stucky Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hello everyone. Im going through a change with my marrige and I needed to put it out in words since I have no one else to really share my thoughts with. A little about my relationship. Started dating in high school when we were 16 & 15. We were each orthers first kiss, first love, first intimate relation. We continued to date for the next 6 years. after the first couple of years of dating I wasent sure If I wanted this relationship to last. As the years went on I have always had some sort of feeling in the back of my mind that I would be happier out of this relationship. You can imagine how much someone changes between early highschool to the age of 25. We both have different outlooks and goals in life. Our sex life has become mis erable. When it does happen it feels all very forced and dull, always the same position with me doing all the work as she lies there and enjoys (i think). She doesnt like other positions because she is insecure about her body, but does nothing about it. One of the things that bother me most is her need to be constantly tied to the hip. Everything has to be done together or she gets mad. If I want to stay up late to watch tv or do work on the computer she gets upset about it. She is just really suffocating me. In the last 6 months I have developed some pretty strong anxiety and was put on lexapro. We have pretty much been together since we were kids in high school. We got married in vegas after a mutual decision, I didnt even propose to her. We have never even dated, kissed, or have been intimate with anyone else in our lifetime. I feel no attraction to her anymore. I dont think I am in love with her anymore. I think that either one of us could be codependent. I tell her yes all the time when I want to say no. Shes ask me to do task for her constantly that she is fully capable of doing. Example would be getting her a glass of water because she thristy when were both just sitting there watching tv. If i say no she thinks im being mean so i just say yes all the time. I give up whatever i want to do to complete her request. I feel responsble for her happiness, she never is happy. She longs for the relationship to be like it was in the past and says that im a different person(i am). She thinks I need to up my dose of lexapro but I wont do it because i think the relationship is what is causing the anxiety depression. I dont want to go home when shes there, I dont want to kiss her, or cuddle. I feel crushed that it didnt work out only because i know she will be heart broken. She doesnt have strong family ties or friends that she can fall back on either. Im scared of what she would do to herself as being i think shes slightly depressed already. I just want her to be happy and find someone new that can give her what she needs. I dont know who I am as a person anymore.
Tallblueyed Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I feel responsble for her happiness I dont know who I am as a person anymore. I relate to the above. I wish I had words of encouragement, but I am still in the thick of it. It is a very heavy burden to feel responsible for another's happiness, especially when you love them. I will keep an eye on this thread, hopefully there will be some wise words shared.
AllieKat Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 You know somethings after being with someone so long Ive heard ppl get bored! Maybe you need a break/seperation to see if the grass is greener, chances is its not but you owe it to yourself to see! Routine and habits form over years and maybe some of these are just needed reeved up! Best of luck
Balzac Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 You need to get honest with yourself, learn what personal boundaries are and keeping talking here. You seem to have sold your soul to stay in this relationship. You are entitled to change as a person and she is entities to choose against change. In life we are all free to make poor decisions and mistakes. Do you communicate with her about your feelings of being smothered and controlled?
carhill Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome to LS Since you've been prescribed an anti-depressant, I hope the prescribing doctor referred you for counseling and you are attending. If so, how is that going? If not, do you have plans to begin? I would get a month of IC under my belt, then suggest to my wife to join me in a MC session. The response will be telling. People change and grow throughout life right up until they die. It's how one processes and accepts change which determines the continuation or ending of relationships. You have choices. Tomorrow is a new day. What are you going to do?
Balzac Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hey Stucky welcome to LS. This is a safe, sane place to vent, open up, rant, gnash teeth or develop a strategic plan. Sorry I omitted the rousing welcome. Keep talking to us!!!
hypersonic Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Welcome to LS Since you've been prescribed an anti-depressant, I hope the prescribing doctor referred you for counseling and you are attending. If so, how is that going? If not, do you have plans to begin? I would get a month of IC under my belt, then suggest to my wife to join me in a MC session. The response will be telling. Very good advice! The depression/anxiety (two sides of same coin) are a symptom only. The meds will treat the symptom but you have to address the underlying cause or you will just end up on more medication/different medications/etc...
Author stucky Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I relate to the above. I wish I had words of encouragement, but I am still in the thick of it. It is a very heavy burden to feel responsible for another's happiness, especially when you love them. I will keep an eye on this thread, hopefully there will be some wise words shared. It makes me feel horrible. Its almost like a parent/child relationship. If I split up so that I can be happy i feel horrible because then shes going to be unhappy. I put everyones happiness ahead of mine. Ive been reading through a book called "codependent no more" and it explains why we feel this way, but it doesnt make it any easier.
