Where to find physically attractive, slightly geeky girls?

[Alma Mobley]

I think you are looking for someone like me, or at least what I was like before I got older and then married.

 

I was raised by a geeky father, so started playing video games early and don't have a problem with them. However, I never considered myself "geeky" and indeed my passion has always been writing. I do, however, play co-op games with my husband, though I probably would not play them by myself, but we have fun playing together. I played a lot of games growing up and have no problem with them at all. I do have a geeky side.

 

 

but I am not a huge fan of the gym work-out. At the same time, I do think I am above average in looks (subjective opinion) and carry myself in a classy manner, and no one would guess I play video games or like them. Not that I think there is anything wrong with games, but people have stereotypes..I also watch my weight and health (i am far, far from 422 pounds!)

 

 

Just saying.... We exist.

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[Thieves]

Zhao, I know you believe it's very hard to find the type of women you're looking for -- and it might be actually be quite difficult, but as Eclypse says, sometimes judging merely on a "surface" level when you first meet somebody is detrimental to finding the kind of person you want to date.

 

Perhap it really is where you're located, because while I haven't seen a ton of girls who meet your criteria, I do know of a few -- including myself. For instance, I like watching/participating in certain sports, I absolutely love to write, I used to play a lot of video games (so it's not completely foreign to me), know how to play a musical instrument, and I'm also a bit of a health nut. However, I'm definitely not opposed to having a few drinks every so often. Yet if you saw me at the bar on one of "those" nights and judged me mostly on that, you might never have known that I'm into all of those aforementioned things. That's why it's important to really get to know people, regardless of where you may meet them.

 

So while it may be hard to find a girl who has all of those qualities, it's not entirely impossible. I think what people are trying to say is that it's not going to be easy to find all of that in one girl, and even if so, it might take much longer than most people are willing to wait.

[verhrzn]

I don't think you understand the distinction I'm trying to make between having requirements/preferences, and levying harsh, derogatory, and negative judgments on everyone you meet. I have very specific requirements for a partner, but I don't go around calling all the younger guys I know 'immature, shallow retards' and the guys at the bar 'drunk mofos' and the guys in my class 'fat pimply slobs'.

 

Regardless, to answer your question, no, I don't think it's bad to ask for someone who fulfills all of your criteria. But we are not entitled to everything we ask for. You gotta put in the effort to ask girls out and work on yourself (and I don't just mean physically).

 

Neopets!! E, you crack me up. I really wish ya lived near me, I bet we'd have a blast at a con.

 

Anyho, I agree entirely with her point. The other thing you want to consider is that life can surprise us. I've always dated geeky guys, but they've sometimes been geeky in ways that I hadn't anticipated when making my list of "things I want": like a guy who is really into classical music. I couldn't originally relate to that (I like classical but am not very knowledgeable about it), and after dating him, I have a newfound interest and appreciation for such a hobby.

 

Yes, you need to be able to relate to the person you're dating, but common interests is actually less important "beginning" criteria than the ability to create common interests. I and my ex didn't have a ton of similar overlap in taste, but right from the start we were excited about introducing the other person to our hobbies, and we made an effort to find things we enjoyed together. It made for a great and very fulfilling relationship. If I had been looking for ONLY common interests, I would have missed that.

 

Go back and read Dr. Nerdlove's article on Not Dating Geeky Girls, because I think that's exactly the trap you're falling into. I also think Ninja had a good point that it sounds like you still idealize your ex. Not, NOT, a good place to begin a relationship from. Maybe take some time to still deal with your feelings for your ex, and adjust your perspective a little.

 

.... And stop calling girls fat slobs. It should go without saying, but you should be courteous and empathetic to everyone you meet, regardless of appearance. If nothing else, that "fat slob" you're being nice to might have a hot female friend she'd introduce you to, but if you're a jerk, she won't want to bother.

[Els]

Neopets!! E, you crack me up. I really wish ya lived near me, I bet we'd have a blast at a con.

 

We so would. I don't think I'd have the guts to dress up for a con like you do, though. When I went with my friends I was usually happy to mosey around, take pictures and visit stalls, and watch other people dress up.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Uh...what I post here I obviously don't say to people I meet. That would be all sorts of crazy to dump everything upfront like that. I find it funny that some of you think I actually go up to girls, be an *******, and call them fat slobs. If I wanted to be an *******, then I'd just scoop up the insecure ones that flock to the bars in ink cities.

