HateFaceBook Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 What do I do??? My wife and I have been married 5 and half years. I work shift work and about 4 weeks ago I came home on a Sunday night and sat down at my computer. I opened up Facebook and my wife had not logged out of her account, so when I opened up the page, her page opened up. I noticed she had sent a friend request and a message to her very 1st love on the Friday night. I went into our bed room and woke her up and asked her about this and she said, she just forgot to tell me. She told me, she would delete him. A couple of days later she asked why I didn’t trust her and if I don’t trust her then we shouldn’t be together. I said ok be friends and talk to him, so she sent him a friend request again. At the start she was showing me what they were talking about but that soon stoped. When I entered the room, she would quickly close down the Facebook page so I couldn’t see anything. Starting to get a bit worried I download a computer spy that would record everything on the computer. The next day I checked the logs and there was some flirting but nothing to serious. I again asked her to stop talking to him and she agreed. The next day I checked the logs and she was still talking to him. I asked her about it and she dined it until I said I know you have. She said sorry and that she wouldn’t speak to him again. The next day I come home and checked the logs and she had used her sons Facebook and sent him a message saying I can’t talk to you anymore on my account so here is my phone number, call and text me but only working hours when I’m at work. I told her I had seen it and again she dined it until I told her word for word what was said, again she said sorry. The next night we had a huge fight and she packed her bags and moved to a friend’s house. The next day, which was a Friday, she came back to my house to talk, I said come back and we can work this out. She told me she just wanted to stay away for the weekend to think and get her head straight, so I agreed. I was at work on the Saturday night and I now knew her Facebook password. With an app on my phone I could watch them talk live. Talk was a bit flirty at 1st but then the sex talk started. I text her, telling her I seen everything. At 1st she got angry with me telling me, she was single and were separated and was allowed to do that, I text her back saying wrong, you asked for the weekend to get your head straight, I told her that her stuff would be in the shed and don’t contact me ever again. This was at 2am, she sent me a few texts but I turned my phone off. I finished work at 6am and was driving home and she sent me a text asking if I was home, I said yes come get your stuff. When I got home she wanted to talk. So we started talking and she wanted to come home. I agreed under the conditions she stopped talking to him and she agreed. I thought this would be the end of it all thinking she was worried about losing me. As a few days went by, she was not herself so I asked what was wrong, she told me she wasn’t sure if we should stay together. Upset I said ok fine, talk to him but only as friends. They were talking and I could see what they were talking about because she changed her Facebook password but I had the computer spy. On the following Monday week the dirty talk started again, he was doing the dirty talk, she wasn’t but she didn’t stop it just saying lol and ummmm ok. That night knowing what was already on there, I asked if I could look at her Facebook and she agreed. I asked why she didn’t stop and she said she was going to. The next day he started and with the dirty talk and she did say to him stop and is this all you want to talk to me for and he said NO NO NO. The talk went back to normal after that. When I seen that, I was thinking all might be good. Later that night I went to bed and when I went to bed I checked the app on my phone and sure enough the minute I went to bed, she sent him a message say “why can’t I get you out of my head” For me this was worse than the sex talk. I got up out of bed and another huge fight. She then packed her bags last Wednesday and went back to her friends saying I would never trust her so she’s not staying. The next day I just to phone and text to try to talk but kept getting the same answer NO. On Friday I sent a text saying maybe we should get MC and she said ok and that she loves me. This 1st love of hers lives about a 3 hour drive away from us, has told my wife that he is happily married and I think he only wants the phone sex and cybersex from what I have read. Anyway she had to go up to near where he lives for the weekend because her daughter lives nearby. I phoned her on Saturday night but she was out of range but within 5 minutes she phoned me back, we had a talk for about 10 minutes and again she told me she loved me. She come back on Sunday afternoon and got some more things from my house. I begged her to stay, cried and she just pushed me away. She said she needed space. She then left. I had not read her Facebook messages since Friday but decided to red them Sunday night. She told him that she had feelings for him on Friday night and he didn’t talk to her again on Friday at all. She wanted to meet up with him but he said no and the feelings she has are just memories. After reading this, I sent her a text message saying, I think it is over and maybe we should both move on and start new lives. She then sent back a message saying what about counselling and I said what’s the point if she doesn’t really want me back, so she said ok. I was heartbroken all night Sunday and Monday morning and couldn’t stop crying. I then phoned her Monday lunch time and asked if she really wanted MC, and she said yes but she didn’t sound convincing. I phoned a MC and have booked us in for this Wednesday. She asked me again to give her space. I have not phoned her texted her for the rest of Monday or all day Tuesday. I checked her Facebook on Tuesday just to see how she is feeling and she told this guy she is feeling really really down and Tuesday night when he was sending message, she was not responding. Going the rest of Monday and all of Tuesday not making contact with her im starting to feel I can get through this and maybe im better off without her. I have this MC booked for tonight but not sure what to do Should I keep fighting for her or just let her go, I’m so lost right now but I do know I love her very much.
