Pootienomore Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 About 5 years ago I started dating a friend. I knew I was already in love with him, I told him I was going to marry him when we were just friends. He laughed and said he had nothing to offer anyone. Anyway, later on we finally got a chance to be together and it was great. We were really good for each other. We moved closer to my family and got an apartment. He got a full-time job. It was difficult at first because I had never gotten a place with someone and we were so different. We got in little fights and he got mad a lot because I had a lot of stuff and because I was still so insecure. I wouldn't just get naked in front of him, I didn't feel comfortable with my body. After about 5 months he went on a trip with his family for almost 2 weeks. He said he was afraid to go because he knew I would be lonely and miss him. He came back and we were so happy and then a week later I saw that he had been looking up an ex online. I got really upset and had a talk with him about how if he was going to be looking up ex's and he wasn't happy with me blah blah blah. I don't even remember, but I told him that I loved him and wanted things to work out. He got upset and took it differently than how I planned. He closed himself off from me and another week went by, and he flipped out one night. He hated it when I asked him for a good night kiss, and I asked him that night instead of just doing it. Then we had sex and it got awkward and he stopped it. Made it seem like I was "boring" even though I thought I was not. I made a sarcastic remark and he said he couldn't take it anymore and then a few days later he moved out. I didn't believe that he would do that. I was so devastated. I couldn't eat, sleep, I was writing him all of this ridiculously desperate love emails. He ended up deleting me and blocking me on facebook and myspace (it was popular then). He wouldn't answer his calls either. I would show up at his work and cry trying to convince him to give me another chance, to explain to me why he just left like that, what I did. He wouldn't give me any answers. Then he got lonely I guess and started calling and wanting to hang out. We started sleeping together and I thought we were going to get back together. But I told him I loved him one night and he didn't say it back, so I started crying and took off. Then the next time I saw him he said he was moving to LA with some friends. I freaked out and left and was so heartbroken. He said he had thought about giving me another chance but I did something to make him change his mind. So I ignored his calls and he moved to LA. We didn't talk for quite some time. He kept ignoring me. But then he started telling me he wanted to get back together and he realized that he messed up a good thing. He moved back home to his parents after LA didn't work out. I forgot to mention that he has a drinking problem, but when we were together he was sober. He started drinking in LA. Anyway, he came up and surprised me one day and all of my old feelings for him came rushing back. He told me he loved me and it felt so right to be together again. But we lived 6hrs apart and doing the long distance thing was getting to me. Plus I didn't really trust him. I started dating another guy because I didn't feel like my ex would be what I wanted, I just thought he would hurt me again. I ended up hurting him by dating this other guy. He came up to where I was living one day ready to find somewhere to live and get a job there and be with me, and I turned him away because I was with someone. He was broken and I just watched him go not knowing if I was doing the right thing. Well the guy I tried to date cheated on me and my ex and I gave it another shot. We got a place and he was having trouble getting a job because of the economy and no jobs there. He started drinking because of being depressed and that caused a lot of stress on me and our relationship. He decided to go back to his parents and I went back to mine until we could sort things out. We talked about going to Washington and so I put in a transfer through my job. We visited each other and did the long distance thing for about 3 months. It was hard. He would still get drunk and ruined our new years. I almost broke up with him then, but I gave him another shot and we moved up to Washington together. Same thing happened, he was getting discouraged job hunting and drank to "deal" with the disappointment. We had terrible fights because of the drinking and me being angry with him for not trying harder to get a job. I have anger problems, and so did he. We got physically violent a couple times. Then we moved into an apartment closer to my work. He continued being lazy and drinking. We got into an awful fight one night which ended with me threatening to kick him out and us becoming physically violent. I called the cops on him and it ended with us having a no contact order intact for 3 months. He told me before he had to leave the apartment that he was sorry and that he loved me and he actually started to cry. So for all those months I hung on to that "love" I thought was still there. He promised to be better, like he did when we first got back together. He got a job right away. When we were allowed to see each other I got pregnant right away. Neither of us felt ready and he mostly talked me into getting an abortion. He was having to pay all these legal fees and going to domestic violence courses for the incident. We didn't feel it was good timing to bring a child into our life. So I had the abortion and it started to tear us apart. I handled it badly and took it out on him. I even told him I wanted to break up. He said some things like me being too constricting and not seeing us as a life-long thing. But we stayed together. He took off for the holidays to see his family and friends, but I couldn't go because of work. I got really angry and kind of crazy because of that, which I think caused him to be more distant. He didn't call or text the whole time he was gone. I held that against him. We moved into a different apartment thinking it would be better. We still had a lot of issues because of everything, the domestic violence classes stressed him out and were hard for him, me not being supportive, dealing with the abortion still and feeling like he wasn't being there for me. I turned 30 in January and that was hard for me. I continued to be insanely jealous all of the time. It seemed like I couldn't control it. I would get mad about him looking at blogs that had some naked girl photos, I would get weird if he got texts, look through his phone and stuff like that. I found out that while we were apart during the no contact order he had met some girl at a bar. He said his friend had been interested in her, but somehow she got his number and texted