disco9000 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I got some great support on here a year ago when my wife, who I'd been with for 20 years, had an affair and ultimately left. I've since grabbed life with both hands and have had an amazing time. I've travelled to some incredible places, bonded more with my children, reconnected with my wider family and genuinely feel like a new person. I also met a lovely new woman late last year and we've shared most of these good times together. She's pretty much perfect for me and I care about her deeply. But there's a niggle: she has said from the start that she wants children of her own at some point. I said I didn't want any more in the near future but that I wasn't sure longer term. As time has gone on, I'm finding that my mind isn't changing. I have 50:50 custody of my kids with my ex and am loving being a dad one week and enjoying my new-found freedom the next. I can't see myself wanting to give that up any time soon, if ever (I had children straight after uni so missed out on doing the 'couple' thing the first time around). I'd love to just leave this a year and see where we are then but my gf's clock is really ticking (just turned 40) and I don't want to waste her time. I know what an amazing experience having children can be and wouldn't ever want to deny her that. I also think about how great she is with my kids and, after all they've been through in the last year, I don't want to upset them again. Not sure there's a question in all this but I'm basically feeling like I'm going to have to give up my exciting new life pretty soon or cause the people I love pain and I don't want to do either.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I don't really think you're ready at all to jump on that wagon, even If you were to progressively move forward with this woman and attempt to reconsider your attitude into having more children. Because you've been married for 20 years, you're also more adept and comfortable to being in a relationship, it may feel more natural to you as well as not wanting to play games and all that jazz in the dating world. However I don't think you should be putting yourself in a situation to get serious with someone just yet, I would suggest staying single for a while, spending time enjoying your independence and hobbies...from the sound of It I'm not even sure how long you stayed single after your marriage? did you find some woman to cling onto for the difficult times? a lot of men do this, it's not a criticism but it does turn the tables back on you and you'll find yourself in another relationship. I wouldn't waste her time, If she has that goal especially at 40. And even If was willing to give the relationship a chance and string it out in hopes you would change your mind or maybe she could wiggle in and steal one of your sperms I wouldn't take the chance. Can you imagine having an ex wife, your kids from that marriage then another young child with another woman who IF things don't work out you'll end up stretching both ways? hope you're making some excellent money too. At the end of the day you got to really ask yourself, what is it that you really want? If you just did what you wanted to do, what would you choose?
Author disco9000 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. I am happy in relationships but I also loved the small amount of dating that I did before finding my current gf. It was exciting and I'd be happy to do it again. We did get together fairly quickly after my marriage ended but it was a very casual thing to begin with. I remember talking to her about all the adventures I had planned on our first date and her saying she loved those things too, and that doing it with a girlfriend could be fun. I thought that was a good point, and it certainly has been. It has clearly grown into more than that since then but it has felt like a very natural progression...never like a rebound relationship, and no clingyness. In fact, if anything, I've sometimes wondered if I've kept a bit of distance between us to protect myself but I really don't think that's the case. I feel a LOT for her and think any feeling of distance is actually just me knowing that I'll be OK if this relationship does end. I would miss her terribly if she wasn't around though. What do I really want? Well, I really just want to keep doing what I'm doing with my current gf as things are. I've had a great year and she's had a lot to do with that. I know I don't want to do the family thing again at this point and I would be devastated if she fell pregnant. I don't want to be single either because a relationship (whether it's a few casual dates or something longer term) is a big part of what makes me feel happy and fulfilled in life.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. I am happy in relationships but I also loved the small amount of dating that I did before finding my current gf. It was exciting and I'd be happy to do it again. Sometimes...like in your case, too little dating might be a bad thing If you end up in a committed relationship, the hourglass turns over and that woman is not there just to have a good time. We did get together fairly quickly after my marriage ended but it was a very casual thing to begin with. I remember talking to her about all the adventures I had planned on our first date and her saying she loved those things too, and that doing it with a girlfriend could be fun. I thought that was a good point, and it certainly has been. You didn't give yourself enough time (IMO) to figure some important things out, but it seems to worked out ok from what you're saying to a degree...you didn't suffer a big blow back from jumping in too fast although I still have my concerns with that, big ones. For you it was all fun and enjoying the moment, not worrying about the long-term just yet...what was she about? was she out a divorce and looking for fun too and no pressure? Was she single for a long-time or had trouble dating and then she finds you? These are important factors to consider, she wants to bear children...you might have thought it was all light fun and casual but what do you think she was after? "Oh ok, I'm fine with casual...that's good for me" and then she starts to dig into ya, building that relationship and bond, being the perfect little partner....a LOT of women do this to try and land a man, just be aware of it..casual only really works for women...most women will become definitely emotional regardless of what they may tell you. If a woman sees you as a good catch, she's going to hold onto, plus all the nice things you do for her...you know what she thinks when you do that? this guy really wants to be with me, maybe he'll be the one...capiche? while you're just kicking back thinking "Oh man this is great, no pressure, my freedom, got a cool chick to hang out with and enjoy life...I hope it stays like that forever!"