Fell in love with another woman

[Keklal]

First of all, Hi. I am very thankful I found this forum at this juncture of my life. Everything that follows is the truth. It might sound overdone, or maybe that is what all men in my position say, but it is true.

 

Who am I? I'm a 30-something year old man. Married, I have one son and my wife is expecting our second. She is due in August. I have a managerial position in a global firm. My wife is a few years older than I. We have been together for seven years and a half. My wife was my first, and I love her very much still. In no way shape or form is there any kind of hatred or bad blood between us. We are happy. I come from a divorced home, and I am NEVER going to leave the mother of my children, because I know what it did to me. I don't care about my personal happiness once children are in the picture. I'd rather have a ****ty, dreary existence and know my children grew up loved and in a family home than be happy and have my children be unhappy.

 

Let me start the rest of the post by stating that I had, before this time, occasions to cheat on my wife. I never took them, much less envisioned them, despite the fact they would have definitely have been risk-free. I was in college at the time, and overseas besides. And the women all went home to their respective countries afterwards. My wife (girlfriend at the time) had stayed in Europe. She never would have known. But I never actually felt attracted enough in that special way to actually act on it. Not that it absolves me of the guilt that is to follow, but I just wanted to make a point.

 

You need to know that I do not live in my country of origin, and that I had to learn the language of the country I live in currently from scratch. And that I feel constrained using it. Not that I do not use it well, but I just know I am a different person when I speak the other three languages I master. It is simply a fact, people comment on it all the time. It might be difficult to explain just how important this is to me. I don't hate this language I speak on a daily basis, but neither do I love it.

 

Cue this girl - because she is a girl, at only 21. She looks very good, no point denying it. The first time I saw her, I sighed internally, because I'd seen the leering faces of the other men at work, and I was thinking it was going to be a gigantic pain in the ass for me to manage the situation. So I was rather cold, yet professional, at first. We work together, no problem. Then suddenly she speaks english to me. And she speaks it well. Suddenly we start speaking english, regardless of the other people in the room. I cannot explain it any differently than we just click.

 

Can't help myself. I do crazy stuff, like write down her schedule and personal information, do a pipl search on her. We exchange numbers, and I get a smartphone... We message pretty much 10 hours per day. I start lying to my wife, staying later at work just to see her and talk to her. I try to tell myself I'm going to friend zone her, and I resist for a while, but after a while we kiss... And it's just wonderful. She is wonderful too, much more than just a pretty face (who isn't? But how many people just stop at looks when they see a beautiful woman...). I can't stop thinking about her. Right now, we are just short of sleeping together... She keeps saying she would feel horrible by sleeping with a married man, and I understand perfectly the way she feels. I wish my brain could somehow take control of my body again.

 

But I feel the symptoms of love: heart beating really fast, longing to be with her all the time (I still take all my duties seriously though... I am not neglecting my wife or my children - the time I spend with this other girl is time I usually would dedicate to other social activities with friends)...

 

I don't know what to do. Or rather I do what I should do, but I know I am not going to do it. The worst thing is I also know I am probably going to end up hurting this girl, and I don't want to. I already thought that one day she is going to end up leaving for work/college somewhere else, and I certainly will push her away and hide my tears and despair. Yesterday I thought about that day in the car, and started crying like a baby. Right this moment I am misting up just thinking about it.

 

I hope there is somebody here than has experience with a similar experience, or that can offer me any kind of insight or help, because I feel like I am seriously going nuts.

[Balzac]

The definition of going nuts is holding the belief that children raised in a troubled marriage are not wise nor suffering.

 

This swoon is fun now, the question is why are you vulnerable? What's lacking in your marriage?

[whichwayisup]

Married, I have one son and my wife is expecting our second. She is due in August. I have a managerial position in a global firm. My wife is a few years older than I. We have been together for seven years and a half. My wife was my first, and I love her very much still. In no way shape or form is there any kind of hatred or bad blood between us. We are happy. I come from a divorced home, and I am NEVER going to leave the mother of my children, because I know what it did to me. I don't care about my personal happiness once children are in the picture. I'd rather have a ****ty, dreary existence and know my children grew up loved and in a family home than be happy and have my children be unhappy.

