Ducky23 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 What is this, you guys?! What is this emotional rollercoaster?? Whose idea was it for NC? Who the HE11 thought it was a good idea to kill this A?! Okay. It was me. BUT WHY DOES IT HURT?! I was so mad a few days ago and now I just want to cry! My nightmares are back, and I'm starting to recede back into the agoraphobia that kept me indoors over a year ago. WHY?! I'm too scared to call the therapist. And I know that's stupid. I know there's no reason for it. Guys flirt with me when I go to work/go shopping/stop for food/ect... Why is it so hard to flirt back? Why do I still feel like I'm betraying MM?! I've done so good with NC. I've actively worked toward fixing the relationship between me and my sons' dad. I've put the effort to go out of my way to do things for him, to talk to him, to spend time with him.. So WHY do I keep looking at my phone expecting a text from MM? I don't know.. Why does love have to hurt? Why do I love him one day and hate him the next? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy?? IS THIS NORMAL? I'm so lost...
2sunny Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 What is this, you guys?! What is this emotional rollercoaster?? Whose idea was it for NC? Who the HE11 thought it was a good idea to kill this A?! Okay. It was me. BUT WHY DOES IT HURT?! I was so mad a few days ago and now I just want to cry! My nightmares are back, and I'm starting to recede back into the agoraphobia that kept me indoors over a year ago. WHY?! I'm too scared to call the therapist. And I know that's stupid. I know there's no reason for it. Guys flirt with me when I go to work/go shopping/stop for food/ect... Why is it so hard to flirt back? Why do I still feel like I'm betraying MM?! I've done so good with NC. I've actively worked toward fixing the relationship between me and my sons' dad. I've put the effort to go out of my way to do things for him, to talk to him, to spend time with him.. So WHY do I keep looking at my phone expecting a text from MM? I don't know.. Why does love have to hurt? Why do I love him one day and hate him the next? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy?? IS THIS NORMAL? I'm so lost... All normal. Think of it the same as withdrawals from a drug addiction... Same feelings - same process to get past this worst phase. Be kind to yourself. Stay busy - yes, get out and do things! Art therapy and journal ing helps. Call or text the herapist.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Kicking drugs was way worse than this, I promise. I just.. I don't know. I became a person unrecognizable to myself throughout the duration of the A. I killed my morals to do what I thought would make me happy in the long run. And it's killing me. Maybe I'm so full of shame.. I believe that everyone else can see the bad things I've done. I don't know. I don't know.. I hate that. I hate that I don't understand. Emotions are not normal things for me, and this is becoming almost too much for me. I did not pick my son up today, and instead asked his Godmother to keep him overnight. I have been having so many nightmares, I'm not sleeping.. I can't move but to go outside and smoke a cigarette. And even then it's hard to get up to go back inside. I feel like an empty shell, like a worthless pile of flesh and bone. I don't know what to do with myself..
MissBee Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Real love doesn't hurt.I strongly believe that. But it does hurt to detach from a relationship and that process is indeed a roller coaster. I hated having an up day, an up hour or even an up month, then come crashing down with unexpected feelings of pain, anger, sadness, loneliness etc. I'm not sure if there was anything I could have done to make it not so...but the good news is you do eventually get to a place of equilibrium I definitely know the feeling of checking the phone/email etc...but sometimes I'd actually just turn my phone off or put it out of sight and dedicate myself to reading a book, watching a movie, hanging out with friends, doing some other task that took my mind off the constant desire to check or to reach out. I also realized that the intense feelings would come in waves and waiting them out versus acting on impulse to reach out helped. Usually if I slept on a feeling to call/text, the next morning I had no such desire and was glad I didn't do it. It is normal...every last feeling. You can feel very looney and restless during this time, but you're not crazy. You just kinda have to feel the feelings, accept them and focus on other goals and activities and take it day by day.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Real love doesn't hurt.I strongly believe that. But it does hurt to detach from a relationship and that process is indeed a roller coaster. I hated having an up day, an up hour or even an up month, then come crashing down with unexpected feelings of pain, anger, sadness, loneliness etc. I'm not sure if there was anything I could have done to make it not so...but the good news is you do eventually get to a place of equilibrium I definitely know the feeling of checking the phone/email etc...but sometimes I'd actually just turn my phone off or put it out of sight and dedicate myself to reading a book, watching a movie, hanging out with friends, doing some other task that took my mind off the constant desire to check or to reach out. I also realized that the intense feelings would come in waves and waiting them out versus acting on impulse to reach out helped. Usually if I slept on a feeling to call/text, the