...yeahhh riiiiiiight! It has clearly grown into more than that since then but it has felt like a very natural progression...never like a rebound relationship, and no clingyness. In fact, if anything, I've sometimes wondered if I've kept a bit of distance between us to protect myself but I really don't think that's the case. I feel a LOT for her and think any feeling of distance is actually just me knowing that I'll be OK if this relationship does end. I would miss her terribly if she wasn't around though. It's good it felt very natural, she sounds like a good woman for you...but deep down I just don't think you can get there, and I think she'll be willing to wait...but do you think it's worth it to make her? Plus you're doing the man thing, wanting your cake and eat it too...like I said about the hourglass, as soon as you start being with a woman times a tickin and she might not expect much in the beginning but her expectations and needs will grow...don't assume she is not emotionally invested and will just walk away like "hey...we both had good times..but this track has come to an end...I agree ::light shadow punch to the jaw:: take care...I'll always remember you" Have you expressed your intentions and what you're telling me? Have been honest an upfront? Does she know that you're ok with this ending right now? Does she know your level of commitment...these are things to think about. What do I really want? Well, I really just want to keep doing what I'm doing with my current gf as things are. I've had a great year and she's had a lot to do with that. I know I don't want to do the family thing again at this point and I would be devastated if she fell pregnant. I don't want to be single either because a relationship (whether it's a few casual dates or something longer term) is a big part of what makes me feel happy and fulfilled in life. More cake eating, nom nom nom..,::mouth full:: "But why can't I do what I want while keeping her on the side or in my life? she's not a cheap whore, I value her time, I treat her well...::insert more justification::" AT the end of the day, she wants something serious with you! Don't be a knuckle head, for her this is an investment...you are an investment towards the future or do you think she just wants a sperm donor? Don't be naive about this, I know it's not your intentions to hurt this woman but you've got to start thinking more about her wants/needs and a little less about hers...because this situation is about the both of you...what you do and how you live as long as you are in her life will affect her...make sense? It's great she has made you a happier guy and contributed a lot to that...but you can't hold onto that forever, things will be expected to change...you've got to start really telling her how you feel, do some soul-searching and find out how you feel so you can explain that to her and be honest. You might be completely underestimating the situation you're in.
Author disco9000 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Wow, some good points and a lot to think about. Thank you! You're right that I don't think she's just here to have a good time. We agreed to have fun and see how things go and I think the realisation that I'm not coming round to more kids is what prompted me to post. She has been in a few long term relationships (5yrs+) with perhaps 6 months of dating in between each. Very independent, lots of friends, loves going out but deciding late in the game that she wanted children. I don't think there's much dysfunctional going on there. She's mentioned wanting children maybe twice in the time we've been together so there's no direct pressure, no talk of moving in together, marriage or anything like that. Perhaps you're right that she is doing all she can to keep me happy just because she wants more. The thought had crossed my mind but I've never really felt that. I'm sure she is emotionally invested but I am too. I don't feel like I'm keeping her on the side and I'm certainly not OK with ending things right now. I do want something serious with her but I just don't want to go back to having young children. Flipping it around, I think she would say that she sees a future with me, but only with children. I need to give this some more thought.
FitChick Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Have a vasectomy immediately but don't tell her. A friend of mine was trapped by a woman who got pregnant in her early forties. Now he is mid-sixties, not very well, and has a small daughter to pay for at a time when he needs all his money for his old age and it's nearly impossible to find work. I also know someone younger who had a similar experience with his girlfriend who wanted kids when he didn't. She kept saying, "You'll change your mind when it's yours." He got a vasectomy and didn't say anything. Months later the girlfriend was panicking thinking she was sterile because she'd stopped using birth control but wasn't pregnant yet. Needless to say, they split up. You have to do what is best for you and the family you already have.
Author disco9000 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Bloody hell, really?! That sounds a bit drastic. I know there are some nutters out there and I know normal people can do unbelievable things (my ex certainly did) but by your rationale anyone that's with a woman who has mentioned she wants kids at some point and is not ready themselves should get the snip on the quiet! I just got off the phone with her - she's away travelling at the moment. She really is such a great girl. The thought of not being with her any more has hit me hard today.
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