 

You threw all this out the window the minute you started pursuing this young girl. You are putting your own ego, desires and self in front of what is best for your pregnant wife and young child. You know first hand what divorce can do to a family unit, yet you are risking everything.. For what? A lustful crush that has your heart and body parts tingling?

 

This girl is not so innocent. She knows (unless you have not told her you are married, with a young child and a baby on the way) you are married and have kid(s) so it's not like she doesn't know what she's doing. Your first concern and priority should be with your wife, not this OW.

 

Affairs HURT people, so if you don't want to hurt this young woman, tell her you can't continue on (if you do continue on, you will hurt her badly as she'll get too attached to you, more than she already is) and it'll be harder to end.

 

If your wife found out the truth right now, don't you think she would be hurting? Who would you rather having hurting - Wife or OW?

 

Please stop what you're doing and end the A before it gets too serious and is taken to the next level. You have TOO MUCH TO LOSE by doing this. It's selfish and mean to do to your pregnant wife.

[whichwayisup]

The definition of going nuts is holding the belief that children raised in a troubled marriage are not wise nor suffering.

 

This swoon is fun now, the question is why are you vulnerable? What's lacking in your marriage?

 

No, he said is marriage is good and he's happy. That means something is broken INSIDE OF HIM..Even more so since he knows what he is doing is wrong, he knows what the consquences and fallout are going to be, yet he still has chosen this cheating path. He isn't living up to his promises and vows. That's on him, not his wife.

[frozensprouts]

( i hope you don't mind my responding...i haven't been in your position ( wayward spouse), but have been a betrayed spouse, so please keep that in mind when you read my response)...

 

firstly...

 

I know you feel like you are there for your wife and child(ren), but from my own experience ( and the experience of many, many others) the idea that you can cheat and it won't affect your wife/children really is kind of a "pie in the sky" idea...it almost always hurts, in ways that often can't be described or understood by someone who hasn't been in that position...

 

And it will affect your children, in ways you can not predict. My husband thought that his cheating wouldn't hurt our children, that they'd never know. But after a while, he found it harder and harder to keep it together, and it started affecting his behavior. It hurt me, and our children saw that...they knew I was sad, they knew I was angry, they knew I was hurting. It's almost impossible to hide that from your kids, and even if they never know exactly why, they will know mom and dad aren't happy, and kids have a way of assigning blame for that on themselves...

 

I also know that right now, you probably think you can handle it, that you can keep things separate...but how do you know what your other woman will do? Maybe she'll get sick of being used and she'll spill the beans to your wife, maybe ( especially if you are her boss) she'll make things bad for you at work, maybe she'll pass along and STD to you or end up pregnant, there are a whole lot of variables you have no control over.

 

i could say to you that you should end your affair and things will be fine again, but they won't. There is something in you right now that allowed you to cheat ( the fact that you never did before is irrelevant). Whatever it is in you that caused you to make the decision to cheat will still be there, and you could very well find yourself in the same position again. It sounds to me like you have some issues that could benefit from counseling...not only for your marriage, but also for your own happiness.

 

If you do decide to stay with this other woman, they please, please PLEASE tell your wife and let her decide what she wants to do with her life. By hiding it from her, even if you think you are doing it for your kids, you are taking away her choices and her chance at real happiness, all the while making your choices because they make YOU happy...

 

think of it this way...imagine your daughter as an adult in your wife's situation. What would you want for her? Whatever that may be, then do that for your wife.

 

best of luck to you

[Balzac]

No, he said is marriage is good and he's happy. That means something is broken INSIDE OF HIM..Even more so since he knows what he is doing is wrong, he knows what the consquences and fallout are going to be, yet he still has chosen this cheating path. He isn't living up to his promises and vows. That's on him, not his wife.

