rippedapart Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hi all, finding this board is great. I think I'll need all the support here as I do not have many ppl to talk to. I keep going over and over the fact that not only she dismissed me like I don't exist after being married for over 7 yrs and recently enjoying ourselves. Been only 5-6 weeks since she declared separation. How can they jump to some else within 2 weeks! Is it a rebound? Mid-life crisis? Gigs? Does it even matter?! I was an idiot and did not spot the huge red flag "I love you but I'm not in love with you" 7-8 weeks ago. I'd like you opinions on the above cliche. She blocked me from FB and appears to be planning her life with her other M. I have dreams about her every night. We have a child so NC is not possible (although she moved out) and I keep getting hurt. I don't even know what I'm asking for, just venting I suppose and would like to hear from ppl in similar situations.
Philosoraptor Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 The above cliche is pretty much a way to avoid the truth. I'd gamble this other person was already picked out as a soft place to land once things ended. It's always much easier to leave when one doesn't have to actually be alone afterwards. 3
Author rippedapart Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 The above cliche is pretty much a way to avoid the truth. I'd gamble this other person was already picked out as a soft place to land once things ended. It's always much easier to leave when one doesn't have to actually be alone afterwards. That actually makes sense. I suppose it's an easy way out. I keep feeling that she got bored, at least from my point of view we had settled down and too busy to actually survive in this world work etc, so I suppose she was looking for something fresh. No one will know really. It just happened that someone was there at the right time and space for her to fall into. Will it last? I doubt it. Do they actually think about what/who they leave behind at all? Anyone been in that situation before? As far as I know so far her other M has all the habits she disliked and was happy to be with me for. Weird.
CopingGal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Hi all, finding this board is great. I think I'll need all the support here as I do not have many ppl to talk to. I keep going over and over the fact that not only she dismissed me like I don't exist after being married for over 7 yrs and recently enjoying ourselves. Been only 5-6 weeks since she declared separation. How can they jump to some else within 2 weeks! Is it a rebound? Mid-life crisis? Gigs? Does it even matter?! I was an idiot and did not spot the huge red flag "I love you but I'm not in love with you" 7-8 weeks ago. I'd like you opinions on the above cliche. She blocked me from FB and appears to be planning her life with her other M. I have dreams about her every night. We have a child so NC is not possible (although she moved out) and I keep getting hurt. I don't even know what I'm asking for, just venting I suppose and would like to hear from ppl in similar situations. Seriously, finding someone in two weeks could happen. She could be impulsive and not have been emotionally invested in the marriage...or maybe she did have someone else, or all three. You may never get the answers to your questions. If she does answer them, she could be lying. So many of us on here get questions that are never answered. So sorry you are going through this. It sounds excruciatingly painful. Stay strong. Take care of you.
Author rippedapart Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" came after she had been talking to the other M for about 2 weeks on fb. The courage some ppl have to throw it all for what it may turn to be not what they think amazes me to be honest. I just never wanted my child to grow with divorced parents, never envisioned it. And it hurts me a lot that my child will have to be around the other M. Thanks CopingGal.
hypersonic Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 One of the hardest parts of my divorce was realizing that I would not get to see my kids everyday. It is never what you envisoned when you became a parent. Don't ever forget though, no one will ever take your place as Dad. Take every bit of time you can get with them and establish some new traditions with your kiddo (movie night, summer trips, etc.). It doesn't matter what you do as long as you do it together. We also use FaceTime (Skype or other would work the same) during the week when I can't see them in person. 1
Author rippedapart Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Don't ever forget though, no one will ever take your place as Dad. Thanks hypersonic, that does make me feel better. Now comes the hard part where I need to get her out of my head. I am getting better but still in a lot of pain and nothing interests me anymore, even my old hobbies. Is having a slight hope down the track a bad idea at this stage? I fear it is but I always had hope in my life and because of that I am actually functioning on daily basis. I've been given a lot of advise but atm I am just thinking only 1 day ahead and take it from there. I have also found that talking to people, venting, letting it out and not being alone is the thing thats holding me together. It's when I am by myself that I crumble.
hinatticus Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I've never really been a hopeful person. During the break up I developed some hope. I think hope is fine as long as you know when to stop hoping. I'm a recent single dad. Welcome to this sh*tty club.
