No longer attracted to my girlfriend, but I still love her...

[GeneralLeo]

Looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

 

I've been together with my girlfriend for about 3 years now, and we've lived together for most of the relationship. She's a wonderful, and caring person who treats me like a king and mellows me out emotionally. We share many hobbies and interests, but we also have many differences (mostly in intellectual interests). I definitely considered her marriage material, but over the last 6 months I've had waning sexual attraction to her. It's got to the point where I make lame excuses about avoiding intimacy, and I'm fairly certain she's caught on.

 

I believe the main source of my loss of attraction is that she has put on considerable weight since the beginning of the relationship 3 years ago... which is hard for me because I'm a very fit and active person, and value healthy and active living. She tries to commit to losing weight and becoming more fit every few months... but it never lasts, and I don't want to be pushy with it and hurt her feelings.

 

It breaks my heart to think this way... even thinking about ending the relationship makes me sad. It's not fair to her or I if I'm not 100% attracted to her physically and don't love her that way any more... but in terms of companion-ate love I'm still very much attached and love her. This back and forth debate in my head has been plaguing my thoughts lately to the point where it's begun to affect my sleep.

 

Any advice? Anyone experienced this who can share some insight?

 

Thanks,

L

[without]

How much weight has she put on?

 

I wanna know if it's that considerable or not.

 

Not telling and keeping it a secret and avoiding her, it's worse. You should tell her. Maybe not directly. Ask her to join you for doing some exercises and maybe eat out less, less fast food.

[yongyong]

What would be the better option for her? just dump her so she doesn't have to feel bad about her weight and eat whatever she wants? Or encourage her to lose weight and you stick around?

[utterer of lies]

Break up.

 

Even if she were to lose the weight, I doubt you get that original spark back.

[Ninjainpajamas]

First of all, this is not something that you control...this is something that you feel and there is no fault in that. All too often you see people blaming others for how they truly and genuinely feel, although It's always important to care how others feel and some things are better left unsaid It's still important to address your needs...don't listen to people that tell you to do something that you don't want to do or out of your own guilt, at the end of the day It's going to affect your happiness.

 

Unfortunately she seems to be someone who struggles with weight, a lot of people will tell you "well help her lose weight and don't judge her", I think that just becomes a hopeful endeavor that is generally fruitless especially If you've already given in a good attempt and she just keeps falling off the horse...In that case she's likely to continue to struggle with her weight issues through her life and If that's not something you will be happy with in the long run...especially the potential and likelyhood of her gaining more substantial weight as we do when we get older, it will just become a bigger weight (no pun) to bear for you in the relationship and you still won't be sexually aroused or interested in sexual relations with her which will make both of you feel bad and her develop an insecurity which she has the right to feel sexy and desired regardless even If It's not your thing, maybe someone else will.

 

In my opinion weight issues is just one of many personal issues that people struggle with, and in terms of compatibility you have to ask yourself If this is the right person for you...is there issue something you can work through and still be happy? If not It's not only important to you to find happiness but it's also important for her to find happiness by having someone love her and accept her for who she is, the way she is, without changing/improving.

 

I would suggest that you end the relationship and let her go so that she will be able to get over you...you've got to look towards the future and as long as the present stays the same that future isn't going to look any different/better for you.

 

Another strong reason I feel this way is the right way for you is because it seems like you have emotionally fell out of love with her a bit as well, I think you appreciate her, you value her, care for her, and feel that she is otherwise a wonderful woman but romantically I don't think it's there for you emotionally and that's going to wane as time progresses and this weight issues becomes intolerable.

[Titanwolf]

She doesn't necessarily have to be out and about to lose weight. If she wants the easy way out because she can't commit, help her adjust her diet. IMO, if my SO gained considerable amount of weight and became content with that, I'd have to let them go because they've given up on themselves and so have I.

[TigerCub]

I know what its like to have to constantly battle weight issues.

I'm in good shape now, but it takes constant work and I know I can't just eat what I want and be skinny like some people.

 

Having said that - I absolutely hate that some people just get so comfortable in relationships that they think its ok to let themselves go and that their partner has to still feel attracted to them. (unless there is a medical condition or something), otherwise there is no excuse.

 

I don't think you should pussyfoot around the issue. The whole, "oh ask her to exercise with you" - yeah that's nice, but what if she doesn't?

