Heartbroken and powerless

[MarkinUK]

Hello everyone. I am Mark, I'm 39 and from the UK. I got together with my ex 2 yrs ago and she became my fiancée in September 2011. I proposed on a beautiful holiday in the Maldives and thought our lives would be fantastic, hoping to get married and start a family. We were due to get wed in May 2013. We shared a wonderful home and had a dog each who got on famously. Everything seemed to be perfect.

 

I work from home, I have an excellent paid job where I travel all over but not excessively and live in an area I don't know really know anyone. Finding friends has always been a challenge for me. Earlier this year I started to feel a lot of pressure from my job, I thought I was going to lose it. In addition we stopped connecting physically as a couple and didn't make love very often. It felt as though we were just good friends living under the same roof. So i came to the decision that we should have a trial break which we did. However, after a week she told me that she didn't want to get back with me, that her feelings had changed. That hit me very hard because I didn't want to break up, I just needed some space to think through and get our problems sorted. But she moved her stuff out and was gone.

 

That was 4 months ago and every day has been heartache since. Like all people who are spurned I told her I didn't want to hear from her but didn't really mean it..I was just hurt. Subsequently she hasn't called me once. I have spoken to her and she tells me the same thing: she feels differently now, she doesn't want to get back with me. She gave me two reasons, one was that she felt I didn't get on that well with her mother (which isnt really true) and the other that I have a strong personality, which is true. But there was never any major arguments, no violence or threat of it, no other woman..nothing that would indicate that someone would fall out of love so quickly. A couple of months ago I had a cancer scare. She knew of this but still didn't call me or even visit. She's told me that is because I told her at the beginning that I didn't want contact from her...at the time when I was hurt and spurned. She has told me that she wants to come to the hospital with me but now I feel so hurt that she wasn't there for me that I push that away.

 

I got my results yesterday and test show I am ok.

 

I love my ex so much. Life is dominated by thoughts of her. I am in tears very often and feel totally powerless, she just won't try and give a spark back to us and won't give me what I see as valid reasons not to. There is no other guy on the scene for her...she just seems to have switched off her feelings and gone very very cold.

 

How can I win her back? What do you do when the person you love, doesn't love you anymore? How can you be friends with someone who will eventually love someone else? She is a Facebook friend..and I look constantly at what she is doing. What do I do with that? If I delete her it looks childish, if I stay I just feel hurt.

 

I'm 39 near 40 and want a family. Where to go from here....

[Ruby65]

First of all, congratulations on not having cancer!!

 

As for your ex, you say there was no arguing, cheating, violence or any signs of discord... but you also say that you had stopped having sex -- or just had it rarely. This is a HUGE red flag.

 

What it tells me is her attraction for you was dying. You certainly don't want to START a marriage with a sex life that's already dwindled down that way.

 

You might have been willing to work on re-igniting the spark between you, but what she's told you is that she isn't. Really all you can do is learn to accept her decision to end things. She doesn't owe you another chance -- or even what you consider to be a "valid explanation" for choosing not to work on things.....

 

Your best chance for eventually healing is going NC. Your only chance for eventual reconciliation is to give her space, space, space -- complete NC -- and see if she changes her mind in time.

 

As for Facebook, yes just go ahead and block her completely. It isn't childish, it's self-protection. You don't need to see her updates and photos -- especially if other men start popping up.

 

Keep posting here -- and give her SPACE! No more contact.

[MarkinUK]

Thanks for such a speedy response. It felt a little odd to be writing in a forum, I've never done it before and on such a subject as well. I've listened to what youve said and will take your advice on no contact. I agree it's the only way.

 

With Facebook we share friends, so deleting her will mean I get to see what she does with other people are have become a friend of mine too. Also I really don't want to come across a some childish guy being silly. I want to be adult, I'm almost 40 after all!!! I guess this is the downside of social networking eh?!

 

Regarding our sexlife..well it's never run red hot. But, the frequency really dropped off but I put that down as much to other factors such a jobs, her having to be up very early to go to work etc. those might seem excuses and a bit crap and I'm sure some might say they don't get in the way but life can be you sometimes. We were always very tactile and loving, without always e pressing it fully. I know she had the same with an ex before and told me so it's something she has on her side.

 

I guess I feel like I've lost my best friend,mshe really was my soul mate and I wanted a family with her so much. Tough to start all over again....

[Ruby65]

If you "block" her from Facebook, she doesn't show up anywhere, not even on mutual friends' pages. She simply vanishes.

 

I'm considerably older than you, and have always blocked exes and am grateful not to have seen their comments and pictures popping up. It's not really being childish, it's being kind to yourself and respecting the ex's privacy and your own.

 

If your sex life slacked off to that extent BEFORE getting married and having kids.... imagine what would've happened AFTER?? Kids take a big toll on even the BEST sex life.