next morning I had no such desire and was glad I didn't do it. It is normal...every last feeling. You can feel very looney and restless during this time, but you're not crazy. You just kinda have to feel the feelings, accept them and focus on other goals and activities and take it day by day. MissBee.. You are a constant source of inspiration to me. And I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart. I have had a couple of days where the emotions weren't so intense. But I'm sitting here on my own, it's almost 11pm, I've been alone for 6 hours. And I have done nothing except mow the lawn. I don't have the energy I need to do anything else. I thought about reading a book, but then my mind will wander. I'm scared of sleeping at this point, so of course that's not in the plans any time soon. The holiday is tomorrow and I'm dreading that as well. Maybe because I have soooo many other things going on at the same time it makes it harder. I don't know what to feel, or what to think or how to act. I wake with nightmares and I reach for my phone.. He was the one I always told about them. Now I just sit and stare at it. What am I supposed to do? I can't even write. This is my writing. This has taken the place of my journal. I'm barely a week and a half out of it.. I'm waiting for a call from the doctor. I'm waiting for him to tell me I have cancer. I'm waiting for the ultrasound. For them to have to do surgery. I know, logically, that these are the worst possible outcomes and that probably I'll get hormones and maybe another biopsy. But I have not told anyone else about these fears. I don't know how. I told him all of it. He would hold me and he would fix it, he would make the bad thoughts go away and he could always make me smile. These are habits I don't know yet how to break. Opening up is hard. Admitting fears is horrible. I do not feel safe laying them in the hands of a person I'm close to and can therefore use them to hurt me.. This is why I'm not close to people. They can and will hurt you. I need to not be afraid. I need to be able to let go. But I don't know how. How do you distract your brain when it only wants to go from one bad subject to another? When there aren't many good things for it to hold onto?
twinsmom Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Ducky, Seems like you've just begun the process..Like I've told people on here before, it took me a good 3-4 years to get my MM out of my mind. I've now finally accomplished that, but it did take that amount of time. I shudder to tell you that it might take you that long, but it might very well. Keep plugging along is all I can say. Don't give in to temptation because nothing will change. Talking to him will not change the outcome. If he's like my MM, he's perfectly comfortable with the status quo. My only advice, as someone who has been there, is to move on..Sorry.. 1
MissBee Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) MissBee.. You are a constant source of inspiration to me. And I thank you for it from the bottom of my heart. I have had a couple of days where the emotions weren't so intense. But I'm sitting here on my own, it's almost 11pm, I've been alone for 6 hours. And I have done nothing except mow the lawn. I don't have the energy I need to do anything else. I thought about reading a book, but then my mind will wander. I'm scared of sleeping at this point, so of course that's not in the plans any time soon. The holiday is tomorrow and I'm dreading that as well. Maybe because I have soooo many other things going on at the same time it makes it harder. I don't know what to feel, or what to think or how to act. I wake with nightmares and I reach for my phone.. He was the one I always told about them. Now I just sit and stare at it. What am I supposed to do? I can't even write. This is my writing. This has taken the place of my journal. I'm barely a week and a half out of it.. I'm waiting for a call from the doctor. I'm waiting for him to tell me I have cancer. I'm waiting for the ultrasound. For them to have to do surgery. I know, logically, that these are the worst possible outcomes and that probably I'll get hormones and maybe another biopsy. But I have not told anyone else about these fears. I don't know how. I told him all of it. He would hold me and he would fix it, he would make the bad thoughts go away and he could always make me smile. These are habits I don't know yet how to break. Opening up is hard. Admitting fears is horrible. I do not feel safe laying them in the hands of a person I'm close to and can therefore use them to hurt me.. This is why I'm not close to people. They can and will hurt you. I need to not be afraid. I need to be able to let go. But I don't know how. How do you distract your brain when it only wants to go from one bad subject to another? When there aren't many good things for it to hold onto? You're more than welcome You sound like you have lots of anxiety and catastrophic thoughts cycling through your mind...and once you hop on that crazy train it is super difficult to get off. I know the feeling of thinking of worse case scenarios and running myself into the ground with those thoughts. I've learned that 99% of the time, NONE of the worse case scenarios came to pass and I simply stressed myself out for no reason. It's good that you're using LS as your sounding board. Question: before MM what did you do? You say there aren't many good things...but what good things ARE there? Maybe when you have nightmares and you wake up OR when you have bad thoughts, you can write down the good things. Are your kids a good thing? Sunrises? Ice-cream? There has to be at least 10 things in your life you're happy about and you enjoy...even tiny things. I think focusing on what you do like and are grateful for is better than focusing on what you don't have or horrible things that haven't even come to pass. I do hope your results come back okay, and I think you should think positively in that regard, as whether you think badly or not won't change the results, so why worry and think horribly before you know? I know it is difficult to open up and trust but there are people you can trust and a goal is to build those healthy friendships/relationships versus investing in one that isn't good. I also think you should speak to your therapist more, and if you don't feel comfortable or like it doesn't help, maybe you should find a new one? Edited July 4, 2012 by MissBee