 

I think you should be honest and straightforward and tell her in a nice way "I love you, there are so many things I love about you, but I'm finding with the weight gain that I'm not feeling that spark anymore"

Tell her that you will help her with the weight loss, you will support her, you still do love her, but you feel that she should know the truth so that you 2 should be able to talk about your needs and views in the relationship.

 

Being honest is better than passive aggressive excuses and just pulling away from her without her knowing why.

 

**Note - My advice to tell her is with the assumption that "considerable" amount of weight is definitely more than just 5lbs or so.

[Christine52]

I just came out of a 3 year relationship, and since I've started dating my ex I gained maybe 15 pounds? After breaking up, within a month I lost 10 pounds just from the sheer fact that I wasn't eating out as much/he cooked for me a lot.

 

Sometimes it's the relationship that causes people to 'let go' or over eat due to going on dates, eating out frequently.

 

Maybe try suggesting cooking more simple dinners at home - a large salad and some protein on the side, and ease down on the movie popcorn and soda?

 

When people are overweight due to lifestyle changes, 80% of the battle is really what you eat. The rest is physical exercise, that is enjoyable - what sports does she like? Tennis? Soccer? Try to find something fun rather than going to the gym - which in my opinion is boring.

[bac]

Looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

 

I've been together with my girlfriend for about 3 years now, and we've lived together for most of the relationship. She's a wonderful, and caring person who treats me like a king and mellows me out emotionally. We share many hobbies and interests, but we also have many differences (mostly in intellectual interests). I definitely considered her marriage material, but over the last 6 months I've had waning sexual attraction to her. It's got to the point where I make lame excuses about avoiding intimacy, and I'm fairly certain she's caught on.

 

I believe the main source of my loss of attraction is that she has put on considerable weight since the beginning of the relationship 3 years ago... which is hard for me because I'm a very fit and active person, and value healthy and active living. She tries to commit to losing weight and becoming more fit every few months... but it never lasts, and I don't want to be pushy with it and hurt her feelings.

 

It breaks my heart to think this way... even thinking about ending the relationship makes me sad. It's not fair to her or I if I'm not 100% attracted to her physically and don't love her that way any more... but in terms of companion-ate love I'm still very much attached and love her. This back and forth debate in my head has been plaguing my thoughts lately to the point where it's begun to affect my sleep.

 

Any advice? Anyone experienced this who can share some insight?

 

Thanks,

L

 

It is not about her weight. Most men feel that way if they have the only one partner for a long time. Man's brain looks for any rational explanation why a man wants to cheat. It is male's nature. There are too many men(BFs and husbands) who are cheating on their slim and beautiful women.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

It is not about her weight. Most men feel that way if they have the only one partner for a long time. Man's brain looks for any rational explanation why a man wants to cheat. It is male's nature. There are too many men(BFs and husbands) who are cheating on their slim and beautiful women.

 

Only partially true. Some of my pasts gained weight and it didn't bother me.

 

But they didn't gain like 50 lbs. either. That's gonna' bother most any guy like it or not.

[Eddie Edirol]

She doesn't necessarily have to be out and about to lose weight. If she wants the easy way out because she can't commit, help her adjust her diet. IMO, if my SO gained considerable amount of weight and became content with that, I'd have to let them go because they've given up on themselves and so have I.

 

Yeah General, the weight is basically an incompatibility. You want to stay fit, she doesnt care to, which you stated, she tries for a while and then quits. She likes to eat what she wants, she doesnt want to sacrifice the goodies for fitness, at least not on your level. So what you have to do is discuss with her that if she wants to keep eating like that, and she is content with herself the way she is, then you have to part ways.

 

You arent going to be able make her want to WANT to change, not even with the threat of you ending the relationship. You want to be fit, exercise and eat the right foods, she doesnt. Thats what it really comes down to. She wants someone to have an animal attraction to her no matter how much weight she gains, and that aint you. She doesnt realize life doesnt necessarily work that way. So tell her how you feel about this, so that she at least sees the eminent breakup coming. But be prepared for her to resent you, if she cant be realistic. Since she has tried to lose weight already, I suspect she might know its important to you for her to stay in shape. Also if she wants to stay the way she is, be prepared for her to try to make you look shallow to shift the blame.

