jw32802 Posted July 5, 2004 Posted July 5, 2004 What are the chances that my boyfriend fell in love with his new girl? We were together for 2 years and we bonded like neither of us have bonded before...we had the same views on most things, we had fun talkinga bout things, we would actually sit up till 5am talking at the kitchen table and debating politics, or views on marriage, raising kids, men and women...he said no one else talks like we do. well i think he has schizophrenia or else deep depression, he is one of those guys who is supersmart, genius type; and he was thrown into a school for geniuses when he was so young and it seemed to really mess him up....and the genius in him drives him crazy sometimes, he said he has thoughts just go thru his head, like obsessive compulsive and its so hard for him to get close to anyone; hes afraid they will leave him. i stood by his side but he always accused me of trying to hard to help and he even said "you should stand up for yourself and not stand by me when i shut you out".......i thought i was just loving him. anyway, he didnt tell me about this schizophrenia thing till a year or so into it....and he regretted it....he has insomnia, would sleep on the couch etc. anyway, i would get so upset because i thought he was shutting me out. well i broke it off around march and he still texted me and called me every other night telling me he missed me and loved me. but he now drinks too much and i felt like that was the only time he called me. i broke it off and told him i was going to date until he changed or got help. i didnt date but he thought i was and even though he still called me, i acted like i was happy....inside it killed me and i missed him so much. it turned out we would talk less and sometimes a week would go by and then other times 2 weeks (it never goes more than 2 weeks becasue he always contacts me . so anyway ,i saw him on a thursday night. He found out that I am moving to california because i got a job offer to teach dance; what i have always wanted! i am leaving on monday for a month and then if i like it enough, i am moving there for good. well when i got to this bar that me and my friends go to, it was supposed to be my last night out before i left, and across the room i saw him. he knew i was going to be there. it looked like he was there with a bunch of people and there were like 4 girls talking to him and his friend. it was hard to see that because i missed talking to him and to see all these girls hurt. anyway my friend laura kept saying "oh god, he just keeps staring over here at you" i went up for drinks and then he went up for drinks on the other side of the bar. he looked at me and we kinda nodded at each other,. then i walked back to my friend. after awhile i SWORE i saw some girl kissing him, but im not POSITIVE. all i saw was her hand on his neck and my friend was like "i didnt see anything". but i didnt know if it was the angle i was at, i swore i saw something close happen but i dont know. it tore my heart out right then and there. I never felt the pain that i felt right then and there. it was horrible. i said "i cant stand here, lets go out side" so we went outside. after about 5 minutes brian and his friend kenny and kennys girlfriend came outside and came up to us. everyone started talking about me and moving to california and how great it is there, etc etc. Brian came to my side and said "i wish you luck kid". but then he was like "i cant believe you are leaving me. I said "why" he said " i guess i always thought i would grow up and we'd get back together, i never thought you'd be gone". i said "well i cant do this anymore, im sorry". then he said "come here" and pulled me aside and just hugged me really hard and just held me for like 2 minutes. he said " i just want to say good bye, ill never see you again". then he said "see ya's" and his friend said "you're leaving?" and he said "yeah" . Then like 5 people stared at me and his best friend said "I have never seen brian look so upset in my life" . and then his friends girlfriend said "Oh my god he is so upset, i never saw him like that, like a sad puppy dog". But his friend said "Girl, you have the upper hand right now; if you called him up from canada he would drive there to pick you up, you have that upper hand, and you better keep it". i said "what?" he said "im just saying". after about 1/2 hour, brian came back w/ his friend terry and everyone was like "i thought you left" . he came up to me and just kept talking to me, he hung on me all night.....kept telling me he couldnt believe i was leaving. kept talking to me, kept staring at me. At one point i had to go to the bathroom and he said "wait" and followed me to the bathroom. When i got to the point where i would go one way to the womens and he would go to the mans , he grabbed me and turned me around and just held me. I said "i cant" and he said "this is the last time im going to see you, just let me hold you" and then he kept kissing me but i kept pulling away. He said "you're going to have a great life, you'll meet someone, and ill be here all alone, i wont meet anyone like you". he kept holding me and holding me and was like "this feels so good" , "this feels so good" over and over. I kinda acted a little distant , didnt hold him as tight as he held me, when he kept kissing me i kept saying "i cant'. he said "i know" and then i went to the bathroom. i went back outside and he just kept talking to me, and then i said (which i shouldnt have), brian you have a new girlfriend, i saw you out there hooking up with her> he said "i dont have a new girlfriend". i said "i saw you" he said "i don t know what you saw but i dont have a girlfriend". I said "we both saw you hooking up with her", and all he said was "well you saw what you saw but i dont have a girlfriend". i took this to mean he was kissing her and i just cant handle this. i feel like "if he loves me that much, why wouldnt he fight for me, if he loves me that much, why would he go and kiss someone else, and then look over at me. (if he did kiss her, im still not sure, all i saw was her hand on his neck) but hes not denying it! this kills me more than