Jaf15 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Sorry this will be a long read, a lot of stuff goes in this. First off, I would like to thank all of the people that frequently give sound advice to others in need of help in this forum. I am literally read so many tips for coping with breaking up and etc. So, this was my first real girlfriend, I dated her from when I was 17-20. At first things were great, got along well, respected each other, and had lots of fun. It was probably like this for the first year and a half. Then things started to go downhill pretty quickly. I was very naive/ new to the dating world when we started dating. It didnt seem weird at the time, but starting off she was very controlling and kind of a clinger. For example, she would get mad when I would hang out with my buddies instead of her all the time, would get mad when I didnt invite her to go hockey games with me and my friends and etc. For some reason I thought this was normal, well anyways, after about a year and a half I started to get frustrated with this, she would get on me for these things and play mind games and manipulate me, and sometimes i would raise my voice at her (which I know is wrong) and i man'ed up to that. Well this went on for the last year and a half of our relationship, we would literally fight almost everyday about the stupidest things which I know is messed up. Well, I suddenly realized that she went from always needing to be around me, to not making an effort at all to see me and i would call her out on it because it upset me. We would always seem to make up temporarily until the next big fight, well one night, we had plans to hang out, and she said she wanted to go home instead of visiting me real quick on her way home from work(my house is on her way home) and this really got to me. Long story short, we argued over text and I told her if she was going to continue to be a f******* snob then she could leave my life forever, and then i stopped texting her for the night. Well I wake up the next morning and we seem to make up, but then out of no where she says we need a break (breakup) after showing her mom (who has no luck with men, bad view on them) my messages from the previous night. Regretfully I pleaded back for her and it got me no where. I didn't talk to her for a day and then she texts me 2 days after breakup saying we that she would like to read me a letter she wrote for me. I tell her no, because it would of just been for her closure and it wasnt going to help the situation. I told her that if she wanted to meet and talk about a future if we have one I will, but that's it. After getting mad that I wont meet her for the letter, she then breaks down and says, I miss you like crazy, I only want to be with you, but we need to talk. I then go with it because I thought we still had a chance, I apologize for getting a temper with her and she says she will text me later regarding if she will meet with me. She texts me hours later saying her parents are very "shocked" with the way I treated her, and that if anything between us was to happen in the future counseling was a mandatory and that they want to play a bigger part in our relationship. Obviously that raised red flags, and I say that I respect her parents decision but if we cant do this on our own now, we wont be able to in the future. She then says she agrees and she loves me, and that maybe somewhere down the line we can be friends. I was a wreck, later that day my bestfriend comes over (whose gf is my exs bestfriend) and obviously I am a wreck and I vent to him, explaining the whole situation, every detail. The next day his gf breaks up with him, and suddenly my bestfriend becomes distant with me, and stops talking to me. Over the next few weeks I hear that he is posting on my ex gfs wall calling her buddy and such. So, I obviously think that he is doing whatever it takes to get his ex gf back, including telling his ex and my ex stuff I told him when I was a wreck about the breakup to try and get on his ex's good side. I see my ex gf at the gym a few weeks after breakup, was on machine right next to her (without knowing) and we say nothing to eachother. It has just gotten so weird. I broke NC once a month after breaking up asking if we have anything to talk about and she says "no I have nothing to say at all". Its been two months today since we broke up, and although I am getting a little better I still can't shake this girl out of my head. I still wonder what shes doing, if she is talking to guys, and so forth. From what I have heard on facebook from my friends she seems very happy and I am not. I just don't know how to really get over this, I feel since its been two months I should not care what so ever. And also, my ex bestfriend who betrayed me to his ex gf and my ex texted me the other day saying sorry for being in a funk. I know this is because hes ex wants nothing to do with him, and now me and his other previous really good friends dont trust him. I want to break the kids neck but I know that will accomplish nothing. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we took eachother's V cards and all that other juicy stuff. My family and friends say I am much better without her and they were all really close to her. I have lost 40 lbs in that two months, got back into lifting, and that I seem to be a nicer person Sorry, I know this is such a long read, but I am really having a rough one today, and wanted to get this off my chest. Any advice or thoughts on the situation would be awesome. It has been 3 months since breakup. I just want her to reach out to me, I know we shouldnt be together but I cant stop thinking of her, or what she is doing, or who she is talking too. Thanks...
Pod81 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) I would suggest a few things... 1) DO NOT be her friend. She is only saying this to put you down gently. If she truly wanted to be friends with you, she wouldn't have ignored you at the gym. 2) Find another friend to vent to - one that has no connection to your ex whatsoever. Yes, it kinda sucks that your friend ratted you out on every detail that you disclosed to him. Maybe you guys can forgive in the future but for now, don't go to him to unload your worries. 3) Avoid any places where she may be. You need time and space to heal and besides, you don't want her to think that you're stalking her (even if you really aren't). 4) Recognize the issues in the relationship you had with your ex. To me, it seems like communication, or the lack thereof, was a KEY ERROR to the demise of your relationship. Take this with whoever your next girlfriend will be (whether it's with your ex or with someone else). Edited July 5, 2012 by Pod81
Author Jaf15 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Thankyou pod for the reply, I agree with what you are saying completely, although I know we both need space and to grow as individuals, it is so damn tough. I guess I dont like when bridges are burnt, I know we can't be friends as of now or together, but I feel like this relationship has been ruined for good considering the ending circumstances, I feel as I come off as an a** when I really had no intentions of that
Blastoplast Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 You say that the last year and a half of your relationship you were nearly fighting every day? That's not healthy! Looks like you've been doing well by keeping yourself in shape and focusing on bettering yourself, which is great. I would just try to avoid her at all costs -- it hurts because she's your first love, but any relationship with that much arguing just can't be healthy for either of you, and it sounds like she has insecurity issues with herself.
Author Jaf15 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 thanks blastopast and you are right, I think she probably did the right thing by ending it for the both of us. I am just not happy with how she ended it, involving her parents and doing it over text. I dont know, obviously I dont know what she is thinking but besides after the first breakup day she has not broken NC. I feel like this is much easier on her, then it is on me, also, I can't stop thinking of her with other guys, and I feel like a loser i guess bc im really not talking to girls since the breakup, I guess i feel a need to compete with her, she is probably out partying with her friends having a good time, and all i do is work, go to the gym, and hang with my friends and chill every once and a while :[
Pod81 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 There really is no need to "compete" to see who can heal the fastest. Do it for yourself ONLY and do the things that make YOU happy. Screw what she thinks of you because at this point, it shouldn't matter at all. I know it's tough, but you have to disconnect from her emotionally. What's the point of healing otherwise if you can't let that go?
Author Jaf15 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 very true pod, I think I feel guilty, I know yelling was not right and we weren't healthy for part of our relationship. I guess it's the what if's that kill me, and the point that I think even in the future we have no chance as friends or anything. During the breakup I think I kind of just ate so much sh*t from her and her mom and such, made me feel like I was horrible, and they were afraid for her to be with me, when even her Mom would call her out sometimes for treating me poorly when we were dating
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