Owl Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Here's part of your problem... You're laying down boundaries (which is good)...but then you're not sticking to them, not enforcing consequences when she crosses them (which is bad). She knows she can get away with all of this. Personally...I think you need to make it clear to her. You want a marriage with her...an EXCLUSIVE, YOU ONLY relationship with her. You're NOT willing to share her...emotionally or physically...with someone else. If she wants that, and she's willing to abide by that, then she's welcome to come home and work on the relationship. That DOES require her to remove any contact with this other guy from her life completely and totally. If she accepts...then there you go. Marriage counseling, and she needs to do everything in her power to rebuild your trust in her again. Open book behavior. If she doesn't accept...there you go. Pack her stuff, let her know where to find it, and file. But...you need to be willing to walk the walk. 2
2sunny Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Best to look after your best interest. Your wife is being unfaithful by continuing to DO Inge she knows you don't prefer. Betrayal comes in many forms. Never settle. She isn't showing you loving behavior - she keeps breaking trust = there is no marriage without trust. 2
Steen719 Posted July 3, 2012 Posted July 3, 2012 Facebook was involved with my H's last affair and it was with an old gf from 30+ years ago...Good grief, really? Sorry this is where you are. UGH The only thing I want to say is that this is new to you, so your responses are typical. However, you may want to think about this. Do you really want to have to "make" her choose you? She can't even quit communicating with him long enough to try to fool you. She is not fighting for her marriage and you don't trust her. Has she said what is making her do this? Even if this was just cybersex....is that OK? Would it be OK if you did it? Sorry, it seems as you are the only one fighting for the marriage. Good luck.
seibert253 Posted July 4, 2012 Posted July 4, 2012 She acts the way she does because you allow it. You set boundries, she breaks them, the you back down. Try something new. Tell her she can go NC and attend MC, or you will D her. If she violates these, then file. She needs to see you mean business and will no longer put up with this.
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 4, 2012 Author Posted July 4, 2012 (edited) But...you need to be willing to walk the walk. That is my problem. She knows I really don't want to lose her and she calls my bluff. Thanks for everyone’s advice Update from yesterday: We went to our first marriage counselling session tonight and I learned so much. I thought our problems started 4 weeks ago but my wife said she has been unhappy for 2 or 3 years. She said that my jealousy issues and being untrusting have meant for the last few years that, she has no friends, does not go out anywhere and is scared to say things in case I get upset so has to watch everything she says. She also said that she has lost herself and needs to find herself again. She said she’s not sure if she’s angry at me for doing this to her or if she’s angry at herself for letting me do this to her. I had no idea that she had been unhappy for so long. It really did open my eyes. She pointed out things I have said from years ago, that I had forgotten about that really hurt her, which I agree were nasty and thinks I don’t listen to her, which I disagree with because I do listen. She did also point out a lot of good things I do, it wasn’t all bad. She did apologise for having cybersex with this other guy and said it only happened because they were both drunk and didn’t think it was wrong because we were separated. The other times when he has started, she has not responded and did tell him to stop, which is true because I have seen the messages. She did admit that there has been a lot of flirting and said she would stop that. She said she still loves me but is not sure if she’s still in love with me. She said she wants to sort this out and work on our marriage but not sure if she can. The MC said he has seen a lot worse than us and they have been able to work through it and be better than ever. He said it’s like other couples come to him with broken bones and bruises but we are nowhere near that and it’s like we stand on each other’s toes but our problem is we have just done it for a long time. She said she needs some space, so we have booked our next MC session for 2 week’s time and we agreed I would not phone or text her for those 2 weeks. I will respect this and pray that it all works out. I guess it also does give me 2 weeks to also think because sometimes I really do think I should walk away. The MC did say I should find a book on relationships to read, does anyone know any good books I should get? Edited July 4, 2012 by HateFaceBook