Author Ducky23 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 You're more than welcome You sound like you have lots of anxiety and catastrophic thoughts cycling through your mind...and once you hop on that crazy train it is super difficult to get off. I know the feeling of thinking of worse case scenarios and running myself into the ground with those thoughts. I've learned that 99% of the time, NONE of the worse case scenarios came to pass and I simply stressed myself out for no reason. It's good that you're using LS as your sounding board. Question: before MM what did you do? You say there aren't many good things...but what good things ARE there? Maybe when you have nightmares and you wake up OR when you have bad thoughts, you can write down the good things. Are your kids a good thing? Sunrises? Ice-cream? There has to be at least 10 things in your life you're happy about and you enjoy...even tiny things. I think focusing on what you do like and are grateful for is better than focusing on what you don't have or horrible things that haven't even come to pass. I do hope your results come back okay, and I think you should think positively in that regard, as whether you think badly or not won't change the results, so why worry and think horribly before you know? I know it is difficult to open up and trust but there are people you can trust and a goal is to build those healthy friendships/relationships versus investing in one that isn't good. I also think you should speak to your therapist more, and if you don't feel comfortable or like it doesn't help, maybe you should find a new one? Before MM.. Was my son's dad. Severe postpartum depression. Drinking all the time. My son's dad did everything for me. I wasn't fully functional. There were days when I COULDN'T pull myself out of bed. He took care of me and my kids. Before that, I've always been very involved with my volunteer work. I worked full-time 12-hour graveyard shifts and spent as much time during the day with my kids as possible. Before that, was the relationship that broke me. That man was kin to the devil. I stayed with him for over 2 years. He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He stripped me down to nothing and kept on going. Everything I loved was taken by him. Before that.. I used to paint. I used to draw. I used to read and write and walk and watch the sunset.. I had my own home, I was buying it, my marriage was rocky we were reconciling after my H affair.. I haven't always been this way. I was never truly happy and I have always fought the nightmares and the memories of the abuse.. But I've been stable. Before my PPD in 2010, I'd never been so low. Now I feel myself sliding back. Like the only thing that made me better was MM. And that's horrible, but he really did make me happy. He taught me what it was to love and to trust again.. I don't know about good things.. My kids are good. My kids are the best thing in the whole entire world. I don't want them to see me hurt like this. I don't want them to see me struggle to get through each day. It's not fair for them. I love my job. I used to wake up every day excited to go to work, to see what the day had in store. Today it was hard to push myself into one store and finish a 15-minute project. I was looking at my schedule and I can push everything out for the next few weeks, and I know if I do it will create chaos, making me hustle to finish everything on time. But I'm truly tempted to take the rest of this week off. I'm scared again. I'm scared to call my therapist. I'm scared to go to the store. I'm scared.. of everything. Like I was before. I don't want this. I think the A was a bandaid. Holding the wound closed and protected but not healing it. I need healing..
MissBee Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Before MM.. Was my son's dad. Severe postpartum depression. Drinking all the time. My son's dad did everything for me. I wasn't fully functional. There were days when I COULDN'T pull myself out of bed. He took care of me and my kids. Before that, I've always been very involved with my volunteer work. I worked full-time 12-hour graveyard shifts and spent as much time during the day with my kids as possible. Before that, was the relationship that broke me. That man was kin to the devil. I stayed with him for over 2 years. He was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. He stripped me down to nothing and kept on going. Everything I loved was taken by him. Before that.. I used to paint. I used to draw. I used to read and write and walk and watch the sunset.. I had my own home, I was buying it, my marriage was rocky we were reconciling after my H affair.. I haven't always been this way. I was never truly happy and I have always fought the nightmares and the memories of the