Ben Button Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 This woman and I have been close friends for a few years, and we work at the same company. I’m 30 and she’s 40, and we get along great and have a lot in common. She’s definitely my best female friend. On top of that, she’s gorgeous. She has guys hitting on her everywhere she goes … even 20 year old guys at the gym. Anyway, ever since we’ve been friends, everyone either thinks we’re together, or thinks we would be perfect for each other, but my excuse is that we work together and we’re just friends, and her excuse is that we work together and I’m too young (this is what we tell other people, but we’ve never discussed the situation with each other). Fair enough, right? The truth of the matter is that my excuse is a front … I do have feelings for her, and have for a while, but I’m not sure how she feels about me. Everyone tells me that they can tell that she has feelings for me too, and I want to believe it. If I wasn’t friends with some of her friends, I would definitely think that she only saw me as just a friend … but they’ve told me some things over the last year or so that have made me question her feelings for me. Here are some examples of some of the things she’s done and what her friends have said to me, and keep in mind that they’re the ones who bring her up in conversation, not me: -This happens all the time: She’ll be very short with me either in person or in a text, so I’ll leave her alone. But then just a couple of days later, I’ll see one of her friends and they’ll tell me that she talks about me all the time to everyone, or they’ll tell me that she’s always bragging about me. -She tells her friends (and me) that I make her happy -She’s made it a point to become good friends with my best guy friends -I bought a personalized t-shirt for her a couple of months ago as a small gift for an accomplishment of hers. I thought she would love it, so I was expecting her to be excited when I gave it to her, but all I got was an exhausted smile and “thanks …” However, her friends have told me that she talks about it all the time and how much she loves it, and that she always talks about how thoughtful I am. And apparently she wears it when she sleeps. -We’re both music lovers, and I remix music as a hobby, so I’ve made a few mixes for her. According to her friends, she listens to my music every single day, including every morning when she wakes up, and every night when she’s at the gym. (I’m a witness to the gym part … I’ve heard her listening to it before when we’ve both been there at the same time) She says it makes her feel good. These are all just off the top of my head. And one thing that I think is interesting about the whole situation is that we never discuss our dating lives with each other. I literally know everything about this woman EXCEPT what’s going on in her dating life, and she can say the same about me. I know she talks about it with her other friends … just not me. But the same goes for me, and the reason I don’t discuss it with her is because I have feelings for her … it’s that simple. Even though I KNOW she can tell that I like her, I’ve never actually told her that I have feelings for her, but I do tell her all the time that I care about her, and she’ll usually just blush and smile. I even told her once that I think about her a lot, and she told me she thinks about me a lot, too. But any time I ask her to go hang out or do something, she declines. Another note is that she has some major trust issues with men, and has been burned a lot in the past, according to her friends, so I’m sure that has something to do with all of this. Plus, I’m 10 years younger than her and we work together, so I’m sure those are factors, as well. I’m not saying that I don’t understand her hesitation, but I guess I just don’t understand why she gets short with me and acts like she’s not interested when I’m around, yet she tells her friends all of these things that all point to “I have feelings for you”. Is she wanting me to come forward? Am I just reading too much into all of it? Any insight?
Nicomis Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it ain't gonna happen. Get over it, and start seeing someone else, and that's when you will find out if she REALLY LIKES you. Chances are, you are in the dreaded "friend zone". If you told her how you felt, she would just say "I don't want a relationship right now", and then become exclusive with someone else two weeks later. Trust me, I have lived that scenario.
carhill Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome to LS If you had to place a number on it, how long after you first became friends with her was your first recollection of being attracted to her sexually? Why would you each refrain from sharing your social lives with each other? I know you can't speak for her but why for yourself? Friends share their 'stuff' with each other. It's part of friendship. Normal. When was the last time you broke bread at her house? Another of those friendship things. Dinner parties, BBQ's, swim parties, etc. Social gatherings of friends. How does that go? My insight will come later
Author Ben Button Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome to LS If you had to place a number on it, how long after you first became friends with her was your first recollection of being attracted to her sexually? Why would you each refrain from sharing your social lives with each other? I know you can't speak for her but why for yourself? Friends share their 'stuff' with each other. It's part of friendship. Normal. When was the last time you broke bread at her house? Another of those friendship things. Dinner parties, BBQ's, swim parties, etc. Social gatherings of friends. How does that go? My insight will come later We've been friends for close to five years, and I'd say it was about three years ago that I first became attracted to her, but it was just a feeling that I kind of pushed back ... I never really thought about it much. In fact, the catalyst for me even becoming attracted to her was when other people who knew both of us started making comments to me like "she's so into you" and "she likes you, why don't you ask her out already?" As for me not sharing things with her, the only thing I don't share is my dating life. I guess the reason I don't share it with her is because I don't want our friendship to reach the level of "I'm coming to you for advice on how to get this girl who isn't you" and vice versa. She doesn't ask and I don't tell, and the same goes for me, I don't ask and she doesn't tell. Plus I don't think she would want to hear about it, anyway ... she asks other people "so what's new with your love life?", but has never asked me. I've only been to her house once, and she's been to mine a few times, but it's been a while. When she has been over, she's made joking comments like "if I'm gonna be over here, you're gonna have to ditch this lamp ... I can't live with this" and she'll smile. When we're around friends, she typically hangs around me most of the time, and 9 times out of 10, she'll leave with me when I leave. Actually, when we're in social settings is when I get the feeling it might be mutual. It's when it's just the two of us that I feel differently.
joystickd Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Your best bet now is to move on. You are the surrogate boyfriend because she gets all be benefits of a relationship without sex. Also by moving on since you haven't made it clear how you feel if she does feel anything she may come out with it but I highly doubt it. Has she ever mentioned about fixing you up with someone?
Author Ben Button Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 No, she's never mentioned fixing me up with someone. She doesn't talk about other women, period.
joystickd Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 No, she's never mentioned fixing me up with someone. She doesn't talk about other women, period. You are a surrogate boyfriend. Its time to just keep it friendship and find a woman that is really into you to have feelings for. All you will ever be to this woman is the "safe guy". You know the one she will always have around.
Author Ben Button Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 So just curious, why does she talk so much about me to her friends? And why do they tell me about it?
carhill Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Secret language. Women know what keeps some men around. Talk is a part of it. My exW called it the 'barbie hotline'. What would be the worst thing that could happen if you asked her out on a date? My guess is that she'd reject you and end the friendship. Give us your version. Relationships invariably involve an element of risk. IMO, your risk should have been taken about three years ago. It is what it is. Risk now or forever be unrequited. Pretty simple choice.
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