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Why does he try to make me a part of his life when I am the OTHER woman???

JLB000

By JLB000
in The Other Man / Woman

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JLB000 New Member

JLB000

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Hello all,

 

I know what I need to do, which is to get out of the situation I'm about to describe. But I'm really confused and need a push in the right direction with some feedback about what is going on...

 

I met M about nine years ago. We were very young (late teens) and while we liked each other, it was nothing serious at first. I was just getting out of a relationship and honestly, I didn't even like him that much. Well, after we eventually got physical, I developed feelings for him which were not reciprocated. I wish this would have been enough to stop me. It was not. We continued to see each other, but he began dating his (still) girlfriend, but had no intention of stopping contact with me since he continued to call. Why I let this go on - I have no idea.

 

Anyway, I wound up getting married about three years later and for different reasons (being way too young mostly) the marriage did not work out. M was still texting me randomly even while I was married and although I texted him back, I never went to see him because I knew what would happen. We slept together after my ex and I separated and I immediately felt guilty because M was still seeing his gf. He still texts me, generally once a week at least and sometimes we hang out, though I have to try to avoid being anywhere private with him because I know what he will push for. I wish I could say I have never caved - but I have.

 

I don't want to be the other woman. I hate it and I hate myself even more. I have told him to stop talking to me a few times, but we always start again, whether by him contacting me or me contacting him. What I don't understand - he invites ME over to his friends/family house on holidays or out with his brother and gf, or on vacation with him and his friends, or out for the weekend and never wants to bring her anywhere. He has told me more than once that it seems obvious that we belong together (and unfortunately, he has a point - we do make sense together), he doesn't like the idea of me seeing someone else, and he wants me to move closer to him (mind you his girlfriend lives with him). His best friend knows me, his brother knows me, his brother's gf knows me... but yet he won't leave her. He's made the comment more than once after he's had a few drinks that he wishes she'd just get tired of his crap and leave him.

 

I know none of this makes a difference. I know I need to leave him alone. I know I'm the other woman, that I would hate me if I was her, and that I need to let go... If someone can help me make sense of this or maybe just smack me in the face (gently please) I would appreciate it. Why is he willing to make me a part of his inner life? It makes no sense....

ac11442 Member

ac11442

Posted
Posted

He's a coward. He said he wished she would get sick of his crap and leave him. So basically he doesn't have the backbone to man up and do it himself. He wants her to kick him out so he doesn't have to do it. My xMM used to say the same thing. He flat out said it would be easier is she just kicked him out. Or if I got fed up and dumped him. He just didn't want to own up to anything.

 

I suggest you read some of the other threads. That's what I did and it's amazing that no matter who posts, male or female, they all pretty much sound the same. Married person says they want to be with you but can't for xxxx reason. You hold out thinking eventually something will change. Time goes on, you get more attached, nothing changes, and eventually you end up here looking for support from others in your situation trying to uphold a no contact agreement.

 

I feel for ya, I really do. Obviously we've all been there to some degree.

  • Like 6
EmptyHeartGirl Member

EmptyHeartGirl

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Posted

I can tell by your post that you are really seeking validation that it must mean something more if he is including you, but I'm sorry, it's another ploy these men use to keep you interested. You are a trophy he is showing off.

 

He's being real selective in WHO he chooses to bring you around. His brother probably is used to it, and is in on it. Believe me I know my exMM did the same thing. He would bring me around certain friends and even his work associates. I thought Wow, I must really mean something to him if he is bringing me around his friends. He would also use the word "we" and "our" a lot. "We" are meant to be together, "This is "our" song"

 

I later realized that his work associates were cheaters too, so he was just showing me off as this is MY chick on the side. The same with his friends, the ones he brought me around were the ones doing the same thing.

It boosted his ego (I don't want to sound conceited, but I'm an attractive woman, and have never had a problem turning heads I just always fall for the wrong guy)

 

It's manipulative because he gives you a false sense of security by making you believe that you are more than the convenient sidepiece and that he is trying to include you in his life.

 

Think about it if these guys were "honest" and said what they really felt:

"I WON'T leave my wife/gf and I'm just looking for some fun on the side.

 

Would you even consider going forward with this guy. I would think not.

 

What they do say is: "I CAN'T leave because of my kids or whatever BS excuse they come up with"

 

They put the bug of hope in your head so you think " He WANTS to be with me, but his situation doesn;t allow us to be together" (which is BS)

 

You're guy really has no excuse especially since he is not married. He stays with her because he wants to, end of story.