 

To be clear, in no way did I cast aspersions on his wife. My point is that he asserted convictions regarding marriage/divorce but describes actions that lead readers to conclude he would expect wife to end the marriage. It's not an uncommon ploy albeit not consciously his strategic plan.

 

Second pregnancy, what sounds to be close time line, kids change the dynamics of a marriage. Not all good nor all bad. Children require time and effort.

Not blaming either party just pointing out that many marriages struggle under the demands of career add multiple infants.

[awkward]

... My wife was my first, and I love her very much still. In no way shape or form is there any kind of hatred or bad blood between us. We are happy. ... I don't care about my personal happiness once children are in the picture. I'd rather have a ****ty, dreary existence and know my children grew up loved and in a family home than be happy and have my children be unhappy.

A man who is happy and in love with his PREGNANT wife cheats on her because ...? Why?

 

The affair is for YOU not your kids. The affair is about your personal "happiness" not your childrens. Your are lying to everyone including yourself.

[BetrayedH]

The definition of going nuts is holding the belief that children raised in a troubled marriage are not wise nor suffering.

 

This swoon is fun now, the question is why are you vulnerable? What's lacking in your marriage?

 

It sounds like the only thing missing in his marriage is his commitment to it. People are tempted all the time. By his own admission, there is notbing wrong with his wife. On the other hand, there is something seriously wrong with a person that will keep his wife fully committed and living a lie while he cowardly lies and cheats.

[whichwayisup]

I wish my brain could somehow take control of my body again.

Tell your wife what has happened, seeing her reaction will make your brain control your body.

 

Not blaming either party just pointing out that many marriages struggle under the demands of career add multiple infants.

 

He is to blame. Someone is at fault and it certainly can't be blamed on the family unit (kid and another one on the way) nor on his wife. The only person left to blame is him.

 

Yes, many marriages struggle and have rough times with careers and young kids, but that is not an excuse to go help yourself to someone else on the side. That's total bunk and even more so when he has wife sitting at home pregnant with his second child.

[Furious]

Who do you think you are to decide on behalf of your wife that she live a in false marriage, that her reality is irrelevant as long as you can bang a 21 year old.

 

Do you think she would be having a second child if she knew what you were doing behind her back, do you think she would invest the rest of her life with you if she knew the truth.

 

Please don't paint yourself as a Martyr for your children's sake.

 

Divorce your wife, she and the children want a real husband and not a pretend saint.

[Manimal]

I don't get threads like this. And I am in now way trying to disparage the OP.

 

You are in a happy marriage? And you have kids? Step up like a man and cease & desist with this burgeoning affair. If you are happily married, focus your energies on your family. Your wife is pregnant, hormonal, probably miserable half the time from carrying a human being around in her torso, and more than likely not feeling all that attractive because of it. She needs you, man, to be there for her, and most definitely not slinking around chasing skirt.

 

You said in your post that you will not leave your family. You have your answer. With all due respect, grow a pair.

[never93mind]

You just do not understand that when the trust in marriage is gone, it is GONE! You just can not take it back.... just be honest...talk to your wife right now... say that you are sorry and ask for forgiveness... just do not lie or hide anything as it will make your situation worse.... She deserve and has the right to know everything and then decide if she wants to stay with you or not.... you gave each other this right when you two married.

Edited July 4, 2012 by never93mind

[Balzac]

Twelve comments but until now, nary a mention of The Seven Year Itch.

[woinlove]

To be clear, in no way did I cast aspersions on his wife. My point is that he asserted convictions regarding marriage/divorce but describes actions that lead readers to conclude he would expect wife to end the marriage. It's not an uncommon ploy albeit not consciously his strategic plan.

 

Second pregnancy, what sounds to be close time line, kids change the dynamics of a marriage. Not all good nor all bad. Children require time and effort.

Not blaming either party just pointing out that many marriages struggle under the demands of career add multiple infants.

 

I don't think it is the time and effort during pregnancy, so much as having a pregnant wife. MM starting an affair while their wife is pregnant is not unusual. Perhaps some prefer non-pregnant women sexually. Sad.