Author stucky Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 You need to get honest with yourself, learn what personal boundaries are and keeping talking here. You seem to have sold your soul to stay in this relationship. You are entitled to change as a person and she is entities to choose against change. In life we are all free to make poor decisions and mistakes. Do you communicate with her about your feelings of being smothered and controlled? We dont communicate very well. I am a quiet reserved person. When we get in arguments I become silent. I dont know why i go silent but i dont want to talk to her in an argument. She thens gets pissed because im silent. Weve got into a couple times when i try to tell her that she can do something on her own, or that im not going to head to bed yet. And it always sends her into a silent anger and she will go do it, but you can tell shes mad about it. I dont really want mc becuase i already know that i dont want this relationship even if she were to change. My mind already has these feelings of her.
Author stucky Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Welcome to LS Since you've been prescribed an anti-depressant, I hope the prescribing doctor referred you for counseling and you are attending. If so, how is that going? If not, do you have plans to begin? I would get a month of IC under my belt, then suggest to my wife to join me in a MC session. The response will be telling. People change and grow throughout life right up until they die. It's how one processes and accepts change which determines the continuation or ending of relationships. You have choices. Tomorrow is a new day. What are you going to do? My doc has not requested conseling. I was thinking about asking for it so I had someone to talk to about things. I dont really want mc, i feel like i want out of this relationship. Even if she tried to chanhe id still have these same feelings about her. Its been so long i dont think its even possible to recovering what we had. I guess i have made up my mind about wanting to be in this relationship. My main problem is the issue about feeling responsible for her being happy. And crushing her with the news of splitting up. Its what has me the most bothered out of anything in life.
sad puppy Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 No easy way out, to get out of the fire, you must walk through the fire. You must tell her, be gentle and firm, but you have to just do it. Yes, it will suck, so do a million other things we have to do in life. It must be done, you've made up your mind. It's better than being wishy washy, that's kinder than sending mixed messages.
worldgonewrong Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 I think you can discuss boundaries and such, via counseling, without torpedoing the marriage. Obviously, there was something there that drew you to her initially. A "f_ck it all" attitude isn't necessarily going to improve your life. Figure out what 'the spark' was, and try to re-establish that. That said, you seem done with the marriage. But are you done with it as it stands now OR are you done with it because you don't want to do the hard work of improving things? I ask that in a non-accusatory way. also, are their children involved? I didn't glean that. But if there are, you should do a bit of a re-think.
Author stucky Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 I think you can discuss boundaries and such, via counseling, without torpedoing the marriage. Obviously, there was something there that drew you to her initially. A "f_ck it all" attitude isn't necessarily going to improve your life. Figure out what 'the spark' was, and try to re-establish that. That said, you seem done with the marriage. But are you done with it as it stands now OR are you done with it because you don't want to do the hard work of improving things? I ask that in a non-accusatory way. also, are their children involved? I didn't glean that. But if there are, you should do a bit of a re-think. I dont want to fix the marriage. Its not the hard work, I just dont think that we are suppose to be together. Ive changed alot since highschool and so has she. Were completly different now. Ive always had this thought of rescuing her, or saving her from bad life in the past. Ive always put my needs to the very back and everything is starting to snowball in my brain. Thats why I still feel like i cant pull the plug on the marraige because how will she be happy if im not there. Im not the type of person that says things to upset people. I tell people what they want to hear, a people pleaser i guess. I do all of this while ignoring qny of the wants and needs i have. There are no kids.
Jethro Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Staying in a loveless marriage just to keep an unhappy person happy is not going to do either one of you any favors.
Author stucky Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 Staying in a loveless marriage just to keep an unhappy person happy is not going to do either one of you any favors. I do agree to that.
wow04 Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I have been where you are at. All I can say is get out!! It won't get better, even with counseling. You know you want out so do it. It won't be easy and yes it is going to hurt her. The longer you stay the more it will hurt her.
