Trying again

July 5, 2012

Here again. This time totally sucked in and screwed over. All over again.

I was doing it. I almost reached double figures NC and then he emailed. Pushed and pushed for us to spend some time together. Bombarded me with love and emails and his sadness. His sadness! So sad and lonely and looking for love. And then... Last weekend he left home. Wow. He actually left home. He packed a bag. He left home.

He lasted two days. By the start of the week he was home. I think he shocked himself. He actually did it and then immediately realised he had made a mistake. Immediately! and for the first time ever, pulled back from me. Retreated completely. And so after two years of being relentlessly pursued I find myself completely dropped. I get an email saying he can't commit to me, best if we stay way from each other. Just - Like - That.

All these months of me asking to be left alone, for him to come find me when he is ready. Begging to be allowed to get on with my life. Yes, this is the man that wouldn't leave me alone. I was his soul mate, his best friend. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We spent hours and hours, days and months talking about our future. He dragged me back time after time after time. I was so sucked in, consumed by him. No one has ever loved me like this before. He got me. All this build up. All this hope and I am dumped. Dropped. He couldn't do two days away from home. it was like a switch went off in his head.

He demanded so much. Always looking for evidence of my commitment. Always pushing for more of me. I loved this man. All these months of talking about it, of him not being sure I was committed enough. What if I changed my mind. What if I didn't follow through.. He was relentless. Made me feel special. Desirable, truely wanted for the first time in my life. We were going to have a wonderful life together. He was full of future plans. I loved this man with every bone in my body.

I am so angry. I feel so sad. I don't think it was ever about me. I think he refound his love for his wife, his home. I kept him going all this time until he was ready. For the first time he appreciated what he had. What he wanted. And me.. What about me? A brief email asking that I don't try and contact him again. Yes, I am sure he loved me, he really did pack his bag and leave. He tried. His wife knows about me. She knows he loves another woman. None of it matters now. I don't care how and if they fix their marriage. I can't think about what happens to them now.

Me - what an idiot. Day two NC and I am broken, but determined.

Edited July 5, 2012 by LadyLost

July 5, 2012

Trinity- I think you are absolutely correct!

I think he left prematurely. The affair and my constant struggle to pull away built up and up. He panicked. The tension and his mysery at home became unbearable. But he wasnt ready to actually do it. He backed himself into a corner. I honestly believe he was surprised when he followed through. His marriage is over, I believe that, but I also believe they will stay together for the girl. He was caught between two worlds and two equally strong loves. He made a mistake. He got scared. He's gone back to safety of his home. They may now fix their marriage, they may go back to 'sleep'. I don't care.

He is scared and lost and miserable and very, very confused. The thing I am learning is that I can't help him sort these things out. I couldn't force him to leave and stay with me. He needed to do these things for himself. He has made his decision.

I want now to find my inner strength and try to finally move on from this and him.

Good insight. Thank you!

July 5, 2012

This is typical MM behavior for a MM who moves out prematurely.

I think there is a good deal of truth in that. Which is why I find calls to "push him off the fence" or "make him choose" to be so ill-advised. If a man (or woman) is not ready to "choose" then any "choice" they make will be unsustainable because they won't have made peace with it and won't be emotionally committed to it. It will be submission or compliance, not choice. Expect to see more of the same in the future.

Of more immediate concern, LadyLost, is what you're wanting, hoping for, choosing. You tried NC but were susceptible to his overtures. Does this mean you still harbour(ed) some hope of a future together? Do you still? Under what, if any, conditions would you agree to a future with him? If you're not clear on those things within yourself, you'll find yourself susceptible next time he approaches you with pleas or promises, as he struggles to make sense of his needs.

July 5, 2012

Radagast- I think I just realised something.. In all the months of me telling him I wanted more, trying to end the affair, telling him to stop contacting him.. I was somehow putting the emphasis on him. My words and actions didn't match. I kept coming back for more even though I kept telling him no. I did really believe we could have been happy together. I kept telling myself it's why I stayed with him. I don't think I was playing games, I believed that eventually he would see we were meant for each other. He would see for himself and have no option but to leave his wife for a life with me. But he got scared, he saw me pulling away, he jumped. He wasnt ready and i dont think he will attempt it again. He is a mixed up and a rather sad and lonely man. We wanted to fix each other.

I check email every two seconds. Of course, even now he will change his mind! But in all the time I have known him he has never asked me to stay away, never shown any doubt of his love to me. This time feels different. I don't think I will hear from him again. I think this was the scare he and his wife needed to fix things. It was almost not about me at all.

