and lie to your face. Even when you catch them with their pants down and quite literally wave hard evidence right int heir face, they will deny deny deny. But of course it is easy for him to say he would have been honest, now. I wouldn't believe that for a second.

b.) he is NOT actually doing anything with these women and he just likes the attention

BUTT *****

c.) he has a mental problem that he needs mental help for

Yes, he does. And? Does that excuse his behaviour?

d.) he will get over it but it has to be done on his own terms

No it does not. Whether or not you choose to stick by him after what he has done, is up to you. If you don't like his terms then you are totally free to tell him to take a hike.

July 5, 2012

Nixxon,

I've literally packed everything I am taking and I will be storing it tomorrow. What's killing me is that I feel like a complete jerk for snooping because I've never done that before in any relationship and I was so hurt when he was spying on me. I know that it is wrong, but it is not something I originally pursued. Has anyone been through this? Much of what is online is against snooping. I feel like a crazy person and I'm ashamed of what I have done, but on the flip side I'm so glad I did because the longer I would have stayed the harder it would have been to leave.

I"ve been through something similar. I felt like a crazy woman and in a way I was being driven crazy. I think more accuratley the term is"gaslighting", someone.

I was ashamed of myself for snooping too, but, it was a necessary means anmd eventually you can forgive yourself. Especially after you heal and think back on the situation.

Given some time, you realise your options were, believe a known liar and or find out on your on.

July 5, 2012

Do not feel ashamed and do not let him turn things on you. What he is doing is disrespectful to you and your relationship. If he had been a good partner to begin with, you never would've stumbled upon that site and then led to "snoop" more.

As a snooper myself, i can tell you that the question to ask yourself is "can I get to a place where I trust him again, a place where I will not feel the need to snoop?" This also assumes he is truly sorry and is serious about changing his behavior (doesn't sound like your guy). If the answer to the quesion is no, then you should leave now and not look back. You deserve better.

July 5, 2012

He ended up confronting me and I broke it off with no chance of fixing things and he accused me of being a snoop saying that:
a.) if I would have asked he would have confessed (we've been fighting for nearly a month straight about trust and I've asked point blank with no confession)
b.) he is NOT actually doing anything with these women and he just likes the attention
c.) he has a mental problem that he needs mental help for
d.) he will get over it but it has to be done on his own terms

I've literally packed everything I am taking and I will be storing it tomorrow. What's killing me is that I feel like a complete jerk for snooping because I've never done that before in any relationship and I was so hurt when he was spying on me. I know that it is wrong, but it is not something I originally pursued. Has anyone been through this? Much of what is online is against snooping. I feel like a crazy person and I'm ashamed of what I have done, but on the flip side I'm so glad I did because the longer I would have stayed the harder it would have been to leave.

You are deffinitely not crazy, he made you crazy and drove you that way.

Most of the stuff you wrote is textbook stuff from cheaters/liars.

PS: why did you choose the handle nixxxon, any link to the former US president ?

July 5, 2012

Don't think twice about snooping. And you even mentioned that you opened up a laptop to evidence already in view. The issue would've been not following up that piece of evidence. I am not a proponent of violating privacy boundaries within a relationship or anything, but nor should you ignore red flags and evidence of shady goings-on.

BTW, the guy sounds like sewage.

July 5, 2012

Posted by another ls'er.

By Dr. Robert Huizenga

If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be having an

affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to

discover details of the affair, this article is for you.

The desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to spy or find out*exactly what is happening between your partner and the other*person, is commonly very strong, especially at disclosure of the*affair or prior to that when you sense that something is off kilter.

7 Legitimate Motives for Spying

1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself.

Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or*questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you*confronted him/her and it was met with denial. This created a huge*dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this*doesn't fit! I don't believe it!

To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a*tremendous internal turmoil.

If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath*and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!

Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully*your gut feelings.

2. Spying may help you feel connected to your partner who*seems to be steadily moving away from you. It is a way of*maintaining contact and have some sort of connection to this stranger*who once was well known.

Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children?

Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game*is at least some contact,*involvement. You miss the connection*and try to find someway to maintain the ties.

3. Spying may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the

relationship.*

You want to know the truth. You sense something does*not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know*what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait.*You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You*want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.*You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might

be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to*know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.

4. If you suspect that this behavior might be the end of the*relationship, you want to protect yourself legally.

If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other*forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the*relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court*systems.