Author rippedapart Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I've never really been a hopeful person. During the break up I developed some hope. I think hope is fine as long as you know when to stop hoping. I'm a recent single dad. Welcome to this sh*tty club. Sorry to hear that buddy. How are you coping?
hinatticus Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 My situation is a little tricky. I screwed big time(anger issues), so after the initial mistakes everyone makes(begging, reasoning, crying, talking to her family/friends) I took a hard look at my mistakes that I made. I went straight to counseling(for my anger, not to cope), and then started reading all kinds of material. Online stuff too(pathwaytohappiness is helping me). I have a few relationship books I've been reading to help me understand where we both went wrong. Practicing what I've learned when I interact with my ex and actually not feel the need to get angry is self inspiring. I guess that's a coping method. It's been just over 4 months now and though there have been huge strides in her behavior towards me, I'm still at square one. She doesn't want me back. We have a child together so I have this dumb notion that might help in reconciling. I'm keeping hope alive and that helps me cope. It actually does make me feel better knowing that the future is unknown. And I can hope. I won't hope forever tho. Since we see each frequently due to our child, it feels like I'm slowly weening myself from her. Love is a drug and I can't go cold turkey in this situation. So that is helping me cope. I do the usual stuff for coping too. Working out when I can, hanging with friends, going out once in a while, drives while listening to music etc. I even have a journal with all kinds of stuff in it. Poems even. What really helps me is that I talk with my older brother about this at least once a week. He's wise so he brings me back down to earth. Talking with someone who won't judge my ex helped me. You have any good coping methods?
Chacha8 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Hi all, finding this board is great. I think I'll need all the support here as I do not have many ppl to talk to. I keep going over and over the fact that not only she dismissed me like I don't exist after being married for over 7 yrs and recently enjoying ourselves. Been only 5-6 weeks since she declared separation. How can they jump to some else within 2 weeks! Is it a rebound? Mid-life crisis? Gigs? Does it even matter?! I was an idiot and did not spot the huge red flag "I love you but I'm not in love with you" 7-8 weeks ago. I'd like you opinions on the above cliche. She blocked me from FB and appears to be planning her life with her other M. I have dreams about her every night. We have a child so NC is not possible (although she moved out) and I keep getting hurt. I don't even know what I'm asking for, just venting I suppose and would like to hear from ppl in similar situations. Someone sent me this today and it really hit home: Sometimes people throw away something good for something 'better', only to find out later that good was actually good enough and better never even came close. My ex had a new gf within 3 days of moving out, and was living with her within a week. I feel your pain, but I am actually doing SO much better now. The only thing that has helped me is NC and time (it's been almost 4 months for me). I hope things get better for you, too.
Author rippedapart Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 ...so after the initial mistakes everyone makes(begging, reasoning, crying, talking to her family/friends) Yes, I hate myself for doing that stuff. I took a hard look at my mistakes that I made. I went straight to counseling(for my anger, not to cope), and then started reading all kinds of material. Online stuff too(pathwaytohappiness is helping me). I have a few relationship books I've been reading to help me understand where we both went wrong. Practicing what I've learned when I interact with my ex and actually not feel the need to get angry is self inspiring. I guess that's a coping method. It's been just over 4 months now and though there have been huge strides in her behavior towards me, I'm still at square one. She doesn't want me back. We have a child together so I have this dumb notion that might help in reconciling. I'm keeping hope alive and that helps me cope. It actually does make me feel better knowing that the future is unknown. And I can hope. I won't hope forever tho. Since we see each frequently due to our child, it feels like I'm slowly weening myself from her. Love is a drug and I can't go cold turkey in this situation. So that is helping me cope. I do the usual stuff for coping too. Working out when I can, hanging with friends, going out once in a while, drives while listening to music etc. I even have a journal with all kinds of stuff in it. Poems even. What really helps me is that I talk with my older brother about this at least once a week. He's wise so he brings me back down to earth. Talking with someone who won't judge my ex helped me. You have any good coping methods? How old are you btw, I'm early 30s I thought about starting a journal but someone made fun of me saying only girls do that. I try not to talk too much with my own family as i feel that they rack me up even more telling me I'm an idiot to even think considering her and bad mouthing her. At this stage I still don't hate her, I am just disappointed. Funny I am trying listening to music while driving around but it makes me more sad. I am trying to read as much as I can online etc and found this site very helpful, I wish I knew this site before I did the begging, pleading. At the moment the only way that keeps me going is just talking to people, funny enough I have even talked to complete strangers about personal problems, weird. I feel releived somehow when I talk. Nonetheless I still feel miserable and depressed. Every time I see her (regarding our little one) my emotional roller coaster starts and I try so hard to ignore her and pretend I do not care as the urges of hugging her are great. I can smell her, I try to avoid eye contact. F**k this is so hard!