anything, its like I dont want to imagine the man i was with intimately for 2 years, and then imagine another girl doing those things to him, its impossible to think about. its like someone else is in my place and it is driving me insane! we had such a bond, like we were soul mates, and he told me that when he kissed me and made love to me while we were together he just felt so in love with me and that he never felt like that before. so when i saw this, it killed me! i ended up saying "i have to go brian" and he said "dont go!" and i walked out and he followed me aand said "please dont" and i said "You're a player" and then i left. He followed me out and walked behind me saying "jen". i just got in my car and drove away and he just stood there watching. And that was it. that was thursday night, its now saturday. I did text him yesterday and said that i was so hurt and that i cant ever be with him again after that and that instead of fighting for us, he just goes and finds a new girl. Now he used to tell me that he was so insecure with him self and when girls talked to him it boosted his ego, but he never really wanted them. i know that is true about alot of people and that didnt bother me. do you think he did this to hurt me? and where did this girl come from? its like he was there WITH her or something, but when he came outside it was like he ditched her so maybe he wasnt, i dont know. i would be fine right now with us not being together , but its this girl that just bugged me. even though i KNOW WITH ALL MY HEART that i am better for him than any girl, the thought of someone else kissing him rips my heart out. why does it hurt so bad. i have a knot in my stomach so bad. Anyway, i guess I feel like now its over forever and hes moving on. i feel like everything he said that night was just drunk emotions and that if he wanted me, he'd change. What should i do. i am leaving monday for a month. he is in texas for work till tuesday. I last texted him just saying id drop off all of his stuff and that i am just so hurt right now. He texted to say he was in texas for work till tuesday and that i could leave the stuff in his car at home. (I find out 2 days ago that he was in florida with a new girl meeting his DAD). ....on june 21 i get this text message after a week of no contact "I have been thinking about you all day. I hope youa re doing well. God i miss u". Does he mean that/ i didnt answer it at all, so the next night i get another text that says "**** off, i never likedyou to begin with i have a new girlfriend"...well i was really nice and called and said "i dont know what that was for, but theres nothing i can do about that, im sorry thatyou are so mad" well then he writes "i didnt write that, that girl i am dating did when she saw all your texts; dont worry, i wont be seeing that FREAK anymore". why would he write that if he's with her still? he texted and called me every single nght and then he cameout thurs night to where he know i was, because he said " i had to seeyou" and the whole night he was by my side and myfriends said he stared at me all night, he came over and said "i miss you" and " i thoughtyou were gone forever, i wantyou back" well stupidme goes to his house and when i wakeup i find pictures of the new girl hanging up and a card from her acting like they are in love.....he took her to see his whole familyalready and took her away to florida and they are in LBI this weekend. all he keeps saying is " I thought you were gone forever, i thought you moved to california, i didnt know you'd be back" but he seems to tell her the same things he told me. i actually called her and she said that they were going to get married, she said she put up the pictures and all......shes like "we;re in love, who areyou?" i feel so hurt right now, because all he does it text me every day saying "i still love you, and i cant move on, my friends ask me "what is it about jen? you could have any girl you want and you cant stop talking about jen" and he just says "i dont know i just love her so much". he texted me 3 nights ago saying "i still love you". and the one about "i have been thinkingabout you all day". he said "when i jer* off, all i do is think of you" but i know he is with this new girl? what isgoing on? i finally said to him after i saw pictures and talked to her, he called me and said "I cant believeyou called her, what did you say? I aid "I cant believeyou lied to me all this time, you say you want me back butyou're with this girl" and i said "i wish you luck but i am changing my number" and i changed it. Why did he do this to me? why would he take her to florida 2 times in 3 months and she met his family and his dad in florida and they goi away all the time, she said "are you jen? he said he only dated you once" i cant believe this i am dying in side. thurs night he kept calling saying "i need my cable box can you bring it over" and i did. he hugged me in the doorway and said "you look so good" then i left to go hang with my friends and 5 min later i get a call saying "i have to seeyou, i just have to see you" and he came there and stood by myside all night long, myfriends said he just started at me. he kept switching spots with people so he could stand next to me and hold my hand. he kept holding and hugging me saying "god i missyou" kissing me on the forehead. he had told me before that he was dating someone but i thought he said it to make me jealous. hes like "i want you back baby, i thought you were gone forever, theres no girl anymore, i want you back." if he tells me every day he loves me why wouldh e be with her? thats when i went to his house and we made love all night and he told me i was so beautiful and then i wake up to all of this (he had left for fishing though)....what do i do about this pain? do i call him and make closure (blocking number of course) , i changed mynumber and deleted my email account....do you guys think he is in love withme but needs her as a diversion; he always said that he is lonely. but why take her to meet his family when he didnt even introduce ME to his family because they are a bunch of rich snobs and he was embarrassed of how they might