onthefence210 Posted July 5, 2012 Posted July 5, 2012 That is my problem. She knows I really don't want to lose her and she calls my bluff. Thanks for everyone’s advice Update from yesterday: We went to our first marriage counselling session tonight and I learned so much. I thought our problems started 4 weeks ago but my wife said she has been unhappy for 2 or 3 years. She said that my jealousy issues and being untrusting have meant for the last few years that, she has no friends, does not go out anywhere and is scared to say things in case I get upset so has to watch everything she says. She also said that she has lost herself and needs to find herself again. She said she’s not sure if she’s angry at me for doing this to her or if she’s angry at herself for letting me do this to her. I had no idea that she had been unhappy for so long. It really did open my eyes. She pointed out things I have said from years ago, that I had forgotten about that really hurt her, which I agree were nasty and thinks I don’t listen to her, which I disagree with because I do listen. She did also point out a lot of good things I do, it wasn’t all bad. She did apologise for having cybersex with this other guy and said it only happened because they were both drunk and didn’t think it was wrong because we were separated. The other times when he has started, she has not responded and did tell him to stop, which is true because I have seen the messages. She did admit that there has been a lot of flirting and said she would stop that. She said she still loves me but is not sure if she’s still in love with me. She said she wants to sort this out and work on our marriage but not sure if she can. The MC said he has seen a lot worse than us and they have been able to work through it and be better than ever. He said it’s like other couples come to him with broken bones and bruises but we are nowhere near that and it’s like we stand on each other’s toes but our problem is we have just done it for a long time. She said she needs some space, so we have booked our next MC session for 2 week’s time and we agreed I would not phone or text her for those 2 weeks. I will respect this and pray that it all works out. I guess it also does give me 2 weeks to also think because sometimes I really do think I should walk away. The MC did say I should find a book on relationships to read, does anyone know any good books I should get? A good book that I read that has helped me learn a lot about the things that I did wrong in my marriage is "Boundaries in Marriage". If you're not very religious, don't let that sway you from reading. It's a Christian based book but that was an eye opener for me. I had boundaries yet I was too weak to enforce a consequence because it meant walking away from my marriage. That mindset trickled down to my kids. I suggest you give it to your wife to read also.
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 5, 2012 Author Posted July 5, 2012 Thanks onthefence210 Well It's day 1 of the no contact we agreed with the MC and I'm already struggling with it, only thing stopping me is knowing I could push her away completely if I do.
wilsonx Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 That is my problem. She knows I really don't want to lose her and she calls my bluff. Thanks for everyone’s advice Update from yesterday: We went to our first marriage counselling session tonight and I learned so much. I thought our problems started 4 weeks ago but my wife said she has been unhappy for 2 or 3 years. She said that my jealousy issues and being untrusting have meant for the last few years that, she has no friends, does not go out anywhere and is scared to say things in case I get upset so has to watch everything she says. She also said that she has lost herself and needs to find herself again. She said she’s not sure if she’s angry at me for doing this to her or if she’s angry at herself for letting me do this to her. I had no idea that she had been unhappy for so long. It really did open my eyes. She pointed out things I have said from years ago, that I had forgotten about that really hurt her, which I agree were nasty and thinks I don’t listen to her, which I disagree with because I do listen. She did also point out a lot of good things I do, it wasn’t all bad. She did apologise for having cybersex with this other guy and said it only happened because they were both drunk and didn’t think it was wrong because we were separated. The other times when he has started, she has not responded and did tell him to stop, which is true because I have seen the messages. She did admit that there has been a lot of flirting and said she would stop that. She said she still loves me but is not sure if she’s still in love with me. She said she wants to sort this out and work on our marriage but not sure if she can. The MC said he has seen a lot worse than us and they have been able to work through it and be better than ever. He said it’s like other couples come to him with broken bones and bruises but we are nowhere near that and it’s like we stand on each other’s toes but our problem is we have just done it for a long time. She said she needs some space, so we have booked our next MC session for 2 week’s time and we agreed I would not phone or text her for those 2 weeks. I will respect this and pray that it all works out. I guess it also does give me 2 weeks to also think because sometimes I really do think I should walk away. The MC did say I should find a book on relationships to read, does anyone know any good books I should get? Kick her to the CURB. Shes painting you black emotionally and lying out of her ass, its over. Earn some self respect, theres no book or marriage counselling thats going to win this. Be a man and act like one. She will respect you if you stop being a (for lack of better term) bitch. 1