Edited July 4, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[GeneralLeo]

Thanks to everyone who replied, lots of advice to consider.

 

To answer Without's question: She's gained approx 20% additionally of what she weighed when we started dating. I'm not going to throw out actual numbers, but 20% is pretty considerable imo.

 

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. It's my first relationship that's lasted a significant amount of time... I've broke things off with girls before, and been on the receiving end of rejection, but never from a relationship that lasted this long or was this deep.

 

I know in my heart it's probably best to just come clean with her and end it, and I'm trying to muster the courage to do so...

[brahmabull117]

Dump her, no point in dating somebody you're not attracted to

[ohmygoshistalk]

*burst into a bulimic fit*

 

well looks are just looks, they do fade away. but u cant just ignore "attraction".

 

have you ever brought this up with her, is she willing to eat right and live healthy?

[maybealone]

I'm a very fit and active person, and value healthy and active living.

 

This, to me, is a bigger issue than the weight gain. Your lifestyles in the long term just might not match up.

 

My stbx husband's weight went up about 20% after we got married. I still found him to be incredibly adorable. It was why his weight went up that was the problem. Sitting around and watching TV, even when it was gorgeous weather outside, and eating way more food than one needs to eat. The weight gain affected his health, but he still wouldn't do anything about it. Meanwhile, I was walking every day, playing softball every week, and eating healthy portions. So while the weight itself wasn't a problem with attraction level, watching him waste day after day doing nothing did affect my attraction for him.

 

Anyway, my advice is to look at this from more than just a weight standpoint. I think it's hard for an active person to be with an inactive person in the long term.

[LadyMIA]

I took an ethics class in college and remember my professor saying that in relationships we have an obligation to our significant others to try and look our best in order to preserve our attraction to each other.

 

You're definitely in a bad position because women are really sensitive about their weight (I should know, being one). That being said, I don't think you're doing her any favors by just breaking up with her and not saying anything to her. And I don't think you're doing yourself a favor by breaking up with a woman who you clearly love deeply, but for whom you have lost an attraction, without at least trying to make a change.

 

Perhaps you should talk to her and let her know how much you still love her, but that her weight gain is something you are struggling with. She'll be upset, no matter what, so you'll have to prepare yourself. I think if you approach her with enough care and sensitivity, she'll get over it.

 

Then it's up to her if she is willing to do the work to save the relationship. Besides, all women want to be thin regardless of what our men think. She'll feel so much better if she loses the weight, with or without you. Maybe she just needs someone to be honest with her so she can come to terms with her weight gain and do something to change it. A lot of times when we gain weight, people lie to us and say we look fine because they want to protect our feelings, but it doesn't do us any favors to think no one notices the weight. Even if it doesn't work out, you'll know you were as kind and honest as you could be, which is what the woman you love deserves from you.

[Oncehadluv]

dude think this one thru!

 

you want a fit party girl who will make your life unstable or a reasonable partner who actually gives a shmack about ya??

[writergal]

Looking for some advice from people who have been in a similar situation.

 

I've been together with my girlfriend for about 3 years now, and we've lived together for most of the relationship. She's a wonderful, and caring person who treats me like a king and mellows me out emotionally. We share many hobbies and interests, but we also have many differences (mostly in intellectual interests). I definitely considered her marriage material, but over the last 6 months I've had waning sexual attraction to her. It's got to the point where I make lame excuses about avoiding intimacy, and I'm fairly certain she's caught on.

 

I believe the main source of my loss of attraction is that she has put on considerable weight since the beginning of the relationship 3 years ago... which is hard for me because I'm a very fit and active person, and value healthy and active living. She tries to commit to losing weight and becoming more fit every few months... but it never lasts, and I don't want to be pushy with it and hurt her feelings.

 

It breaks my heart to think this way... even thinking about ending the relationship makes me sad. It's not fair to her or I if I'm not 100% attracted to her physically and don't love her that way any more... but in terms of companion-ate love I'm still very much attached and love her. This back and forth debate in my head has been plaguing my thoughts lately to the point where it's begun to affect my sleep.

 

Any advice? Anyone experienced this who can share some insight?