him. I threatened to break-up with him but he said he needed me and that he loved me, that I was the one for him. That he didn't do anything with her, I even texted her and she said nothing happened that she was trying to be friends with him. So I tried to get over that. Then in February my brother died and it was really hard for me. He tried to be supportive but I know he wasn't sure how to be. I was gone for almost 3 weeks and when I came back my emotions and mental state were just so crazy. I would hear myself freak out on him and be scared. He told me that I needed to talk to someone, but I kept putting it off. Our relationship had been under a lot of strain. He stopped telling me he loved me and being as affectionate. When I tried to talk to him about it he just said he didn't want to feel forced to say it. We went on vacation, me to my parent's, him to his, for 10 days. We didn't talk the whole 10 days. I was mad that he didn't contact me, but at the same time scared to bother him so I didn't contact him at all. When we came home together he just acted like he didn't miss me and it made me feel really depressed. I wanted him to miss me and be all over me. The sex we were having was really great and seemed to be getting better. I was opening up to him more. But then one day I came home and looked at the computer history and saw that he had been looking at porn type stuff. He could tell something was bothering me so I told him what. It turned into a fight, basically me telling him a bunch of mean things. Breaking up with him. We went to sleep and he cuddled with me and I still told him I didn't want to be with him. I was so mad about the porn. I didn't really want to break up though, I was just angry. He said he wanted to work things out, so I did too. Then the whole week was weird and he went out with some co-workers. He said he had to pick up one of the ladies, who is older and divorced, and they were going to a car show. He made it clear that he didn't want me to go. I got mad and he just walked out the door like he didn't care. Said he would be home by 10 and came home at midnight. I flipped out again and told him he was a ****ty boyfriend and an *******, I cussed so much and said all of these horrible things that I don't even remember half of what I said. I threatened to kick him out again and he said "you always say that." I told him if he didn't love me and wasn't going to respect me then he should leave instead of dragging things on. That I had felt like we were in a relationship for a long time. Then he cuddled up to me and we had sex and went to sleep. I never apologized for all the stuff I said, but I kept thinking I should. The day after the fight was a little weird, but he cuddled up to me and was close to me. I thought things would be ok. The day after was a little shaky, then I got my period and was not feeling good. We were getting along and joking around still though. But he was being distant and not wanting to hug or kiss. Acting cold and moody. I could tell he was thinking about the fights a lot. I wrote him a letter the next day while I was at work apologizing and expressing my feelings. When I came home from work all of his stuff was gone. No note, nothing. He didn't answer my call and wouldn't respond to my texts. Then he wrote "maybe we can talk next week. don't freak out." I thought he just wanted some space and time apart. So for a whole week I was hoping to hear from him, stressing out, not eating or sleeping well. Writing him messages telling him how I felt and how sorry I was that I blew up like that. He had become so good at controlling his anger and not getting mad because of the classes, and here I was yelling and acting crazy. I was hating myself for pushing him away with my jealousy. Then yesterday he knocked on my door and handed me his keys. I asked him to come inside and he looked worried. I asked him if he was dumping me and he said that he thought that was obvious by him moving out. I told him not that I still thought we were together because he never SAID anything. I started crying and trying to hug and touch him and he kept backing away. Saying that it was done and it wasn't going to work out. That I had to take responsibility too. I told him I did and I was sorry, that I'd been having such a hard time dealing with the abortion, my brother's death and trying to trust him. I wasn't realizing how much I was hurting him. He said that I hurt him too much with everything I said and that he knew I meant it. Then he walked out while I was crying. It hurt so bad, I couldn't control it. I calmed down and went to see a band play to take my mind off of everything, and he ended up showing up. I walked up to him and started talking to him calmly. I know I acted pretty weird to him and he seemed uncomfortable like he just wanted to get away. He said he was living in a crappy apartment and that he left without saying anything because he knew I would cry and try to talk him out of it. We went and had tea and talked like friends, then he didn't want to go back to the show but I convinced him to stay. At one point I saw him leave out of the corner of my eye. He didn't say anything. I woke up this morning with my stomach all in knots crying and crying. Couldn't stop. I've been talking to my dad and he says maybe we just need time apart to figure things out. That maybe he will want to work things out later. But I keep thinking that I should just finally give up after all these years of trying to make it work. That he doesn't/or didn't love me the same way I love him and doesn't want the same things. He told me he was always feeling drained, that I drained him and when I was crying in front of him last night he said that he was feeling drained right then. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to handle this. It hurts so bad. I'm living 2 states away from my family, I have no one here. I have no friends to go hang out with. My boyfriend and I only had each other. It's killing me to know that he would rather live alone and be alone then be with me. That he hates me that much. I feel so hurt and confused and out of control sitting in this apartment with a bunch of memories and crying my eyes out.
Samilia Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 That's a long history of violence and heartaches that you got on your hands here. First I would get counselling, it's not ok to be physically violent for a man, or a woman. Second, I would really work on getting myself together. You two are poisonous when you're together, I think you're better off being apart...
CopingGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi. This sounds like a very toxic relationship. It's best to leave him alone and heal. Some therapy for you would be good too. Take care of you.
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