 

You don't want to be in a marriage with kids, ten or fifteen years down the line, having little or no sex for years at a time..... eventually in these situations someone usually cheats or decides to leave.

 

Every intense love relationship feels like a soulmate and best friend -- as it should be! But just because you've most recently experienced this depth of connection with this woman, doesn't mean you won't have it just as strong -- if not stronger -- with the next!

 

ESPECIALLY if you're thinking marriage and children, you want to be with someone who's good for the long haul -- and trust me you don't want to be one of those millions of couples silently suffering through a sexless marriage for the sake of the kids!

 

It's awful to start over, but it's SO worth it if you're looking for the right person for a long happy marriage. You don't need just a roommate and you don't need just a best friend..... you need to have that spark, too!

 

Anyhow, just my two cents.

[Samilia]

How can I win her back?

 

She's told you she doesn't feel the same way anymore, she's moving on. Reading through your post I take it you contacted her when you were at your lowest, scared.. First you shouldn't contact her, second, you shouldn't contact her at your lowest.

Let's be clear, she probably had pity, but love isn't what inspired her.

 

What do you do when the person you love, doesn't love you anymore?

You start and heal up, probably slowly in your case. That's what the NC is for, it does help.

 

How can you be friends with someone who will eventually love someone else?

You aren't friends with them. If anything it would take years.

 

She is a Facebook friend..and I look constantly at what she is doing. What do I do with that? If I delete her it looks childish, if I stay I just feel hurt.

Who cares? You? Because it's all about you here, delete her. She moved on, do the same. Her ego might get hurt, who cares??

 

I'm 39 near 40 and want a family. Where to go from here....

40 isn't old for a man, I'm 38. 38 is old for a woman to start a family. Don't start paniking and settling for the wrong one just because you want a family.

[SciFi]

Hello everyone. I am Mark, I'm 39 and from the UK. I got together with my ex 2 yrs ago and she became my fiancée in September 2011. I proposed on a beautiful holiday in the Maldives and thought our lives would be fantastic, hoping to get married and start a family. We were due to get wed in May 2013. We shared a wonderful home and had a dog each who got on famously. Everything seemed to be perfect.

 

I work from home, I have an excellent paid job where I travel all over but not excessively and live in an area I don't know really know anyone. Finding friends has always been a challenge for me. Earlier this year I started to feel a lot of pressure from my job, I thought I was going to lose it. In addition we stopped connecting physically as a couple and didn't make love very often. It felt as though we were just good friends living under the same roof. So i came to the decision that we should have a trial break which we did. However, after a week she told me that she didn't want to get back with me, that her feelings had changed. That hit me very hard because I didn't want to break up, I just needed some space to think through and get our problems sorted. But she moved her stuff out and was gone.

 

That was 4 months ago and every day has been heartache since. Like all people who are spurned I told her I didn't want to hear from her but didn't really mean it..I was just hurt. Subsequently she hasn't called me once. I have spoken to her and she tells me the same thing: she feels differently now, she doesn't want to get back with me. She gave me two reasons, one was that she felt I didn't get on that well with her mother (which isnt really true) and the other that I have a strong personality, which is true. But there was never any major arguments, no violence or threat of it, no other woman..nothing that would indicate that someone would fall out of love so quickly. A couple of months ago I had a cancer scare. She knew of this but still didn't call me or even visit. She's told me that is because I told her at the beginning that I didn't want contact from her...at the time when I was hurt and spurned. She has told me that she wants to come to the hospital with me but now I feel so hurt that she wasn't there for me that I push that away.

 

I got my results yesterday and test show I am ok.

 

I love my ex so much. Life is dominated by thoughts of her. I am in tears very often and feel totally powerless, she just won't try and give a spark back to us and won't give me what I see as valid reasons not to. There is no other guy on the scene for her...she just seems to have switched off her feelings and gone very very cold.

 

How can I win her back? What do you do when the person you love, doesn't love you anymore? How can you be friends with someone who will eventually love someone else? She is a Facebook friend..and I look constantly at what she is doing. What do I do with that? If I delete her it looks childish, if I stay I just feel hurt.

 

I'm 39 near 40 and want a family. Where to go from here....

Dude, very glad to hear you're okay.

 

I was in the same situation as yours - except that I was in your ex-girlfriends shoes.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a 2 years; I started to feel boxed in and

claustrophobic. I broke it off. My boyfriend became unglued - it was horrible.

He wouldn't let up for months and months. He described all the feelings you indicate

in your post. I know I must appear to be callous and uncaring - but trust

me, I'm not. I just didn't love him anymore the way he wanted.

 

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time - but I have to say it sounds like your ex is being completely upfront with you and honest - which is better than her stringing you

along to spare your or her feelings.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[MarkinUK]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to bread and respond to me. I will take all of your words seriously and follow them, as you have had this experience before and know the path through it.

 

I really do appreciate it.

 

Mark x