abuse.. But I've been stable. Before my PPD in 2010, I'd never been so low. Now I feel myself sliding back. Like the only thing that made me better was MM. And that's horrible, but he really did make me happy. He taught me what it was to love and to trust again.. I don't know about good things.. My kids are good. My kids are the best thing in the whole entire world. I don't want them to see me hurt like this. I don't want them to see me struggle to get through each day. It's not fair for them. I love my job. I used to wake up every day excited to go to work, to see what the day had in store. Today it was hard to push myself into one store and finish a 15-minute project. I was looking at my schedule and I can push everything out for the next few weeks, and I know if I do it will create chaos, making me hustle to finish everything on time. But I'm truly tempted to take the rest of this week off. I'm scared again. I'm scared to call my therapist. I'm scared to go to the store. I'm scared.. of everything. Like I was before. I don't want this. I think the A was a bandaid. Holding the wound closed and protected but not healing it. I need healing.. The bolded is so true though. There won't be an overnight solution to this but at least you are aware and at least you want to be healed. Do you know why you're scared of calling your therapist? I've never been clinically depressed, so I cannot pretend to know what it is like. I'm not a huge fan of medications but maybe that is something that helps some people and may help you? I think what you're describing is a lot of things compounded and not merely the simple case of post breakup NC woes. The breakup is in addition and the surface layer to the healing you need from all the other stuff you went through and it's not just about you getting over MM. Getting over MM is easy in the grand scheme but the other stuff about you trusting, opening up, not being fearful and scared of everything, finding happiness and healing from your abuse are the real important issues that will take some time to heal. I do believe though that you can overcome it and you should check out any message boards specifically dealing with those types of depression/anxiety issues and how others have overcome them. That in conjunction with LS may help more. 1
Author Ducky23 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 I'm scared of calling the therapist for a few different reasons. Because.. When I was in therapy, I would say "this is what I'm dealing with. But it's okay. I'm coping." and then my therapist and I would sit and BS. I was never fully able to open up and be brutally honest and face the things I needed to. I don't think I ever said how bad it truly was. And going back into therapy feels like failure to me. I agree that losing MM is just another tissue to be thrown on the pile of ***** I'm dealing with. Losing him shouldn't be hard. But with him, I opened up. I never felt judged, I wasn't scared, I trusted him completely. He was my support group. He was my #1 fan. (Season ticket holder. Hopefully a life member. He said that to me.) and I didn't hold back from him. If I was having a rough day, I told him. If something excited me, I told him. He was my sounding board, my therapist, my best friend, and my lover. But I also know it was a fantasy. Now I'm back in the real world. And I hate it. I want to crawl back into that little cave of warmth and stay forever. But I can't.
twinsmom Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 My MM was my sounding board also. He was pretty much everything to me. But then he up and left, and I was left to do everything on my own. You're in an awful situation. I was, too. I'm a single mom, and he made everything easier for me. But then he was gone one day, and I was forced to face things without him here. He was simply gone. Gone forever. I, too, felt like lying in bed and doing nothing else. I too felt like not getting out of bed. But that would have accomplished nothing. Unless you're lying around waiting for your MM to come back to you, you have to go on living. You have two choices: lie around and wait for him to come back, when he probably won't, or get up and get going. It's tough. I finally decided that he was not worth suspending my life for. I finally realized that I wouldn't have wanted to spend my life with someone like him anyway. And when I realized that, the hard part was over. 1
ac11442 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Ducky, I had the same situation. My MM was my best friend. I thought about it when I was having a rather bad day "what would be different if we were still together?" It was still late, he wouldn't be here. I couldn't call him. But before I knew I would talk to him in the morning. Now I just had a bad day and...nothing. It's depressing. That being said it's necessary but hard. I'm still hating life for the most part, which is what led me here. I needed a place to vent. There's comfort in knowing there are sooooo many others either going through what I am or went through it and came out stronger on the other side. And I know it sounds cliche to say "you're better off without him" but, in the long run, you really are. If you had him 100% would you trust him? If he came home late one day would you worry about where he was? If he closed his laptop when you walked in the room would you wonder? Every time you saw him texting would you want to ask who it is? And if you didn't ask would it drive you crazy? It would me. And that's no way to live. These are all the things I remind myself of to keep from contacting him. I have to remind myself.
