rd1978 Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 ok i see most people her saying that their ex doesnt contact them enough,, and they wish they did,,, well i think my ex contacts me to much and i dont know if im wasting my time,, although in 2 months i havent contacted her 1 single time and for a little over a month i refused any contact with her....{ because she was talking to someone else} so i decided 1 day to tak her calls and we have been talking on average every other day for about 3-4 weeks,,, when i first started accepting calls she was estatic and sooooo happy to taLK TO ME....we have not talked about anything such as who we are seeing talking to dating etc... so she doesnt know what im up to... there has been 2 times in the past week where she inderectly asked me to hang out,,, but we didnt i time i told her i had plans and the other we just ended up talking,, and this girl came up that used to like me,, and then she went nuts, saying how ugly she is nasty,, probally easy because she liked me,, and then she started asking me if i hooked up w/ her and what not..... SHE is extremly curious as to what ive been up to now she is starting to ask what i did last night ,, who i hung out with ,, stuff like that,, now when we were togethor i did the same thing i didnt exactly tell her everything,,, and that was a big problem,, i kinda feel that i need to tell her stuff BUT we arent togethor and she is my EX,, and i need to have a bit of mystery in there so she thinks,,,,, so how do i handle talking to her and the QUESTIONS??,, i really dont want to ease her mind by telling her everything ,, if its going to help us get togethor then thats 1 thing if its going to make her stronger than thats another,, should i just come out and say what do you want ? because im getting sick of wasting my breath with her and im getting sick of her contacting me when i asked her not to a million times.....
Varacha Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Ask her it will make iteasier and define what rights she has to be asking in your love life.
Fayebelle Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Next time she asks what you did the nt before say " Oh I had a nice time and you?" If she asks for specifics say "I don't want to bore you with my personal life." The fact that you pointed out that parts of your life are personal and she is not privy to every aspect should make her back down. If it doesn't than you have every right to ask her why she is so interested (a.ka. snooping) and you can find out WHY she thinks she should know everything you do. She may be interested in rekindling your relationship or she may just be a nosy person. Either way you can decide if you want to share more with her or set up bounderies on what she does and does not have the right to ask about.
Author rd1978 Posted July 5, 2004 Author Posted July 5, 2004 i mean really am i over reacting i dont mind telling her some things but,,, she deosnt need to know everything,, part of me thinks its her being nosey to settle her mind, and part of me thinks that she wants me back and she is weakning,,, i mean the things i have told her didnt invlove any girls or anything like that,, she is extremly jelious of my girl-friends and they are all good looking and what not,,, i dont want to make her pissy,, but she is being really unfair,, she is good for that and doesnt seem to understand things, see i havent asked her what she has been doing or anything like that because i dont feel its any of my buisness she made comments when we broke up like my biggest fear is loosing you for for ever and you finding someone and never wanting me back...... then the other day, she told me she was angry because i go out and do fun stuff,, and that im very secretive about telling her some things, and she was like that hasnt changed about you,, so i said wel i dont think friends should be mad at things like that... that seem to have gotten her... she was like,,,FRIENDS? then she said i dont know if we could be friends its just not that easy,, then she asked if i thats what i wanted to be firend's,, and i told her well i dont want to be enemies..... she has a huge heart but she lets jeliousy and insecurities get in the way,, i bet the guy she is talking to would love to know how much she contacts and talks to me ,, and how friendly she is being asking me to do things,, oh but wait she said she couldnt be friends because she couldnt handle it so what are we then????? { i dont really know what the deal is with this other guy?}
Varacha Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 You think telling this other guy that she talks to you and wants to do things with you is that wise? she could just also wanting to be friends to me and one of my ex's are the best of friends we tell each other everything. Maybe she wants that with you.