[Emme]

I am going to focus on the positive. You haven't slept with her... yet. A kiss is still a kiss but once you cross the line sexually its added emotions that harm.

 

Here's your wake up call. She is a 21 year old woman. Woman meaning that she is capable of making adult decisions. No one accidentally cheats. It is done with intent. This woman and yourself have manipulated each other to get to where you are and you've enjoyed the journey. She intended for you to fall for her. A woman always sizes up a man as to whether or not she wants to move forward. She probably had you in mind before you saw her. She is not a girl!

 

This woman is about to destroy your life. Co-worker... bad news. Your pregnant wife and child need insurance (depending on country). Think about that when she tosses her hair for you to smell. Your children are going to need their dad to not get fired especially if you are the bread winner. Think about that when you make lunch dates. You say you are taking care of your responsibilities and will not let anything happen to your family. Every time you meet this woman you are doing just that. You are not holding up to your truth that you wouldn't hurt them. I don't know the rules of your company if this relationship should be. Are you even concerned about this woman claiming sexual harassment. I want you to write down every negative thing that could be a outcome because of you having fun. Then let those tears flow ... Don't waste them on her, she'll be alright.

 

You are not in a happy marriage. Something is lacking. Spend your free time figuring out what it is... Speaking english doesn't do that to people. Either you're burned out, stressed, need a new scenery (english speaking country). Figure it out.

[Quiet Storm]

My wife was my first, and I love her very much still. In no way shape or form is there any kind of hatred or bad blood between us. We are happy. I come from a divorced home, and I am NEVER going to leave the mother of my children, because I know what it did to me. I don't care about my personal happiness once children are in the picture. I'd rather have a ****ty, dreary existence and know my children grew up loved and in a family home than be happy and have my children be unhappy.

You are putting what you say you want most, at risk. You write like you think you are the only person who has a say in ending your marriage. You act like she won't leave you or ask you to leave. You act like the knowledge of this won't devastate her and change her outlook on life. This could change her and the way she mothers your children. You are robbing your family and the attention they need & deserve, and giving that to the OW. If you did not place your personal happiness over your family, you would not be doing this.

 

You need to know that I do not live in my country of origin, and that I had to learn the language of the country I live in currently from scratch. And that I feel constrained using it. Not that I do not use it well, but I just know I am a different person when I speak the other three languages I master. It is simply a fact, people comment on it all the time. It might be difficult to explain just how important this is to me. I don't hate this language I speak on a daily basis, but neither do I love it.

 

Cue this girl - because she is a girl, at only 21. She looks very good, no point denying it. The first time I saw her, I sighed internally, because I'd seen the leering faces of the other men at work, and I was thinking it was going to be a gigantic pain in the ass for me to manage the situation. So I was rather cold, yet professional, at first. We work together, no problem. Then suddenly she speaks english to me. And she speaks it well. Suddenly we start speaking english, regardless of the other people in the room. I cannot explain it any differently than we just click.

The language thing made you comfortable with her. Feeling comfortable is the first step on the slippery slope to infidelity. She is not special. You would have "clicked" with any other young, hot woman that spoke English.

Can't help myself. I do crazy stuff, like write down her schedule and personal information, do a pipl search on her. We exchange numbers, and I get a smartphone... We message pretty much 10 hours per day. I start lying to my wife, staying later at work just to see her and talk to her. I try to tell myself I'm going to friend zone her, and I resist for a while, but after a while we kiss... And it's just wonderful. She is wonderful too, much more than just a pretty face (who isn't? But how many people just stop at looks when they see a beautiful woman...). I can't stop thinking about her. Right now, we are just short of sleeping together... She keeps saying she would feel horrible by sleeping with a married man, and I understand perfectly the way she feels. I wish my brain could somehow take control of my body again.