KatZee Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I dont really want mc becuase i already know that i dont want this relationship even if she were to change. My mind already has these feelings of her. It seems to me you already know what you want, and what you need to do. The hard part is pulling the trigger. It will be tough. Breakups are not easy, especially if you've never had to break up with someone before. It's very hard to watch the person you've been with and cared about for so long, hurt. But it seems you two grew up, and grew apart, instead of growing together. There will never be a "right" time to end this, or a "good" time to be honest with her. If you continue putting it off, you'll wake up one day years down the line in the same position. It's like a band-aid. You just need to rip it off in one quick yank. If you're so miserable, believe me, she is as well. There is no way she is so blissfully in love and happy with you. It's for the best of BOTH of you to be able to be independent and able to find yourselves.
Author stucky Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 It seems to me you already know what you want, and what you need to do. The hard part is pulling the trigger. It will be tough. Breakups are not easy, especially if you've never had to break up with someone before. It's very hard to watch the person you've been with and cared about for so long, hurt. But it seems you two grew up, and grew apart, instead of growing together. There will never be a "right" time to end this, or a "good" time to be honest with her. If you continue putting it off, you'll wake up one day years down the line in the same position. It's like a band-aid. You just need to rip it off in one quick yank. If you're so miserable, believe me, she is as well. There is no way she is so blissfully in love and happy with you. It's for the best of BOTH of you to be able to be independent and able to find yourselves. Thank you for putting that into perspective for me. The part about her being miserable as well made sense.
KatZee Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Im not the type of person that says things to upset people. I tell people what they want to hear, a people pleaser i guess. I do all of this while ignoring qny of the wants and needs i have. You sound just like my ex. Guess what? He did me no favors. And you're not doing her any favors either. I'm at the point where I HATE my ex because he acted this way. Instead of being upfront, and being HONEST with me, he would just say what I wanted to hear. He also felt "trapped" b/c all he did was "put me first" and ignore his own wants and needs. He never told me one single ounce of truth, he never came to me and said, "this is what I need from a girlfriend, this is what I want." He just continued to hide his issues, hide behind a facade. Women are not freaking mind readers. I couldn't just ASSUME he wanted or needed something, he had to tell me. And he NEVER DID. And at the end, all of a sudden it's MY FAULT that the relationship wasn't working. He wasn't happy. Well no sh*t, you never told me what you needed so how the hell can I make you happy if I'm not giving you those things? And how the hell can I make you happy if you lie about what makes you upset, and you fail to communicate the reasons for your unhappiness? Because of this, I feel our entire relationship was a lie. People pleaser my a*$. Grow a pair, and tell the girl how you feel. My ex in my eyes is the biggest coward alive. He ran from problems, he, like you ran from conflict, he always shut down, NEVER communicated with me, trying to discuss and resolve problems was like smashing my face into a brick wall. It led to all sorts of resentment towards him. Your "people pleaser" attitude and your stubborn and unwilling nature to communicate are HUGE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS and these are YOUR CHARACTER FLAWS. I'm sure if you had put effort in way back when, things would not be where they are now. I know if my ex would have just manned up we would not be where we are now as well. You can't just sit back running from life, running away from problems and conflict and expect the relationship to progress, and grow, and thrive. In my opinion I think you contributed EXTREMELY HEAVILY to the downfall of this relationship. 2
Author stucky Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 You sound just like my ex. Guess what? He did me no favors. And you're not doing her any favors either. I'm at the point where I HATE my ex because he acted this way. Instead of being upfront, and being HONEST with me, he would just say what I wanted to hear. He also felt "trapped" b/c all he did was "put me first" and ignore his own wants and needs. He never told me one single ounce of truth, he never came to me and said, "this is what I need from a girlfriend, this is what I want." He just continued to hide his issues, hide behind a facade. Women are not freaking mind readers. I couldn't just ASSUME he wanted or needed something, he had to tell me. And he NEVER DID. And at the end, all of a sudden it's MY FAULT that the relationship wasn't working. He wasn't happy. Well no sh*t, you never told me what you needed so how the hell can I make you happy if I'm not giving you those things? And how the hell can I make you happy if you lie about what makes you upset, and you fail to communicate the reasons for your unhappiness? Because of this, I feel our entire relationship was a lie. People pleaser my a*$. Grow a pair, and tell the girl how you feel. My ex in my eyes is the biggest coward alive. He ran from problems, he, like you ran from conflict, he always shut down, NEVER communicated with me, trying to discuss and resolve problems was like smashing my face into a brick wall. It led to all sorts of resentment towards him. Your "people pleaser" attitude and your stubborn and unwilling nature to communicate are HUGE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS and these are YOUR CHARACTER FLAWS. I'm sure if you had put effort in way back when, things would not be where they are now. I know if my ex would have just manned up we would not be where we are now as well. You can't just sit back running from life, running away from problems and conflict and expect the relationship to progress, and grow, and thrive. In my opinion I think you contributed EXTREMELY HEAVILY to the downfall of this relationship. Thanks for your input, but comparing my relationship to yours is not logical. Its not the same, but I understand where your coming from. She has anger issues that is mostly why I dont commuincate well with her.