 

Thanks,

L

 

I read everyone's responses and my take on your dilemma is that I think you are shallow. Women gain weight for a myriad of reasons, pregnancy, PMS water weight, hormonal changes, type 2 diabetes, slow metabolism and thyroid problems and aging, as the most common reasons.

 

You don't mention your age or your girlfriend's age. Women tend to gain weight as our metabolisms slow down once we hit our 30s. So if you're relationship with your girlfriend is weight-dependent, then you will never successfully have a long-term relationship with a woman.

 

What if you are with a woman and she gets pregnant? Will you dump her before she gives birth? Or force her to starve herself during her pregnancy so she can look "good" for you, meanwhile sacrificing her baby's development? She's going to gain baby weight which she will retain after she gives birth, and baby weight is hard to lose. Plus, once a woman gives birth she very rarely returns to her pre-birth weight.

 

I think you should break up with your girlfriend because she deserves to be with a man who will love her despite her weight fluctuation. Weight happens. If you can't handle a 20% weight gain, then you shouldn't be dating women at all.

 

Well, you could always date an anorexic or bulimic woman as they will k*ll themselves to be thin for you. Or just date women under 30 who are thin. You sound like a man with a large ego if you're willing to dump your girlfriend for her small weight gain, because 20% is about 10 to 15 pounds for god sake.

 

Shame on you. Seriously.

Edited July 11, 2012 by writergal

[writergal]

Funny how these overnight massive weightgains only seems to affect American women in comfortable relationships.

 

No decent man in his right mind is going to judge a womans looks because she's pregnant, and if there are men that do it then it's just as much the womans fault for letting a guy put the bun in their oven.

 

Of course, there are quite a few misconceptions American women have. When you are pregnant, that doesn't mean you're supposed to eat for 2 people. To get diabetes, you usually have to be fat to begin with (with some exceptions). And I know scores of women that go back to their previous weight after a baby, the ones who stay the same way do so because they keep eating a pregnant woman diet when they're not pregnant.

 

 

I can certainly understand that womens bodies change with age, they sag, get a little more pudgy, etc most men do. But regardless of what your metabolism is, if you eat like a normal person instead of like a Yank, you won't gain 30 lbs in a year.

 

So many women are bashing this guy, but he's trying to work something out atleast. What woman does that nowadays? They don't tell you what's bothering them, and then they leave abruptly as soon as another prospect is lined up. This guy himself is probably a fitness freak from what he says in the OP, if he was gaining weight as much as the woman then he'd be a hypocrite, but if he's got a normal weight there's no reason his partner shouldn't too.

 

Anyway, to the OP, I would suggest being blunt with her. Tell her she's gained a lot of weight and to lose it. If she gets mad and blows you off, too bad, she's not an adult and can't handle the truth. Her weight is completely in her power, it's not an injury from an accident or something she can't help (in that case, I would tell you to stick by anyway). If she doesn't think youre good enough to be at a normal weight for, then she doesn't really care about you.

 

How much do you want to bet if she was single she'd lose that weight in a jiffy?

 

Re: Diabetes Type II, I know three people who are thin who got Diabetes Type II, one even ran marathons before his diagnosis.

 

Re: Bashing the OP. If I'm harsh, it's only because I've dated fitness freaks who ASSUME their partner will share their obsession with staying fit. Either the OP didn't bother to clarify his need for her to remain skinny when they first met, or he did, but her subsequent weight gain was like a violation of the OP's my-girlfriend-will-stay-skinny-in-the-relationship-or-I-dump-her relationship pre-nup agreement.

 

Re: women's and men's weight are never completely within their power. That's an over-generalization. That's why men and women in the fitness industry take steroids, supplements and starve themselves to death. That's why famous athletes do it too, to enhance their fitness level so they can stay at the top of their game. That's why there are organizations like Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Curves. That's why there are gyms. If people could naturally stay thin, they wouldn't go on diets, work out at gyms, or take vitamins, eat healthy or resort to steroids and such. And even if the OP's girlfriend works out and eats right, her weight gain shouldn't be a relationship deal breaker, unless the OP's focus is more on himself now, than it is on his relationship.

 

We have no idea of the health of the OP's girlfriend, or either of their age. We do know that her weight gain fluctuations caused conflict within the relationship based on the OP's post, which is a huge red flag that they should never have lasted 3 years.