Author rd1978 Posted July 5, 2004 Author Posted July 5, 2004 it is very possible that all she wants is to be friends,,,, But she told me that she probably wouldnt be able to be friends,, because its not that easy, and i told her i didnt think it would be easy either,, and no i wouldnt think about telling this other guy anything,, if we work things out i want it to be because ,,she wants to be with me not because i started a problem with them,, i just dont think its very fair for her to be talking to me the way she is if she doesnt want to work things out,, i mean if she doesnt think she can be friends because its not that easy then what does she want????? i think if i told her i hung out with girls and did things with them and what not, she would probally go nuts,, even if she is sleeping with someone else,, to make an example, The other time we broke up,, she was hanging out with this guy and i started hanging out with this girl,,, and i told her and she was like your an a**h***,,, you cant do that,, your just going to hurt this girl your not over me ,, you dont know what your doing......your going to regret it etc. etc. But it was ok for her to be with someone else...... thats why i dont know what her intentions are,, personally i feel if she doesnt want to be with me right now,, and she doesnt think she can be my friend,, then she shouldnt be contacting me at ALL !!
Varacha Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 Well this is easier said then done, simply stop talking to her or when she calls tell her your busy, until she realizes she can't control your life it's the best way to avoid her jealousy. Can I ask who broke up with who?
Author rd1978 Posted July 5, 2004 Author Posted July 5, 2004 SHE broke up with me,, she was unshure about it because she kept going back and forth and i couldnt take it so i said we cant talk if you dont know what you want we cant talk..... so she called me everday for a week,, i dindt awnser,, and i finally called her back and we had the talk she said she wanted to be single and not have to worry about anyone etc.etc. and maybe in the future we would work things out,, but no guarentees,,, now that night she had plans to hang out with this kid so she had the power to say what she said to me,, although she wanted to hang out the next day but we didnt after she told me she hung out with that other kid,, i wasnt having that,,,,and like i said i refused alot of phone calls and instant messages from her.. for over a month,,, and then 1 day i felt i could accept everything and talk to her so now she calls or write's me often.... the thing is why in the hell is she JELIOUS ,,,she is with or is hanging out with someone else,,, so she should be happy for whatever it is i am doing {RIGHT} it was HER decision to set me free to hang out and see other people and if she did know that i was,, she would go freaking nuts,,, part of me just thinks she wanted to have her fun and get it out of her system ,,, ok i did cut it off for the first time on last sunday,, i didnt sign on instant messanger all week,, so thats when she called me on wensday and sayed she was bored wanted to play tennis or something,, then she called on fri and wanted to know what i was doing... PART of me feels that when i cut her off i am goin g to lose her to this other kid but she just keeps on contacting me ,, {A} i just need to find out what she wants and if she doesnt want to work things out then i need to tell her to leave me alone and if she doesnt,, i will let her man know she ifs freaking nuts and will not go away... any thaught on this?
Varacha Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 hmmm thats a tough one however, you are still single so , go out and hang out with other girls, if she gets mad thats her own problem not yours as you are still single. As for the jealousy thing if there is this much jealousy with you two being "friends" what was it like when you were a couple.
Author rd1978 Posted July 5, 2004 Author Posted July 5, 2004 haha your catching on,, that was about 65% of the problem the was extremly jelious like being nuts over it..... and she knew this and it created ALOT of problems her telling me all my girl friends are ugly,, { which in reality they are beautifeull and even if they arent comments like that shouldnt be made} She was always so negative about the things i did and my friends ,,BUT in reality my friends are much much better people in general than anyone she hangs out with,, its almost like she cant control it,,,, i know if i wanted to i could drive her nuts right now,, she has lost her upper hand and i know this kid she is seeing is nothing special ,, he probally just gives her the attention that she needs,,, with her insecurities,,, if i were to cut her off right now i dont know what she would do but she wouldnt handle it well,,, BUT SHE CANT HAVE HER CAKE AND EAT IT TO....
Varacha Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Oh my, well I've been the brunt of jealous girl friends before and it sucks for my boys and for the friends. Thats one emotion I don't understand since I've never had cause to get jealous. Well I'll tell you what I usually tell my guy friends, what makes you happiest?, who are you are you the person you are when your with her or them? If your answer is being single or when your with your friends you've got to get away from this girl, as a girl friend she has to many issues but as a friend she's doing nothing but bringing you down, and no one needs friends like that.
