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Posted

I posted this in another forum, no replies so thought I'd try here

 

Okay here goes. I am currently going through my second divorce in two years. Married first time for 10 years, we got married young and I had a drinking problem (since been to rehab and sober now) and things just fell apart. Second marriage was to a woman that I thought was truly someone I could spend the rest of my life with and I was not going to make the mistakes I made in first marriage. Ten months after being married I find out she was cheating on me with THREE different guys and most of the stuff she had told me was a lie. I kicked her out 3 months ago and am going through the same divorce crap. I feel so demoralized and worthless. I just feel like I'm in a deep dark hole and I don't know which way is up. Anyone that remembers being there and has now moved on?

Posted

Sorry that happened to you.

 

Hmmm 2 divorces in two years? It does even sound like you hand a long time to heal after your first divorce and get to really know your second wife before you married her.

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Posted

That is very true. We dated for about nine months before marrying.

Posted

Okay, so don't worry about moving on right now. You can't jump into something else. Focus on healing. Take time, a lot of time to get comfortable with yourself. See if any of the same patterns exist within both relationships. Process, heal.

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Posted
Okay, so don't worry about moving on right now. You can't jump into something else. Focus on healing. Take time, a lot of time to get comfortable with yourself. See if any of the same patterns exist within both relationships. Process, heal.

 

Agree. Heal first and take time to know YOURSELF first before jumping into another relationship.

Posted
I posted this in another forum, no replies so thought I'd try here

 

Okay here goes. I am currently going through my second divorce in two years. Married first time for 10 years, we got married young and I had a drinking problem (since been to rehab and sober now) and things just fell apart. Second marriage was to a woman that I thought was truly someone I could spend the rest of my life with and I was not going to make the mistakes I made in first marriage. Ten months after being married I find out she was cheating on me with THREE different guys and most of the stuff she had told me was a lie. I kicked her out 3 months ago and am going through the same divorce crap. I feel so demoralized and worthless. I just feel like I'm in a deep dark hole and I don't know which way is up. Anyone that remembers being there and has now moved on?

 

Your first marriage lasted a decade but an addiction is poison.....your addiction cost you the relationship in the end and you learnt from the mistakes you made enough to not want to repeat them....which you didnt in your second marriage so shows growth and commitment and self awareness on your part feel good about that.....dont ever feel bad about making a change for the better.....your second marriage the divorce is not your fault.....you were committed....she wasnt ....its her hole... she dug it....not you......its her cross to bear .....you are soon to be free and you can be positive you got out of a toxic relationship reasonably quickly so you can have the woman that is as committed as you are.....and spend more years with her now......and find happiness.....you caught a break.....you found out sooner rather than later....you wont regret that time when you are appreciating how much more time you have to spend with the one who is right for you....good luck best wishes..hope is always there for people who believe in it........deb

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Posted

I concur with Blue. So long as you aren't battling guilty and "what ifs" from losing your first marriage due to the addiction, I think you'll be okay in the long run. Do you have a career? Your own place? If so, you're a leg up on a LOT of people these days.

 

The fact that you've overcome an addiction shows your strength of character. Moreover, I imagine there are a lot of women out there who have been burned in the same way you were in your 2nd marriage. In other words, your experience with the losses will help you appreciate and work more to sustain any future relationships that you get into.

 

Isn't it nice to post somewhere where people actually care and reply?

Posted

The second marriage may not have been his fault, but jumping from one divorce into a relationship w/ marraige is not good under any circumstances. The pain stacks up. It stacks up without adequate time to heal from one circumstance first. The OP got two divorces in two years..not enough time. Now he has the pain of two divorces he has to deal with. That's why it is important to take your time, whether the new relationship is good or not.

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Posted
So long as you aren't battling guilty and "what ifs" from losing your first marriage due to the addiction, I think you'll be okay in the long run.

 

Unfortunately, that's exactly what's been running through my head these past few days. I did not allow myself time to process the first divorce and now I seem to be dealing with both of them at the same time and it's overwhelming.

 

Do you have a career? Your own place? If so, you're a leg up on a LOT of people these days.

 

I'm currently between jobs. I'm in the process of moving to Houston from a small town. My first ex moved back to Houston with our three kids so I've decided to move as well so I won't be 500 miles away from my kids. I do see what you're saying, there is something to be grateful for if you look for it.

 

Isn't it nice to post somewhere where people actually care and reply?

 

Yes! I am so grateful for a place to talk to people and get feedback. I am extremely introverted and do not have a huge number of friends, most of the time it doesn't bother me a huge amount but I felt like I had to get some of this down before I exploded!

Posted

If I had to guess, I'd say you used the second marriage as a patch to cover up the hurt from the end of your first marriage. You probably overlooked a lot of red flags simply to have someone next to you. As others have said, now you are going through the loss of both marriages at the same time.

 

As bad as it feels, allow yourself to feel and work through the hurt this time. It will take a considerable amount of time, but you will feel a little better every week, every month, etc. Don't turn back to alcohol as that will only mask your feelings and won't actually allow you to heal, and you do need to heal first if you are ever to have a successful relationship. Perhaps spend some time working on becoming more of an extrovert? Times like this, as difficult as it may be, are when we learn the most about ourselves, especially our strengths and weaknesses, and give us the kick in the @$$ necessary to make positive changes.

 

You've attracted two women enough to marry you so far, you must be doing something right. In time I have no doubt you'll find another. Just don't rush into things next time: make sure you are actually ready, that you are doing it for the right reasons, and that she is the right person for you before you get married again (and no, 9 months is never enough time).

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Posted

I absolutely should not have rushed into a second relationship. I was so not ready. Now I know why they tell you in rehab to not even think about getting in a serious relationship for at least a year. Should've taken their word instead of having to prove it myself :o

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