 

What the OP is doing is akin to emotional abuse if he gives her an ultimatum to lose her 20% weight and keep it off, or lose him. That's where I think the OP is really shallow. It seems like men are quick to give these kinds of ultimatums to women, rather than vice versa.

 

If his fitness is more important to the OP than his relationship with his girlfriend, he needs to let her go so she can be with a man who isn't going to emotionally abuse her because her weight naturally fluctuates between 10-20 pounds. And people in long-term relationships put on weight faster than single people do, probably for the obvious reason of being happy with their partner. Clearly the OP isn't happy with his girlfriend now that's she fat in his eyes. So he's willing to throw away a 3 year relationship unless she keeps her weight off. How no one can see that as dysfunctional is beyond me. Why did the OP stay with his girlfriend for 3 years? People gain weight. It's a fact of life. It's unavoidable. And it's a stupid reason to break up with someone, unless you never really loved that person to begin with.

 

FYI: With exercise, the average person's weight gain is still between 1-3 pounds per year naturally, and 3-5 pounds per year without exercise.

Edited July 11, 2012 by writergal

[maybealone]

If his fitness is more important to the OP than his relationship with his girlfriend...

 

We don't just have relationships with a person in a vacuum, a relationship should be part of the lifestyle we want. I could never again be in a relationship with someone that spends the majority of his day watching TV, eating too much, and letting extra weight affect his health. Taking care of myself and being active are priorities for me, and I want a man with similar values.

 

That's why, for me anyway, the issue would be completely different if there was a health-related reason for weight gain. There's a big difference between having a metabolic issue and being lazy.

[Leigh 87]

This is a hard one.

 

My partner likes me being thin and fit, but to him it is a big perk; it is more " fun:" to have a thin and fit girlfriend, but he still loves me just as much, now that I have gained 20 lbs.

That said, there are limits; I am 130 lbs now, up from 116 ish. any higher than 140 on my build look obese! Therefore, if I were to become oveweight looking, it would be less fun sexually for my boyfriend. He would stil love me, but it is a GREAT perk to be fit and slim for your build. Or at least average, but active and in reasonable shape. Just walking most days is fine.

 

I would look after my partner if he became disabled, but these are the truly hard issues we hope to never have to deal with; losing our legs is akin to becoming very overweight. It can simply have a HUGE impact on the sexual side to the relationship.

 

Being thin may be a preference, but being over weight, by too much, can really dampen things in the bedroom department...

There is no denying that that sex and your sexual attraction to a person, is a huge part of most relationships. It is better if your sexually attratd to each other.

It is also harder to become sexually attracted to a girl, if they gain a LOT of weight! The love could still be there, but sexually, the passion and attraction could very well wane.

 

That does not mean you could necessarily leave them and stop loving them easily, or at alll it just means one aspect of the relationship will likely suffer, if a spouse or partner is to gain a lot of weight.

[TheBigQuestion]

I read everyone's responses and my take on your dilemma is that I think you are shallow. Women gain weight for a myriad of reasons, pregnancy, PMS water weight, hormonal changes, type 2 diabetes, slow metabolism and thyroid problems and aging, as the most common reasons.

 

You don't mention your age or your girlfriend's age. Women tend to gain weight as our metabolisms slow down once we hit our 30s. So if you're relationship with your girlfriend is weight-dependent, then you will never successfully have a long-term relationship with a woman.

 

What if you are with a woman and she gets pregnant? Will you dump her before she gives birth? Or force her to starve herself during her pregnancy so she can look "good" for you, meanwhile sacrificing her baby's development? She's going to gain baby weight which she will retain after she gives birth, and baby weight is hard to lose. Plus, once a woman gives birth she very rarely returns to her pre-birth weight.

 

I think you should break up with your girlfriend because she deserves to be with a man who will love her despite her weight fluctuation. Weight happens. If you can't handle a 20% weight gain, then you shouldn't be dating women at all.

 

Well, you could always date an anorexic or bulimic woman as they will k*ll themselves to be thin for you. Or just date women under 30 who are thin. You sound like a man with a large ego if you're willing to dump your girlfriend for her small weight gain, because 20% is about 10 to 15 pounds for god sake.

 

Shame on you. Seriously.

 

Someone is really touchy about weight.

