letsfindout Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 sorry for length Our story - we started hanging out Jan 11. We went 'official' May 11. Just found out she cheated in July 11 once and Aug 11 once. And I know this is the amount of time I was suspecting something was going on, but trusted that I was jumping to conclusions based off facebook posts, eluding to the infidelity. I really see I missed a lot last summer. I caught her texting with the guy once the end of sept and once the middle of oct and she stopped contacting him. Now I was suspicious and not proud to say that I looked at her messages a few times then. When I did catch her first and I looked there was flirty stuff and I didn't do anything, called her on it, but that was it. The next I saw was her telling him she loves me, he continues in future texts, but she always says no, that he'll find someone (something she would tell me she was 'helping him' talk about. I knew she was lying and there was more to the story, so beginning of nov I asked if she'd slept with him and she said once in April. There was a night in July I suspected, but she thoroughly denied my specific question. So we patched up, were fine for a while, sans some bumps, she moved in essentially, and went into the new year. I decided to break things off in March because of all the reality that I knew she probably cheated getting to me, among other reasons of frustration of many times of her being just mean and disrespectful (due to her illness, in part). so I had started talking to a girl online in Feb and knew I'd be meeting her at a club event we were apart of, so I waited, met her, liked her, broke it off with my gf that night. It didn't work out with the new girl, despite getting along at first, it quickly spiraled with some of her mental health issues. I wasn't talking to her by months end. Meanwhile, I was talking with my ex about getting back together around the end of the new relationship. I really did get those feelings back for my ex and it was real. Been together since, I ended all communication with the second girl immediately. Things had been great. The cheating from last summer just came out last week, caught her in a lie. Her background - she has had mental health concerns for years, divorced parents, on meds, depressed at times, panic disorder, a rocky 7 year relationship she said she tried to get out of, but didn't know how. So she forced it with kissing two other guys. She had a breakdown at the end of this relationship, moves home, continues to struggle. Mental h issues make her unable to leave home, she panics everywhere, anywhere. This goes on, she starts to self medicate w booze. That plus ****ty friends = getting with dudes a lot (she states now she only saw herself as an object). This stops, i thought, when she cheated on her bf of one month with me (didn't know at the time). In may she tells me she's hooked up with someone, because she feels I didn't want this to go anywhere, says they have a date, but she'll cancel if I want to be 'official'. Moving thru summer, I felt something was up, but I never had proof - never looked at her phone then (I cracked in Oct). So it turns out she slept with him in July while drunk and she says didn't know it'd happen. Then in August AFTER we got back from a vacation together! One day after. She says now she knew what she was doing. Felt like I didn't care about being long term. Now, I can look back and agree, I never said "love you" first. She did, at the end of august while drunk, on a night that apparently she tells me now was a night she hung out with him and their friends. I came to the bar, she yells at me, screaming, crying, etc. I'm thinking now that she was guilty as **** and scared I'd see the guy. Never do, we argue on phone later, she says she loves me and feels I dont because I never said it. Two days later, I forgave her behavior and accepted her apology for not taking her medication. My questions are - 1 she carried on this relationship while with me for 2 months, with two encounters (she was with me literally every other possible night, cross referenced with obsessing over our facebooks). She did it behind my back. Whereas I met someone, broke it off before it ever got close to cheating, but then we ended up back together within 5 weeks. She really started improving her behavior, but I was losing my feelings for her and felt it may not be working anyway. Should her actions be dampened in my mind, as I did something similar, but in a more positive way (aka broke up first)? 2 With her mental health issues, not taking her meds back then, drinking a lot, I can see the July incident being not a planned event.I can deal. The april one was with someone else and it may have been just kissing, I don't know, that was before 'official, so i was ok with that. But the August hook up gets me because it was total deceit and betrayal. Again, we had a huge fight the night at the bar a week or so after her cheating, she had a minor meltdown after and talks about love, me not being affectionate, etc. She doesn't believe I care, I don't like her, etc. So with these mh concerns, and with my admitted lack of showing affection at times and the stupidity of not seeing this coming with an insecure girl, not saying I love you after 7 months, me working in mental health and being overly wanting to help, is this forgivable or am I just so far into it, wanting to help her, yet being in love with her. I feel blind and don't know what to think/feel! Can I forgive her actions of over a year ago, where she stopped, loved me ever since and has been faithful. Again, I know she has been. She's improved her Mental health a lot, stayed on meds, goes to therapy for months now, doesn't seek attention like she did, dresses more appropriately, is more respectful and doesn't drink more than a beer. This has been a gradual march since August in behavior and everytime we argue, and she accepts she's done wrong, she's never gone back to it - drinking, specific behaviors. So I feel like she's truly sorry here, wasn't all to herself back then, but def wanted to feel needed and two guys were offering it. In the end, I at least have the satisfaction that this guy was used by her, found out about it from facebook and still tried to hit on her, and she stopped it. If you're asking why, I don't know why I still feel love for her, maybe it's the length of time or maybe I'm too damn easy to take adv of. She professes her love for me, she'll do anything, I'm 'the one' and she made a bad decision at the end of a bad part of her life, and wants me to stay. She also said she accepts whatever, because she has improved that she doesn't need a man, she just wants this one. Help!
Balzac Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Interesting saga of codependency. Too bad she was the only one in therapy.
KatZee Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) 2 With her mental health issues, not taking her meds back then, drinking a lot, I can see the July incident being not a planned event.I can deal. The april one was with someone else and it may have been just kissing, I don't know, that was before 'official, so i was ok with that. But the August hook up gets me because it was total deceit and betrayal. Are you kidding me? Where is your dignity? Do you respect yourself? Do you even LIKE yourself? You come on here with this load of nonsense, and you're looking for what? For someone to justify her behavior, or tell you it's going to be OK? This girl is a WALKING DISASTER. You don't want to associate yourself with this, her drama, her problems, her lack of morals, integrity, and so on and so forth. Just read what you wrote. Instead of owning up, instead of learning to communicate, she just acts out, cheats, does whatever she wants, cheated on her last ex to "get out of it easier" ??? And you're "OK" with this cheating? She's cheated on you not once, not twice, but THREE times that you're aware of. From the very first instance it was betrayal. It doesn't matter if it was "just a kiss" or "she wasn't on her meds so it wasn't planned" .... THIS GIRL HAS NO SENSE OF BOUNDARIES. Stay with her and I can guarantee you it will never be a blissful, honest, and fulfilling relationship. You will have more and more of ^^^^^^ that. That's really what you want? You can't save her. So don't even try. Edited July 5, 2012 by KatZee 1
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