Author rd1978 Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 deep down i know your right,, i cannot be myself whatsoever around her, she def. brings me down and because of her negativity i see myself acting negative towrds her for things i would never do,, i always told myself i didnt know if i couold see her in my future,,, ther is no doubht some things i did to i could understand made her jelious ,, but i feel that maybe i acted that way because she was nagging and complaing so much and not giving me that loving feeling? yeah its funny how she is trying to be so posessive and we arent even togethor she has seen the change in my attitude,, i dont get mad or pissy basically im acting like i dont care and im happy for her,, and i can sense that kills her,, ill never be able to figure her out,, some people say thats just women but i say its her!! i am going out and having my fun if it doesnt work out then it doesnt,, but we really bolth need to break up and go our own ways becasue we dont really know anything else,,, so it had to happen for curiositys sake ,,,,, and we bolth had some growing up to do im going to keep things the way they are alittle longer then ... im done... im so done playing this game she either wants to be friends ,, or she doesnt, if we were friends she wouldnt be able to handle the fact that i was seeing other girls if it was braught up,, she could be with three other guys at the same time but if i was seeing 1 girl she would flip out,, i just dont think that is very fair.. and personally after i say all this i dont know why i waste my time with someone so unfair ,, unstable,, insecure ,,, and childish,,, but i guess after 5 years it isnt so easy sometimes
Varacha Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 It's understandable why you feel this way after 5 years change is hard, but at least your taking the steps to make yourself a better happier person, it's defiantly hard to do. The first step is realizing what the problem is and you've already gotten there congrats.
Author rd1978 Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 now my next step is figuring out what her deal is,, basically i never put in my 110% why i dont know ? im kinda leaning towards the fact that we were young and we didnt really know anything else in the past 5 years..... And its very hard to go thru life not getting to really know anyone else,, the curiositys will always be there,,,,,,, we bolth know the reason that we had for things not working so well,, and it was lack of maturity and curiosity's..... I just dont understand why she is writing me so much,,, and last week inderectly asking me to hang out 2 times..... i swear it seems like she might want to try something again..... But i know she is really scared.. scared of things falling back in the same rut,, or i figured she just wanted to be friends but..... then why did she say she didnt think she could be,, and its just not that easy ,, then asking me if what i wanted was to be friends........ and the fact that i havent contacted her 1 time,, and she writes me on instant messanger every single time im on and she is on,,,, and calls me also?? If she misses me then she should accept that was her decision to see someone else means that we cannot talk { right} ? I mean i did tell her that she cant contact me in any way possible for a long long time,,,,, BUT she said i miss you if i cant talk to you.....WELL if i decided to break up w/ someone i wouldnt be calling them or writing them more than like 1 or 2 times a month if even that,,, unless i wanted them back,, there would be no security issues for me ,, that was my decision that means ill have to deal with it.......... what do you think i should do? should i keep things the way they are? should i throw her a little more of myself and maybe flirt some more ,, should i ask her to do something? should i wait for her to ask me again? IS she just trying to be tough since she broke up with me even if she wants me back,,,, or do you think she is doing this for her own self good to have extra security??? and part of me thinks that she doesnt event think that i would want her back after being with someone else.....
Varacha Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 How old are you two if you don't mind me asking? First of ask yourself this do you want to be with her? Once you figure that out make plans to go to dinner with her where you can talk Do however take into account that you two have known nothing different for 5 years, your her "safe" person. You know the person she always would go to, and it is a hard habit to break.
