complicated love

[aerosol]

This is my first post here, I want to get some things out of my chest, maybe hear back from some of you, as this forum's members have helped me in the past with sharing their experiences.

 

I had met this girl when I was studying, and she had a close friend of hers whom she said she thought he was gay. She said so only after I asked her why was she hanging out with him like they were a couple.

 

Anyway, this relationship went on for 7 months. Then we both came back to our country (we were from Continental Europe, studying at UK) and kept seeing each other for some time. My parents didn't like the idea of me being with her due to different cultural background (religion, politics etc). Since it was so hard for us, I told her that I didn't want to drag her to a dead end relationship and try and be friends. She agreed, but after some time we started meeting again on and off though we weren't officially a couple. This has beeing going on, and during this time I had been desperately trying to break off my parents but with no luck as I could only land low sallary temporary jobs.

 

At some point we decided to stay as friends. I promised her that if she waited for me, as soon as I got a real job, we would move in together and stop caring what others have to say, live on our own. She said no, because she does not want to be the reason for me to fight with my family (we are pretty close-knit family).

 

The fan part is that we keep seeing each other and she wants to be in an official relationship with me, though she said no to me. Then one day I got to have a look at her Skype conversations, she had left it open and a msg popped. I found out that she had been talking almost every day since we left UK with that other guy (the gay one) and she had actually told him that I was a good friend that would never become more than that. It turns out they were together and they were sweet talking all this time, planning to meet at his country this August. I copied her conversation history over to my PC without telling her anything.

 

The problem now is that I know that they keep talking and that they have intensions for being more than friends but I can't straight tell her that I violated her private files. I know that she cares about me but even if she was lying to the other guy it would still be unacceptable for me. Years of being the nice guy render me unable to just ditch someone I love without saying why, but I can't say why cause I dounf out in a wrong way. Also he seems to be an ever bigger galible spineless person than me, maybe she likes this type, easier to foul.

 

Do you think I should just tell her that I know everything and how I know it and walk away? I can see myself living with her if she drops entertaining ideas about the other guy but it would cost me the peace with my family. After reading all these, the logical step would be to walk away now, but I just loved her too much and she gave me all I wanted to just do it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Not really as complicated as you may think it is...well as far as what you should do anyway.

 

Look, this girls not interested in pursuing something with you, she didn't want to be in a relationship that's why she said what she said, not because of your parents. Your parents are just a convenient out that really applies to the situation, it's the perfect cop-out.

 

Now this guy who is supposedly gay, that's a bunch of BS now that you see the reality, she's used that as a cover to communicate and get to know this guy under the radar and that's why she's visiting, to go mess around and start something with this guy.

 

Next, love isn't how you feel about the person If their emotions and intentions aren't the same....that's called unrequited love. Do you realize how many people spend entire relationships waiting for this other person to develop emotions and "change their mind" or "see the light and all that is good in you and this relationship", tons! Just read these forums, they are a dime-a-dozen, so If you respect yourself than you have to do what is best for yourself and let her go. You're not going to save this or do it by yourself, and don't expect a full explanation and confession like so many need.

 

And that brings me to my last point, closure is what keeps people in this type of situations, they need that "I don't want to be with you anymore, I don't love you" but they never or rarely get something that clear...instead, like you did, they usually find it hidden in a text/email or drunken conversation, that's how it always goes down, then this person tries to back pedal and cover it up and come up with some lie...not because it's a lie, but because they don't want to "hurt" your feelings...kind of funny that a person who cares so much about your feelings won't tell you how they really feel and what they really think or want? Kinda shows you how scared how people are...scared of hurting others, but doing it anyway, scared of your reaction, scared of having to watch you crumble into a thousand pieces right before your eyes....nobody wants to see that, a person would have to care more about you than themselves to do something that bold, and most do not have the courage or the care.

 

You need to push your feelings to the side, confront her about this...It doesn't matter where you got the information from, you got it now and It's the truth and you'll see that stunned look on her face when you say something to a person and they know it's true that they can't even think about it and lie right away because they don't have a good enough excuse...you need to just get whatever closure you can and just move on.

 

She doesn't just want to be your friend because of this whole situation, It's because she lacks the emotions for you...when a woman really loves you she will go to great extents to be with you, just like you will for her...capiche?