treat me. the new girl seems like she could be that type, like a girl who is out for money ya know? but i dont know, she might not be.... How could he jump so fast into this and introduce her to his family already? i am dying. so 2 days ago i left him a closure message on his voice mail saying "i cried for 2 days and now im ok, i know i was good and i wish you well with your new girl..i hope you work on your issues, and i will missyou but i wish youw ell etc etc". does he really love this new girl? he hangs out with her every day of the week and she even told me they talked about marriage; and that he cries to her in her arms, etc....this is stinging so bad. but at the same time, the night before he told me he wants me back and that he wants me forever? i know i cant contact him again, i changed my number and all, but its so hard to have dreams of a future w/ someone, ya know? and to think it was all a lie that he is telling her the same things he told me!! it breaks my heart. i am doing ok today, i know i am the best he will have; do they think of you though? do you think they compare ? this girl even told me on the phone~ "brian said you only dated a few times and that he wasnt even attracted to you, that he never liked you but that you were a sweet girl". i cant believe he'd say that!! i just don't believe it! thats not how he acted at ALL to me when we were together and in the last few days why would he be following me around? does he really love her? how long does it take before the newness wears off and he will be like "god i want jen back"
uriel Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Sounds like you fell hard for a cerebral guy who was-- and is-- emotionally unavailable. He may say he loves you, but he behaves in nonloving ways. He doesn't seem to be able to commit, to you, to her. He's not being honest with either of you. I'm going to tell you you should absolutely leave this guy and start your new life. I'm going to urge you to have no further contact with him. You'll save yourself much future pain by taking this advice. Of course, you're going to feel pain no matter what, because you love him and can't believe or count on him, because you'll miss him even though you know he's no good for you. That I know from personal experience. Please go read Steven Carter's Men Who Can't Love. Also, He's Scared, She's Scared. Your ex is exhibiting classic commitmentphobic behaviors, perhaps as a result of narcissistic personality disorder. No, it won't fix him or stop your heart from breaking. But it will give you some perspective on why he's been so intense now that he's afraid you're leaving and yet still can't commit to you. Take care, -- uriel
uriel Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 I feel badly that you are mixed up with a cp -- as I was. So heartbreaking, especially when it's associated with narcissistic personality disorder (not all cps have npd, but the hardcore ones tend to). The prognosis for that isn't good -- it's a lifelong state that actually warps emotional reality at a deep level. NPDs will suck the very soul out of you. Please read the books I recommended by Carter. They're a help. So too are the web materials posted by Sam Vanknin on Malignant Self-Love. It's a library on the subject really -- and quite accurate. This is a tough type of relationship to recover from. Get personal help where you are. I did a year of therapy. It was a necessary lifeline. And don't feel stupid. I have a psych degree, a doctorate, and a genius IQ. So what? Didn't save me one d**n bit. I often comfort myself with that Aaron Neville song: Everybody plays the fool...there's no exception to the rule.. -- uriel
Author jw32802 Posted July 6, 2004 Author Posted July 6, 2004 Ok but here is my question, what does a CP actually FEEL deep down? do they FEEL LOVE ? Does he LOVE me? But hes afraid to love me? I hate to think i was used and that he never loved me.. i hate to think that he jumped into it with a new girl and told her the same thing s he told me right in the beginning and that he loves her already after 3 mths. this kills me if he never even loved me at all.....does he still love me? he told me 3 days ago he wants me back and taht he thought i was gone, texts me to say "i have been thinking about you all day, god i miss u". does he love me or is this crap? i know i have to move on, but somewhere deep down i want to know he does love me
overseas2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Posted July 6, 2004 Why do women have such a hard time figuring out that (myself included) when I guy lets you go... lets you out of his life.... that it was not meant to be. Actions speak louder than words.... Anything less than stopping you from leaving or going with you to California is not what you need or want in a relationship. Dont let him around you anymore...
uriel Posted July 11, 2004 Posted July 11, 2004 Harcore CPs, those with NPD, don't feel love for you. They value you for the emotional nourishment (narcissistic supply) you provide. The more amazing you are, the more supply. However, eventually they devalue you and need other sources. They devalue you because deep down they think they're worthless -- so anyone who loves them is, too. They also view emotionality, including love, as a weakness. They more you say you are there for them (which you view as loyalty and strength), the more contempt and anxiety to flee or distance they feel. Once you're out of the picture, your guy needed to look for a new supply source. It might not be as good as you, but it's available when you aren't. He needs these sources to keep his self-esteem (and his grandiose external facade) afloat. New supply always has the advantage of not yet being devalued; it will be though -- give him time. So does he love YOU? Not in any way that's going to nourish you back. He values the supply you've fed him and he might even recognize it as a quality source. That's not quite love, as I came to find out. Love commits, responds, and cares. It doesn't charm, cajole, ignore, threaten abandonment, and then walk away without a second glance. -- uriel
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