[verhrzn]

Uh...what I post here I obviously don't say to people I meet. That would be all sorts of crazy to dump everything upfront like that. I find it funny that some of you think I actually go up to girls, be an *******, and call them fat slobs. If I wanted to be an *******, then I'd just scoop up the insecure ones that flock to the bars in ink cities.

 

You don't have to say it; girls still know.

 

Dumping a little science on you. Scientific studies have found, conclusively, that the average woman is far, far, FAR better at reading social cues, and non-verbal language than the average men. And the average men is, well, not so good at disguising it. Science has pretty much proven what annoying sitcoms have been touting for years.

 

You don't have to say anything for the women around you to figure out exactly what you think of them. Women know... they just know, from the length of your eye contact, the way you stand, your change in tone, all of it.

 

I (occasionally) have guys tell me straight to my face how disgusting I am. But usually, it's much more subtle than that. And as a fat girl, I am telling you right now: I know when you think I am a disgusting slob. You may think you're hiding the thought perfectly well, but I, and all of my female friends, can see exactly what you're thinking and feeling.

 

That's why you need to stop even thinking of girls as fat slobs. Yeah, you could learn to completely control your tone and body language like a robot.... or you could just grow some empathy and deal with people as human beings regardless of their appearance.

 

That doesn't mean you have to be attracted to them. It just means you stop slapping labels on them, and learn to talk to them like you would any other person.. with interest, without judgement.

[somedude81]

If cons are actually a good place to meet geeky girls, then how is a guy supposed to do it? Randomly go up to every cute girl he sees and ask her out?

 

One place I've had some luck meeting geeky girls is in college. There are plenty of them in Japanese class, and in the Japan and anime clubs on campus. Though the big problem was finding out which ones were open to dating. And after what happened last year, I have no interest in being just friends with anybody. I know better than to hope a girl will come around.

[verhrzn]

If cons are actually a good place to meet geeky girls, then how is a guy supposed to do it? Randomly go up to every cute girl he sees and ask her out?

 

No, you don't just ask her out. But you do just approach her, or strike up a conversation with people near her. Cons are awesome because there are so many great conversation starters... did ya like that panel, what's your costume from, know any good party rooms, etc. Even better, you already know you have something in common with the people you're talking to!

 

So you have some good conversation, maybe exchange contact information (phone number, Facebook) and then right after the Con you contact em and say "hey you were awesome, how about a cup of coffee?" Ta-da.

 

Seriously, read the Dr. NL articles, it's all in there. Easy as cake.

[CarrieT]

Re: Getman girls...

They also tend to be quite straight laced though

 

You haven't watched much German porn lately, have you?!! Germans are some of the LEAST straight-laced people in the world!

 

OP, the girl you describe DOES exist; it just takes time and patience - but they are few and far between.

 

I know because for my BF, I am like what you want: geeky (we go to space conventions, military ships, and airline museums - I also used to own an ISP). We watch a lot of obscure movies, go to avant garde concerts, and hike or bike on weekends. I'm also into cooking and entertaining and we both like to read and travel voraciously.

 

Finding someone who is into as many diverse things as you is possible - you just have to take your time and <ahem> probably kiss a lot of frogs in the meantime.

[Els]

Uh...what I post here I obviously don't say to people I meet. That would be all sorts of crazy to dump everything upfront like that. I find it funny that some of you think I actually go up to girls, be an *******, and call them fat slobs. If I wanted to be an *******, then I'd just scoop up the insecure ones that flock to the bars in ink cities.

 

The fact that you think the ONLY reason your comments would be bad is if you blurted them out to the people involved... is pretty indicative of a lot of things as well. Regardless, you still don't seem to get my point, so I'll leave it at that. Good luck with stuff, anyhow.

 

 

If cons are actually a good place to meet geeky girls, then how is a guy supposed to do it? Randomly go up to every cute girl he sees and ask her out?

 

One place I've had some luck meeting geeky girls is in college. There are plenty of them in Japanese class, and in the Japan and anime clubs on campus. Though the big problem was finding out which ones were open to dating. And after what happened last year, I have no interest in being just friends with anybody. I know better than to hope a girl will come around.

 

Well, I do know some guys who got with female cosplayers, but those guys usually have an active role in the cons as well. ie they themselves cosplay, they work with the girls at the booths, they don't just turn up one day and hit on them.