 

I know it's a sh*tty situation and extremely hurtful, but wallowing in those emotions right now is not going to do you any good, you need to close this door so that you can start the moving on process...nothing you can do can change how someone feels, remember that, they have to want it, they have to feel it and If it's not there it isn't there....that doesn't change and you shouldn't expect that person to settle or neither you.

 

The truth of the matter is you're better off, the people that are telling you that you shouldn't be with her are probably right...I may not agree with your parents in terms of politics and religion but I think they know well enough that even they saw something there they could understand (hopefully) at least to a degree...remember that women may come and go but your family will be there in the end.

[aerosol]

You are right in what you are saying. The problem here is that at some point I thought that what kept me with her was a mixture of horniness, good will and my ego, not love.

 

What pissed me off was that she covered the whole thing with the other guy, and went as far as to degrade him verbally (I died inside for not recording this conversation) and tell him she won't be seeing him after I confronted her about this. She says that she only wants to be with me, nothing else matters more.

 

So now I just want to tell her that I see through her lies but I can't cause my proof comes from hijacking her Skype. Earlier today I decided to give her a video call while she was at work. She said she couldn't answer cause she was busy but then she had a video call with the other guy (I did that on purpose to see if she would ignore me or him). I mean, she keeps saying that she loves me, we have good fun when it comes to sex and I know that she's actually willing to be with me.

 

I know that I can break up with her for good. I am just torn between revealling her how I know that she lied or just blame it on the hardships and walk away?

[Ninjainpajamas]

"The problem here is that at some point I thought that what kept me with her was a mixture of horniness, good will and my ego, not love"

 

That's normal to a degree for men, that's not uncommon for men to feel a mixture of emotions and intents. Especially for not being "in love" with a girl.

 

However, you probably underestimated how you felt for this girl but I think you're also lying to yourself a bit in terms of emotions because you're willing to do life changing things to be with this girl, unless you're only acting this way out of extreme jealousy which wouldn't add up.

 

Regardless, be honest with yourself and how you feel, and how she feels and what's really going on here..don't play this back and forth game where depending on the circumstances and how she reacts you claim to feel nothing or everything depending on the conversation or what not...get yourself in a realistic place, divulge how you really feel instead of being in denial...just lay it all out on the table and stop complicating this for yourself because in the end the solution will be simple...at least in being the choice.

 

You need to lay it all on the table here it terms of what you found and what you say and how you feel, you need to have a real heart to heart conversation and get everything out in the open...it needs to be the truth, no more games or lies or whatever else. You need to really sit down with her and talk about this and get the real answers and listen to what she's saying, not just wait your turn to talk or interrupt her and become upset or disappointed..this is serious business in terms of emotions.

 

Ask all the tough questions, get the truth out there and then make a decision based on that, you might feel differently and be surprised or you might just hear her constantly reassuring you that she wants to be with you and loves you but her actions speak completely differently, you better get an explanation, but don't demand one...if she insists on not communicating with you (which I doubt unless you're being mean/rude and not listening) then you just move on...sometimes you don't get that perfect little situation you want, and the complete story, life goes on.

 

Otherwise what I think will happen is you will play this FWB type situation with each other based on sex, companionship, etc...that slowly fades out. It really depends on your emotions and communication at this point, I wouldn't make any huge sacrifices for this girl and I wouldn't force the relationship and a decision....If I were you I'd get back to life and focus on that for a while. You need to get a job and move out regardless of what happens, that should be priority.

[aerosol]

It's over now. I really loved her but when I found that she was talking with the other guy something was lost inside me. But I still loved her and saw her as a person I could be with.

 

For her, we are breaking up as my family will never accept her, something we knew for sometime. I let her cry herself into a torrent of accusations for my parents for not letting us be happy etc. She wouldn't go somewhere else with me cause she can't abandon her parents and wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life fighting with mine.

 

So I guess it's better to leave it to that, let her cry, hate me, hate them, find her own way as I will find my own. I was preparing for that since I found about her conversations with the other guy. I don't care if she's going to find him now or rebound on some *******, she's no longer mine.

 

I guess that what's left now is to go on with my ****ty life with one thing less to worry, but one great love of mine gone as well.