Really, in all honestly, deep in my heart i know I must not see or speak to him ever again. I miss him terribly. His face. I ache for his touch and feel and body, but I also know I must now be strong. I must take responsibility for my words and dreams. I must find a way to move on with my life- without him.

July 5, 2012

I understand how you're feeling. My xMM and I did nc many many times, but this time does feel different. I think this is really it. I miss him terribly. I know the best thing for me is to move on, and I'm trying, but it's so incredibly hard.

Like you I'm staying strong. I'm taking the advice of the others on here who have been through it and moved on. Even though I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now I know it's there.

One thing I've been doing is setting little goals for myself as far as the nc goes. I tell myself "I'll email him Friday". If I make it to Friday without doing it I tell myself I'll email him Monday. And so on and so forth. It seems to be working so far. Just a suggestion.

July 5, 2012

Hi AC, thanks for your post.

I have never really had an issue with contacting him when I shouldn't. He's always done it for me. Like I say, he's never been able to really leave me alone. He broke NC and then I wasn't strong enough to stop us falling back into same old pattern. Right now it's not so much the pain of wanting to contact him, it's the pain of him not contacting me and the thought of him home, making things right with his wife. While me alone and missing him terribly.

I work with him, it's probably got something to do with it. Makes it so much harder to really walk away and move on. I know I must though. As much as I miss him, I will not allow myself to be rejected by him and then show him weakness. He has made his decision. It's time for us both to deal with it.

July 5, 2012

Good for you! I hope I continue to have your strength. Just when it seems like I'm doing better I backslide and have a bad night. I understand it's always been him that's contacted you in the past so you've never had to do it, you knew he would. Don't cave just to see if he'll respond. It's tempting...

I also know that horrible thought process of him at home making things better with his w. I try really hard not to think about it but it creeps back in sometimes. I guess it's only fair. I can only imagine the mental pictures his w has....

July 5, 2012

AC, you are doing brilliantly well at 29 days. You should feel proud.

It's not that I feel strong, I just don't think I have any choice. I have to start taking responsibility for my actions. I have to drag myself out of this mess.

July 5, 2012

LadyLost...

Have you allowed yourself to be angry with this guy for the way he has treated you? I know you are sad and hurt right now, but it's okay to be angry too, and sometimes being angry can really help one to heal.

July 5, 2012

Frozensprout- oh yes, I am mad. I am so mad. But I will not respond to his email. He knows. I don't need to tell him.. I don't want to give him anything else of me at all. Yes. I am angry. But my overwhelming feeling about how I have been treated, how I allowed myself to be treated, the situation etc is sadness.

July 5, 2012

"Me - what an idiot. Day two NC and I am broken, but determined."

LadyLost, You have a wonderful perspective going for you.

Don't be underestimated, by him or yourself.

You aren't an idiot. I once told the MM that I was involved with. "I am not a stupid woman". I just made a stupid choice".

You have the ability to turn this situation into a positive learning experience. Just like I have with my experience.

I believe everything happens for a reason.

July 5, 2012

He's a coward, a flake, and weak. He'll contact you again. He will, just be prepared. He hasn't magically fixed himself or the problems in his marriage, his moving back is a knee jerk reaction based in fear. Nothing in his marriage is fixed.

Now ask yourself - do you want a guy that is weak, confused, a coward, and a flake? Do you? For the long haul? I didn't, and I bet you don't either.

July 5, 2012

Skywriter- it's certainly been a learning experience! We are not stupid women. I do agree and yet somehow I found myself in this crazy situation where I felt like I had no control. I let him lead me down this path for so long when my guts were telling me it would never end well. It is time to take control. Not stupid, but maybe blindsided By him and his words. I let my hopes and dreams cloud reality.

Sad Puppy- he is everything you said. And you are right, his marriage isn't fixed just by his going home but I do think it's given him a wake up call. I don't think I will hear from him again, but of course everything in our history says I will. I won't go back. How can I?

July 5, 2012

Here again. This time totally sucked in and screwed over. All over again.

I was doing it. I almost reached double figures NC and then he emailed. Pushed and pushed for us to spend some time together. Bombarded me with love and emails and his sadness. His sadness! So sad and lonely and looking for love. And then... Last weekend he left home. Wow. He actually left home. He packed a bag. He left home.

He lasted two days. By the start of the week he was home. I think he shocked himself. He actually did it and then immediately realised he had made a mistake. Immediately! and for the first time ever, pulled back from me. Retreated completely. And so after two years of being relentlessly pursued I find myself completely dropped. I get an email saying he can't commit to me, best if we stay way from each other. Just - Like - That.

