cc_victim Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 My husband got to know a pub owner Dec 2011. Friendship turned into affair Apr 2012. Discovery Day - end Apr 2012, I chased him out twice. 1st time, he was very guilty, very reluctant to leave, lied to discontinue affair & came back home. We have 2 children 9 & 7. Then I checked his mobile phone sms, he was still seeing her bcoz she was 'sad'. I chased him out 2nd time. This time, he was mad & agreed to leave but come back see children on weekends. Next one month (May), I was dying inside, known him 25 years, my first love & only sex partner. Couldn't eat, sleep, breathing difficulty & heartbeat problem. Past 7-8 years, very little sex, last year only once & didn't reach orgasm. 2nd month (June), I can eat, still don't sleep well. Still longing for him daily. He said its short term affair, I know he meant it, he is not a womanizer. None of my pleas worked. He has no feelings for me, even children can't bring him back. 3rd month (July) I no longer call him. He fought with mistress 3 times & came home for one night, left again. He was not a very responsible husband or father before this incident, a smoker, regular drinker but not a womanizer. He was unfaithful to me during our courtship but didn't last long. I've always loved him more than he loves me. Even now, I have forgiven him & waiting for his return, what a fool I am but I can't help it. When I wake up, I think of him all the time till I sleep. My problem : I know the best thing to do is to get over him. But I can't! I've tried, its the 3rd month, have read everything on the internet. I still long for him every day. I know he will come back after the affair burns out or a big fight & our marriage may not amount to much. But the children and I still want him. Please help...
Author cc_victim Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 We hardly communicate in the last 5-7 years, always under stress in financial problems with his business. No communication, no hugs or kisses, he wouldn't, I tried & tried, only me working on the relationship, I finally gave up. He would masturbate than to touch me. Is there hope to rekindle old flame once his affair is over? My children think yes. We love him, we are a family even now on weekends, only separated as husband & wife. I longer show anger bcoz I want peace when we see him over the weekend. He & mistress are living like husband & wife. Will it take longer to end?
Artie Lang Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 We hardly communicate in the last 5-7 years, always under stress in financial problems with his business. No communication, no hugs or kisses, he wouldn't, I tried & tried, only me working on the relationship, I finally gave up. He would masturbate than to touch me. what kind of marriage do you really have? i don't think you love him. you're just used to seeing him by your side- the familiarity of the marriage is what keeps you longing for his company, not love.
PegNosePete Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 He said its short term affair, I know he meant it, he is not a womanizer. I beg to differ. He is a liar and a cheat. Who gives 2 shor ships if it's a long term or a short term affair? It is an affair, which he has not stopped despite you finding out and kicking him out twice. Do you really think he is going to change? NO. Why would he change? He has gotten away with it twice. So he can get away with it 3, o4 or 5 times. None of my pleas worked. Why are YOU pleading? He should be the one pleading for forgiveness for what he has done. He is showing no remorse whatsoever. He is treating you like carp. He fought with mistress 3 times & came home for one night, left again. Oh, nice. So you are his mother now? He runs back to you when he has a fight with his mistress? Really is that how you think a marriage should be? He was unfaithful to me during our courtship but didn't last long. Well there you go, he obviously has not changed his spots. And why should he? You forgave him once, twice, three times. So he will expect you to forgive him the 4th, 5th and 6th too. I have forgiven him & waiting for his return, what a fool I am Well, you said it. I won't disagree.
CarrieT Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 My problem : I know the best thing to do is to get over him. But I can't! I've tried, its the 3rd month, have read everything on the internet. I still long for him every day. I know he will come back after the affair burns out or a big fight & our marriage may not amount to much. But the children and I still want him. Please help... After 25 years together, it can take YEARS to heal. Have you considered therapy? I don't believe you want him - I believe you want the comfort of what you thought you used to have before you were deceived. Many of us have gone through horrible break-ups and the healing time is different with many; ending a three-year, abusive relationship took me almost two years to heal. Don't expect to just "get over him" so quickly. You have a lot invested but he is not being honest and treating you well and you deserve much better than he is offering. Consider Individual Counseling as soon as possible...
GLDheart Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 CC - I am so sorry for your pain. Short of a debilitating disability or death, this is the worst hell to be in. The pain is extreme, nausiating, and exhausting. I understand your feelings. No one here can tell you what will happen at the end of this. I do not know if your husband will repent. The one thing I can offer you is to focus on what is best for you and your children... and that is for you to HEAL. Your husband is clearly screwed up right now. You tell us about his drinking and smoking vices. These are signs of an addictive personality. Well, his indulgent addictive side is kicking in hard right now. NOT YOUR FAULT. I know you want him back. BAD. Your heart aches and if you try not to think of him, he will only haunt you in your sleep while you dream. This is incredibly hard but YOU need the space from him to pick up the pieces he has shattered you into. You are just too raw right now to handle HIS issues. A little space is good two fold: It will cause him to experience what he is really losing. And, more importantly, you will get room to heal. Only then will you be able to do what is best FOR YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. In the end, he will be beyond lucky to even get another chance with a loyal caring woman such as yourself.
KathyM Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Don't give this guy another chance. He'll just abuse your devotion again and again. Why settle for this crap? This guy who's not interested in being faithful. Why share your husband with other women? Why be with a man who doesn't respect you? He is a lousy example for your children, and they will grow up to think that kind of behavior is OK because you tolerate it and because Dad seems to think that's the way to be. The example you teach your children by continuing to take him back is not a good one. It shows you to be weak and with no self respect. Believe it or not there are other men out there who can be trusted, who would not treat you this way, who would respect you and not jeopardize your relationship. It's time to want something more for yourself than just a disengaged body in the house. The sooner you realize you deserve much more than he has to offer, the sooner you can begin a life that is not dependent on keeping a bum attached to you, whom you really don't have anyway. Even if you take him back, he will never be yours--you will never have him back, really. He'll just be a presence in the house whom you will always have to wonder what he is doing and with whom whenever he is out of your sight. It's time to expect more from a man, and this one is never going to give you what you need from him.
Recommended Posts