Radagast Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 A couple of posts on the OW forum from former "other women" who encountered their former affair partners after they'd "gotten over" then reminded of a similar experience I had, from a situation that was not an affair, hence posting it here. I'm interested in how common this experience is, in any kind of relationship. My ex-wife and I have been divorced for a few years now. During that time we have not spoken at all and barely clapped eyes on each other in passing. All good. Then recently I was waiting at some traffic lights and was idly watching a rather aggressive argument between a very butch older woman crossing the road and a motorcyclist who'd stopped ever so slightly over the line. Her body language and demeanour seemed out of proportion to the slightness of his error, and he seemed genuinely apologetic but unable to move back as their was traffic behind him (me, and other cars behind me). She could easily have walked past, he was not blocking the crossing, but seemed intent on picking a fight and it was on the point of getting really heated when I suddenly recognised her as my ex-wife. I stared transfixed at the snarled up face I'd known so well, the fists that had once worn my wedding ring, the stamping feet that had trodden my floorboards and I could not believe that I had once been with this woman, let alone married to her. It felt like a distant memory of a really bad dream. As I watched her round on him in silent horror I remembered being where he was, the hapless recipient of her displaced fury, recognising the flight of rationality and the spiral into consuming rage that would grip her from which there was no escape once it fixed on you. Fortunately the lights changed and he drove off, and I wound my way around her making good my own escape as she stood fuming in the teeming intersection. What did I ever seen in such a woman? I'd seen that side of her from the very start, raging about her husband, about her father, about the government, and I recall my innocent self trying to reason, to comfort, to console, and finally accepting my role to absorb all that rage, and wondered why I'd ever volunteered for what any sane person could see what a mug's job. What was I thinking?? How many others have happened upon an ex, long after a break up, and found themselves wondering what they ever saw in that person?
Robert Z Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Heh, that was good! My situation is different but "What was I thinking?" is a common thought. For me it is also a matter of "Why did I stay for so long?" What I once saw as independence I now realize is selfishness. What I thought of as cute is now transparently manipulative. What I thought was love was really just need. She never wanted a husband. She just wanted someone who would kiss her butt and pay for her play. And it isn't just me. Slowly she has run off almost everyone in her life. I have watched her go from family member to family member looking for someone to satisfy her need for control. She does great on short visits. Everyone thinks she is so fun. But give it a little time and the phone calls stop. No one wants to spend time with her because she is a perpetual control freak. She whines and nags until she gets her way. She is absolutely relentless. There is one small example that sums things up pretty nicely. One year for my birthday she bought a cake that I don't even like. She got it because she likes it! That was actually a significant event in our marriage. It showed me how incredibly selfish and self-centered she really is. She never should have married anyone. Edited July 4, 2012 by Robert Z
Author Radagast Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Heh, that was good! My situation is different but "What was I thinking?" is a common thought. For me it is also a matter of "Why did I stay for so long?" What I once saw as independence I now realize is selfishness. What I thought of as cute is now transparently manipulative. What I thought was love was really just need. She never wanted a husband. She just wanted someone who would kiss her butt and pay for her play. And it isn't just me. Slowly she has run off almost everyone in her life. I have watched her go from family member to family member looking for someone to satisfy her need for control. She does great on short visits. Everyone thinks she is so fun. But give it a little time and the phone calls stop. No one wants to spend time with her because she is a perpetual control freak. She whines and nags until she gets her way. She is absolutely relentless. There is one small example that sums things up pretty nicely. One year for my birthday she bought a cake that I don't even like. She got it because she likes it! That was actually a significant event in our marriage. It showed me how incredibly selfish and self-centered she really is. She never should have married anyone. I can so relate! (Except for the "fun" bit. My ex did not do fun, she considered that frivolous and silly). Your birthday cake reminded me of a "birthday treat" I was promised one year, which turned out to be the opportunity to drive her out to a needlework shop 50 miles away. You can imagine the excitement.
Robert Z Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 (edited) I can so relate! (Except for the "fun" bit. My ex did not do fun, she considered that frivolous and silly). Your birthday cake reminded me of a "birthday treat" I was promised one year, which turned out to be the opportunity to drive her out to a needlework shop 50 miles away. You can imagine the excitement. Yes, but turn the tables and don't do enough for their birthday, or for your anniversary, and everything turns to fire or ice. I was expected to be orders of magnitude more considerate and thoughtful than she ever could be. For a long time I wanted to be a thoughtful and loving husband, but over the years it became abundantly clear that this was a one-way street. The birthday cake brought it all into focus. For most anything else she could generate no end of excuses and rationale to justify her selfishness, and I tried to be understanding, so for a long time I fell for it. But with the cake it was too clear cut to avoid seeing the truth. She can't even buy me a freaking birthday cake without it being about her. More than the abuse, which is what it was, her sense of entitlement is what made me the most bitter. Edited July 5, 2012 by Robert Z
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