 

They say and do what they need to to keep us around to give us just a small ray of hope that if we are patient they will be ours.

 

And don;t be fooled by the fact that when you try to break it off he continues to pursue you. It's another part of their MO. They don;t want to let go of a sure thing. It's not easy to find a woman who is willing to be the sidepiece, so when they have one they try to hold on at all costs. He will call, beg, plead to keep the affair going. It's nothing to them, they are still gonna go home and get in bed with their wife/gf at the end of the day.

 

So Please end all communication with him. It will only get harder and hurt more for you the longer you stay in. I hope my response wasn't too harsh as I a speak from experience.

 

Good Luck

  • Like 9
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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His best friend knows me, his brother knows me, his brother's gf knows me... but yet he won't leave her. He's made the comment more than once after he's had a few drinks that he wishes she'd just get tired of his crap and leave him.

 

What I don't get its: he's not married to her and they don't have a kid together, based on your story, so if you belong together and he is bringing you places...why not just leave her???? :confused: At least MM with kids, houses, a mortgage, cars, dogs, etc with their wives can come up with plausible excuses for why they can't leave, but a guy with a girlfriend whom he has no kids with, and who based on the story, you all are pretty young...NOTHING is holding him there-except his spinelessness of course. He is being passive aggressive and hoping she gets tired of his crap and leaves. Perhaps that is why he brings you around...hoping he'll get caught.

 

But I agree that he brings you around selective people. His bestfriend and his brother and his brother's gf. Not his mom, dad, etc. My exAP introduced me to his bestfriends as well; however, they were all dogs and part of the "man code" where culturally for them, this was normal and of course they wouldn't tell or encourage their friend to stop. They thought it was fantastic and he knew his boys wouldn't endanger his relationship by telling. Like Empty said, having an OW was like purchasing a new Ferrari :rolleyes:, it gave him status among his boys. I was a ways younger than him and his gf and I'm attractive and I even overheard his friend and him saying "Yea man, she's pretttttty!"...at the time I was flattered, but now, esp as Empty described it, I realize it was like a guy showing off his new sports car to his friends. He did not however introduce me to his parents, grandparents and other family members...and it's no surprise why, as they would not be so accepting and would ask him questions, be disturbed by it and rat him out most likely. So yea...I wouldn't consider it soo special and this hardly seems like his "inner life". I'd focus on how ridiculous he is for dragging that poor woman along when he could break up and be free to date you or whoever else. Do you really want such a coward?

Edited by MissBee
  • Like 6
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JLB000 New Member

JLB000

Posted
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Thank you, ac, emptyheart, and missbee

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

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Why is he doing that? Because he is a screwed up individual, and has serious issues that he doesn't want to/ or know how to deal with.

 

It will not benefit you to worry about the whys. Many people were not fortunate enough to have parents that instilled values and taught them coping skills. Many people are abused or neglected as children. Some people have mental illness or addicition issues. Some have personality disorders. Some people are just selfish. Some are just impulsive and careless. It would be a crapshoot to guess the motivation for his behavior (he is probably not even self aware).

 

The most important thing for you to remember is that his behavior is indicative of a man with issues. Issues that are not circumstantial, but character issues. Issues that will bleed into any relationship that he has with anyone, including you.

 

Regardless of the chemistry and love you feel for him, he would not make a good partner for you. Try to remember this when you miss him.

  • Like 3
TripLine Established Member

TripLine

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He is doing that because he gets to play and you are game. He gets to double dip which unforgivably many when will do when given the chance. You are an individual, but you are also a reason why men get to cheat.

  • Like 2
beachbabe82 Member

beachbabe82

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Like all the others said, you let him treat you like this. But he doesn't like you enough to leave his girlfriend for. You are good enough to party with, but not good enough to bring home to mom.

 

Stop letting him use you. Stop texting him and calling him. Don't you want to be with someone who isn't already with someone? I never get all these girls who allow some guy to do this. Why do you not respect yourself more?

  • Like 1
Owl Established Member

Owl

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Hello all,

 

Why I let this go on - I have no idea.

 

He still texts me, generally once a week at least and sometimes we hang out, though I have to try to avoid being anywhere private with him because I know what he will push for.

 

I don't want to be the other woman.

 

I know I need to leave him alone. I know I'm the other woman, that I would hate me if I was her, and that I need to let go... If someone can help me make sense of this or maybe just smack me in the face (gently please) I would appreciate it.

 

Then change your behavior/actions.

 

STOP DOING WHAT YOU KNOW IS WRONG.

 

It's that simple...not easy...but simple.