[zengirl]

OP:

 

I agree with Elswyth that the way you put people down makes it seem like you're kind of acting like a jerk. I don't know if you MEAN to do it, but thinking mean things and saying them to other people, even if not to the face of the person, is still being a jerk. I also agree with Ninja that it seems like you're not over your ex and that's a part of the problem.

 

As to where to meet attractive, nerdy women, you've been given quite a few places, but SPORTY (and it does sound like you want sporty, though you said you didn't) nerdy women who like the gym? That's going to be kind of rare. I know plenty of nerds who stay in shape, maybe go to a gym if they have to, or find some other way, but they don't make it a focal point of their lives. It's just maintenance, not fun. I don't know many nerdy girls that would even date a gym rat! I know I wouldn't. Gym rats and nerds/geeks are typically polar opposites, but there are certainly sporty girls who are intelligent, just not nerdy. So you have to decide which to prioritize. You basically need to start from scratch on what you want and stop comparing everyone to the exGF.

 

Well, I've found that anime is the "gateway drug" of geekery for girls. As a pre-teen, I found animes very non-threatening (featured romances, growing-up stories, the sorts of things girls are taught to respond to over, say, the violence featured in a lot of video games), and I could watch it without being seen as too weird (which for a pre-teen girl is VERY important.) As I got more and more into anime, the tendrils (suppress the hentai puns) lead off into different nerd pursuits.... I became interested in Japanese language and culture, which lead me to Japanese classes in school, which lead to me meeting kids who played Magic, which lead into tabletop gaming...

 

Interesting to me, as anime was probably the LAST nerdy interest I got into and even then, I don't like much of it. Personally, I would imagine that video games were the gateway to nerdy-girls, but most of the nerdy girls I know were always nerdy, like I was. Since we were kids. OR they caught "nerdy" from a past or current BF.

[todreaminblue]

Nah, it's because the only girls I've met since my ex were from bars and clubs. They're just out to get drunk and have fun. Being somebody who rarely drinks, I didn't click with any of them.

 

I don't understand how I'm asking for too much in a woman. I'm asking for two very broad things. I guess I'll condense more. A physically healthy geek? I don't care what geeky thing you like, just something geeky that I can relate to. I don't care if you're some super athlete or HB10, just somebody who's willing to put in the effort to be healthy.

 

Yes, I do have something negative to say about every girl I've ever met in an anime or book club. "Negative" in the sense that none were physically active. I became friends and hung out with them. It usually boiled down to playing video games at whoever's place or watching anime at whoever's place. How about shooting some hoops or just tossing a ball around? Nah, none of them ever wanted to. It might have been outside of their comfort zone or something, I don't know.

 

As for holding out for the "perfect" woman, isn't that what people always say? You'll eventually meet the perfect person for you in life, somebody that you'll be amazingly compatible with, etc? That was my ex, but the LDR was no longer working.

 

Are two qualities really too much to ask for? I'm asking where I can meet a person like this because I want to meet somebody new. I'm not going to sit around and wait for my ex in case she comes back a couple of months or years down the line. That's just stupid to me. I'm not going to "settle" for somebody who I won't be fully happy. I don't think that's love.

 

So to compromise, I can be with somebody who doesn't want to do anything that I want to do, or I can be with somebody who I'd be unhappy with in the relationship because she's not taking care of herself. Neither seems right for me. Again, I'm not asking for somebody who loves to play basketball, WoW, watches every new anime, and wants to go to boot camp with me three times a week at 5 A.M. I feel like what I want seems very broad.

 

I can go through my past exes if you want. I dated a nerdy girl who only played MMORPGs and studied. She never wanted to do anything else, and I felt like I was missing a lot in that relationship. I had an ex who was geeky and played lots of games, but she stayed in the apartment all day smoking, drinking, and not eating right. I "settled" for that, and it didn't work out anyway. She cheated on me, but that's another story. I had an ex who went to the gym every day and also played WoW, but since the only thing we shared was WoW, she never really clicked with me enough for her to take it seriously. I had an ex who was very career-driven, passionate about her studies, very geeky (geekier than me now) and caring, but what ultimately made me not want to work things out with her (such as her misunderstanding unrelated things and being angry with me) was because I found her sexually unattractive. She was extremely overweight and didn't want to do anything about it at all. I'm sorry if it sounds shallow, but I think lack of sexual attraction would kill most relationships regardless. I can go on and on, but that's enough. I've "compromised" enough to know what I want, and again, it's two things that aren't specific at all.