Author rd1978 Posted July 7, 2004 Author Posted July 7, 2004 she is 24 ,, i am 25,,,,, now the question is can i spend the rest of my life with her,, i honestly dont know ,, but i do know i never gave it my all,, so i wont honeslty ever know if we dont try again.... I think we def bolth needed a wake up call.... and we bolth def need this break to make things stronger..... i understand im her "SAFE" person but she needs a reality check,,, if she wants to go sleep and fool around with other people,, then she cant expect me to just be there for her,, if she is close enough to someone else that she is banging them ,, then she can talk to that person about stuff.... now i rarely ever asked her to hang out and do stuff,, it was always that she was the 1 to ask me to hang out do stuff,, and alot of the times i didnt go do the fun stuff,,, im ready to committ to her now,, or at least give it that shot and say it didnt work and we bolth tried are best,,,,, you think i should be the 1 asking her to dinner?? or should i let her ask me to hang out again ,, or wait till she says she is bored and say well lets do something,, what do you think? part of me wants to gradually go into it just hanging out little by little ,, but then again its not like i just met this girl...... if im going to give true feelings to her then i need to have some security behind it,, and maybe talking will be good,, it has been over 2 months I have 1 more issue her,,, ok well her sister is getting married in a couple of weeks,, ok and im going to assume she has asked someone sles already? but i could be wrong,, we were arguing about the time my sister got married and i didnt ask her untill like a week before,, but im going to think the worst and say she asked this other kid?? .. but if so why in the hell is she writing me sooooooo much i guess i need to find out huh?
Varacha Posted July 7, 2004 Posted July 7, 2004 Well at least you know what you want, which way better then most males our age. f you really want to give it a go and see if she is the one for you I'd call her up and say are you free on such and such a day and if so would you like to go out for dinner with me. Since she's always asking you, when you ask her she'll be surprised which is always a good thing. Also take her some place you guys used to go to. As for the being comfortable to tell this new guy her thoughts feelings etc..just because she's sleeping with her doesn't mean she trusts him enough with er problems. I mean with on of my ex's and me after we split the next guy I started seeing was around for some major issues with my family work and friends, I wasn't comfortable telling this guy my problems, I was sleeping with him but I couldn't talk to him, So I did call the ex why? cause he knew most of what was going n before hand and knew me better than anyone. As for the wedding she might not be taking anyone, cause being in the wedding party she might not have the time to have a date there and might just stick with the wedding party, but you could always casually mention it the next time you talk to her, casually bring the wedding up and make a joke about dates of people in the wedding party not always knowing the people they are sitting with. I'm sure at that point she'll either say whose she's taking or say what date. As for the writing, calling, text messaging you, some habits die hard, plus she might have reached the same conclusion you have she wasn't ready before but she is now, and doesn't know how to tell you. So she's calling and trying to get you to come out because she misses spending time with you, and in away is trying to see if that "spark" is still there between you.
Author rd1978 Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 After 5 years im hoping she is contacting me because she might want to work things out ,, and not because of a habit.... {1}Why is she instant messaging me so much?{2} she said she couldnt be my friend because it would be to hard but she instant messages me quite often and calls me occasionally,, {3} last weeks she indirectly tried to ask me to hang out 2 times,,,,, when we talk she complements me... --- im hoping these things are happening for the right reasons and not because of her insecurities,, i know for a fact if she is feeling the same way as me now,, im 99.5%sure she wouldnt tell me or show me any affection right away ,, for fear of rejection,, {such as im doing} i suppose i could bite the bullet and suprise her by asking her to dinner,,, BUT i also dont want o put all the hard work down the drain of keeping my distance,, BUT then again i also have to show her im willing to try,, and i want to put in an effort,, id really like for her to ask me to do something,,DAMN i had the perfect oppertunity last week when she kept saying she was bored.......actually she has basically asked me to hang out 3 times the week before that on a fri night she kept asking what i was doing and if i was going out or not because she didnt feel like going out.....I told her i had plans... my fear is asking her and being like i am with someone else,, but w/t/f why would she be asking me to do other things if she really liked this other kid so much ,, or if she was with him????