 

It's not shallow to expect from your significant other what you already have. OP made it abundantly clear that he makes physical activity and fitness a major goal for himself. It's clear that him and his girlfriend are not on the same page. His expectations are not even remotely unreasonable.

 

Most weight gain is attributable to physical inactivity and poor diet habits. Certain physical ailments and aging certainly play a role, but it's not as common as simply not prioritizing physical health and appearance. As far as the latter is concerned, I see PLENTY of exceptionally fit women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. While aging may make it more difficult to stay physically fit, it's not an excuse for significant weight gain. But PMS water weight? A few pounds that come and go with time? You and I both know that's not what OP was talking about.

 

How would you suggest he deal with the fact that he does not find his GF as attractive as he used to because of her weight gain? Attraction isn't a choice. He hasn't stopped loving her because of her weight gain. His physical attraction to her has diminished. Nothing less, nothing more.

 

Also, your math is way off, unless the OP's girlfriend weighed well under 100 pounds when he started dating her. Let's say she weighed 130 lbs (still well below an American woman's average weight) when they started dating. If she put on 20% of her original weight, that's 26 lbs. That's a pretty substantial amount of weight for any person to put on, and that's assuming OP's girlfriend only weighed 130 to begin with.

Edited July 11, 2012 by TheBigQuestion

[Radu]

I read everyone's responses and my take on your dilemma is that I think you are shallow. Women gain weight for a myriad of reasons, pregnancy, PMS water weight, hormonal changes, type 2 diabetes, slow metabolism and thyroid problems and aging, as the most common reasons.

pregnancy weight increase is not the same as weight increase, most guys see pregnant women as much hotter than when they are not pregnant

PMS water weight is not somthing that can decrease your attractiveness, because it's temporary

slow metabolism is not a good excuse, i have one and it's all about eating less, spacing out your meals and exercising

the rest are valid excuses but he doesn't mention them, at 3yrs in the relationship he would probably know them

 

You don't mention your age or your girlfriend's age. Women tend to gain weight as our metabolisms slow down once we hit our 30s. So if you're relationship with your girlfriend is weight-dependent, then you will never successfully have a long-term relationship with a woman.

Nice logic, totally removes the responsability of staying fit for your partner and casts blame on your partner ... DAMN MEN

 

What if you are with a woman and she gets pregnant? Will you dump her before she gives birth? Or force her to starve herself during her pregnancy so she can look "good" for you, meanwhile sacrificing her baby's development? She's going to gain baby weight which she will retain after she gives birth, and baby weight is hard to lose. Plus, once a woman gives birth she very rarely returns to her pre-birth weight.

Why are you fixated on the baby thing. Really, you mentioned it twice and in this case you chose a scenario that stops short from calling him a baby-hater and baby-killer.

I'll spell it again, men find pregnant women hot, regardless of how they viewed that woman before.

For us, baby weight doesn't classify as weight.

 

I think you should break up with your girlfriend because she deserves to be with a man who will love her despite her weight fluctuation. Weight happens. If you can't handle a 20% weight gain, then you shouldn't be dating women at all.

20% weight gain can be quite a lot, and you have no ideea where this weight is deposited.

You also do not know why she gained this weight, where it came from.

 

Well, you could always date an anorexic or bulimic woman as they will k*ll themselves to be thin for you. Or just date women under 30 who are thin. You sound like a man with a large ego if you're willing to dump your girlfriend for her small weight gain, because 20% is about 10 to 15 pounds for god sake.

Anorexia is not the same as bulimic, i should know, i'm bulimic.

Not all women under 30 are thin, some real whales out there.

Let's do math. I love math, sometimes.

If 20% represents 10 pounds, than it means that the woman's new weight was 100% + 20% or 60 pounds vs the original 50 pounds. I haven't seen many women who have 50 pounds [75 pounds if 20% represents 15 punds].

 

Shame on you. Seriously.

Here, take this ... it's a pitchfork, you need it.

In the meantime i will look at the threads where women complain about their husbands gaining weight and losing attraction for them.

 

OP ... talk to her and get into a gym routine with her.

If it works out, it works out, if it doesn't ... it doesn't.

Otherwise, you are looking at a sexless marriage, and kids who will grow up thinking that it's normal for mommy and daddy to not show affection.

 

And post why she gained weight, what her eating and exercising habits are [if any in the latter case].