todreaminblue Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) What is this, you guys?! What is this emotional rollercoaster?? Whose idea was it for NC? Who the HE11 thought it was a good idea to kill this A?! Okay. It was me. BUT WHY DOES IT HURT?! I was so mad a few days ago and now I just want to cry! My nightmares are back, and I'm starting to recede back into the agoraphobia that kept me indoors over a year ago. WHY?! I'm too scared to call the therapist. And I know that's stupid. I know there's no reason for it. Guys flirt with me when I go to work/go shopping/stop for food/ect... Why is it so hard to flirt back? Why do I still feel like I'm betraying MM?! I've done so good with NC. I've actively worked toward fixing the relationship between me and my sons' dad. I've put the effort to go out of my way to do things for him, to talk to him, to spend time with him.. So WHY do I keep looking at my phone expecting a text from MM? I don't know.. Why does love have to hurt? Why do I love him one day and hate him the next? Why do I feel like I'm going crazy?? IS THIS NORMAL? I'm so lost... first off i hope you dont think I am stalking your posts.....i get paranoid if i reply to two threads written by one person....they think I am stalking them..and think oh no she is following me...dont know why i think that....ill hash it out with my shrink at a later date.....this is for you Ducky hope it gives you peace of mind....... when you give love deeply, it cuts deep when its over, cant change that nor would you want to ....it is part of who you are.... nightmares are your subconscious handing you a broom and saying theres something messy you are avoiding sweeping away.....please sweep so i can stop holding the broom in your face i wanna go to bed and give you the silk sheets instead..... aggrophobia is helping you feel frustrated and alone.....it feeds off your inability to sweep chuckling away ha ha sucked in i can keep you inside longer.....feed me more......i love having you trapped you feed me all the time kick its ass see your therapist...... if your car is sick you see a mechanic and you take the car to the mechanic you trust to do a good job......you are more important than your car and your therapist(whom you trust) wants you to be better.....so spill your guts .....and i mean all of them.....complete oil change and detailing for ducky..... you cant flirt because you are still running without a wheel alignment.....you would do it for your car..so treat yourself to a wheel alignment..you are more important than your car.....the world needs your input....you have places to run amok in....mischief to create.....people to love....lives to make a difference in.....the car can sit at home not polluting the atmosphere because your aggrophobia has faded and you are cycling a new world record because life is too short to sit waiting at the traffic lights for it to go green.....you are not betraying anyone by moving on you are getting what you deserve out of life......because you fight you spill your guts and you bo7unce back when life knocks you down......you are not crazy.....you are you.....you feel you think you get knocked down and you have bad days.....done beat yourself up save the punches for pillows punching bags and well worn boxing gloves....and anyone who tries to put you down.....knock them out.....with your inner strength...you have been in many battles and you have gotten up when people would pass out.....you can and will do it again.......you are not crazy......you are as normal as any one else but the difference is you can admit when you need to go back to school.....that you dont have all the answers but you will look for them.... you arent perfect never will be and you will always strive to be the best you can be......keep that chin ready you know how to take the hit.....front and centre......hope i helped even a little bit.....hugs to ya....cause you need a hug from an aussie who has kicked aggrophobias ass like you will....you can do it....and smile......deb Edited July 4, 2012 by todreaminblue dyslexic typing
EmptyHeartGirl Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Kicking drugs was way worse than this, I promise. I just.. I don't know. I became a person unrecognizable to myself throughout the duration of the A. I killed my morals to do what I thought would make me happy in the long run. And it's killing me. Maybe I'm so full of shame.. I believe that everyone else can see the bad things I've done. I don't know. I don't know.. I hate that. I hate that I don't understand. Emotions are not normal things for me, and this is becoming almost too much for me. I did not pick my son up today, and instead asked his Godmother to keep him overnight. I have been having so many nightmares, I'm not sleeping.. I can't move but to go outside and smoke a cigarette. And even then it's hard to get up to go back inside. I feel like an empty shell, like a worthless pile of flesh and bone. I don't know what to do with myself.. Hi D23, Your post brought back so many memories when I first broke things off with exMM. Believe it or not it will get better, but you have to get out and do things to distract yourself. Staying in the house will only make it worse because you will have time to just stew on him and the good times. I would also suggest finding another therapist, I have gone through 7 therapists over 10 years, including a hypnotherapist. I am currently looking for a new therapist now since I can't afford the hypnotherapist any longer. Most times you will need to see a few different ones until you find one you feel comfortable with. I was also someone who made my exMM the center of my world. He was my confidante, and best friend (or so I thought). The problem with allowing someone to have that much control and influence over us is we think that we will never find it again. This NOT true, even if it feels like that now. Do you have friends or family? I really suggest you getting out, maybe a movie matinee (I love these, you don;t have to worry about a lot of couples), is there a cause you believe in? maybe think about volunteering, this is great because your focus is on others and not yourself. If all else fails, you have this site, it has definitely helped me. Have you read the stories on the infidelity board? It may help put things in perspective hearing how these affairs play out from the other side as well. I won't lie the pain will take time to go away, and it will be very gradual. I am still hurting, but my pain is not nearly as intense as it was a year ago, but you will make it as long as you focus on staying away from this bad relationship. Good Luck!