Varacha Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 Well from the girls point of view it is really hard to be friends with the man you love after you break up. I believe she IM's you and calls because she does want to see you and see if there is anything there worth saving. And with the being bored bit I know with the guy I just started seeing we'd call and still do call each other and just say I'm bored, and it's a open invite to chill if other person isn't busy.
Author rd1978 Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 well i guess ill just have to see what happens,, i fig if i dont talk to her tonight,, online,, im going to sign on ,, so hopefull she will write, as long as she is around,, im thinking she has to be missing me,, i dont think we would talk to the extent we do if she just wanted to make sure i was "still around" the whole "friends" thing just didnt make much sense,, she said she couldnt be my friend because she wouldn't be able to handle it,,, and she wanted to know if thats what i wanted was to be friends? I honestly figured since she was calling so much thats what she wanted,,, she is really starting to mess with my head... i mean i really cant even tell you how much she really loved me ,, even though i didnt give it back 100% But i dont know what she wants ,, just because she misses me to the point of contacting me as much as she is,, doesnt mean she is going to stop talking to the other "guy" ..... And you know,, what for all i know there is no other guy or her feeling's for him arent as she thaught,, But since he keeps asking i dont see her saying "no" esp since she isnt getting much of a response from me..... But since the very begining she was still contacting me ,,and the second i refused to talk to her she went nuts went out all the time and was seen with him quite often,,, at the bars.....,, guess ill just have to ask or let things be the way they are... or just say screw it ... thanks for the help ill let you know what happens
Varacha Posted July 8, 2004 Posted July 8, 2004 whose to say she wouldn't stop talking to this guy? I wish you the best of luck
Author rd1978 Posted July 8, 2004 Author Posted July 8, 2004 ok well i figured id fill you in,, she asked what i did on the 4th and i told her i went to my friend house for his birthday and to this girl's house that used to like me,, because she had a party,, now she lives with her boyfriend,,,,, and my ex knows that but she also knows when we were havning problems we were talking a little at 1 point in time,,,,, so anyway she was like yeah i bet you go there all the time,, { so i was a wise ass back} and said yeah only when her boyfriend isnt home,, and then i do her on the kitchen table,,, and she was like to bad she is {ugly"} and i said isnt it funny how everyone is ugly... and she is like yeah it is.. then said she had to go eat..... and not even 2 minutes she was back again..... saying she was done then she said she was taking a shower... she is redicuilous i fell bad for the person she marries and i wish i could get over her,, she isnt playing with a full deck
Varacha Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 I'm sorry hon, thats not right, I'm sorry to hear she's done this. I'll assume you've decided you don't want to pursue anything. If thats the case perhaps you should block her on your IM and let the machine pick up the calls.
Author rd1978 Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 well actually i know what she says or does is out of pure jeliousy and insecurities,,, she is very insecure and shows it by acting like a bitch,,, ive had many complications from this over the past 5 years,, {but then again i didnt always comfort her ,, because i thaught she was being a whinny nagging girl} my problem is in what the hell she is looking for when she is contacting me,, if i could only tell you how attached this girl was to me and how she doesnt trust other people,,,,,, so ive come to a decision,, if im going to stop talking to her im might as well sit down and have a talk with her and tell her how i feel,, { she has no clue ive been neutral acting since we broke up} and tell her i want a future with her and if she isnt interested then i and completly moving out of her life ,, and there has to be no contact and she cannot call me because i cant be there for her ,,, because like she said she couldnt handle being friends,,,, and i know i cant either ,, its just comforting to talk to her..... I just dont want to ruin the power she has given me ,, BUT im so sick of this crap i dont want to play games ,, ive told her this from the begining ,, i think i know how she really feels but i dont know if she will act on her feelings untill she feels like she is loosing me for good,, she is trying to hard to be tough and stron and doesnt want to fall back into into thats going to go sour again,,,,,
Varacha Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 The power she gave to you?? It seems like a very complicated very frustrating game right now telling her she might lose you forever so she'll come running back to you? I'm not sure I totally understand the logic on this one
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