 

I'm work hard on myself. Is it so much to ask for somebody who puts in the same effort as me?

 

You aren't thinking outside the box ......here is a thought outside the box for you......the clubs that you have given up on.......stop thinking about the girls on the dance floor who have drunk too much, gravitate towards the designated driver girlfriends who have to take them home.....they are there too..and guess what.... they rarely drink...gravitate towards the girls who are drinking water just so they can work up a sweat and keep hydrated and are dancing because they enjoy the bass beat and go out once a week to let their hair down.....you have had a few relationships in your past and to me the relationships breakdowns happened because of something about them wasnt suitable for you.....that you made the compromises, that you think that you are asking for a pretty broad spectrum of female company and that you apologize for being shallow at the same time......you feel you are being reasonable in your requests....you want to know where to go to find these women who fit your broad spectrum.............take advice from women would be one......think outside the box and work on the fact you need to fit into that "broad" spectrum that you want in a partner......because YOU are the one who is unable to find what you are looking for.....so it is you who needs to gain the skills to succeed.....work on your people skills.....or think inside the box and not work on yourself and what you have to offer......i ask this......."why should a girll/woman have to fit your criteria .....you dont want to settle anymore huh......females arent meant to be criteria specific .....females dont exist to make men happy or fill criteria....like men dont exist to fill ours lists of must haves.....when you find someone its more important that they can make you smile and you want to make them smile because their smile is so goddamn sexy and then your heartbeat speeds up waiting to see them smile again.....not your heartbeat accelerating because they know that cowboy bebop is on tomorrow night.....good luck.....deb..

[ZhaoZilong5]

Huh, I don't know why people don't think I want what's best for my SO. Whenever I was with them, I was willing to do anything to make them happy. I would have died for them. I enjoyed their company and loved them, and they did with me too.

 

Somewhere along the way, they would always suffer from G.I.G.S./whatever and "fall out of love" with me. I'd get the usual, "You're a sweet, amazing guy that deserves the best, but I can't do that for you. It's not you; it's me." etc. etc.

 

I was always happy with them until the very end. It's the fact that they weren't happy yet didn't know why that bugged me. Some tried to come back. **** them. I'm not settling for 2nd best...for people who left me to ride other cocks and come crawling back to me when it didn't work out.

 

I don't know. It seems like a lot of you here go on and on about self-respect, healing, self-improvement, and confidence after a break-up. So now that I'm climbing back up, I feel like I'm getting kicked back down again. If being somebody who is confident and happy with his self-improvement is narcissistic, then whatever.

 

Again, I'm not looking for a clone of my ex. I think you people are ignoring that I like certain kinds of women. Women that a lot of my exes were similar to, but not quite. I'm saying "similar" because there were things like constantly staying inside and not trying to be healthy was a turn-off. Constantly sitting in the apartment and drinking or smoking. Girls for some reason who liked logic and technical stuff, yet they couldn't relate to me and ended up leaving me for philosophical, artsy/musical guys or whatever.

 

I have never been a dumper. The only relationship that I wasn't happy in was obviously the one that I got cheated on. I want a girl that I'm physically attracted to who can also relate to me. I'm tired of getting these girls who *think* they like academia, yet all of a sudden they end up feeling like they can't relate to it and go find greener pastures. Yeah, I liked my fair share of anime, but not enough to wake up and immediately watch an entire series for the entire day. I liked my fair share of games, but not enough to log onto WoW to grind for useless crap from morning until late at night. I like physical activity, but when we're resting or we're just inside having a lazy day, I just want somebody that acts more like a GF than a roommate/exercise partner because she doesn't like doing anything that I like to do indoors.

 

A final note. Stop focusing on me not liking unhealthy girls as some sort of bad thing. I take care of myself, so I feel like it's fair for me to want somebody who takes care of herself. I am NOT physically attracted to somebody who doesn't, so saying that I should give them a chance is doomed to failure. I can't help what I'm attracted and unattracted to. Forcing myself to date women that I have 0 interest in isn't going to make things work out in the end. I may like some things about them, but the problem already stands that they're not going to put in enough effort to work on themselves, and thus, the relationship.

