ltensail Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Hi all, I'm wondering if one can give out love, have longlasting commitment and intimacy with someone if he/she have problems with family and friends? It has something to do with human hierarchy of needs right? And it should start from basic - having a bonded family. Only then, you can "grow" emotionally from there.
january2011 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 If we're talking about Maslow, love and belonging (with friends/family/significant others) are all lumped into one hierarchy. And I don't think it holds that having a poor relationship with one's familly (and possibly friends) means that a person is not capable of loving someone who falls outside that group. It's generally true that we learn how to love firstly through family and friends but once we venture outside of their influence, we interact and are changed by the outside world. Otherwise, how do so many people overcome their difficult and sometimes harrowing childhoods to lead productive lives? How are they able to form "normal" adult relationships with other individuals? I doubt many of them say to themselves, "Well, I guess I'm SOL and I should become a serial killer." From what I've experienced, most people just get on with it and learn to "get over" their childhoods and relationships with their family. They somehow learn not to let it ruin the rest of their lives. 1
Author ltensail Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Yeap, i'm talking about Maslow's. If I never have a good long friendship (5years and above) where I still continue to meet this friend regularly despite changing lifestyle and schedules, I don't see how I will suddenly learn to do it with a girlfriend. I mean, when we talk about friendship and love, they require giving and taking, commitment, trust and alot other things. So, it's actually a learning process and the easiest and harmless way is to start NATURALLY from young in the family. So if a good family is not there for you, you may start from finding a trustworthy friend. But I personally see it quite hard to skip either of this stages and look for a commited relationship.
Teal Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Yeap, i'm talking about Maslow's. If I never have a good long friendship (5years and above) where I still continue to meet this friend regularly despite changing lifestyle and schedules, I don't see how I will suddenly learn to do it with a girlfriend. I mean, when we talk about friendship and love, they require giving and taking, commitment, trust and alot other things. So, it's actually a learning process and the easiest and harmless way is to start NATURALLY from young in the family. So if a good family is not there for you, you may start from finding a trustworthy friend. But I personally see it quite hard to skip either of this stages and look for a commited relationship. My family has been in ruins since childhood, and was so severely toxic that to the extent of my knowledge I did not actually experience empathy, guilt, or any non-surface interactions with other human beings until I was in my preteens and met people who provided what they never did. I've struggled with relationships, but have had many friendships with great depth. If your family is not or was not there for you, you can still develop the tools to have strong bonds with others but you're going to have to rely on someone else to provide you with an environment you can learn in. Friendships that stay close and have people meeting regularly for 5+ years are rare, at least during the schooling years. Very few people I know in college still see friends from earlier school years regularly, though the golden ones they do keep in touch with. Unless you're failing to create friendships with depth and give-and-take, I wouldn't worry. If you are, those are interpersonal skills that can be polished, and while it's not absolutely necessary that you do so before finding a relationship it would make it easier when you do.
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