 

PS: I see the user i quoted has been hurt by fitness freaks, i suggest you stop projecting, the OP is not the one/ones who hurt you.

Edited July 11, 2012 by Radu

[writergal]

Someone is really touchy about weight.

 

It's not shallow to expect from your significant other what you already have. OP made it abundantly clear that he makes physical activity and fitness a major goal for himself. It's clear that him and his girlfriend are not on the same page. His expectations are not even remotely unreasonable.

 

Most weight gain is attributable to physical inactivity and poor diet habits. Certain physical ailments and aging certainly play a role, but it's not as common as simply not prioritizing physical health and appearance. As far as the latter is concerned, I see PLENTY of exceptionally fit women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s. While aging may make it more difficult to stay physically fit, it's not an excuse for significant weight gain. But PMS water weight? A few pounds that come and go with time? You and I both know that's not what OP was talking about.

 

How would you suggest he deal with the fact that he does not find his GF as attractive as he used to because of her weight gain? Attraction isn't a choice. He hasn't stopped loving her because of her weight gain. His physical attraction to her has diminished. Nothing less, nothing more.

 

Also, your math is way off, unless the OP's girlfriend weighed well under 100 pounds when he started dating her. Let's say she weighed 130 lbs (still well below an American woman's average weight) when they started dating. If she put on 20% of her original weight, that's 26 lbs. That's a pretty substantial amount of weight for any person to put on, and that's assuming OP's girlfriend only weighed 130 to begin with.

 

I'm not overweight, (my BMI is 23 and I'm 5 ft 2). But I am irritated by the OP's concern over his girlfriend's weight gain. I only gave those examples of weight gain to argue my point that there are many different reasons why women put on extra weight, not to mention perimenopause (which I forgot to add previously). The OP left out details of his girlfriend's health and age, so we can't really speculate as to why she gained the weight. And I think knowing the "why" is important. It is health related? Is it due to her sedentary lifestyle?

 

Yeah, you and Radu are correct (I put my pitchfork away Radu ), my math skills are pretty awful. I was just trying to make the point that weight gain in relationships is to be expected.

 

I agree that the OP and his girlfriend aren't on the same page. Then the OP should just dump his girlfriend and only date women who make fitness and health their main goal. I just think it's strange that the OP would wait 3 years to come to this realization with his girlfriend. It seems unfair to her.

[TheBigQuestion]

I'm not overweight, (my BMI is 23 and I'm 5 ft 2). But I am irritated by the OP's concern over his girlfriend's weight gain. I only gave those examples of weight gain to argue my point that there are many different reasons why women put on extra weight, not to mention perimenopause (which I forgot to add previously). The OP left out details of his girlfriend's health and age, so we can't really speculate as to why she gained the weight. And I think knowing the "why" is important. It is health related? Is it due to her sedentary lifestyle?

 

Yeah, you and Radu are correct (I put my pitchfork away Radu ), my math skills are pretty awful. I was just trying to make the point that weight gain in relationships is to be expected.

 

I agree that the OP and his girlfriend aren't on the same page. Then the OP should just dump his girlfriend and only date women who make fitness and health their main goal. I just think it's strange that the OP would wait 3 years to come to this realization with his girlfriend. It seems unfair to her.

 

If, like you said, the OP has given us an incomplete picture of why his girlfriend has put on weight, why were you so ready and willing to break out your pitchfork in the first place? Why the need to shame him?

 

Why are you encouraging the OP to break up with his girlfriend so quickly? This guy sounds like he still loves her. He's just disturbed by his decreased attraction for her, which is not really something he can help. He clearly states he is not losing his emotional fondness for her. Some guys like women with a few extra pounds, others do not; he obviously falls into the latter category. And furthermore, there's no need to exaggerate by saying that physical fitness should be his girlfriend's top priority. You don't need to put fitness above all else in order to stay fit.

 

I also disagree that weight gain in a relationship is to be expected without some sort of issue or consequence. I don't start dating people with the expectation that only a few years down the line, they're going to put on the equivalent of 20% of their weight at the time the relationship was initiated. You know why? Because I don't have that expectation for myself.

 

The only way I could understand you saying "shame on you" to the OP is if his girlfriend put on the weight due to some genuine metabolic disorder or an injury. Chances are she's just more sedentary than she should be.