BetrayedH Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Ducky, Remember to work on mental NC. You claimed you weren't obsessing but I think your recent posts show otherwise. Whenever you begin thinking through these old negative cycles, put up a mental stop sign in your brain and commit to focusing on something else. The last thing you need is time off from work. Dive into it. You need to find a positive in things and you need to make a bunch of consecutive correct decisions to start to redevelop your sense of self-worth. Slacking off just fuels the depression. You also need to start forcing yourself to look to the future and what steps (small ones perhaps) that will move you toward your future goals. Stop staying focused on the past and the fantasy bandaid. You know that's all it was. The OM enjoyed how he had it and obviously has no problem leaving you in the dust. He's a freaking jerkoff if you ask me and if he cared for you, he would take down heaven and earth to be with you. Quit fantasizing about him. Look forward to a healthy relationship. I also suspect that your efforts with your family have had positive impacts and that they are glad to have mom back. YOU are in control of your thoughts. You know the negative patterns and you know when they are coming. Refuse to entertain those thoughts and instead focus on actions that will take you in the right direction. BTW, there's no shame in therapy. Your situation and disorders merit it. Use those resources (again) to move in the right direction. Good luck. You have made a good and correct decision repeatedly about NC. Take some pride in that and keep making correct decisions. It will not happen suddenly but after 6 months or so, you'll start to notice a pride and confidence in yourself and your ability to make good decisions. That's what will matter.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Todreaminblue.. Don't worry about me wondering whether or not you're stalking me. I actually enjoy hearing from some of the same people because it makes me feel better to have a history to draw from when speaking to them. And it allows me to decide whether or not I like that person enough to take what they're saying into consideration. Also, thanks for the car analogy. I hadn't actually thought of putting it in those terms until you said so. It does make it easier to think of that way. BetrayedH.. Mental NC sucks. Quite simply. My biggest problem is controlling my thoughts. During the day it's easier to distract my mind. I've mostly stopped checking my phone and have even learned to turn it off at times so I'm not tempted to stare at it. (Thanks MissBee for reminding me that was a possibility) My biggest issue is at night. Especially if I'm alone. I'm terrified of sleeping and will do literally ANYTHING until I'm too exhausted to stay up any longer. If I lay down to sleep, or if there is nothing going on, if it's quiet, if I'm not distracted.. That's when the thoughts come. This last week and a half have wreaked havoc on my sleep. If I lay down because I'm tired, my brain just GOES, and it doesn't stop. I'm a Buddhist and I've lost my motivation to practice. I had a relationship that stripped me of everything, including my daily prayers, and I've yet to find my way back. But I learned that by chanting and mentally "sweeping" a clear spot in my mind helps a lot. When I start drifting off to sleep, the clutter tries coming back. So I have to "sweep" again. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes it's completely an emotional response, where the emotions take over and my body follows, along with my mind, and I stop caring to push it out. I think that it's not so much the loss of the relationship that bothers me as it is the loss of the person. MM and I had times where we were nothing but friends, with no intimacy or lovey stuff. Just us having fun and hanging out. I miss that part. I don't know how to face our mutual friends because I can't mention us not talking or the distance that's there. They haven't figured it out yet because it's not uncommon for us to go a couple weeks without seeing each other. Some subjects always bring him to mind. Sometimes I think "(This) is how (MM) told me to do it.." or "(MM)'s views are.." and it's an automatic response. I don't say it out loud. I keep those thoughts hidden. But it's still there. It's those little ones that get to me. If I think them more than once or twice a day, the night gets worse for me. And then I post here because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. And it helps me with NC. It's a reminder of why I ended it. Even if I'm not happy about it.
BetrayedH Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 Todreaminblue.. Don't worry about me wondering whether or not you're stalking me. I actually enjoy hearing from some of the same people because it makes me feel better to have a history to draw from when speaking to them. And it allows me to decide whether or not I like that person enough to take what they're saying into consideration. Also, thanks for the car analogy. I hadn't actually thought of putting it in those terms until you said so. It does make it easier to think of that way. BetrayedH.. Mental NC sucks. Quite simply. My biggest problem is controlling my thoughts. During the day it's easier to distract my mind. I've mostly stopped checking my phone and have even learned to turn it off at times so I'm not tempted to stare at it. (Thanks MissBee for reminding me that was a possibility) My biggest issue is at night. Especially if I'm alone. I'm terrified of sleeping and will do literally ANYTHING until I'm too exhausted to stay up any longer. If I lay down to sleep, or if there is nothing going on, if it's quiet, if I'm not distracted.. That's when the thoughts come. This last week and a half have wreaked havoc on my sleep. If I lay down because I'm tired, my brain just GOES, and it doesn't stop. I'm a Buddhist and I've lost my motivation to practice. I had a relationship that stripped me of everything, including my daily prayers, and I've yet to find my way back. But I learned that by chanting and mentally "sweeping" a clear spot in my mind helps a lot. When I start drifting off to sleep, the clutter tries coming back. So I have to "sweep" again. But it doesn't always work. Sometimes it's completely an emotional response, where the emotions take over and my body follows, along with my