evryrozhasitsthorn Posted July 7, 2012 Posted July 7, 2012 If you have no kids with her, my opinion is to run like hell away from her ASAP. Don't waste your time, money, or energy. 2
GLDheart Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 A strong person can love thier spouse even as they hold the door open for them to leave. A strong person can miss thier once loved one as they resist the urge to pick up the phone. They can move forward in life alone if need be. And ultimately, they can forgive the weaker wayward spouse and let the future fall the way it may. IHF, stay strong and respect yourself. Maybe she will follow your example. 1
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Well I’m a very weak man. On Friday morning I couldn’t help myself and checked her facebook again although we are now separated. There they were having cybersex again as I logged into her account. I then text her telling her to come get the rest of her stuff and get out of my life forever. I then sent a facebook message to the OM telling him “ you have wreaked my marriage you **** and I have printed out copies of their chat from the last 2 weeks and I will be making sure his wife gets copies even if I have to give them to her myself”. Well nasty text messages went back and forth between my wife and me. About an hour later my wife closed her facebook account and opened a new under her maiden name and the OM closed his account. There was no contact on Saturday. On Sunday again being weak I text her asking if she would still be willing to go to the MC. I got no reply, I then tried to phone her twice and no answer. She then sent back a text message saying never phone or text her again and that it’s over. I work night shift and at about 5am on Monday morning at work I knew in my heart that this time it was 100% over. I went onto my facebook page and changed my profile from married to single and posted on my wall that I was sorry to all my family and friends for being a pain the a$$ for the last month or so but the real me is back. I got a few comments and likes from female friends. I went home, went to bed and switched off my phone. Well I woke up Monday afternoon, turned my phone on and it went crazy. She sent me multiple texts saying we should talk and she needs to get some things and furniture and she phoned a number of times before leaving a message on my voice mail saying we really need to talk. I phoned her and she really wanted to come over and see me and I said no. She asked if I wanted to get back with her and I said I don’t know (but deep down in my heart I know I want to). She then said if I needed space she would give it to me but still wanted to come over and see me, again I said no. She then asked if we could go out on a date and I said I don’t know, lets wait and see. I could hear her almost start crying as she asked me again, don’t you want me back. Again I said I don’t know. She then said to me, I have good news for you and I said what? She then told me the OM won’t talk to her anymore so I got what I wanted. (yeah nice to know his gone so now I’m 2nd best). After that I said bye and hanged up. Later that night I got 1 more text but just ignored it. Tuesday morning again I go to bed and switch off my phone and when I woke up the same thing, a message asking when she can come over to get a work shirt, although she has already taken all clothes, she just left a jacket and shoes behind and 3 missed calls although she knows I sleep during the day. I phoned her back and said she can come over tomorrow. What do I say and do? I don’t know if I want her back or not but scared if I ask for more time, she may never come back.
GLDheart Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 It's a mess. If the other guy was talking to her she'd drop you in a second. WHEN, he finds a way to sneak past his wife, he WILL contact her. Are you ready to get back on the rollercoaster? I know you want her back. I know you wish this could just go back the way it was. Well, that bell can't be unrung. You can only move forward. Her intentions are what matters the most... and right now she's all over the map. If you take her back now, be ready for more heartbreak. But, you don't know if you don't try right? At this point what do you have to lose... just let her do the talking and you stay calm. Good luck.
wheream_i Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 My wife and I have been married 5 and half years. A couple of days later she asked why I didn’t trust her and if I don’t trust her then we shouldn’t be together. So, just like that? The only thing she offers up is we shoudn't be together if you don't trust her?
andyg99 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I went onto my facebook page and changed my profile from married to single and posted on my wall that I was sorry to all my family and friends for being a pain the a$$ for the last month or so but the real me is back. I got a few comments and likes from female friends. I went home, went to bed and switched off my phone. . I don't get it - your user name is HateFaceBook and yet you're playing silly FaceBook games telling the world that "the real me is back".... you're hurting, how can the real you be back? BTW - as a previous poster said, just run like hell away from her...