[Emilia]

Re: Getman girls...

 

You haven't watched much German porn lately, have you?!! Germans are some of the LEAST straight-laced people in the world!

 

 

I think if you base your views of the average person on the porn industry of their country you are in big trouble

 

I know several Germans as I have worked with quite few over the years. A safer sample to base views on than porn actors I'd gather

[Emilia]

 

A final note. Stop focusing on me not liking unhealthy girls as some sort of bad thing. I take care of myself, so I feel like it's fair for me to want somebody who takes care of herself. I am NOT physically attracted to somebody who doesn't, so saying that I should give them a chance is doomed to failure. I can't help what I'm attracted and unattracted to. Forcing myself to date women that I have 0 interest in isn't going to make things work out in the end. I may like some things about them, but the problem already stands that they're not going to put in enough effort to work on themselves, and thus, the relationship.

 

A lot of people are projecting OP, don't worry about it, it's only expected

[Els]

For a 'child prodigy', OP, you seem remarkably lacking in comprehension. Here's my post again for your perusal.

 

I don't think you understand the distinction I'm trying to make between having requirements/preferences, and levying harsh, derogatory, and negative judgments on everyone you meet. I have very specific requirements for a partner, but I don't go around calling all the younger guys I know 'immature, shallow retards' and the guys at the bar 'drunk mofos' and the guys in my class 'fat pimply slobs'.

 

Regardless, to answer your question, no, I don't think it's bad to ask for someone who fulfills all of your criteria. But we are not entitled to everything we ask for. You gotta put in the effort to ask girls out and work on yourself (and I don't just mean physically).

[zengirl]

Huh, I don't know why people don't think I want what's best for my SO. Whenever I was with them, I was willing to do anything to make them happy. I would have died for them. I enjoyed their company and loved them, and they did with me too.

 

I haven't really seen anyone say you wouldn't treat your SO well (or that you would). But, to me, treating strangers with a modicum of respect is important too. There are many jerks who would treat those closest to them nicely, but they're still jerks because of the way they treat everyone else (not saying you're a jerk --- just saying I haven't seen that the criticism levied towards you on your actions hasn't been towards your actions with an actual SO).

 

Some tried to come back. **** them. I'm not settling for 2nd best...for people who left me to ride other cocks and come crawling back to me when it didn't work out.

 

Like this attitude. I'm not suggesting you should try a 2nd time with someone when it didn't work out (in fact, I think it's a good policy not to do so in most cases), but thinking something like this is a bit gross. It would suggest to me that your good treatment and even basic respect is dependent on being close to you --- once they leave you, they forfeit basic good treatment and respect which should be afforded to EVERYONE, which is the kind of thing (only with strangers who've never done ANYTHING to you!) people have criticized you for, not for the way you treated your SOs.

 

I don't know. It seems like a lot of you here go on and on about self-respect, healing, self-improvement, and confidence after a break-up. So now that I'm climbing back up, I feel like I'm getting kicked back down again. If being somebody who is confident and happy with his self-improvement is narcissistic, then whatever.

 

It's your lack of respect and caring for others that has been knocked. There's also a line between confident and arrogant/narcissistic. No one is suggesting you not have pride in yourself, but MOST people do not declare themselves 'child prodigies' or any other kind of 'hot ****' without expecting others to raise an eyebrow. Whereas had you said, "I'm happy with who I am and my self improvement," I don't see how anyone would, or could, criticize THAT.

 

Again, I'm not looking for a clone of my ex. I think you people are ignoring that I like certain kinds of women. Women that a lot of my exes were similar to, but not quite.

 

At any rate, I would examine the reasons it didn't work out with those women, whatever it was, before diving into the same situation again. If you've already met several of this type of women, why don't you know places where you might find them? Where did you find the others?

[ZhaoZilong5]

For a 'child prodigy', OP, you seem remarkably lacking in comprehension. Here's my post again for your perusal.

 

<Sigh> if you're only here to troll me and play that game, then fine. For somebody who's trying to insult my lack of comprehension, you sure as hell don't have any either. I never called myself one. Other people did, and I already said multiple times that I personally believe that people overestimate me for whatever reason. It's related, because a lot of my exes saw this "perfect" guy, yet for some reason left me somewhere down the line without knowing why. Would you mind being open-minded for once and not focus on specific words out of entire paragraphs? If I was such an amazing guru in love or thought that I was, then I wouldn't be "humble" enough to post on a forum full of strangers for advice, now would I?