mind, and I stop caring to push it out. I think that it's not so much the loss of the relationship that bothers me as it is the loss of the person. MM and I had times where we were nothing but friends, with no intimacy or lovey stuff. Just us having fun and hanging out. I miss that part. I don't know how to face our mutual friends because I can't mention us not talking or the distance that's there. They haven't figured it out yet because it's not uncommon for us to go a couple weeks without seeing each other. Some subjects always bring him to mind. Sometimes I think "(This) is how (MM) told me to do it.." or "(MM)'s views are.." and it's an automatic response. I don't say it out loud. I keep those thoughts hidden. But it's still there. It's those little ones that get to me. If I think them more than once or twice a day, the night gets worse for me. And then I post here because I don't have anyone to talk to about it. And it helps me with NC. It's a reminder of why I ended it. Even if I'm not happy about it. Wish I could help more. When I discovered my wife's affair, hell, I couldn't sleep for months. It was the first thing I thought of in the morning (I'm awake - yep, this is my life - damn), I thought about it all day and I went to sleep thinking about it at night. I lost 25 lbs in the first month and 38 altogether. 14 months later, I'm still pretty well focused on it but I'm fully functional. I gained about 13 lbs back and I sleep fine. There's no miracle solution. But I do know that eventually had to stop going there (especially the depressive thoughts). It did nothing for me but keep me stuck there. I started moving forward.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Wish I could help more. When I discovered my wife's affair, hell, I couldn't sleep for months. It was the first thing I thought of in the morning (I'm awake - yep, this is my life - damn), I thought about it all day and I went to sleep thinking about it at night. I lost 25 lbs in the first month and 38 altogether. 14 months later, I'm still pretty well focused on it but I'm fully functional. I gained about 13 lbs back and I sleep fine. There's no miracle solution. But I do know that eventually had to stop going there (especially the depressive thoughts). It did nothing for me but keep me stuck there. I started moving forward. I suppose maybe if we had had a bad falling out, some huge fight, something that was seriously just THE LAST STRAW between us as people, instead of me simply not being happy because he was a MM.. it would probably be easier to let go. I think that it's because it was an amicable break, with me being unhappy and him finally understanding that.. That's why it's so hard. I know that he's not ready to leave the M because of how much he'll lose rightnow if he does. Yes, he cheated on W with me, we both seriously betrayed her trust, and neither of us was bothered by it. In the grand scheme of things, those should all be things that would make me stop and go "dude, no. Huh uh, not in a million years." but the reality is that I was so close to everything, saw their M firsthand and lived with it, saw how he treated her, how she treated him, it's hard for me to just let go because I know how happy we were. As his friend, it was his choice whether or not he left the marriage. I didn't push for it except when she would cry to me about insignificant crap that she wasn't willing to fix, or when he would have a bad day and tell me how much he wished he could just leave and be with me. I don't think I ever seriously believed in the future we dreamed up together, and I don't believe in fairytale endings to these situations. But I didn't want NC. that's the worst part. I would have been fine simply moving on and becoming only friends with him. His happiness was my main concern. I wanted him in my life, regardless of the relationship. Friends or lovers didn't matter to me. He agreed with that. But I was worried that LC would lead to a different dynamic, going from PA to EA. And that's not fair to me either. I feel cheated by circumstance. I'm mad at myself. For one, why would I allow it to go that far? And two, why let it bother me that much after so long that I couldn't continue the R as it were?
BetrayedH Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 I suppose maybe if we had had a bad falling out, some huge fight, something that was seriously just THE LAST STRAW between us as people, instead of me simply not being happy because he was a MM.. it would probably be easier to let go. I think that it's because it was an amicable break, with me being unhappy and him finally understanding that.. That's why it's so hard. I know that he's not ready to leave the M because of how much he'll lose rightnow if he does. Yes, he cheated on W with me, we both seriously betrayed her trust, and neither of us was bothered by it. In the grand scheme of things, those should all be things that would make me stop and go "dude, no. Huh uh, not in a million years." but the reality is that I was so close to everything, saw their M firsthand and lived with it, saw how he treated her, how she treated him, it's hard for me to just let go because I know how happy we were. As his friend, it was his choice whether or not he left the marriage. I didn't push for it except when she would cry to me about insignificant crap that she wasn't willing to fix, or when he would have a bad day and tell me how much he wished he could just leave and be with me. I don't think I ever seriously believed in the future we dreamed up together, and I don't believe in fairytale endings to these situations. But I didn't want NC. that's the worst part. I would have been fine simply moving on and becoming only friends with him. His happiness was my main concern. I wanted him in my life, regardless of the relationship. Friends or lovers didn't matter to me. He agreed with that. But I was worried that LC would lead to a different dynamic, going from PA to EA. And that's not fair to me either. I feel cheated by circumstance. I'm mad at myself. For one, why would I allow it to go that far? And two, why let it bother me that much after so long that I couldn't continue the R as it were? The reason you let it bother you so much is that you fo actually have a conscience underneath all of this mess. I think once you get so deep, you become functional and it starts to all seem normal. But it wasn't normal and it wasn't ok. Now you are extricating yourself from this mess. How did you let it get this far? Ducky, you have some deep-seated issues, many of which where you were victimized. This is where the professional therapy comes in. And no sitting and shooting the ***** this time. You don't want another version of this mess later.