5. You want to protect yourself medically. You might be*concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at*stake. And, of course, you need to know.

Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner*that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical*dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your*relationship.

6. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a

secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of*working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a*secret has a powerful impact.

It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk

about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it*IS there.*

Emotionally, you can’t miss it.

Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle*but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously*so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things.*Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a*host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry*the emotional load.

You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret.

You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of

the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution,

a rich relationship and a productive life.

7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline

based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up

entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue.

Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an

unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy

to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.

Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?

My, how the person involved in the affair cries foul when he/she

discovers you are spying.

Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would

stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this

relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy

and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from

you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to

me? On and on.*Usually the person having the affair does not see or will not

admit the duplicity of his/her clandestine activity.

But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the

truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about an affair

borders close to sanity.

Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying

the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The

integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the affair. The

affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you

made.

The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its*protective boundaries. The affair broke the contract of the*marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage

the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the

pain and deception.

Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is

to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to

begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage

and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.

Are You Ready to Handle*What You Might Find?

Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover?

Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your

response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are

some specific questions to ask yourself:

1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover

the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them

exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to

stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or

lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?

2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets

almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional

hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact

immediately and see soon to help me through the rough

sports?

3) What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a

strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to

confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what

circumstances will I confront him/her?

4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care?What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?

5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who can help

me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and

self-care and keep me focused and working on these

strategies and goals?

6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the

prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself

about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move

through this crisis?

Spying is Not Revenge

Do not use what you find as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you

may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to

do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act

them out.

Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the

time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person,

lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.

Resist the temptation to sling the mud!*Keep what you find to yourself.

You spy because the truth will set YOU free.*

The quickest cleanest way*to break free from the affair is to set your focus on you as you*navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.

The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input

or influence,*the better of you and the relationship will be.There usually is no reason to share new found information with*family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A*concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might bean exception. If it is important to share such information, do sowithout much fanfare or drama.

And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained

through spying is sometimes might be helpful to your attorney. Some

“evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.

Edited July 5, 2012 by Joaquin

July 5, 2012

If he would have been forthcoming, you wouldn't have had to snoop.

Plus he didn't exactly take great pains to hide it.

I don't see why he's bitching at all:

Just tell him you are setting him free to get all of the attention and do all of the drugs he wants. Now he can do it without someone lurking over his shoulder. Yay.

I had to snoop. My husband would have lied about the colour of the sky if I didn't check.

Cheaters will scream that it is green, green, green even if you stand outside pointing up at the sky saying "would you just look!?"

Then they will tell you it looks green to them and that their buddy down the way agrees and thinks you are crazy.

You could get 1000s of encyclopedias talking about why the sky isn't green. You could get paint chips from hardware stores and hold them up and compare, you could go to wal-mart and get early learning books about colours and show him.

He would just tell you that you are colorblind and the sky is green. You could get assessed and him assessed for colourblindness. He would still deny it and then tell you how nuts you were to pursue it this far and shame you for a) thinking the sky was anything but green b) trying to show him anything sensical, ever and c) not accepting his brilliant opinion and keeping your mouth shut.

And guess what: the sky would still not be green.

The only way to prove it would be to check and verify yourself and be happy with that.

Countries spy on each other all of the time. Was the US behaving badly during the Cold War sending agents to Russia?

Should we scold them for trying to find out about nukes and plots etc?

Should the US just have trusted them because "they looked us in the eye and said they wouldn't nuke us from Cuba?" that's ridiculous.

Even friendly countries spy in each other.

The US and Canada have their fingers in each others pie all the time.

It's just human and it just makes prudent sense.

Without checking, you could've gotten an STD from this ass-master.

July 6, 2012

You potentially saved yourself years of suffering by "snooping". Good for you!

July 7, 2012

You only snooped because you felt compelled to and you haven't felt like that before...maybe its for a reason! I don't think you're in the wrong at all and I'd say you dodged a bullet with him. Phew, I'm proud of you for following your intuition.

Sign In

I Snooped and found undeniable proof, but I feel like scum for doing it

Recommended Posts

Nixxon

YellowShark

Chi townD

PegNosePete

skywriter

ScienceGal

Radu

Manimal

Joaquin

dreamingoftigers

venusianx13

xdxb

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...