 

I haven't really seen anyone say you wouldn't treat your SO well (or that you would). But, to me, treating strangers with a modicum of respect is important too. There are many jerks who would treat those closest to them nicely, but they're still jerks because of the way they treat everyone else (not saying you're a jerk --- just saying I haven't seen that the criticism levied towards you on your actions hasn't been towards your actions with an actual SO).

 

 

 

Like this attitude. I'm not suggesting you should try a 2nd time with someone when it didn't work out (in fact, I think it's a good policy not to do so in most cases), but thinking something like this is a bit gross. It would suggest to me that your good treatment and even basic respect is dependent on being close to you --- once they leave you, they forfeit basic good treatment and respect which should be afforded to EVERYONE, which is the kind of thing (only with strangers who've never done ANYTHING to you!) people have criticized you for, not for the way you treated your SOs.

 

 

 

It's your lack of respect and caring for others that has been knocked. There's also a line between confident and arrogant/narcissistic. No one is suggesting you not have pride in yourself, but MOST people do not declare themselves 'child prodigies' or any other kind of 'hot ****' without expecting others to raise an eyebrow. Whereas had you said, "I'm happy with who I am and my self improvement," I don't see how anyone would, or could, criticize THAT.

 

 

 

At any rate, I would examine the reasons it didn't work out with those women, whatever it was, before diving into the same situation again. If you've already met several of this type of women, why don't you know places where you might find them? Where did you find the others?

 

I'm confident that I treat people very well. Everybody gets along with me and thinks I'm a very good person. I can't think of a single person who dislikes me honestly. I don't treat people badly when they leave me. I'm still on friendly terms with all of my exes. I could have been an ******* and told me ex off and gave her a bunch of insults for doing what she did, and I would have felt justified in doing it because it freaking hurts, but I didn't. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad I took some time to cool off and didn't do that.

 

Again, the child prodigy thing and numbers or whatever. I'm using other adjectives that people have described me. Both the good and the bad. After all, what other people think of me matters. Like I said, other people have called me that, yet I feel like they really, really overestimated my abilities. Other people have called me a "solid" 8 in physical appearance, but I honestly think I'm only a 7. I stated those remarks because there's a difference between how I perceive myself and how others perceive me, and I think that's important because any potential dates would be "other" people. I don't think I'm hot ****, not even close to it. I'll list them with what I've seen happen in my past relationships.

 

4 exes ago, she didn't like that I would rather play Guitar Hero III with a friend of mine instead of going out for a walk with her one evening. It was a friend that I see once every year or two. For some reason, and I don't know why, I do agree that I should have gone on that walk with her instead of playing games with him. Maybe it's because I could have caught up with him the next year, or maybe it's because I've always felt like I should prioritize a GF over a friend. I don't know. /shrug

 

3 exes ago, she never took the relationship seriously, so it was bound to fail anyway.

 

2 exes ago, she cheated on me. It didn't matter how much of a doormat I was, because the relationship lasted for a year, and she cheated on me a month in. I didn't find out until the very end. Regardless, whatever problems I might have had (being too "nice" aka. clingy doormat), I don't think there is a single good reason at all for cheating. In reality, it was because she didn't any other men except for her father. It's probably because she was a rape victim in the past, and she held some sort of grudge against me for telling her that I didn't love her when she asked me...almost a decade before...in high school. At the time, I honestly didn't believe that I knew what love was, so I told her the truth. Looking back now, I was right. Maybe there are some things I should never tell a girl, but when they ask so bluntly, what the heck am I going to do? Lie? I don't want a relationship built on a lie.

 

This last one, umm...it was both of us. I didn't want to move up there, she was afraid to move down here. My "fault" for not willing to compromise, and her "fault" for not communicating her fear with me. She has anxiety issues due to some things happening as a child, so I don't blame her fear. In fact, I don't blame anything. I don't think the blame game is a healthy way of doing things in a relationship. I didn't have a job or went to school at the time, but my reason for that was because I had to quit everything to take care of both of my parents that were getting trainwrecked with medical issues. Cancer, more cancer, exams out the wazoo that they should have had done years ago...things just added up, and I prioritized my time with my GF and my parents. My parents don't speak English, so I often play interpreter 24/7.