Author rippedapart Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Someone sent me this today and it really hit home: Sometimes people throw away something good for something 'better', only to find out later that good was actually good enough and better never even came close. Thats great! F****ng true. My ex had a new gf within 3 days of moving out, and was living with her within a week. I feel your pain, but I am actually doing SO much better now. The only thing that has helped me is NC and time (it's been almost 4 months for me). I hope things get better for you, too. Well done, I'm glad you managed to do so well in just 4 months. I cannot see myself being able to do that considering I cannot do NC, best I can do is LC (which I am) due to our little one.
hinatticus Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I have a thread on here if you want to know about my back story. I'm 33 btw. I guess we're around the same age. Regarding the journal, f*ck what people think. My journal is brown and snakeskin looking, in fact it was my ex's. I woulda bought a nice black one but I found this laying around some of her stuff she left behind. I miss her so much too. I just want to hug and kiss her every time I see her. It's weird tho, when I do see her I am genuinely happy. Like I said before I am really trying to practice my new behaviors every chance I get with her. Ill talk about my situation with strangers too. Today at work while setting up a light pole I talked to the boom truck driver about being a single dad. We had that in common so we discussed how much it sucks. I feel your pain man. I went through many phases in the last few months, but surprisingly I never entered anger. Well I did, but it only lasted a few moments. Right now I'm in a depressed phase. I'm really trying to come to grips that she won't come back. Just know that there are many other people who are suffering worse things than we are. Try to think of things you are grateful for. I have that in my journal. I write a few things everyday that I'm grateful for. A lot of them repeat like having my son but after a while you'll start putting all kinds of things in there. Examples are your health, your ability to see and hear and walk, maybe the weather, your job, family, pets, electricity, running water, food to eat, a home etc. Hang in there, people keep saying that it will get easier and it does, but I've had sh*tty setbacks too. Overall I'm doing better now than a few months ago. I don't cry in the shower anymore so that's good. Good luck man and keep posting. That's helped me out.
Author rippedapart Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Well, so far it has been like this for me: 1 good day, 2 bad days, 3 **** days. It has been only 1.5 months and I feel like I'm going backwards. Never felt so lonely in my life! Scared might be going into depression. Don't really know what to do, I mean I hear the advise but don't seem able to cope with it. Tough times, tough times.
hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 I hear ya on the bad and sh*tty days. Crying in the shower, crying on the way to work, crying in front of people im working with, crying on my way home, crying myself to sleep. It freaking sucked major ass. It does get better tho. Being just over 4 months and I can tell you, it's a bit better. I think I might be entering acceptance/depression. That's not stopping me from fighting for her though. You really gotta read something on self help. I've never done anything like that in my life and I can tell you it's helped. Tough times indeed. 1
Author rippedapart Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 That's not stopping me from fighting for her though. Can you elaborate more on that? In my case it's more like "time will tell" thing, at least until the affair fog clears and I may have a chance and even then no idea what I would do and how far down the line it happens, if it ever happens. Sorry to hear your story and what you have been through. I cry too, not usually in front of ppl though. I miss her so much I wish I was able to tell her that. Do you have any links to the material you have been reading and helped you? Thanks and good luck.
magneet Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 hi guys i just want to say im in a similar boat, but i dont have a kid. only difference my case is that im 9 months in, we actually went on vacation recently, a euro road trip and i thought we would get back together. nope, she said mybe at the end of the year. so in reality i believe ive been 'single' for a month now.. i also cry, i could not get out of bed for the first 2 weeks. the ****tiest thing is she is constantly on my mind. and that makes it really tough. the one moment i dont think of her i get a text from her. either way, i would also like to have more info on what you said that you are still fighting for her. either way, im rooting for u guys - even though the situations are different losing something u love is not nice nor easy. ps: i dont know if i cant let go or dont want to let go as i still have hope, and that fcks with me so badly.
hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 Rippedapart. I'm just on my way to work. I'll elaborate when I get back. Hang in there man.