 

 

Why is he willing to make me a part of his inner life? It makes no sense....

 

Because it works. You know what he truly wants...you mention it earlier when you noted that you avoided being alone with him...because you know "what he'll push for".

 

His motivation is simple...base.

 

And...his methodology is effective, because you keep coming back.

 

Why shouldn't he do what he's doing, if it gets him what he wants? A steady girlfiend, and a "friend with benefits" on the side for variety.

  • Like 3
LucreziaBorgia Established Member

LucreziaBorgia

Posted
Posted (edited)
If someone can help me make sense of this or maybe just smack me in the face (gently please) I would appreciate it. Why is he willing to make me a part of his inner life? It makes no sense....

 

Think of it this way. This guy doesn't want you in his whole life: he wants you in the part of his life that he feels has nothing to do with his life with his girlfriend. If his emotional life were a closet, then the 'girlfriend' box would be the big one sitting on the closet floor in plain sight. Your box would be the shoebox that he has somewhere up on the top shelf in plain sight, but in a spot his girlfriend wouldn't think to look.

 

I guess in simple terms it comes down to this: his inner life that you want to be a part of has a section in it for his girlfriend, and a section in it for you. There is no one 'inner life' section. He isn't going to eliminate one section. That is just how he is. That is how a lot of married/taken guys are. They simply don't see a need to or want to eliminate 'sections'. They want affairs, not divorces/breakups.

 

It isn't easy for someone who doesn't function that way to understand it. Understand this though: unless his girlfriend voluntarily leaves him, nothing will change. Honestly, even if she does leave - he will have an empty compartment to fill, and the only thing that will change is that his girlfriend will be replaced with someone else.

 

Is that what you want or need? If not, then your choices are clear: continue to live like this, or leave. With him, there is no compromise.

Edited by LucreziaBorgia
  • Like 1
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Think of it this way. This guy doesn't want you in his whole life: he wants you in the part of his life that he feels has nothing to do with his life with his girlfriend. If his emotional life were a closet, then the 'girlfriend' box would be the big one sitting on the closet floor in plain sight. Your box would be the shoebox that he has somewhere up on the top shelf in plain sight, but in a spot his girlfriend wouldn't think to look.

 

I guess in simple terms it comes down to this: his inner life that you want to be a part of has a section in it for his girlfriend, and a section in it for you. There is no one 'inner life' section. He isn't going to eliminate one section. That is just how he is. That is how a lot of married/taken guys are. They simply don't see a need to or want to eliminate 'sections'. They want affairs, not divorces/breakups.

 

It isn't easy for someone who doesn't function that way to understand it. Understand this though: unless his girlfriend voluntarily leaves him, nothing will change. Honestly, even if she does leave - he will have an empty compartment to fill, and the only thing that will change is that his girlfriend will be replaced with someone else.

 

Is that what you want or need? If not, then your choices are clear: continue to live like this, or leave. With him, there is no compromise.

 

Great post, very well put! :bunny:

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JLB000 New Member

JLB000

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Thank you Quiet Storm and LucreziaBorgia... your posts were exactly what I was looking for, along with MissBee, Emptyheart, and AC. I actually did ask him to leave me alone today, and warned him that the next time he tries to contact me I will go directly to his gf. I don't want to break them up, I don't care if they stay together because I've always known I would not really want to be with him, but I figured it would be my best shot to get him to just leave me alone... even if it's crappy of me to threaten him like that. I removed all his contact info and blocked him from all my social networks and email addresses and changed my phone number. Thank you for addressing the reasons I kept playing over in my mind. It does hurt - it's been a really long time, but I'm actually more relieved than anything else. All my best to you guys. Take care

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Thank you Quiet Storm and LucreziaBorgia... your posts were exactly what I was looking for, along with MissBee, Emptyheart, and AC. I actually did ask him to leave me alone today, and warned him that the next time he tries to contact me I will go directly to his gf. I don't want to break them up, I don't care if they stay together because I've always known I would not really want to be with him, but I figured it would be my best shot to get him to just leave me alone... even if it's crappy of me to threaten him like that. I removed all his contact info and blocked him from all my social networks and email addresses and changed my phone number. Thank you for addressing the reasons I kept playing over in my mind. It does hurt - it's been a really long time, but I'm actually more relieved than anything else. All my best to you guys. Take care

 

That's a good feeling!

 

I'm happy for you :)

  • Like 1
EmptyHeartGirl Member

EmptyHeartGirl

Posted
Posted

That's fantastic JLB! I know it hurts, but it will go away with time. Best of Luck to you!

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