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 6, 2012 Author Posted July 6, 2012 The reason you let it bother you so much is that you fo actually have a conscience underneath all of this mess. I think once you get so deep, you become functional and it starts to all seem normal. But it wasn't normal and it wasn't ok. Now you are extricating yourself from this mess. How did you let it get this far? Ducky, you have some deep-seated issues, many of which where you were victimized. This is where the professional therapy comes in. And no sitting and shooting the ***** this time. You don't want another version of this mess later. I do have a conscience. I have always had a heart of gold and have given my all to help those in need. I volunteer my time to give the children in my community a safe place to have fun and make friends without the pressure of drugs, alcohol, gangs, ect., we donate to charity and we help a lot of families during the holidays. I've always been proud of the work I've done and when I was voted into a position with the Board of Directors, I was humbled and grateful. The position put me in direct line between the Board and the Actors. It gave me a huge responsibility to keep these children safe and happy. And I love it. That is who I am. Having been the victim my whole life has made me want only to protect the children and those in greatest need. I believe that the victimization that was done to me by those who were supposed to protect me has played a huge part in how I see and respond to adults and authority figures. Females specifically. I have done great harm to both sexes trying to "exact my justice" I suppose, for the wrongs done unto me as a child. And while I understand it's wrong, I have problems seeing them as I am. With emotions and wants and needs. I have focused always on giving and have been screwed over countless times by people taking advantage of what I'm willing to give. I have yet to learn to say no. I know that all of these things need to be addressed in therapy. And honestly, tonight as I was writing, I realized that I have not called my therapist yet because "the system" seems to always fail me. My whole life, it has worked against me. And I'm afraid that this will happen again. That I will not get better. My last therapist told me that "you're not crazy, you're just stuck in a rut." and my emotions became more and more stable. She would not push to speak of the issues I had that needed to work through, we would go out for a smoke break and spend our hour visiting. I thought because she thought I wasn't crazy that maybe I didn't need it. I think I feel as much that she failed me as I failed myself. And I'm afraid of that cycle repeating.
Author Ducky23 Posted July 7, 2012 Author Posted July 7, 2012 Ducky I think you attached to this man so much because your fear of relationships and commitments. Very normal for someone with your background and it's a struggle of mine also. You sabotaged yourself because in a crazy way it felt safe to you. You always knew you wouldn't want him long term and you knew that you couldn't have him so he fulfilled your wish to keep your distance in a screwed up way. Self sabotage! Please think about these aspects. Unfortunately I've already thought about that. And I know it's true. When MM and I started seeing each other, it didn't bother me that he was M because I wasn't looking for a real R, just a good time. I knew that I was excited to see him/hear from him/hang out with him, but I never expected it to go as long/far as it did. When he told me he loved me, I was blown away. I wasn't expecting nor hoping for it. I didn't know how to react and just said "Uhm..What??" It wasn't until after that I allowed myself to think that perhaps my "crush" had maybe gone beyond just those lustful feelings, and a month or so later I realized that I had begun to fall in love with him. He used to tell me "I wish I were an unemployed bum like (our mutual best friend) so I could spend all day every day with you like he does", and that he wished his wife would just go away so I could live with him and he could take care of me. I was unemployed at the time and living with my brother in my mom's house. I was an unemployed bum with no immediate plans of finding work. I was just in therapy and trying to get better. I never told my therapist about MM because I knew that it was Taboo, and wrong, and she would simply look at me and say "Oh, but if it makes you happy right now and you don't get too involved, go ahead." A lot of his friends (not knowing about the A AT ALL) have told me "I think (MM) loves you. You guys are a great match." and "You have found a wonderful partner in your life with (MM), it's too bad he's married." There are a lot of them who would have liked to have seen us end up together, even those who were also friends with W. I suppose I let it all go to my head. I started thinking that "YES! He is wonderful! Look at how much time he spends with me. The things we do together. He even cancels plans and moves things around on his schedule to spend time with me!" And I let it go to my heart. I think on some level that I knew it was destined to fail. But I'm more able to see it now than I was then. I've always seemed to sabotage my relationships, self-sabotage pro that I am. He was too perfect in my mind I think. And I was truly hoping that he would leave his W RIGHTNOW, I didn't want to have to wait. I am not normally a patient person, though I've learned more patience in the last year during the A than in my whole entire life before. Up there you said something about me not wanting him long term, and it probably sounds wrong, but even if I were not in love with him, I would have been more than happy and content to spend my life with him. We made a wonderful partnership. We rarely, if ever, disagreed. And we never fought. We talked through our issues. That made the biggest difference to me. It was the realization that I DID want him long term and couldn't have it that made me step out and decide to end the A.
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