hinatticus Posted July 9, 2012 Posted July 9, 2012 (edited) So the fighting for her thing.... It's a loaded question and there's so much to it. Part of fighting for her is actually doing the coping and self improvement. My ex doesn't want the person I was at the end of the relationship and she doesn't want a sucky baby who's down on himself all the time. Take hard look at yourself. What did you do to contribute to her leaving. For me it was anger. I went to counseling and did lots of reading on relationships then I learned more about myself, stuff I knew I had a problem with(insecurity, communication skills etc). Coping is huge. Start that journal today! You gotta be happy. Self-help sites worked for me on this matter. I'm really into pathwaytohappiness and I'm really thinking of buying the rest of the sessions. First 4 are free and there are tons of free audio podcasts. There is lots of material to go through but I picked and chose what I wanted to improve. Basically getting rid of false beliefs and changing my core beliefs. I could've easily walked away and said nothing is wrong with me. Changing my behavior is part of fighting for her. Practice, practice, practice what you've learned. Every chance I get with her I try to practice the things I've learned. We're on limited contact and she's at a stage where she has let go a bit of the resentment. So every once in a while I'll ask her if she wants to hang out. It's been only family time as I've yet to get an actual date with her. But going to the beach and playing rockband are good steps in the right direction I think. I'm still contemplating when I should ask her on a proper date. I feel she's not ready for that yet. Patience! I had some setbacks but I didn't let those stop my fight. I have a minimum timeframe I'm sticking to. 8 months to a year. She needs to believe the changes are going to stick. Giving her space and not texting/calling all the time. Whenever an argument is about to happen I just take it on the chin. I try to set a calm tone and let her get whatever she needs to say out. It's a fine line between being a man and being a doormat tho. During my fight for her stage I'm intentionally removing some boundaries. My counselor thinks this is a good idea. I hurt my ex to the core and she needs to know that I understand where she is coming from. Part of taking it in the chin is having zero expectations of her. She owes me nothing. If she doesn't respond to my texts, I don't get mad. Having a little hope helps in my fight. I've never been a hopeful person but I'm finding it's helping me stay focused and positive. I have a deal breaker in my fight for her and this where your situation is different. If she starts a relationship im going to back off and just focus on myself. If she comes back and I'm accepting then great if not then I know I'll be a better man for my next partner. In your case I would just give her space and let her initiate any conversations. I would always try to be happy and show her I'm fine without her. I'd focus on improving myself. Maybe let her know about the things you're doing to improve yourself. Don't rub it in tho. Some books on relationships I find really helpful are- "reconcilable differences", "couple skills" and believe it or not "men are from mars women are from Venus" I don't know if any of this will help in your situation but it's helping me. Also, my son is my motivation. You need to have something to motivate you. Oh, a little more on coping... Talk to someone who isn't judgmental of your ex. It might be hard in your situation and this is where a counselor might be a good option. Work out, eat, pick up a hobby, go for a drive when the weather is nice, spend quality time with your girl, visit this site and read stories that are far worse than your own, and go out once in a while. Hope this helps and good luck man. Edited July 9, 2012 by hinatticus
Author rippedapart Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Hey hinatticus & the rest, Thanks for your replies. I hear ya all and I am taking the advise seriously. I have been reading pages & pages on this site. Few things that have changed and I cannot go into details now. I am getting the so called breadcrumbs and I am being friend-zoned. Thats how it appears from my perspective.We met and she let it slide that she is not really sure if she did the right thing but then was almost like changed personality and getting defensive. She is putting ALOT of effort into appearing & behaving happy, (making comments how happy she is) although to me is all fake and mind games. I am still confused/angry/sad and after all that happened everyone tells me it not worth it but no one can really see how I feel. I can't seem to be able to shut her off or my feelings for her which leads to me feeling pathetic! I can't seem to shake off the rejection. I contemplate to tell her exactly how I feel but it will sound like a pathetic attempt to make her feel sorry and also the rejection will hit again and I will get hurt again. How friendly should I be? I have to for my little girls sake but there has to be a boundary right, I don't want to end up someone for her to unload her issues then run away. That being said tho, if I am not friendly enough how can I show to her (prove if you like) that I am better and I am in control of my life? She is having doubts about her OM apparently but may be prepared to go the extra mile for him. Only time will tell really. If anyone can have their 2 cents on the above, please do so. Do these relations often work out or are they doomed to fail? I wish I could get her out of my head. Yes, I know, heard ya, I should look after my self, do my hobbies, etc etc. For some reason it ain't working. I am scared going into meds as been told they take awhile to work and side effects and also may become depended on them. I usually tend to put up with pain, well until now lol. My sleeping was going good then suddenly last few days I started waking up really early again and being restless. Is it also common to see her in my dreams every single night? Sorry I wrote this quickly at work so hopefully it makes sense.
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