You have control over your body. Don't fool yourself. You just don't want to be in control. You like these feelings and want any excuse to act on them. Understand that these are only attraction chemicals that are firing in your brain. They don't mean anything. They are the same dopamine reactions that would happen if you take cocaine. It is a high that has nothing to do with compatibility, and everything to do with biology, and what prompts humans to mate. People avoid this temptation every day. People have these feelings and DO NOT ACT ON THEM. Your emotions and your sexual attraction do not have to rule you.

 

But I feel the symptoms of love: heart beating really fast, longing to be with her all the time (I still take all my duties seriously though... I am not neglecting my wife or my children - the time I spend with this other girl is time I usually would dedicate to other social activities with friends)...

Again, see above. It's just chemicals, dude. Everyone that's "in love" feels the same thing. It's not special, and its not love.

I don't know what to do. Or rather I do what I should do, but I know I am not going to do it. The worst thing is I also know I am probably going to end up hurting this girl, and I don't want to. I already thought that one day she is going to end up leaving for work/college somewhere else, and I certainly will push her away and hide my tears and despair. Yesterday I thought about that day in the car, and started crying like a baby. Right this moment I am misting up just thinking about it.

You are a junkie, dude. If hurting her is the only collateral damage, you'll be lucky. Where are your tears for hurting your wife? Where is your despair for the damage you are doing to your family?

 

I hope there is somebody here than has experience with a similar experience, or that can offer me any kind of insight or help, because I feel like I am seriously going nuts.

You are in the fog of limerence. You need to start thinking with your big head and get your priorities straight before you lose what you claim to care most about (an intact family).

[chalkfarm]

You say you don't want to hurt "the girl" and you truly love your wife - but if you continue you will absolutely 100% DESTROY these women.

 

The effects of affairs are obliterative. Period.

 

The amount of damage you will cause is the emotional equivalent of Hiroshima. It is atomic, nuclear, absolute. And you have the power RIGHT NOW to stop the holocaust.

 

BE A MAN AND TAKE THE HIT! JUST STOP! Even if stopping hurts you right now, the kind of hurt you will cause and the kind of guilt you will feel down the line, will far outweigh any pleasure.

 

I say this as an ex-other woman. Being in an affair with a man who left his wife and then moved back almost killed me. Do you want to be that guy to this "girl"? Do you want to forever be the a$$ who used her like that? How would you feel if some guy used and lied to your daughter, you wife, your mother, your sister?

 

Step away and do not become an emotional rapist because you are on the selfish fast train to all kinds of trauma.

 

I know you will read this and think "Wow! Chalk-Farm is really exaggerating." But I promise you - I speak the truth.

[chalkfarm]

You act like the knowledge of this won't devastate her and change her outlook on life.

 

 

Yes! DEVASTATION! Yes! A perfect word.

[Balzac]

Agreed that men often have affairs during their wife's pregnancy.

I've often wondered why women aren't more wise to it. Maybe it's the natural state of pregnancy?

[CarrieT]

We message pretty much 10 hours per day.

Stop this immediately. This is an obsession.

 

But I feel the symptoms of love: heart beating really fast, longing to be with her all the time

That is not love. It is lust. Chemical lust and nothing else.

 

I am not neglecting my wife or my children - the time I spend with this other girl is time I usually would dedicate to other social activities with friends)...

Well that is a flat-out lie. Ten hours of texting can only occur when something else is being neglected and I'm pretty confident it is your wife and child if your heart and mind are not wholly and 100% part of your family.

 

I don't know what to do. Or rather I do know what I should do, but I know I am not going to do it. The worst thing is I also know I am probably going to end up hurting this girl, and I don't want to.

Then why don't you grow some balls and do the right thing???

 

Yesterday I thought about that day in the car, and started crying like a baby. Right this moment I am misting up just thinking about it.

Good - that means there is hope for you if IF you stop this before it goes further.

 

I hope there is somebody here than has experience with a similar experience, or that can offer me any kind of insight or help, because I feel like I am seriously going nuts.

Lots and lots of us. I ended a 12-year relationship for a guy with whom I had almost the exact same feelings; couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, obsessed and all that - butterflies in the stomach and electricity when we were near. A complete a total frenzy for want of this other person... Yep - I was there.