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Another update: My wife came around on the Wednesday night and said she wanted to try and fix the marriage but still needed more space but begged me to not start seeing anyone else. I said ok. I try giving her space and not contacting her but the next night she texts me telling me she brought my favourite cordial from her work (she works admin in a food factory) WTF is up with that text. I just text back saying thanks. The next night my football team was playing hers, so I ask her if she wants to go to the football, she tells me she would love to be is not ready yet but asks me to keep her updated on the scores, so I do. That night there are a lot of fun texts back and forth and at the end of the night I tell her I’m missing her and I wish she was with me… all I get back is I’m sorry, so I say good night. The next night she texts me asking if she can come around on the Sunday morning and pick up the BBQ, I say ok. She comes over and we spend 5 minutes in the kitchen talking and then she gives me a cuddle and a passionate kiss. We say goodbye. On the Monday I’m so confused so I phone her up telling her to come home, she says no so I say ok we have to end this so she agrees. At work all night Monday I can’t stop thinking about her so I write a very long text telling her how much I love her and how I want her back in my life and how I want to go out for dinner or a date to talk. I know she wakes up 6:30am so I sent it then not knowing if I will get any response. 5 minutes later she texts me back saying “of course I want to go out to dinner and talk…. So ask me out” so I did. So we go out for dinner on Thursday and have a great night, we hold hands, we cuddle we kiss, I take her to the park where I proposed to her and under the same light post and ask her do you remember this spot and she says yes, kiss there for a few minutes. After this I drive her to where she is staying and on the way home she tells me her plans for the weekend. I’m thinking this is great we are starting to work things out. I drop her off and come to work. The next night I text her and ask if its ok if I come to the bar her and her friends are going and she tells me no, they are staying home, so I ask if I can come to her place and have a drink with her, she texts me back saying can I please respect her space. I’m going to see a IC at the moment and she has asked me to keep her informed of what’s going on. I text her to tell her and I all get back is “ok well done” I then text her back sorry for the way I have treated her and all I get back is “its all ok just start to heal” That was Saturday afternoon, It is now Tuesday morning and I haven’t text her phone her since. I’m so confused does she want me back or not? Why does she let me kiss her, hold her hand and cuddle and then push me away the next day... I just don't get it.
Gunny376 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 We teach people how to treat us and even love us. Me? I'd run "silent and run deep" like a nuclear sub under the polar ice cap. She'd think I'd fell off the face of the Earth, call the Police and file a missing person's report. :eek: She's not respecting you, nor your marriage. Why would want such a person in your life? You deserve better ~ and Life is just too freaking short. Were it me? She's already made her choice. She's made her bed, and if she's made it hard to sleep in? Oh well! Too sad ~ too sad!
worldgonewrong Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 We teach people how to treat us and even love us. Not always. Some people are immune/deaf to the self-respecting lessons you're trying to impart.
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) My ex still has things at my house, so every time we had a fight and I didn't want to talk to her any more, she would just text me to say she needed to come pick some things up, so I always said yes. After a fight this morning, I packed all her stuff and took it all to the house where she is staying. I told her I didn't want to see or speak to her any more. She knew I was serious this time. She tried to text me a few times, I didn't answer, so she tried to phone me 5 times, I still didn't answer, so she left voice messages on my phone. She told me that she still loves me but blamed everything on me and that it was my fault she couldn't come home. I turned my phone off and went to sleep, I woke up and no new messages or phone calls. I came into work to start my night shift and so what does idiot me do, I phone her. She don't answer, so I text her asking if she wants to talk. I get back no and to go enjoy my new life, so i text ok i give up and at least I tried, She then texts back that I already gave up earlier today and the only thing I tried was to F*** up her life. I then text back I can see this was a mistake... bye. She does not answer after this. 1st day of no contact and I already failed. Please please god give me the strength to never contact her again. I think I'm going to die here. Edited July 25, 2012 by HateFaceBook
worldgonewrong Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 This whole thing (above) re you contacting her & her not contacting back, etc. -- it's all a power trip for her. She knows you're hurt, she knows you love her, she knows the effect her actions & inactions have on you. BUT the thing is - and tattoo this on your forehead - she doesn't give a sh*t. The moment you accept that and distance yourself, you will free yourself up from being caught in her craziness. Look, I went down this same road, as have a lot of other guys here. I checked my wife's FB page, I became obsessive about what was happening behind my back, etc. And I felt liberated the moment I realized that I have no control over what she does. I have control over ME and MY LIFE, otherwise I'm just living in her shadow and living according to how she calls the shots. Do I still give a sh*t about my wife? Yes, of course. But the stomach-grinding obsessiveness and the all-out-gut-wrenching tears have been displaced by a new sense of (thank God) revitalized ego -- the idea that MY LIFE is mine, not something that she can manipulate, control, or shape. And the moment she realizes that you're your own man - and she might realize that tomorrow or 10 years from now - she will also realize that she stands on her own two shaky feet; all the blame and baloney she rests at your feet is kicked aside; she has to deal with herself and her inadequacies and her insecurities, which have ZIP to do with you as a person. Make sense?