All these months of me asking to be left alone, for him to come find me when he is ready. Begging to be allowed to get on with my life. Yes, this is the man that wouldn't leave me alone. I was his soul mate, his best friend. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. We spent hours and hours, days and months talking about our future. He dragged me back time after time after time. I was so sucked in, consumed by him. No one has ever loved me like this before. He got me. All this build up. All this hope and I am dumped. Dropped. He couldn't do two days away from home. it was like a switch went off in his head.

He demanded so much. Always looking for evidence of my commitment. Always pushing for more of me. I loved this man. All these months of talking about it, of him not being sure I was committed enough. What if I changed my mind. What if I didn't follow through.. He was relentless. Made me feel special. Desirable, truely wanted for the first time in my life. We were going to have a wonderful life together. He was full of future plans. I loved this man with every bone in my body.

I am so angry. I feel so sad. I don't think it was ever about me. I think he refound his love for his wife, his home. I kept him going all this time until he was ready. For the first time he appreciated what he had. What he wanted. And me.. What about me? A brief email asking that I don't try and contact him again. Yes, I am sure he loved me, he really did pack his bag and leave. He tried. His wife knows about me. She knows he loves another woman. None of it matters now. I don't care how and if they fix their marriage. I can't think about what happens to them now.

Me - what an idiot. Day two NC and I am broken, but determined.

Hey Lady,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I know the pain of a situation like that. You are indeed right that it was never about you. The WORST feeling is when this person was unrelenting and acts like they care so much and in your heart you've tried to let go, then you allow them back and they confirm your worst fears: they leave. That's the part that has hurt me in the past: knowing the truth in my heart so trying to let it go, but allowing this person to suck me back because I am hoping these new declarations of love and a future are serious this time, maybe the 500 times before they weren't but the 501th time perhaps? But when that also comes crashing down, and with finality, where they break it off for good...you do feel foolish.

The good news is that it's a blessing in disguise. Probably the FIRST he's being honest and realistic. While some MM may be detached, calculated liars, I do think many undergo delusions or a fog too, where they go get caught up in the euphoria of the A and the future plans (I mean, when one doesn't like their current situation and doesn't want to deal with it, fantasizing about a new place, new person, new scenario is fun and an A is like a 4D fantasy often). I think he truly got caught up but when he did leave reality hit him hard and he snapped out of it. It's hurtful to you...but in the long run I think you'll be glad. You got what you want and deserve: i.e. the truth and for him to leave you alone if he can't commit and be with you...and he can't.

Now NC can be for real- not with hopes of his return. You can now realize the truth and begin to truly heal and move on from this. His marriage and his other issues are his problem, you need to worry about you. It really wasn't about you and it's so hard in an A to have a proper relationship built on reality when the person has issues and their marriage and that dynamic to contend with while also trying to conduct the A as a "real relationship". It's hard enough working on yourself as a single person, further one who is married and in an A. It promotes a lot more escapism and heartbreak. You've walked the road many have walked but you'll be better for it.

July 5, 2012

But I will not respond to his email

So you're not tempted to email him back, change your email address completely. Also, you won't read the drivel he writes to you.

July 5, 2012

MissBee. Maybe I needed this horrific event and these few days to finally show me reality. I guess it's what he needed to! He had a wake up call. For the first time ever the fog cleared for him. It's time for me to do the same. I hope I can stay strong. Your words help me greatly, so thank you.

Edited July 5, 2012 by LadyLost

July 6, 2012

I think the thing that's hardest for me is dealing with how he treated me at the end. I understand that I had a so called lucky escape, I understand he was never mine and goodness knows what his W has gone through, but him & me...we were in love. Ha-ha. I have read all the posts, I believed my MM was different.

At the end of the day, you just can't compete with his wife, home and most importantly child. Take note everyone who is in an A and thinks they are the exception!! Not that I ever wanted to compete with his child. I just couldn't ever make him believe it would work. He wanted it so much, then he followed through and the reality, after just a few days scared the s**t out of him. But me.. What about me. I guess many will think and say I got what I deserved. I am not a bad person, I never set out to hurt anyone, but I knew what I was doing to her. I understood the impact of our relationship. I wonder when she will ever wake up and see the truth. She just wants to hold her family together and I don't blame her.

Me though. Tossed to the side while he goes home, tries to make things good. Back to the safety of his wife and home. As if I never existed. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. Deal with my heartbreak. The reality of my situation now. Alone.

Yes- he was a lier and a cheat. Yes he is weak and scared. Yes, I really hope I move on from this to find a wonderful UNATTACHED man all for myself. Right now though, does it stop me loving this man, no. Does it stop me wanting to go back to work on Monday (I have had some time off), yes, it really does. I am thinking I may have to hand in my notice..leave a good job after many years. But then he wins again and once again I am screwed.

