musd84 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I'm sure there have been others who were in the same situation but here is mine. I was with my gf for 10 years and a few months before we were supposed to get married, I broke it off due to various complicated reasons. I was sad after for a while but after about a month I got really depressed and wanted her back badly. She didn't want to see me at all as she was so hurt but somehow through our friends, I was able to talk to her and we got back together. After a few days, she realized that she doesn't love me the same anymore and I could feel it as well and we mutually ended our relationship. The reason she isn't feeling the same is because she has been hurt a lot by me and at this point has only anger and pain in her heart when she thinks about me. I really want to be with her and and the few days I was with her she did notice that I have changed and will forever treat her right but in her heart it's not the same and she is saying that it is too late. We are still in touch and communicate about normal conversations and about our relationship sometimes as well. I could still see the anger she has towards me and her pain. I want to stay in touch with her as there is still hope and love in my heart (the fact that we were together for 10 years) but at the same time I believe until she doesn't get that anger out of her heart, she will not look at me the same. I am not sure if that will happen if I keep communicating with her or stop communicating with her for a bit and then try again. Of course there is also a possibility of it never working and I understand that. Would love some feedback from anyone. Thanks.
hinatticus Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) My ex resented the crap outta me. 4 months later we are friendly towards each other. Granted we share a child, but I can tell her resentment has faded. I've been in counseling(domestic abuse) and reading lots to change my behaviour. If I can get my ex to act amicable towards me I'm sure you can too. I made sure never to piss her off on purpose. Sometimes I would say something completely positive or neutral and it would set her off. I just bit my tongue and remained calm as I could. I haven't yelled at her in over 5 months. If your ex has told you that her trust in you is gone or that youve hurt her to the core be prepared for a long haul. True change takes a long time to become permanent. You'll notice it way before she does. She may be too hurt to see the changes but if you love her you'll try to show her for as long as My ex when we were together told me nothing is impossible(meaning us working out), after the break up she said its too late. That being said, I take everything she says with a grain of salt. All the negative things she says to me I try to ignore it continue being kind to her. Good luck Edited July 4, 2012 by hinatticus
hinatticus Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 When you said she was hurt a lot by you did you mean she was hurt badly from you breaking up with her, or you hurt her many times throughout your relationship?
Author musd84 Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Thank you for you reply hinatticus. It was the last part of our relationship where I hurt her.
hinatticus Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 My feeling is that she lost trust in you and is angry because of that. Trust is hard to gain back. Just be patient and kind towards her.
TaraMaiden Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Two things: remaining on friendly terms with someone with whom you are still in love, doesn't work, because you are always looking for a way back in, thus, the 'friendship' is built on a false premise; what usually happens is that you get hurt, over and over again, because if you are just a 'friend' to her (as you would claim to be) she will think nothing of going on dates with other guys - and guess how that would make you feel, huh? Secondly - if she is angry and resentful towards you - there is no way she's going to buy this "let's just be friends" crap. If she no longer wants to go out with you, because you hurt her and made her angry - what the heck makes you believe she would ever be happy to take it to the friendly level? Right now, she doesn't want to know you. so, read the link in my signature - the Caliguy one. Read it as many times as you can without making yourself dizzy, then print it out, keep a copy on you at all times, and paste copies of it all over your house, until you're reading it in your sleep. It's the only way to get through this.
Stanza Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 I think if you have contact at points, make sure you SHOW somehow how you're changing yourself from the things that make you angry. You need some kind of downtime now to improve on yourself in a way that makes you re-attractive. In a way you should take some NC for you and for her.
hinatticus Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 Like I've said before, my ex resented the sh*t outta me. Since the break up we've gone to a dog park, beach, played rockband, thrown the football around, she sings in front of me, etc. maybe my situation is different because we share a child, but everyone is different. All I know is, if you've f*cked up then the least you could do is show some change and if she's receptive go from there. If everything fails then go nc. I understand people going nc when the ex leaves for no reason or a dumb reason or cheats etc. In your case you did the dumping so it might be a bit different too.
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