 

Number 3 was that she thought I was getting angry and upset with her galore. It was really only 3 times. One of which because she got mad at me for something nonsensical, which she ended up admitting it was dumb on her part, and I apologized too. 2nd time I don't even remember, it was something small about something that didn't matter. 3rd time was also something small, but she was being rude to me and I got mad about that. I guess she took all of these things personally as being her fault. In reality, I could have just ignored them, but that would be a doormat. Hell, she even told me that if anything ever bothered me, then I should let her know, since it's bad to bottle things up. Well hey now, that's why reason #3 happened...

 

I guess because of those 3 reasons, she started liking me "to a way lesser extent" over those 2 months, and she met a guy who she was starstruck with and felt like it was jeopardizing us because of how much she felt for him. Turns out he's a douche bag (her words, not mine), but his friend's a really nice guy, and she has a soft spot for him. She doesn't want to get back together with me now because it's unrealistic to (I kind of agree, but at the same time I also disagree) due to things on both of our ends.

 

I thought about it more this morning and ended up figuring out some things. Reason #1, her fear of moving. She thought I didn't want to move up there, because I told her I didn't. In actuality, I do because it would be a better life for me, even without her. She thought I was just being desperate at first, but now she knows that I'm not because my mind hasn't changed about that. Her anxiety issues made her fear moving in with me. She didn't communicate it with me because she thought she was just being stupid (again, her words, not mine), and she was just waiting for those thoughts and feelings to past. She's also iffy about me moving in with her, because when she moved in with her ex to help him pay his rent, he screwed her over and moved out to live with his parents.

 

Reason #2, the lack of a job/school thing. It's funny, when we started out, I said I was going to give myself a year, but she laughed it off and said she wasn't going to give me a time limit on it. Ironically, I actually met my own deadline. Parents are A-OK...well, my mother is at least, and my father he might be. My mother's relatively healthy again from major illnesses, and my father...I guess she's just chugging along. Regardless, until she sees it, she's still iffy on it. That sucks, because she said she's taking a couple of months to stay single, and that was mid-June. My stuff doesn't begin until August. >.>

 

Reason #3 is whatever. I have my life on track. I can control my emotions better when it comes to that, because I care about us. I believe that I took her for granted and was too "comfortable" with my emotions around her. She doesn't think I took her for granted at all. I guess each side is blaming himself/herself for this one. She kept saying the entire BU was her fault. I can see things also being my fault. I don't think it's "****ed up" that she left me for some other guy, because in actuality, that wasn't the sole reason why. It's not like she's immediately hopping into other relationships, because she isn't. I would consider what she's doing as dating, but she's not making any major leaps into commitment yet. She honestly has been as honest with what she could throughout the entire time that I've known her. Anything else she just doesn't know, and I understand, because I've been through that before.

 

Reason #4 is something she has to figure out on her own. She's always been one to choose the person she leans more towards. That's a 100% emotional way to approach things. /shrug Why go with somebody you like less? I understand that. At the same time, I foolishly told her she was acting on impulses at first. Well, I was right, but it doesn't matter lol. If she chooses this new guy, then I hope all goes well for her. He seems like a nice guy, and he's being integrated into her social circles and have met her best friends already. Not sure how well it bodes for me.

 

It's also a little ridiculous to me that I've gotten to a point in this thread where if I use any negative adjective, I feel like I have to clarify that it never came from me.

 

Anyway, on a final note, I guess I'm being drawn back to my ex again after also trying to see what's out there. I met a pretty girl who likes to jog and has geeky interests. Well, I should say she was a girl I liked, but wasn't single, so I started dating my ex. My ex wasn't a "back-up" plan. She was the person who was available. I did and still do love my ex. I guess people can play the 2nd-best card here if they want, but my ex knew that I eventually grew to like her more than this other past romantic interest. Also, this aforementioned other girl had some past trauma that makes her extremely fearful of sex and penetration. If I were to ever date her, then I'd be willing to try and help her through that, because I feel like relationships take work and aren't just something that can be walked through.

 

Add "emotionally healthy" to that list of qualities I want. It's ironic that all of the dating tips out there say to hide your baggage and not let people find out at the beginning, but that seems to cause more trouble. It's more painful to end LTRs because of this crap than to just accept that they weren't ready for a relationship in the first place.