Phennyphen Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I had my heartbroken slowly over the course of about 6 months, nearly 2 years ago now. It doesnt so much feel like a pain anymore, more a dull ache. The person who broke my heart is long gone and I've moved on enough to know that I dont want him back, or to see him ever again, and I'm grateful for that. But every now and then I still get upset over it, not upset that we arent together but just the pain that someone I loved and adored so much could do that to me (it was a slow painful end to a relationship, he wasnt man enough to end it and lied to me for months and months while he was away at uni, while I was at home trying to figure it all out). I want to move on, and sometimes I really feel like I'm making progress, but then like the week before last was a year to the day we finally broke up after being on/off for a while, he never admitted it but he had met someone else and he's still with her now. It makes me so angry that he caused me so much hurt yet he is the one that is happy with his new gf. I wouldnt say I am unhappy, I have fab friends, a job I enjoy etc but I feel like he's got away scot free from all this. I understand that my bitterness (haha) may be the thing stoping me from meeting someone, but I've come a long way since thia time last year; I can talk about him without frothing at the mouth with rage, hey thats progress! What I want to know is does heartbreak ever go away? Will I be ok again?
TheFinalWord Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 I had my heartbroken slowly over the course of about 6 months, nearly 2 years ago now. It doesnt so much feel like a pain anymore, more a dull ache. The person who broke my heart is long gone and I've moved on enough to know that I dont want him back, or to see him ever again, and I'm grateful for that. But every now and then I still get upset over it, not upset that we arent together but just the pain that someone I loved and adored so much could do that to me (it was a slow painful end to a relationship, he wasnt man enough to end it and lied to me for months and months while he was away at uni, while I was at home trying to figure it all out). I want to move on, and sometimes I really feel like I'm making progress, but then like the week before last was a year to the day we finally broke up after being on/off for a while, he never admitted it but he had met someone else and he's still with her now. It makes me so angry that he caused me so much hurt yet he is the one that is happy with his new gf. I wouldnt say I am unhappy, I have fab friends, a job I enjoy etc but I feel like he's got away scot free from all this. I understand that my bitterness (haha) may be the thing stoping me from meeting someone, but I've come a long way since thia time last year; I can talk about him without frothing at the mouth with rage, hey thats progress! What I want to know is does heartbreak ever go away? Will I be ok again? I'm sorry to hear how you were treated. That's terrible. The combination of betrayal, bitterness and jealousy is an odd mix of emotions. Yes, it will get better. If you can forgive him. Easier said than done, I know. But I have found that when I am able to forgive someone that hurt me, I am set free. Also, I am able to find positive experiences from the time together (what I want, don't want; what I did to contribute to the break-up etc.) Now forgiveness doesn't mean you won't feel those emotions anymore. Emotions just happen. But we don't have to feed them Whenever I feel resentment or jealousy, I use auto-suggestion. I say out loud that I forgive the person and then consciously think about the people in my life that do treat me right. That doesn't mean you have to talk to the guy again, or interact with him. But you're right, he's moved on. Holding a grudge is just letting him live rent free in your head.
Thierro Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 A break-up is like a child touching a hot stove for the first time. They burn their hands and quickly learn to never do it again. When someone break's up with you, a similar thing happens. You are aware of the danger and -in most cases- be more careful about the things you say, do and are around someone or something. It's survival mode kicking in. Your body wants to protect you from hurt physically and mentally.
Million.to.1 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 i haven an ex i feel very similar about. He didn't really do anything wrong, but he still hurt me a great deal. From my experience, we always associate the good feelings of a relationship and love to the last person we experienced that with. Especially as a dumpee, because we had the rug pulled from under us before we were ready so to speak. In those weak alone moments, you miss your ex. Then hate yourself for missing him because you know with your logical mind you don't want to be with him... it can be frustrating. You miss the relationship. You miss the good things about it. Final word made some good points about forgiveness and consciously thinking of other things when you find yourself going there. I truly think that it takes a new relationship to completely stop all the automatic association we do towards our Ex's. if i stayed single for 10 years, then i would still sometimes miss that ex from 10 years ago, whenever i felt lonely. I associate the feelings that i want with him, but it's not him... it's just the feelings. Does that make any sense? 1
Author Phennyphen Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 Now forgiveness doesn't mean you won't feel those emotions anymore. Emotions just happen. But we don't have to feed them Whenever I feel resentment or jealousy, I use auto-suggestion. I say out loud that I forgive the person and then consciously think about the people in my life that do treat me right. That doesn't mean you have to talk to the guy again, or interact with him. But you're right, he's moved on. Holding a grudge is just letting him live rent free in your head. Thats brilliant, I'm going to try that!
TheFinalWord Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) Thats brilliant, I'm going to try that! Thanks! I didn't invent it though, but I have applied it. It's one facet of a technique called Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. It was developed by Albert Ellis, an American psychologist. He was kind of like the Stephen Hawkins of psychotherapy He said that humans view emotions like this: Someone does something to me (Ellis called it an activating event) ---> It produces an emotion (Ellis called this the consequence). Ellis said there is actually another component, which we have full control over. He called it our belief system. As humans, he stated that our belief systems are irrational. We often see: Activating Event = Consequence For example, Man cuts me off on the road = He made me angry Ellis said, no, it wasn't the man that made me angry, it was my irrational thought that everyone must treat me fairly or they are damnable that made me angry. Since we can't controlling others' behaviors (the activating events) REBT focuses on changing our irrational beliefs about people and ourselves. Ellis had a list of a dozen or so irrational beliefs humans naturally hold on to. They can be summed up in three basic irrational beliefs: • Self-Demands – I MUST do well and get approval, or else I'm worthless. This demand causes anxiety, depression, and lack of assertiveness. • Others-demands – You MUST treat me reasonably, considerately, and lovingly, or else you're no good. This “must” leads to resentment, hostility, and violence. • Demands of the World/Life Conditions – Life MUST be fair, easy, and hassle-free, or else it's awful. This thinking is associated with hopelessness, procrastination, and addictions. Not easy though, it has to be reinforced for a long time, depending on the severity of the emotional consequence. Here ya go: Edited July 4, 2012 by TheFinalWord
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