 

And you know what? IT NEVER WORKS!!!! The obsession/frenzy/need never, ever lasts and it only hurts those closest to us.

 

Get out now while you can.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll put this for you in English so it carries some more weigh:

 

My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant.

 

It is the second most traumatic thing I have ever been through

(aside from having my child taken, she has been returned thank God)

 

It was more traumatic then my father trying to kill me.

It was more traumatic then being assaulted.

 

And he cannot take it back no matter how much we go through and how many years pass.

 

A woman is her most vulnerable when she is pregnant. Men who cheat on their pregnant wives (like YOU are doing) are ****ing douchebags. I'm willing to take the "vacation" to say it.

 

Go home to your wife and stop being such a selfish loser over some kid. I mean your "girlfriend"

 

You're 30 and very much old enough to know better.

 

What pity should their be for you and the slut? And yes her messing around with you having two kids is exactly what you'd be helping Christen her as.

 

By the way "feeling really bad about it afterwards" isn't worth **** to a broken-hearted wife who has to look at her little kids faces everyday and see the man that ripped her heart out.

 

In my eighth month of pregnancy when I found out, I told my husband I didn't even want our baby. And at the time I didn't. It was even hard to bond with her after the birth because I felt so worthless. Those times were supposed to be the most special. Instead I spent them feeling like a failure as a wife and then as a mother. All because some prick I married wanted cunt.

 

If you are texting your gf 10 hours a day, you are not focusing on that pregnancy or your child. Your mind is filled up of t & a and English-speaking fantasies. Don't think your withdrawal isn't obvious.

 

It really hurt how withdrawn my husband was. He couldn't have given a **** unless he was trying to fake it. And guess what? He may as well have missed

the whole pregnancy. You cannot be in two places at once.

 

Figure out which place you are going to be in, otherwise just go play in traffic. The world is full of millions of married men just like you, no one would notice.

[frozensprouts]

I re-read this thread, an the more I think about it the angrier I am...

 

cheating on your pregnant wife? Risking her health and the health of your unborn child who you say you "love"...with that kind of love, who needs apathy?

 

Seriously... ( and I am going to be polite here...there's some other words I'd much rather use)

Grow the h@ll up and act like an adult...not like some teenager who's brain is so soaked in hormones he can't think straight! In other words...ACT LIKE A MAN, NOT A BOY!

[It's Just Me]

What bothers me is that the OP is more worried about hurting the OW (thinking about ending it makes him want to break down and cry) than he is worried about hurting his wife. Not good.

 

And dude... if you think for one second that your wife is oblivious to this change in your behaviour, and isn't wondering why you're acting so strangely (yes, you are) - think again.

 

Don't do this.

[awkward]

Is there anything to update OP?

[alexandria35]

Well looks like he aint coming back. Guess he didn't get the response he was hoping for. I find it interesting that a couple of people have insisted that he is in an unhappy marriage although he stated that his marriage is fine.

 

I do want to say that I lived somewhere for about two years where English was not the native language. I loved it but I also missed hearing and speaking in my native tongue. Occasionally a stranger would overhear me speaking English to my companion and approach me because they were also English speaking. Now I'm an intoverted person by nature, I don't warm up to people easily and I don't really like being approached by strangers, however in that situation I would truly light up when somebody would speak English to me, stranger or not. When I came back home I remember telling my mom how strangers would greet me in English and we'd get so happy and talk to each other like we were long last family or something....lol. It was homesickness of course, but it was just funny how fast we would totally warm to each other and feel connected over something like speaking the same language. And years later I had a long term relatonship with somebody who didn't come from here and didn't speak English as his mother language. Occasionally he would encounter someone from his homeland and he too would light up at meeting this person who he could speak in his language to. I was always just a little uncomfortable if this person was a female because I knew they were sharing a connection which I could not share with them. Not sure what this has to do with anything but the OP said he was quite indifferent to the OW right up until she spoke English to him.