writergal Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 If, like you said, the OP has given us an incomplete picture of why his girlfriend has put on weight, why were you so ready and willing to break out your pitchfork in the first place? Why the need to shame him? Why are you encouraging the OP to break up with his girlfriend so quickly? This guy sounds like he still loves her. He's just disturbed by his decreased attraction for her, which is not really something he can help. He clearly states he is not losing his emotional fondness for her. Some guys like women with a few extra pounds, others do not; he obviously falls into the latter category. And furthermore, there's no need to exaggerate by saying that physical fitness should be his girlfriend's top priority. You don't need to put fitness above all else in order to stay fit. I also disagree that weight gain in a relationship is to be expected without some sort of issue or consequence. I don't start dating people with the expectation that only a few years down the line, they're going to put on the equivalent of 20% of their weight at the time the relationship was initiated. You know why? Because I don't have that expectation for myself. The only way I could understand you saying "shame on you" to the OP is if his girlfriend put on the weight due to some genuine metabolic disorder or an injury. Chances are she's just more sedentary than she should be. Fair enough.
zengirl Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I'm torn. I think it's a bit problematic to have attraction primarily based on things that can change (hair, weight, whatever), though I also think 20% weight gain is significant and, in many cases, avoidable in that short a period. As maybealone said, I think the greater issue sounds like you and your GF actually have very different priorities and lifestyles, OP. That is something worth considering on its own merits, besides just the physical attraction issue. We can love someone and not be right for them in other ways. Is it just the weight? Or is it also her lifestyle etc? Even if she loses the weight, would she ever be able to be the person you want her to be? Or has the spark just been lost for good? Only you know those answers - we can't. You can be honest with her, about your attraction. I don't think you need to feel ashamed of losing attraction for someone when they've had a physical change like that. Giving her an ultimatum to lose the weight or be dumped doesn't sound productive, but that doesn't mean you can't be honest about how you feel in a tactful way. But I say that as a woman who's never fussed with her weight, so maybe I'm way off. Tiger Cub seems to have struggled with her weight, and her words and advice seemed wise to me. To me, it doesn't sound like something that can be 'worked out' because it sounds like not only an attraction issue but that you value something (fitness) that she does not.
FitChick Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 If you've never said anything, perhaps she thinks you don't mind. Never assume anything. I would be upset if a man simply left with no explanation and really upset if the situation was one that could have been easily remedied. I've dated men who were angry that their ex-wives filed for divorce and never told them how they might have been able to save their marriage. 1
CailinPig Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 You know what I think? I think the OP is kidding himself about how much he really loves her. The weight gain is not the deal breaker, something else is - I think your feeling's have waned in general. Because believe me, buddy, I would NEVER break up with someone I loved because of weight gain. But I'd certainly get them to get rid of it. 1
maybealone Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 The OP left out details of his girlfriend's health and age, so we can't really speculate as to why she gained the weight. And I think knowing the "why" is important. It is health related? Is it due to her sedentary lifestyle? He did say that "She tries to commit to losing weight and becoming more fit every few months... but it never lasts," so that makes me believe this is more from a sedentary lifestyle than an illness. You don't need to put fitness above all else in order to stay fit. Exactly. I walked 45 minutes a day until I lost my extra weight, and now walk 20 minutes a day to maintain my shape. Plus I am active in other ways (softball, etc.) Fitness is not my entire life, but it is a part of it, and I want a mate that also has fitness as a part of his life. I would NEVER break up with someone I loved because of weight gain. But I'd certainly get them to get rid of it. How? Because the OP is asking for advice! I think that's what he wants to do, get her to get rid of it without hurting her feelings.
CailinPig Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 [sIZE=5][COLOR=#990000]maybealone[/COLOR][/sIZE], the last time the OP wrote, he said he thinks he's gonna break up with her
Woggle Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 If you gained weight she would dump you so think about that.
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