Tallblueyed Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Stucky, We really are a lot alike; I feel so bad/responsible for her pain. But I am getting use to the notion that I have to look out for myself - time and lots of work (IC) will tell.
who am i Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 Wow Stucky, you and I are having the same issue. My wife has killed ties with all her friends, and now relies on me and my friends to be able to say she has friends. She is extremely dependent on me, and is not emotionally mature whatsoever. Just be glad you don't have a child, I have a 7 month old and the pain of losing her kills me. I could care less about my wife right now, but I know that she would be devestated in a bad way if I left, so i'm still here, thinking about it every night. Good luck to you
Author stucky Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Wow Stucky, you and I are having the same issue. My wife has killed ties with all her friends, and now relies on me and my friends to be able to say she has friends. She is extremely dependent on me, and is not emotionally mature whatsoever. Just be glad you don't have a child, I have a 7 month old and the pain of losing her kills me. I could care less about my wife right now, but I know that she would be devestated in a bad way if I left, so i'm still here, thinking about it every night. Good luck to you It really is a bad situation. She doesnt really get along with her family either. They all treat each orther like crap. So she really only has one or two at best to fall back on when it happens. I am very thankful for not having any children at this point. Shes always been ready to have kids and ive put it off for a couple years because im not ready for children yet. My brain is just so overloaded with everything in life included her. I cant be there to take care of her every need anymore. I work a demanding job and am in line for a promotion which makes things even worse. She only works part time and has quit ft jobs in the past because it was stressfull and the people were mean to her. Somehow she is always the one person that people are mean too in social situations, i dont know how to explain this. She always has to do every task with me. She cant ever do it alone. I went for a run once to excersise and she found out amd was upset becuase i didnt go running with her. I work ft come home, do laundry, do dishes, make dinner, feed the dogs, go to bed. If i dont do this then everything piles up. She will occaisnally work on household items but its rare. Like today was my day off after working all week and she has to work, on her way out this morning she says... Can you do a couple loads of laundry and the dishes. I shurg it off. On her days off she sits around the house and reads her romance novels and watches tv all day, maybe shell do the dishes or one load but thats rare. Ive come to the point where im just letting stuff go now because I cant juggle my lifes task anymore and keep all the balls in the air, something has to drop, and for now it thats. I care about her as a person, that is why it hurts to think about doing the divorce. But I cant live my life like this anymore
who am i Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 (edited) Ha, I think our wives are twins. My wife does essentially nothing around here either. Yesterday I wanted to get out, so I golfed with a friend for two hours and she was pissed. I can't take it. I do pretty much all the cleaning, and she gets upset because I am not on the couch next to her watching boring t.v. It's not like we're having any deep or meaningful conversations. We just sit there in silence, she says something negative about something, and I just keep quiet not wanting to escalate it. I know I would be better off either by myself or with someone else, but I don't know what the wife would do or what the impact on my child would be. At least you still have a chance to get out if push comes to shove. I am like you and hate the idea of divorce, but i'm starting to realize that I hate the idea of eternal unhappiness more. Edited July 7, 2012 by who am i
Author stucky Posted July 9, 2012 Author Posted July 9, 2012 Ha, I think our wives are twins. My wife does essentially nothing around here either. Yesterday I wanted to get out, so I golfed with a friend for two hours and she was pissed. I can't take it. I do pretty much all the cleaning, and she gets upset because I am not on the couch next to her watching boring t.v. It's not like we're having any deep or meaningful conversations. We just sit there in silence, she says something negative about something, and I just keep quiet not wanting to escalate it. I know I would be better off either by myself or with someone else, but I don't know what the wife would do or what the impact on my child would be. At least you still have a chance to get out if push comes to shove. I am like you and hate the idea of divorce, but i'm starting to realize that I hate the idea of eternal unhappiness more. My wife is negative also. Its almost like a vacation to goto work, and be home when shes at work. When she gets home it completely switches my mood.
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