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 This whole thing (above) re you contacting her & her not contacting back, etc. -- it's all a power trip for her. She knows you're hurt, she knows you love her, she knows the effect her actions & inactions have on you. BUT the thing is - and tattoo this on your forehead - she doesn't give a sh*t. The moment you accept that and distance yourself, you will free yourself up from being caught in her craziness. Look, I went down this same road, as have a lot of other guys here. I checked my wife's FB page, I became obsessive about what was happening behind my back, etc. And I felt liberated the moment I realized that I have no control over what she does. I have control over ME and MY LIFE, otherwise I'm just living in her shadow and living according to how she calls the shots. Do I still give a sh*t about my wife? Yes, of course. But the stomach-grinding obsessiveness and the all-out-gut-wrenching tears have been displaced by a new sense of (thank God) revitalized ego -- the idea that MY LIFE is mine, not something that she can manipulate, control, or shape. And the moment she realizes that you're your own man - and she might realize that tomorrow or 10 years from now - she will also realize that she stands on her own two shaky feet; all the blame and baloney she rests at your feet is kicked aside; she has to deal with herself and her inadequacies and her insecurities, which have ZIP to do with you as a person. Make sense? Thank you worldgonewrong, your words have helped me so much. I have read a few threads on here about going no contact to get over someone and thats what I HAVE to do now. 1
habs53 Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 This **** burns my ass. Happened to me over 2 years ago now. Nothing worse than a dishonest internet pig. Please do not let this person turn this around on you. She is a cheater!! No more no less. She deserves the respect of no one. Let her have her boyfriend.. guaranteed it wont last. Get a lawyer and fight for everything. You deserve much much more than this piece of crap.
SuperGeek Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) The trust is completely gone. Regardless of what you/her may have done in the past, she's flirting with another man. If she's engaging in sexual chats secretly behind your back, she's already checked out of the relationship. Do you have kids with this woman? If not, my advice is to file immediately and run like hell away from this woman. Get away now before your life gets even more complicated. Committed people do not engage in this sort of behavior if they care about their current relationship. They don't even put themselves in this situation at all. Happily married women/men avoid at all costs flirting with the opposite sex because they 'care' about their current SO. She is clearly seeking out attention from other men (married ones at that) and once that happens it's over. Just my advice of course and I hate to state such bad news, but it is the reality in this situation. She knows you've seen the conversations she has had with this other guy and does NOT care at all how you feel about it. [ Based on what you've said and the evidence presented of her behavior, I bet she's slept with this guy already. Hate to say it, but the probability that I'm correct is pretty high ]. Yes you may have done some things in your past to cause some resentment with her. Nobody is perfect in a relationship, but straying to someone else is not the WAY to work through martial problems. She should have voiced her concerns and recommended counseling if she was so unhappy. She's straying to an unavailable man and at that point why even work on the relationship? Just cut your losses and move on to someone else. Everything in a marriage is built on trust, so once that is gone, there isn't much point in working on the rest of it. I've been through this exact situation and I had to cut my losses and move on. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I'm glad i did it. I know that when I meet a new special girl, I can start clean and establish good trust. SuperGeek Edited July 28, 2012 by SuperGeek Spelling
Author HateFaceBook Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 (edited) Do you have kids with this woman? [ Based on what you've said and the evidence presented of her behavior, I bet she's slept with this guy already. Hate to say it, but the probability that I'm correct is pretty high ]. Yes you may have done some things in your past to cause some resentment with her. Nobody is perfect in a relationship, but straying to someone else is not the WAY to work through martial problems. She should have voiced her concerns and recommended counseling if she was so unhappy. I've been through this exact situation and I had to cut my losses and move on. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I'm glad i did it. I know that when I meet a new special girl, I can start clean and establish good trust. SuperGeek Thanks super. We have no children together. I know she has not slept with him because he lives so far away and he won't even give her his mobile number, she can only facebook message him or phone him on his work phone. This is so hard, I dont know if its because i'm weak or not but I just want her back in my life, so hard to walk away when still in love. Can I just say this, this is not all her fault, and I have to take some of the blame. She has not been happy for a few years and she did try to tell me but I didn’t listen. I also have bad jealousy and am very insecure. I am working on those with my IC at the moment. I have picked on her a bit over the years, at the time I thought it was just in fun, like joking about her cooking and stuff but looking back I can now see it wasn’t funny.I have also done a few horrible things like xmas 3 years ago, I only let herspend $50 each on her 3 children while I spend $600 on my daughter. I have done lots of little things like this that all add up. I guess if I wasn’t giving her the love she needed, and she did try and tell me, I can sort of understand why she was seeking love and attention elsewhere. So I think we are both to blame. Everyone keeps telling me to get rid of her but I just can’t because I love her so much. After trying no contact I gave in and text her back. I told her I wanted to move on and then told her a lie that I was going to start seeing someone else. She text me back saying we needed to talk face to face. I didn’t answer and she sent a few more texts and then tried to phone, I still didn’t answer. The next morning I text her back saying if she wanted to meet face to face, we should. We agreed to meet Saturday morning. On Friday afternoon she phoned me and said she can’t meet on Saturday because she just had to get away and go just somewhere and that she couldn’t handle it anymore. I told her to come home, we should be together and I’m working on my issues. She then said ok I will be home tomorrow in an angry voice and just hanged up. I was in shock. A few minutes later she texts me saying sorry and that she’s not coming home and she shouldn’t have said that. I knew something was not right so I asked what she wanted me to do. She then text me back saying that I think this is all about me but it’s not, she has things in her head she has to work out. I then got a few more texts along the same theme and then she said our marriage is over. She then says I have another girl and I should go be with her and that I have replaced her and she hasn’t even looked at another guy and I’m the only one she wants. I know start to work out where all this is coming from. I sent a few texts saying let’s talk but I get no answer. I give it a few hours and phone her, she answers and agrees to meet the next morning. We meet up at a local park and she tells me she not coming home to me and she has a lot to work out in her head. I tell her to come home again and she gets angry with me and says I’m not listening to her again. We walk back to our cars and talk some more, I tell her how much I love her and she told me that she loves me and always will. I tell her how beautiful is and she starts crying and says why don’t I ever tell her that stuff when we were together. I do tell her but not enough. She asks about that other girl I madeup and I told her its just a friend and I’m not interested in her and tell my wife that she is the only one I want. My wife then tells me that it’s not over, who knows what might happen in 6 months or even 1 month or even 2 weeks but she needs space and there are no promises she will even come back at all but she does need space. She then said she understands I have to get on with my life and just asked if I do start seeing anyone that I don’t tell her. I agree. She then gives me a cuddle, we both start crying, I give her a kiss on the cheek, she rubs my face with her hands, she kisses me on the lips and then turns around walks to her car and drives off. It’s 7am in the morning here now in Australia, been 19 hours since we left that park and I’m finding it soooooooo hard not to text her or phone her to tell her I love her. Thank you everyone for trying to help me,I find its helps to post on this forum. Just getting it all out helps. Edited July 28, 2012 by HateFaceBook
BetrayedH Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Stop playing games. Period. No more talk of another girl. Set her free. Don't initiate contact. If it's going to work, she has to come back voluntarily. Period. When she makes contact, no arguing or fighting. Period. If you want to reconcile, no begging. Period. Calmly state your position that you feel the best way to reconcile is for her to come home and to work on her marriage. Communicate that you feel staying away, trial separations, etc do nothing but increase the distance between you. If she cannot make that commitment, you have no choice but to move on with your life. You're not pursuing anyone else but also not waiting around while she experiments with treating her marriage as optional. If you get this far (she comes home ready to full invest in the M), it's time for another wave of counsel. This is all assuming you want to reconcile with her - you need to be confident in that decision.
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