I want to try and embrace this sadness, get through it. Try to take back some tiny piece of control. Yes, it hurts that in the end it was him and not me to finally end it - after all this time and his constant pushing to keep me in the A. All of those broken dreams. All of our time together and memories. Itall amounts to nothing.

Listen up LS people, never again do I want to be here, day 3 NC. I want him to be in my past. A distant and infrequent thought. Out of my dreams and off my skin..

Edited July 6, 2012 by LadyLost

July 6, 2012

I hear ya LadyLost!

I'm on day 58 of NC. I broke it off as well.

It's been tough, and I've had alot of anxiety built up inside.

I just try to walk it out , excercise, eat right and get a good night sleep.

The challenge for me is trying to control the obsessive thoughts.

Everyday is another day I have accomplished moving on.

July 6, 2012

Hi Skywriter, 58 days is a real achievement. You should feel proud. I hope I get there soon.. I can't imagine how I will be feeling in 58d time. I hope better than now and with over 60d of NC behind me!

The exercise and keeping active thing, I know it's absolutely the best way to feel better. I know it. It's also the hardest thing in the world. I have become used to hiding myself away. Not talking about myself, you can't share the detail of your life when your having an affair.. I am scared to get back out there. Even going to the gym is a big deal right now, never mind reconnecting with people.

Every day is another day and I guess we need to take it one at a time..

July 6, 2012

LadyLost,Hi Skywriter, 58 days is a real achievement. You should feel proud. I hope I get there soon.. I can't imagine how I will be feeling in 58d time. I hope better than now and with over 60d of NC behind me!

The exercise and keeping active thing, I know it's absolutely the best way to feel better. I know it. It's also the hardest thing in the world. I have become used to hiding myself away. Not talking about myself, you can't share the detail of your life when your having an affair.. I am scared to get back out there. Even going to the gym is a big deal right now, never mind reconnecting with people.

Every day is another day and I guess we need to take it one at a time..

That's right Lady, everyday is a day towards so many positive things for us. We just have to stay focused on the future and what we know is the best for us.

Please try not to hide yourself away. In fact, I've often considered what I would say to someone going through what I've been through. I know some really wonderful people and of course they have no clue what I've put myself through with this A.

It's like a double life. On the surface, I present myself as a together woman, strong and independent. But, I know many people that if they knew I was trying to get over an A. They'd say, "Skywriter", you know I adore you and I wish you'd have come to me".

I just feel that I am not a victim. I put myself in this place and now I'm working through it. I'm strong enough to get back to the woman I was before this A. It's what I'd tell a friend if they were to come to me and confide such a situation.

Just take small steps LadyLost. Get up early, while the temps are mild. Go out and get some fresh air. If nothing more than a cup of coffee out on the patio. Maybe take a short walk and see the scenery.

Start making plans with people. Keep yourself busy and your mind won't be idle. Don't give up on yourself lady! Big Hugs!

July 6, 2012

Listen up LS people, never again do I want to be here, day 3 NC. I want him to be in my past. A distant and infrequent thought. Out of my dreams and off my skin..

Get rid of your email address and create a new one. Change your cell number too.

Make it IMPOSSIBLE for him to contact you, the more proactive you are in that way, the easier NC will be for you.

You strong and can get through this.

He isn't worthy of your tears.

July 6, 2012

Whichwayisup, I know you suggested this yesterday. It's such a big move.. I've had the same email address for years. Plus we work together and I can't change my work email / number. So I am not sure of the value this will bring. I need to think about it. He is there and there is nothing I can do about it. I am going to have to work extremely hard to put a professional face on things and not to try 'keep track' of him through work (where it's so easy to know his every move). I truly want to let him go. I want him to see I am ok and moving on just fine without him. I want to stop imagining him back at home and how he must be so relieved his week is over. Time right? It's a time thing.

I really don't think he will try to contact me again. There was something very different in his last email. Something final. It feels different.

I need and deserve more. I know this and I want to take control back. At this moment in time, I am just not sure how..

July 6, 2012

But you know what... He's NOT worthy of my tears.

July 8, 2012

It's funny how some men are only attracted to us when we ignore them, but that's a whole 'nother topic.

LL, you sound like a very together, awesome girl. I can't imagine how hard it must be to work with the former AP. I could never bear that, and would likely seek employment elsewhere. It's not about him winning. It's about YOU winning, breaking free and putting all this juvenile crap behind you.

But if you have to stay there... start rumours about this awesome new boyfriend you have. Ok, maybe not, but it's fun to fantasize about that.

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